Posting something I wrote for Astroworld but then realized that it is too long for that.
I wish I could participate in one of the Memorial Days of my childhood. We would all go respectfully and excitedly to the "graveyard" with our flowers and place them on the graves of our family members and the strangers from somewhere else would salute and shoot their big Army rifles and the preacher would pray and we, the kids would learn about brothers, sisters,uncles,aunts who died before we knew them. And the richest man laid under his marble blanket and mother would chuckle saying that he would have a hard time getting out of that to meet Jesus. And then we would go home for picnics and company and card playing and the sweet scent of the peonies mama bought for our family graves still in the house because she saved a few out just for us and what a huge treat they were.
Monday, May 31, 2010
Thursday, May 27, 2010
05/27/2010
Soooo- listening to the President explain himself. He is a natural cool dude and the worse things get the cooler he appears. Jeez!! folk really want to blame him for all of this where as I see that we are all to blame at least those of us who live at such a high level of wealth and ease. I cannot imagine that the Obama administration is not hustling and doing what they can to get this "under control".
Helen Thomas on his ass (as she should be) about Afghanistan. I hate all the death and destruction on Iraq and Afghanistan. I don't feel as though they are the enemy just fucking unfortunate that their country is where the Big Boys want to go. I imagine we now have enemies there that didn't grow up hating us but do now due to the killing and maiming and destruction caused by our bombs.
Helen Thomas on his ass (as she should be) about Afghanistan. I hate all the death and destruction on Iraq and Afghanistan. I don't feel as though they are the enemy just fucking unfortunate that their country is where the Big Boys want to go. I imagine we now have enemies there that didn't grow up hating us but do now due to the killing and maiming and destruction caused by our bombs.
05/27/2010
Uranus into Aries today. Perhaps a "plug" is in place. Everyone hates Obama over this because the right wingers have been VERY busy making sure that people think of this as "Obama's Katrina". I am posting a rant from Starlight News that was really inappropriate to post there.
I personally am sick of hearing the Obama haters screaming about how the "government" especially Obama is not doing the right stuff in the Gulf of Mexico. What do people want? Some assholish strutting around with a cod piece saying "I am in charge!!!"
I was grieving on day one and talking about this before anyone else was taking this seriously and I know that the people who are in positions of power and responsibility are doing EVERYTHING they can and Obama has never been a strutter.
I believe that this is an attempt to hang this on Obama as "his Katrina" and the folk who hate him and never voted for him and consider him a traitor/Muslim/socialist/turncoat now want him and his government to fix what cannot be fixed.
I am thankful for the news this morning but this is not addressing the damage. I believe that this administration will make advances and changes but not now there is SO much trouble everywhere right now.
This is probably such an inappropriate rant but I am weary of the destruction of Obama. I have some real misgivings about Obama's decisions but then I do always have these misgivings toward the rich and powerful as they push nature and humans around and steal the cake and then blame the workers or immigrants or whoever has to wear the dunce hat in any season.
I personally am sick of hearing the Obama haters screaming about how the "government" especially Obama is not doing the right stuff in the Gulf of Mexico. What do people want? Some assholish strutting around with a cod piece saying "I am in charge!!!"
I was grieving on day one and talking about this before anyone else was taking this seriously and I know that the people who are in positions of power and responsibility are doing EVERYTHING they can and Obama has never been a strutter.
I believe that this is an attempt to hang this on Obama as "his Katrina" and the folk who hate him and never voted for him and consider him a traitor/Muslim/socialist/turncoat now want him and his government to fix what cannot be fixed.
I am thankful for the news this morning but this is not addressing the damage. I believe that this administration will make advances and changes but not now there is SO much trouble everywhere right now.
This is probably such an inappropriate rant but I am weary of the destruction of Obama. I have some real misgivings about Obama's decisions but then I do always have these misgivings toward the rich and powerful as they push nature and humans around and steal the cake and then blame the workers or immigrants or whoever has to wear the dunce hat in any season.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
05/24/2010
Happy birthday to me-these years the Solar Return happens on 5/24 and will happen I think sometime during the night this year. Waiting for Treme by watching a Beowulf movie. thinking that if there had been some visuals when I was struggling through it in 9th grade English perhaps things would have gone better for me. Doubt it but a thought.
