sunday 5/31/2009

So yesterday I went to the mall to buy some New balance walking shoes which I have been doing for the past ten years. I was horrified to see only cheap shops and no bookstores. I used to love to go shopping with a little extra money to buy shoes and a new book and stop to eat somewhere. well yesterday I wasn't hungry and as I said there was no book store. Weird although I was able to find my shoes for perhaps $20 less than I would have paid at Nordstrom's. Still while I have the $$$ I think I would prefer going to Nordstrom's where there would be the feel of bustling and money to be spent. At any rate I was shocked to see Richmond stripped apparently of all economic hope. I will say though that yards and streets appear cleaner and stronger.
It has been months, years since I was out in the bus watching the world as I passively travel to a destination. I loved it even though the lack of money/credit was much more evident than I realized- the fear of jub loss, etc. have not been part of my daily life-even as a weelfare worker I was involved with the aged and the disabled and they ,all though being impacted, are not yet endangered. I don't go "shopping" having 0 credit and not much money most of the time so I just missed the change. I still think that this was choreographed but tell that to someone who is laid off or is working for a third of what they made before.

saaaaaaaturdddaay 5/30/2009

This is it-the first Saturday since 9/1975 that i arose knowing that I will arise everyday without the constraint that Monday or Tuesday I will return to work. I have had breaks but mostly I have worked the Monday -Friday 8-5 American office and now that is over. 62 and still considered old enough to "retire". the huge thing is that now I will receive a pension and SSA-I have twwinges of guilt receiving money to stay home.
The population so needs leaders to lead them too believe in pensions and single payer medical and low-cost burials and affordable plentiful public transportation, free education academically and practically. We have been sold a reworked belief in royalty-the capitalism we have believes that he who has the gold is gold even though "he" didn't dig it up, he didn't clean it up, melt it and shape it. Those at the top stand on our shoulders.
OH! and an aside here. I am glad that Phil Spector is going to jail for the deaath of that woman (shame on me that I don't know her name (GOOGLE- Lana Clarkson)). I was so offended that he tried to shrug her and her murder off as if he was throwing away a pizza box. And further more I am glad that OJ is in prison-I believe that he hired that orgy of murder and he is just as guilty as thise who used the weaapons. I agreed with the murder jury-the LA prosecuters did not do a good job and the glove did not fit and that miserable cop, the blond, was lying. I saw that when he testified at the hearing long before the trial.

Thursday 5/28/09

So we are changing my "icon" (read photo) to represent me in tie-dye the going away card my unit made for me. A tie-dye that all signed and I want that to represent me now as I retire from my long held position as a "low paid government worker". My hair is long again and I wear it in a twist all the time letting it down only at night.
NWO hits Italy. In a column I never noticed called "blogs of note" there is one heralded as a bog of Italy by an American who lives there. She has photos of tiny "stores" with no humans just vending machines and photos of the product. Felt like crying-what a wonderful way around those evil unions and peoples need for cash.
coming to the end-tomorrow is the last day. I have "overheard" more than one complaint about my budgeting,etc. Oh well they are right I don't care. I only cared that as many individuals as possible receive Medi-Cal and IHSS as an affordable rate. And yes I did cut corners and I AM NOT SORRY!!!!!!!

5/25/2009

Good God is there no one to fight for the neediest, for the youngest, for the smartest in this blighted State that let the NWO guys dump Gray Davis and give us Schwarzenegger? where is the fight? Is it because no one knows and they won't find out until they have to turn to the government and find out just as they voted for that there is no help at all? Is this what people really wanted: Can't they remember a better time do they have any idea that those better times came from AFDC and grants for upper education? NO!! they believed the likes of Reagan and Wilson who convinced them that the kids demonstarating were destroying everything they wnated. What a lie!! The peaceful countries in Europe are the ones where many have less so than more can have enough. Life is better with strong socialistic laws so that all we have is shared with all and there is no concept of finders keepers.
The rumor is that Schwarzenneger plans to gut all the social programs. How many of us are farmers any more?? How many rugged individualists makeing do with our innate talents? We are all living socialistic lives and yet we keep on listeneing to the ubber weatlthy and their hired guns about how we should live.
If only people could hear the truth about the likes of Warren Buffett,etc then we could start to grow out of the capitalistic belief system-all that is dead now. We have to live smaller, quiter, slower. forget the space settlements-how do we live here together??
People talking about Paul Newman. So what?? a movie star. I felt his loss when he died and he was very good about Champ car racing but jeez he is not that big a deal in the world.

