02/12/2010

So I was laying down after another weird morning: the bank paid the T-Mobile account early and wiped away the pending Kaiser payment and left us with $2.15 in the account and many days before the regular income deposits start again. And I started to wash the walls from the almost fire Wednesday morning when Steve started water for my coffee but turned on the wrong electric burner and went back to work and when he looked up the kitchen light had a strange glow.... Just in time to avoid a real fire. god smoke residue is really hard to get off the walls and ceiling.
So as I say I was laying down resting getting up the nerve to tackle life again and I was thinking of a piece I had read about the death of Pope John Paul I who died 33 or so days after he was crowned Pope. Evidently he had plans for dismantling the Crown of Rome and this has led many to believe that he was murdered and I have always assumed that he was even though I still converted much later. I loved Mary and the RC's are the only Western or Asian, for that matter, tradition that has assumed Mary into heaven. Still I left the Church within four years and I have not returned because of the fascistic turn of the church since John Paul I died and now with Benedict there is no possibility that I would return although I will always love jesus but I cannot believe that Jesus would approve of what is going on under Benedict.
Well I noticed the other day that Pluto by transit is now quincunxing my Saturn and my sun creating a Finger of God and Pluto is also trining my Mars and Venus sitting together in Taurus which are natally squaring Saturn. ( sidebar entered later-Jupiter and Venus are in early Pisces which makes a fulcrumed trine with transiting Pluto and natal Mars and a square to my beloved natal Sun in Gemini (love the freedom of the wind from that Gemini Sun)and also creating another Finger of God to Neptune and Saturn all of this just to say WOW what a time not just for the world but also in my own individual world my tiny less than microscopic reality) I also thought of Pluto in Capricorn in my 9th house and full of thinking of the possible murder of John Paul I and the people involved who included the current President/Prime Minister of Italy Berlusconi and that weird Vatican banker who ended up hanging from a famous bridge in Rome and others of like him and I "saw" what it means to have Capricorn on the cusp of the 9th house: corporatism as religion and higher mind stuff. I have always relied on the "leaders" the "elders to tell me what to think and what to believe. I have always believed that my elders understand better than I do. Saturn is ruler of my ninth house as ruler of Capricorn and here we go: my Saturn is right now highlighted by Pluto as described earlier. And i find myself adrift now in terms of religion in terms of what I think life is. Crash,slash,burn and bury all that has been dearest to my heart my belief in god and angels and afterlife. I had the deepest feeling of emptiness that drives me to medicate myself for depression and pain and anxiety. I really do although never to the point of intoxication just enough to take the edge off. I will sometimes get this feeling if i forget to take the anti-depressants (I just heard Joan Armetrading on the TV!!)and I feel flat, stripped of all I believe and left only with what I can physically attest to. When that happens I believe that there is a chemical rebalance going on which eases after some period of time.
So I am going through this today and this week and I "saw" the fascism inherent in my philosophical outlook, the religion I inherited I guess although I am not blaming people-this is collective stuff here-everyone is to blame and so no one is to blame. I cannot ,ever return to my native religion and I have definite issues regarding safety. I have begun to realize that I will die or rather I should say that I feel the reality of life here and I don't want to continue acting as if this will not in time be over. Life that is this thing I just came to in-I have no idea how I got here for that matter I don't even know what here is. I don't know and I have never known where I came from nor where we go or if identity is even anything. So so much up in the "air" hehe! a whole lot of shaking going on.
At any rate this afternoon I have touched something really alive in "seeing" all the activity in my chart. I realize that I will be spending a lot of time understanding my chart and my life and perhaps as Pluto transits Capricorn and my ninth house and MC I will come to understand what I am doing here probably through conflict with fascistic times. I read and hear things on all the media outlets that stagger me and I long for the days when Pluto is not quite highlighted in my life.
I will now proceed to the kitchen to make vegi chili and roasted cauliflower soup for dinner and I will clean some more and mop the floor. These activities ground me and comfort me and rest me.