9/27/09

Sunday and I "forgot" this morning to do my prayers. I am slowly turning away from the mind set I have had since I realized that all the structures of society are as active or more active in church.
One Saturday at Mass only two of us trainees showed up and although we sat together she wouldn't talk to me and would only stare at me with burning eyes. I wasn't attempting conversation but rather just the common hellos and happiness to share each others happiness to be joining the church. Well when we exited Mass and went to our studies the other student and our Sister/Teacher were locked in intense conversation which went on long enough for me to feel anxious and rejected and hothead that I am I blew up and said that I was leaving all dramatic like I do with Mars, unhappy, rising in the 1st at the ascendant will do. Well the good sister heard me out and both women were outraged at my complaint the lovely co-trainee saying that I didn't even know what was troubling her and yes I surely didn't know because I was so shut out but the dear Sister took the opportunity to show me that I was so self-centered (narcissistic personality disorder?)that I would always be miserable until I dealt with it. HMMM!?!? I took sister's words to heart and over the years the shell of the narcissistic protection/armour has cracked and fallen leaving me much greater freedom and a more loving connection with others. Part of the healing is to acknowledge just how terrible things were for me and why I retreated into my cave where I was safe to live just with myself. to tell my own stories and to be far away from the world that had hurt me so. Part of this has been accepting that I was never part of the middle-class even though I wanted the trappings I rebelled against the unyielding discipline required too succeed there. I prefer a much looser more derelict life.
Well I needed to get that out in order to explain how I am gentley drawn back to my studies of Christianity. I find that many of the teachings are so helpful even though I realize that much of what goes on is a result of the worst of human society. I have this idea that God is active in my life and that centering myself'/ourselves in the teachings and the rituals of the Church is the easiest and best way of taking care of the children and of the family. I have come to see the damage of abortion because the pregnancy happened outside of real love and relationship and responsiblity. I don't know that I am against abortion but I definetly know that terminating pregnancy without any thought and meditation and reflection is terrible for us. And I am not for one minute fooled by the ridiculous "right to life" folk who seem to stop caring for humanbeings once the baby is grown up and full of the problems that come from being rejected and ignored and resented. I do believe that early pregnancy is potential life and women should be free to decide within the structure of their lives, I don't feel the same with late term abortions when the little one could survive to breathe on its own. I disaagree with the priests who have never had a womb,have never been a part of a marriage or family,etc.
Well anyway-I have been gifted to see the damage done to Amy and then to Courtney and Arvin. I accept my part in breaking Lisa's heart when she was little that had a part in her untimely death. I have seen and I now dedicate my life to caring for these people my family. It is not just material support which is very important but also spiritual and emotional support.
As an astrologer I accept the pain of Saturn conjunct Moon Pluto in the 4th. I even now in my 60's accept the stress of the Mars/Venus conjunction in Taurus rising and even the upset that comes from expressing this conflict,the words which upset and offend so many- I accept that I appear to be a crazy weirdo and the pain of rejection therefore.
So anyway yesterday was aa big haarsh immersion in class actions: our scholar friends and her family and friends rejuecting Steve and I. Enough for now.