On to the personal again. I have been knowing some forgiveness of myself for the tragedy of my teen years. Could never forgive myself,took on all the responsibility and blame and could never therefore forgive myself. These days I am seeing that YES!! I was already a mother and I loved my children and I did what I could but I was overwhelmed by the collective weight. I rejected my parents becoming aware socially and resenting them for my consignment to the lower classes. I envied Wayne his small,beautiful,refined mother and wanted her for my mother. I envied his clean and smooth home. I feared him with his demand for sex for which I was not yet ready but I was so afraid of going on my own in a social milieu for which I was not prepared and which my parents kept saying I could handle but I could not and I was haunted by the sexual trauma of my early childhood.
These days I am seeing my own reality. Accepting what is mine and accepting what isn't mine and now having a peace inside that I have not had since I was around four years old.
On to the personal again. I have been knowing some forgiveness of myself for the tragedy of my teen years. Could never forgive myself,took on all the responsibility and blame and could never therefore forgive myself. These days I am seeing that YES!! I was already a mother and I loved my children and I did what I could but I was overwhelmed by the collective weight. I rejected my parents becoming aware socially and resenting them for my consignment to the lower classes. I envied Wayne his small,beautiful,refined mother and wanted her for my mother. I envied his clean and smooth home. I feared him with his demand for sex for which I was not yet ready but I was so afraid of going on my own in a social milieu for which I was not prepared and which my parents kept saying I could handle but I could not and I was haunted by the sexual trauma of my early childhood.
These days I am seeing my own reality. Accepting what is mine and accepting what isn't mine and now having a peace inside that I have not had since I was around four years old.
Friday, May 21, 2010
05/21/2010
Posting something I wrote for Astroworld but it really is commentary and not astrological so too long for that site.QOP- thank you for the reminder of how it has been for the people of Iran. I for one have never forgotten. Also fellow dear citizens I have not forgotten WHY certain folk have turned to the militant hating Islam. I wonder what we would do with our Christianity if our towns were blown up and every way out of town and into the country was blown up and bombs meant for warriors hit family homes and the enemy soldiers were raping our beautiful daughters and the killing them? AND the world media were reporting us as animals while giving the others complete passes because they report that we are animals who kill our daughters when they try to learn to read or figure numbers even god forbid math laws-created by our ancestors and ALWAYS true ,eternally and everywhere?
Well this Christian woman remembers what happened and remembers who created the hell we are living today: we believed that OIL belonged to us and we took it in any way we could and as Christians we ignored our teachings and joined the Devil to get what we believed we needed while alive on the earth.
Of course things have only grown worse now and as our president doesn't think that we can afford to stop planting landmines, we are witnessing the possible death of our hemisphere due to our acceptance of dangerous gathering of our mother's pulsing fluids. One Native American I read was talking about that-we should never have taken "our Mother's"petroleum that we don't know what we have caused by doing so. That so resonated with me.
My collards are growing beautifully now that I have replanted them in deep soil. They are in containers but there are four plants and perhaps five gallons of soil and they are happy right now. I am looking forward to collards later in the season.
Senator Dingle was on the TV looking as old as a rock but bright and involved. the body is aging as bodies do but his mind is so there so responsive. I was so touched and so moved by his efforts to regain control of the banks,Wall Street after the years of deregulation and the outrageous looting of our collective treasure.
Myself I would bring the robbers up on charges of theft and treason for grand theft by looting our treasure. I am referring to the scoundrel Republicans ( 0h!1 the ones not yet dead. Can't get to Reagan for example) and the ones like Ron Paul and his young son Rand, the so-called Libertarians. Libertarians whom Thom Hartman say are conservatives who want to smoke weed and get laid. I always hoot when I hear that of course I believe Libertarians are folk who still believe that they did it all by themselves and feel a deep need to protect their treasure from others.
Yesterday I gave out this address to a friend. I think she will be the only reader here beyond the astrologer and my beloved who do check in from time to time.
.
Well this Christian woman remembers what happened and remembers who created the hell we are living today: we believed that OIL belonged to us and we took it in any way we could and as Christians we ignored our teachings and joined the Devil to get what we believed we needed while alive on the earth.
Of course things have only grown worse now and as our president doesn't think that we can afford to stop planting landmines, we are witnessing the possible death of our hemisphere due to our acceptance of dangerous gathering of our mother's pulsing fluids. One Native American I read was talking about that-we should never have taken "our Mother's"petroleum that we don't know what we have caused by doing so. That so resonated with me.
My collards are growing beautifully now that I have replanted them in deep soil. They are in containers but there are four plants and perhaps five gallons of soil and they are happy right now. I am looking forward to collards later in the season.