Sunday 5/24/2009

So this is the day of the Solar Return due to the precession and my advancing age (hehehe!). My beloved Astroworld is quiet today=everyone is on holiday. This is a year for reflection as Sally predicted and then I will be off to explore the rest of the world in the third section of life. I see life in thirds rather thab halfs as Jung wrote about mostly because I was forn in the second half of the 20th century and we all live longer now. Pluto quincunx Sun this year and Pluto so strong in my natal chart also Aries rising as when I was born with Venus and Mars right there-Venus 19 Aries right on the chart asc and Part of Fortune/Eris 22 Aries and Mars 25 Aries so I will probably be running around a lot going from one project to another. Saturn rulling the MC through Capricorn and Saturn in Virgo and Virgo ruled by Mercury as is Gemini. Mercury square the big celestial celebrity conjunction- Neptune,Jupiter, Chiron in Aquarius leading us to understand that we are all in this together and as one astrologer said wealth is not just money but it is also crops and gardens AND Mercury is far trine to Saturn in the sixth so health will be a big issue-I think adjusting my diet, learning to relax, learning to be more thorough in all my ways. So many links to my own chart in this years chart as one would expect to see in such a significant year. More later (teehee! of course in this journal about me,me, me.)

saturday 5/23/2009-dark of the moon

So here we go heading straight into my new year and the last third of my life: retiring from CC CO which I have been involved with since 1975. God I remember S Back driving me out to the interview at the County Hospital for a temporary worker position at the hospital. I wasn't hired for that position since I knew nothing about eligibility, except for being on welfare while I went to school. I was called in August that year perhaps it was July and was hired over the phone. I remember that Tom Waits was in town playing at the Greek with Judy Collins remarking on how much control she had over the audience and how he wished he had that kind of power. Oh how young we were. I didn't realize until half way home that I had just received a charming and kind brush-off. Joyce said later that he came to her house after that concert-how young we were and I was so excited to be earning $705 a month and relieved to go back to my androgenous atttitude towards Tom. I remember how I did a synestry chart for Tom and I and eveything absolutely everything was seperating by way of squares and sesquiquadrates and oppositions and even I could see that we would never see each other again although I did dream of him for years and still believe that we are connected in some way although now as a grown up I no longer dwell on him. UHMMM would like to go over that time those memories -I remember that time as the best even though I was lonely and terribly afraid of never having another mate, of failing at school, of not having established a credit life ( how could I? I didn't know that side of life at all but even then I knew I would "never end up with anything if I didn't just didn't know what was going on"
How sad really-I was so alone and so disadvantaged and I didn't even know. My parents were covering up so hard-my mother about the "unwed" pregnancy, my father his lack of education and disadvantaged youth that they just didn't have the information I needed and all I had learned from those who had what I wanted was that I didn't have what I needed to succeed.

Friday 5/15/09

So I am coming closer to the feelings around retirement. A sadness at the inevitability of this and a shock-where did all the years go and who is this woman old enough to draw down a pension? So much of who I think of as myself is this petit bureaucrat as I said in my description for this blog and that is almost over and the regulations will change and business images will shift and scandals will erupt and be buried and I will know nothing of this.
My largest complaint is those workers who will not relax and surrender some of their expertise and knowledge and help a poor, confused elder work out their Medi-Cal problems. What are they saving themselves for-the internet and gossip,etc? This does make me crazy because even the most convoluted problem only requires minutes not days to provide help.

