Winter Solstice 2008

Woke up this morning just before the Solstice. The first morning in weeks and months that i have not awakened in some manner of dread. Rolled over and my eyes fell on Starbirds book on Mary Magdaline and my heart skipped a beat. It was her book that announced the beginning of my crone years although at the time I purchased the book while still in the menopause years, the 50's, I didn't realize what was forming nside.
During my 50's I studied the Roman Catholic faith and was accepted into the Church by the beloved Father George, a man of deep faith and deep love and Father Bill a man of firey faith,active in the anti-war, anti-nuclear,Civil Rights movement and Sister Evelyn a steadfast teacher with wonderful stories of faith especially her story of observing a nuclear test in the Nevada desert and then not brushing her teelth for three weeks. She explained to us that the reason behind not brushing her teeth was that it seemed to her that these ordinary, daily human hygiene acts were worthless in light of the exploding,blinding death awaiting us at the hands of our own government. Ifelt my own body quake as she shared her story of observing death.
Once when Father Bill was teaching and telling us that we each need to decide for ourselves what the Holy Spirit in us teaches us on the issues of women's place,birth control,abortion I saw Sister Evelyn shaking her head at him to tell him not to talk so plainly but I was so grateful to hear his words and then later I was completely confused when in responding to one students questions he said "well, if there was no rsurrection three days later, I don't think life is worth living!" I was so startled and even startled by the depth of my surprise. I had long since given up any belief in the Jesus story and had chosen to study with the Catholics because I believed that i could find a container for my deep religious awe with educated,enlightened scholars. (HMMM living in Berkeley and the famous GTU and Holy Hill I could engage that sort of dream) Well I felt that I was a cheater because I no longer believed in the resurrection, the Nicene Creed, The Virgin Birth even thugh the good father and the good sister spent much time explaining how these things are understood now. The most important thing I did during that period was to attend class and Mass reguarly and to sit in the early AM reciting the Rosary-the discipline and the routine were so helpful.
That period came to an end when my sister and my mother moved in to our tenement apartment in Berkeley's small slum=the rent had been free for Steve and I and then so very low that we could never leave. Over one weekend the room I used for a study was given over to my sister and mother and I have never had any time to myself (except the period between 5AM-6M weekdays) certainly no space to myself and I do miss that so much.
At any rate to return to my Solstice meditation I saw Starbird's book and picked it up and started to read it again. I feel such a charge just thinking of Jesus and Mary Magdalene married that upsidedown story that helped free me from Christianity, helped me to listen to myself.
Lately, in the past few days the inner voice has urged me to believe in love and light. Once again I am simply floating in family with six large people living in a one bedroom apartment with one bathroom and not a lot of money. We have physical issues, drug issues, psychological issues and financial issues things can get rather tangled and there have been days when the yelling in anger has been very loud. Still I don't see what else I can do but offer shelter and hope and the inner voice said this past week "remember that the love outweighs the negative" and so that is what I am doing.
At any rate back to coming free of Christianity and welcoming the solstice this morning I welcome the sun't new year. I wonder what is coming now that Bush and Rove and Cheney are leaving.