02/06/2010

Happy Day!! NCIS marathon today. Steve and I and Buffy LOVE this program-forget our political leanings, forget how much we hate the killing and and expense of military budgets, forget that we never even come into touching distance of soldiers or military career types this ensemble is so tight and so talented that we simply love the show and look forward to watching every chance we get.
I am noticing that not only am I returning to eating patterns of earlier times or as i understand things "remembering how much food is enough for a 115 pound woman" and also learning how to be alone with myself and engaging in other activities other than continuous nibbling. I am also learning not to eat huge portions and this is big (he hee): I am increasingly eating vegetarian and more even vegan. Meat gives me a stomach ache and just sits there for hours and hours maybe even days plus I just don't like eating my friends which is how I think of animals and by the way I always have.grains and vegetables. I will still eat meat from time to time but I just don't like the experience-the oil/fat coats the inside of my mouth and I end up feeling woozy and a little nauseous so not so much and I love legumes,grains,vegetables and fruit and I am happy when eating them and I never feel like gagging. Increasingly I eat less cheese,butter and milk and usually when eating dairy I choose yogurt which gives me a tummy ache unless I eat it with grains like cereal. I have always had some degree of lactose intolerance resulting in a low grade stomach ache and low grade misery.
The thing about all this is I didn't know this would come up like this although I did "turn it over" in prayer. I wanted to go back to Overeater's Anonymous but I couldn't. I could no longer believe that I am a hopeless compulsive overeater-I no longer believe in that model although I would never say that to someone struggling to get sober no matter what the substance or belief. When people have crashed over any activity they are so wobbly, as I well know, that they in no way need to hear about anyone else's doubts and questions. AA,OA,DA do enormous good. I have no argument with them just that at this juncture OA was not the answer for me.
I am finding that as I have more days at home, more days defined by personal ideas,needs I am returning to my own natural way of living each day. I am reminded of the period at Harwood St. when I was most in touch with my natural identity. I had so much support in Joyce, Elaine, Ann, Barbara-the men were not so steady nor did I feel safe with the men.
I never felt safe with a man until Steve entered my life-fifteen years at the end of this year and we have been through the valley and to the mountain tops to write in cliche but really we have and now we are so close, so together.
Heading for the marathon now and to rest and relaxation.