Senator Dingle was on the TV looking as old as a rock but bright and involved. the body is aging as bodies do but his mind is so there so responsive. I was so touched and so moved by his efforts to regain control of the banks,Wall Street after the years of deregulation and the outrageous looting of our collective treasure.
Myself I would bring the robbers up on charges of theft and treason for grand theft by looting our treasure. I am referring to the scoundrel Republicans ( 0h!1 the ones not yet dead. Can't get to Reagan for example) and the ones like Ron Paul and his young son Rand, the so-called Libertarians. Libertarians whom Thom Hartman say are conservatives who want to smoke weed and get laid. I always hoot when I hear that of course I believe Libertarians are folk who still believe that they did it all by themselves and feel a deep need to protect their treasure from others.
Yesterday I gave out this address to a friend. I think she will be the only reader here beyond the astrologer and my beloved who do check in from time to time.
.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
05/20/2010-2nd
Posting another blog from Starlight News:
Fe-that thought of how much of our lives come in plastic bottles,eased with petroleum gels,etc is a shuddering realization. And I know what you mean about the blunting by the divinity of the damage-this is so far beyond cutting benefits for education or other social outrages-this is on the level of trying to blow smoke in god’s face.
I have for years now been using simple olive oil, not extra virgin,for my skin and I am slowly increasing glass and pottery items for frig storage and canisters-here in my region Safeway store bottled salsas come in wide mouth jars that are excellent for all types of storage needs for instance. I eschew the expensive storage containers advertised in glossy magazines/catalogues because I don’t have extra money AND I don’t need it if i pay attention. This is by way of pointing out how we can change in order to honor our grief and outrage and change now. Small ways add up and also can lead us to bigger ways.
This is in honor of Saturn transiting my natal 6th house soon to be trineing all my 2nd house Gemini planets and heavenly bodies such as Vestia,etc and sixtiling my natal fourth house Saturn,Moon, Pluto. Natally I have Neptune in the 6th-no doubt referring to lifetimes in ashrams and convents and monastaries,etc and judging from this lifetime no doubt have many commitments and vows to poverty. Well in defiance to the piece just posted by Sky Writer: there is a place for poverty especially in cultures with an excess of riches.
Having an 8th house S Node I cringed at the piece SkyWriter republished about how to get rid of moochers in your life. I recall Beth saying"you are a moocher,Clymela after I had stayed with them for 3or4 weeks following the break-up with Roland. This is by way of saying that I have often relied on the kindness of friends and lovers for getting by although I was never one for "forgetting" my wallet and then being unable to pay for my dinner. NO!! with me it has been ever extended poverty so that I could never afford to eat out so I would say when the subject came up "I can't afford to eat out today and then my more affluent or better organized friends would say "oh come on I'll pay". To this day I often have to borrow money to get by due to my over eagerness to "take care" of others. Anyway Beth's judgement still hurts although I can say she even left her spouse Pat for a more wealthy woman because "she just didn't want to scratch anymore"to which Pat said "scratch" as they were property owning middle-class women in their own beautiful home with two generous incomes.but as they say...I digress.
Now to prove my superficial Gemini bonafides: I picked up "1876" by Gore Vidal which we had in a bookcase. I needed something to read that is not about god or politics or astrology,etc. WOW o WOW!! what a writer!! Really ignored I am sure due to his "communist" tendencies. I am loving this book and knowing absolutely zilch about history I am enjoying the book just for the elegant beauty of Vidal's writing. Of course I also share his slant politically although I could never be a mean as my dear Mr Vidal.
Yesterday I made the most delicious white bean soup in celebration of our grinding poverty following the expenses of inoculations and "procedures" for three 9 month old kittens (male). Their sister had her surgery three months ago when the kittens were six months old. Oh! yes and I had a $300 bill for Kaiser for bad checks (that pesky 8th house SNode again-gambling-SNode in Sagittarius in the eighth) one was for $5 from 2005 and there were a couple for $10 and one for $25. Yikes folks are making a fortune on suckers like me-although my fault my grievous fault. Steve and I have resolved to no more check writing regardless of the crisis. We will find other ways.
I can just imagine readers turning away in disgust over the fargility of my honor and character and I can only say Yep!! that is sure true of me not the whole truth but definitely true in part.
