9/27/09

Sunday and I "forgot" this morning to do my prayers. I am slowly turning away from the mind set I have had since I realized that all the structures of society are as active or more active in church.
One Saturday at Mass only two of us trainees showed up and although we sat together she wouldn't talk to me and would only stare at me with burning eyes. I wasn't attempting conversation but rather just the common hellos and happiness to share each others happiness to be joining the church. Well when we exited Mass and went to our studies the other student and our Sister/Teacher were locked in intense conversation which went on long enough for me to feel anxious and rejected and hothead that I am I blew up and said that I was leaving all dramatic like I do with Mars, unhappy, rising in the 1st at the ascendant will do. Well the good sister heard me out and both women were outraged at my complaint the lovely co-trainee saying that I didn't even know what was troubling her and yes I surely didn't know because I was so shut out but the dear Sister took the opportunity to show me that I was so self-centered (narcissistic personality disorder?)that I would always be miserable until I dealt with it. HMMM!?!? I took sister's words to heart and over the years the shell of the narcissistic protection/armour has cracked and fallen leaving me much greater freedom and a more loving connection with others. Part of the healing is to acknowledge just how terrible things were for me and why I retreated into my cave where I was safe to live just with myself. to tell my own stories and to be far away from the world that had hurt me so. Part of this has been accepting that I was never part of the middle-class even though I wanted the trappings I rebelled against the unyielding discipline required too succeed there. I prefer a much looser more derelict life.
Well I needed to get that out in order to explain how I am gentley drawn back to my studies of Christianity. I find that many of the teachings are so helpful even though I realize that much of what goes on is a result of the worst of human society. I have this idea that God is active in my life and that centering myself'/ourselves in the teachings and the rituals of the Church is the easiest and best way of taking care of the children and of the family. I have come to see the damage of abortion because the pregnancy happened outside of real love and relationship and responsiblity. I don't know that I am against abortion but I definetly know that terminating pregnancy without any thought and meditation and reflection is terrible for us. And I am not for one minute fooled by the ridiculous "right to life" folk who seem to stop caring for humanbeings once the baby is grown up and full of the problems that come from being rejected and ignored and resented. I do believe that early pregnancy is potential life and women should be free to decide within the structure of their lives, I don't feel the same with late term abortions when the little one could survive to breathe on its own. I disaagree with the priests who have never had a womb,have never been a part of a marriage or family,etc.
Well anyway-I have been gifted to see the damage done to Amy and then to Courtney and Arvin. I accept my part in breaking Lisa's heart when she was little that had a part in her untimely death. I have seen and I now dedicate my life to caring for these people my family. It is not just material support which is very important but also spiritual and emotional support.
As an astrologer I accept the pain of Saturn conjunct Moon Pluto in the 4th. I even now in my 60's accept the stress of the Mars/Venus conjunction in Taurus rising and even the upset that comes from expressing this conflict,the words which upset and offend so many- I accept that I appear to be a crazy weirdo and the pain of rejection therefore.
So anyway yesterday was aa big haarsh immersion in class actions: our scholar friends and her family and friends rejuecting Steve and I. Enough for now.

Friday 9/25/09

Okay woke up this morning with my Catholic Prayers for the Hours of the Day and I have a rosary and prayers of the rosary book on the way. Back to my blessed ritual. I no longer believe much of the dogma but I know that I was raised Christian and I am culturally christian and I do best with those traditions. I plan to attend Mass again even though this Pope frightens me as does the entire Opus Dei Movement still one of the Church's teachings is that we always have our interior relationship with the god as Holy spirit and if our understanding disagrees with the Church then we need to work it out inside but we can disagree.
I am in my old age seeing how destructive is the casual sex unattached to family and community. Really we do better when we are closely tied to marriage and family and community with our sexuality.
I am seeing now how destructive my rebellious attitude has been-I wanted to live as if I were a woman of privilege putting off marriage and family until later as my friends in college did but guess what I had given birth to three children by the time I was 22. Lisa and Shawn were raised by their grandparents and Amy, Gerald's child, was raised by me and by Gerald. I was lost in narcissistic fog for decades so deep was the injury of my teenage marriage- I see the damage to my children but I am no longer hating myself-I couldn't trust anyone and Gerald did love me but he was so young captured by sex and unable to even understand my issues.
Anyway I am at the great turning now and I will meet this with tears and an acceptance of certain health issues,etc.