Wednesday at work

Tummy comfortably full-Thai flavored tuna and 'tinned'brown rice and wild rice and a spoon of raisan relish and I am so happy.
So I went to the retirement office and got everything initiated. Must get a birth certificate although one is no longer necessary because SSA has already set me up to draw down benefits effective 6/2009.
I have noticed so much energy being used to treat clients like problems. So much energy used to avoid doing anything special when time would be saved by just helping the person even if it is out of the ordinary. So glad to go away and leave these folks to their misery. I used to try to "save" folks from the meaness but I can't and now I can unhook my earbuds and lope off into the sunset.
I have been finding at home,with Amy, that loving words work so much better than critical words. Hope I can remember this with my lover Steve who so often gets the sharp edge of the stick.

5/12/2009 at work

I didn't know how to do this but I got through. Going to the Retirement Board office in a few minutes to sign papaers and intiate my formal retirement. I am ready to go.
Just read some things that I had written earlier and although they are intimate I am not ashamed to have them hear in this mode. No one except those who know me would look for me and this does keep me writing.
I am excited thinking about coming to the end of this cycle although I am startled to realize that I am looking at death as the end of the next cycle. How did this happen? Death always with us says Don Juan through Carlos Castanedas but I never felt death to be so close and I wasn't so afraid just a couple of times but now I am heading into that country

Monday 5/11/09

So I was reading Starlight News as I always do and Jerry W and LJ were discussing Afghanistan and how much Russia and China need Afghanistan and I had an answer to my questions. I have been wondering why Obama started moving troops immediately into Afghanistan, why we are bombing civilians (possibly using white phosphorous? and saying that the rebels are using it!) and using the drones that will make the entire world hate us? Obama ,Geithner, Hillary, etc. all employed by the NWO folk=witness Bill's friendship with Poppy Bush all over the world (and keep an eye on Jeb Bush). The current collapse of finances arranged which I have seen as if it were the practice pages from Bach,etc to teach music to the young-the credit dried up immediately and everything fell apart revealing the fact that we have nothing but "the full faith and credit of the United States of America" while we were dreaming of big house, fancy cars, elegant clothing our ability to produce these items was shipped over seas and we are being encouraged to hate the Chinese. Learn to live with less dear ones because we are royally screwed now and no one is coming to help-we are America.

Sudy Mother's Day 2009

I was listening to Pete Seeger singing Guantanamera (mis-spelled?) and I thought of all the people working for the farm workers singing that song and understanding the spanish.and then I realized what it means to have the Christ spirit in ones heart-that is something beyond the emotionality of the Bible and the Church. This is something that includes working to bring justice and respect and honor to people. The emphasis on living not on original sin or being born flawed-such a greek notion I now understand. What I saw this morning is the Jesus I have seen before who opposes the Church, the religion to say nothing of the Dominionists. This Christ consciousness has to do with working and sweating along with the world free of any belief, any faith but honoring the day and the night,the seasons our needs for food and education and shelter and companionship and communion with our group. Guess the Jesus archetype is still living in this ol pagan-I just turned my back on the rightwingers with their sins and vengence and rigidity. I couldn't go on after this new Pope took over. Birth control is essential for suvival, sometimes women must be relieved of pregnancy. what we need to strive for is a world where women are safe and can regulate their own lives. what needs to go is the idea of rule from the top down and we need to embrace the rule of life from the roots up. the Piscean age is ending-Rudhyar was correct when he identified us hippies as the last of the Pisceans back to try and get it right.

Saturday 5/9/2009

Didn't write yesterday. I get so tired by the end of the week that I have no energy for thinking or writing. That will soon end and I can rest up for few weeks/months before I figure out what else to do.
I am so thrilled: Obama has taken on Schawrzzenneger: Arnold and his mentor Pete Wilson have been batshit crazy since SEIU snuck in and organizied the IHSS workers the home health aides and got them huge wages from miinum wage to up to $11 an hour. Not exactly the money dreams are built on but it lasts much longer and maybe will pay half the rent here in the Bay Area. These people work for the invalids, the dying, those who would otherwise be institutionalized. These people are often the only company their "employers" get. These people work for their "livable" wage. They do what none of us can or want to. The families of the disabled sometimes quit better paying jobs to stay home and these low wages help but don't replace.
I worry about this because so many of the workers especially the social workers seem outraged that some immigrants get IHSS benefits and hire their family members to care for them. As one SW said they get these benefits and they have no paid a cent in taxes. How to explain that someone has and that often these family members quit paying jobs on the outside in order to take care of Mama or Grandma.
One big reason I have been relieved to retire is the hatefulness developing in working people against those who receive public assistance even though the only ones who receive even enough to survive are the IHSS workers. Social workers, eligiblity workers talk among themselves about the fraud they uncover and they seem so hungry for vengence. I worry that in time people will be manipulated into really hurting these poorer folk.

Tuesday 5/5/09

Cinco de Mayo-nachos at work and all my Spanish speaking mates will be up and going and smug. When I was younger the proud smugness of the people I encountered from Mexico and Guatamala and Hondurus, El Salvador would invariably piss me off but now in my maturity and having worked closely with these folks I understand and I am smug, in my turn, for them when ever we are in the presence of those who don't know about Latin culture and the superior mothering and food and the devotion to "Our Lady". I mostly know, of course, those without money who must work for a living and I have spent time with those who can barely read and who live with oppressive superstitions-I learned gratefully to always touch little ones when admiring their beauty and health otherwise the family might fear that I am a witch trying to curse their baby. Also something I have learned is that baby's belong to the mothers and are not inordinately praised because they have not yet grown into their own and any beauty, cleverness, health is a reflection on the mother for a temporary state of well being from the warm gentleness they are growing up in.
One of my friends at work who is smart won a scholarship to Yale from high school. He grew up in his Spanish speaking,devout Catholic family with strong ties to their land and people in Mexico. His parents had lost their jobs due to spitefulness of the foreman and my friend contracted juvenile arthiritus-the kind that cripples but he kept going even when he and his girlfriend got pregnant and he has graduated and continues with his community organizing. His wife is in a graduate program-she is getting her masters this month and continues on the doctorate work. His father won the lottery and bought a ranch where he grew up in Mexico His mother is depressed now that the children are grown and successful. The baby of the unexpected pregnancy is a wonderful, very smart little first grader who is tall with outrageously curly hair. Her father worries that her spanish is not quite up to par because whe has not been saturated with Spanish-the lament of all immigrant parents.
My mother's family spoke both German and French but dropped the languages utterly when they immigrated and settled land from the Oklahome land rush-I want to study that phenomonon-where were the people who had lived there and gathered there for centuries? My father showed me the great medicine bowl where the indigenous people gathered for trading, and celebrating,etc. I wonder what the story is and I don't know it. I plan to research this duringmy retirement which is only three weeks away.
My daughter is a true bitch. I never understood how to hurt people in that way of the popular girls, the cool girls but she does and she says she is that way becvause I am a bitch!! What a hoot as they say. She is so into black culture in a way that I never was even when living with R-in the end he was so full of rage towards me for my stuck up ways. I just preferred my ways of Jung and astrology and philosophy and Jane Austen which are still my ways only now I am riper.

Monday

Here I am at home-wanted to stay and then Arvin is saying that something in his lower abdomen is hurting him and so I use that as an excuse.
Looking a Hecate one of my favorite daily sites: I don't relate to the WICCA holidays I guess because I have never celebrated them with family and loved ones never anticipated the arrival of the day,etc. I also am not interested in religions-I don't want to be involved with the tenants,the faiths, the explanations. I love the seasons, the birds and worms and animals I love the growing plants and cooking and cleaning and being at home. I love walking and I love looking. I would love to join with others on these walks but I am no Goddess worshiper-when I left god the father I din't stay in that mindset. I have a knowing spirit in me that I know as god in me, my conscoiusness of the Divine which is neither human,rock not even spirit but really not to be described in our thoughts or words. I know that this intelligent universe comes from intelligence, this self creating world comes from creativity the love in me comes from love and I imagine that the darkness comes from darkness too. I just know tha there is love in me and that is what i trust.
I love Our Lady Mary and her sister mary magdalene well not her sister but Jesus best friend who best understood what he was about and what he wanted to explain. Paul and the other men and then the priests and popes bore me although the poetry said to be from Paul-the Corintheans is so beautiful the words still break my heart " the greatest of these is love" I remember reading those bible passages outloud in the chior from the earlist days in the light blue covered hymnals and I loved them. I turned to Catholicism because they have Mary and the Pope ascended her directly to heaven unlike the starched, pinched protestents. I loved the Methodists I was raised with for their dedication to good works but they had nothing for the heart erxcept the Upper Room. The Catholics have Mary and my baptism name is Mary Magdelene and I love her and all the heresy surrounding her.