Saturday 09/12/2009

I was awakened at around 4 AM by huge rolling thunder shaking the earth. So unusual here. Rarely we get it in the winter over clashing weather formations and of course this is the cause of this one clashing weather fronts.
This in the early morning when yesterday around 3PM there were two death machines, F22's, flying over Berkeley and the surrounds such as our home here in Richmond Annex. Terrifying rumbling noise in heaven black machines with absolutely no purpose other than death. Those machines are used to drop bombs on human beings from miles up in the sky although yesterday they were so close to the ground. So what was that? Something like the military,New world Order fellows pissing on us the progressive enclave of the US?
At any rate my beloved stodgy Scorpio with Mars and Venus in Capricorn and Pisces rising with Saturn opposing Uranus/Pluto in Virgo well specifically Pluto/Uranus oppose Chiron/Ceres with Saturn definitely in the neighborhood-what a truly unusual human being and I love him so although looking at his chart right now I see Saturn transiting his 7th house perhaps too much trouble for him.
I love his jazzy, bluesy way through life how people think that he can be ignored as he is neither handsome nor athletic but here he comes taking care, supporting, loving, understanding with all manner of artistic talent-a musician,writer,illustrator,a wonderful companion,willing to walk for miles, so truly undestanding all while understanding the exact nature of the sin. His NNode at 4+Gemini and my NNode at 2+Gemini and Sun at 3+Gemini-a true hook-up and his Su/Neptune embracing my Jupiter retrograde. He is a lover of cats and they are drwan to him rubbing on his legs and talking to him. I have been amazed to discover that he has that envied characteristic of being able to "disappear" he has no body oder,little sweat and he can move about undectedted-he would be a wonderful scout-going forward unknown to see what is going on. the highest IQ I have known and most of my frineds and loved ones are very very intelligent. He is so bright but never feels the need to show off. awonderful lover and again never a need to show off it is enough for him to know that we are in complete agreement sexually-happy happy happy.

Friday 9/11/2009

Yesterday i was dragging the hand buggy up the hill from Safeway full of groceries and I was happy knowing that I had not spent our last cent on food as is so often the case. I was tired at the beginning because the buggy was loaded down and so I slowed down and admired the boganvilla and noticed that the leaves that turn color harbor a tiny perfect small white blossom. I was so moved by that that I immediately thought well you are a plant from our Mother, you are a Madonna plant. Today as Steve and I were walking past some boganvilla I was sharing my insight to him pointing out the perfect white blossoms contained in the heart of the colorful leaves. Somehow we turned and looked up and on a wire above us was a white dove. Once we looked at her she looked at us and flew away into the tall trees. Really this happened.

Monday 9/7/09

So my granddaughter said that she would love to go to OA meetings with me. I was so surprised and suddenly become willing to try again. I have things to face but I am willing to five this a try.
Sick of Obama since he allowed the firing of Van Jones accepting the Neocon forces. Puke on him and his goons-Emanuel, Summers, Geithner. I imagine I hate him now-he used "us" to get elected and now pretends he never knew us-how tacky and stupid. Obama is NO Kennedy.
Time to go back to 12 Steps get the food under control and eat my own food.

Thursday 9/4/09 Full Moon

Species warfare and I am guilty of slaughtering by the hundreds-ants trooping in to our bedroom on my side because I left a SUBWAY plastic bag with the remains laying by my bed and WOW the word went out to hungry thirsty ants and I awakened to the invasion. And so I killed them with water and Safeway orange cleaner. these little fellas do nothing but head for food and water-they don't even bite as did the larger brown ants of my childhood in Kansas and yet I slaughter them. I think this is a hangover of my early training when my elders had lived through Nagasaki,etc and who were so angry and outraged by stories from Europe and Asia. Oh I don't know but seems to me that removing the temptations will eventually result in their leaving as will the grey misty coolness here breaking the heat wave of the last couple of days.
So I didn't last long with OA-definitely in the past. I will need to find my own way which true to form is now eating like a teenage boy again-not what I need. I have gone down one size in jeans this is good but for my health I definitely need to eat better-I had an intuition that informed me that i am now in a downward spiral and I still have time "to pull out" but I am approaching a period when I will not be able to turn things around. this means getting all the corporate produced food out of my life (as it was during the period when I went to Laney and lived on Harwood,etc). I didn't know then that vegatable oil was so deadly nor did I realize how much I would need probiotics. Perhaps becuase I was so much younger and wasn't yet diabetic although i was hypoglycemic which always surprised MD's who were always convinced that i was simply a health food fanatic. At any rate I weigh 218 and i am 5'2" not good. I need fish oil which will mess with cumadin and I need to increase fiber with psyllium and I need to eat more vegetables both raw and cooked. High protien/high fiber/high vegie.
So this morning I got up and ate cold pizza for breakfast-this is not what i want. Chicken and salad for lunch and more light eating and bringing the family with me or they cook their own food. We can have dessert,we can have the OCCASIONAL junk food but the days of coking out of a box whether shelf stuff or frozen stuff is over-time to move back gentelly and graciously to a better way of life.
What I compromised on with Steve was a surrender to corner store eating necessary for those who are poor in urban settings although we lived only five blocks from one of the best grocery stores in the world Berkeley Bowl but Steve had grown up poor in LA and he had supported himself from the age of fifteen on the income he could scratch up. He didn't have the benefit of the upbringing I had and then the friends I had in my twenties and I surrendered to his world view to keep me from being alone.

Wednesday 9/2/09

So I was reading Eric Frances taking about scandal and shame and the fear of shame being so overwhelming that we lie in fact lying is a good thing to do in order to avoid being guilty of committing a shameful act. He even points out that on this road we could end up lying to ourselves.
I was flooded by a feeling of being whole and comfortable and well when I imagined not being ashamed of myself. This has been the unconscious experience of shame-shame from very early on the 1st grade was filled with it because "Miss McColougha really hated me and was awful mean-I felt deep shame that I didn't know that I was bad. She shamed me with my mistakes. From then on I was overwhelmed by shame. I feel a warm and healing light and I imagine living and breathing without the burden of shame-the amazing feeling of standing and breathing in and breathing out free of the shame I have lived with since at least the age three. HMMMMMM!!! how wonderful.