Rain Sunday 5/3/2009

Rain in this the sunniest month of the year here in the SF Bay Area. I am sure that the clouds will move away and the sun will warm up the earth and the green will cause me to think of wearing dark glasses to soften the riotous energy of the billions of shades of green here in May. The weather is much warmer even with the rain than it was last week and the week before when I felt so sick and weak.
I have decided after talking to Miriam my sup at CCCO who encouraged me to apologize for my outburst (documented earlier) that I will not although I may apologize to the beautiful soldier, Aracelli) who I have genuinely liked and with whom I used to walk but never to the ruthless Charlene-oh perhaps I will but not until I feel the desire which I don't feel now.
Not many days now util I am finally retired. I know that hard times are going to be here for a while longer and the way I am thinking is if I lose SSA and the pension and the Medical coverage I will also lose the job so I am retiring now.
Wonderful evening out with my friend who started life as a refugee infant. The food at her uncle's resturant was so good-so popular that we had to wait about 40 minutes for a table and there were people standing outside when we left around 9PM. The food so good-I love the Vietanese/Laotion approach of serving a lot of fresh uncooked items with the cooked ones so filling and so flavorful. Fresh mint, basil, green onion and even raw eggplant a tiny white one that wasn't bitter as I feared.

Saturday 5/2/2009

Waiting for Meuy for our night out without either family. This is so exciting. Who would have known that one of my best friends would be born 1975 in a refugee camp in Thailand?? We get along so well with a natural easiness that would seem like we grew up together. I haven't had such ease in friendship since the days of Elaine before Meuy was born.
Thinking about the retirement coming soon and realizing that I will be free to be hippie- like again eating vegetarian, growing my garden, dressing in clothes from Goodwill and yard sales and flea markets , spending time on charts and walking. I welcome this time in my life.
In the Koch houses I have 21 degrees Virgo on the 6th house cusp- Uranus at the center of the 6th/12th cusp get sick through nerves and thoughts. Also use my mind to get myself free of thoughts that could trip me up. I just didn't realize that the 6th house cusp was so far into Virgo. Alittle money in the house=wheeee!!

Friday 5/1/2009

Happy Worker's Day brothers and sisters. Strange how we still let the sociopaths take over and keep all the gold and tell us God wants them to watch out over us. In Scandanavaia the folk seem to have gotten over that although some folk in Denmark have been trying to stir up the old gods mostly upset I think by the brown people and their cultures. Still people in those countries are never as rich even the successful ones live much as our middle-class does. This is a chieved by more socialistic values than we have. I am living for that day when Reagan and Bush are seen as sociopaths-I use their names symbolically I know that they are props used by the true monsters who hide their names and faces lest we find out where they are and charge their castles with our pans and paots and brooms
I don't want armed revolution I am sick of the dying I am praying for a day when we "see" that the old ways are death in life and start to live together
So Obama has gutted Chrysler and the folks who depend on their pensions and the jobs and all the support and he gave trillions to Wall St and the banks. I wasn't in love with him although I did develop a crush there at the end when he was getting all progressive in order to get our votes and boy was I ever right to hesitate-so far he is the most conservative president ever and he continues to support Geithner and Summers,etc. He is a depressing president a fake a puppet put there to weight us down in Afghanistan and Pakistan drain us of all hope and close down schools and draft our young ones into the military,etc. His health care reform will benfit only the healthcare business owners and will create great hardships for folks like myself.
Of course the congress is owned especially the Senate i owned and so Nancy Pelose is still grasping her neck afraid of what people will say