Back to the soup: white beans at least a pound. I preboiled them in the 6 quart pot but for cooking I had to transfer them to the 12 quart pot. I drained them ( I know throwing away all the nutrients but better that than the gas) and then cooked them with water and a quart or so of homemade chicken stock. when the beans were soft I cooked minced green pepper and onion and lots of garlic in bacon drippings-someone took my six pieces of bacon saved just for this soup-and then stirred this into the beans and cooked for sometime more. I also squashed the beans with a potato masher just so that they would thicken the soup-not all the beans were mashed. I salted and peppered the soup and served it up. Everyone who had some loved it and it cost about a dollar twenty-five to make and there are leftovers today. Nothing fancy but this is a classic.
Fe-that thought of how much of our lives come in plastic bottles,eased with petroleum gels,etc is a shuddering realization. And I know what you mean about the blunting by the divinity of the damage-this is so far beyond cutting benefits for education or other social outrages-this is on the level of trying to blow smoke in god’s face.
I have for years now been using simple olive oil, not extra virgin,for my skin and I am slowly increasing glass and pottery items for frig storage and canisters-here in my region Safeway store bottled salsas come in wide mouth jars that are excellent for all types of storage needs for instance. I eschew the expensive storage containers advertised in glossy magazines/catalogues because I don’t have extra money AND I don’t need it if i pay attention. This is by way of pointing out how we can change in order to honor our grief and outrage and change now. Small ways add up and also can lead us to bigger ways.
This is in honor of Saturn transiting my natal 6th house soon to be trineing all my 2nd house Gemini planets and heavenly bodies such as Vestia,etc and sixtiling my natal fourth house Saturn,Moon, Pluto. Natally I have Neptune in the 6th-no doubt referring to lifetimes in ashrams and convents and monastaries,etc and judging from this lifetime no doubt have many commitments and vows to poverty. Well in defiance to the piece just posted by Sky Writer: there is a place for poverty especially in cultures with an excess of riches.
Having an 8th house S Node I cringed at the piece SkyWriter republished about how to get rid of moochers in your life. I recall Beth saying"you are a moocher,Clymela after I had stayed with them for 3or4 weeks following the break-up with Roland. This is by way of saying that I have often relied on the kindness of friends and lovers for getting by although I was never one for "forgetting" my wallet and then being unable to pay for my dinner. NO!! with me it has been ever extended poverty so that I could never afford to eat out so I would say when the subject came up "I can't afford to eat out today and then my more affluent or better organized friends would say "oh come on I'll pay". To this day I often have to borrow money to get by due to my over eagerness to "take care" of others. Anyway Beth's judgement still hurts although I can say she even left her spouse Pat for a more wealthy woman because "she just didn't want to scratch anymore"to which Pat said "scratch" as they were property owning middle-class women in their own beautiful home with two generous incomes.but as they say...I digress.
Now to prove my superficial Gemini bonafides: I picked up "1876" by Gore Vidal which we had in a bookcase. I needed something to read that is not about god or politics or astrology,etc. WOW o WOW!! what a writer!! Really ignored I am sure due to his "communist" tendencies. I am loving this book and knowing absolutely zilch about history I am enjoying the book just for the elegant beauty of Vidal's writing. Of course I also share his slant politically although I could never be a mean as my dear Mr Vidal.
Yesterday I made the most delicious white bean soup in celebration of our grinding poverty following the expenses of inoculations and "procedures" for three 9 month old kittens (male). Their sister had her surgery three months ago when the kittens were six months old. Oh! yes and I had a $300 bill for Kaiser for bad checks (that pesky 8th house SNode again-gambling-SNode in Sagittarius in the eighth) one was for $5 from 2005 and there were a couple for $10 and one for $25. Yikes folks are making a fortune on suckers like me-although my fault my grievous fault. Steve and I have resolved to no more check writing regardless of the crisis. We will find other ways.
I can just imagine readers turning away in disgust over the fargility of my honor and character and I can only say Yep!! that is sure true of me not the whole truth but definitely true in part.
Back to the soup: white beans at least a pound. I preboiled them in the 6 quart pot but for cooking I had to transfer them to the 12 quart pot. I drained them ( I know throwing away all the nutrients but better that than the gas) and then cooked them with water and a quart or so of homemade chicken stock. when the beans were soft I cooked minced green pepper and onion and lots of garlic in bacon drippings-someone took my six pieces of bacon saved just for this soup-and then stirred this into the beans and cooked for sometime more. I also squashed the beans with a potato masher just so that they would thicken the soup-not all the beans were mashed. I salted and peppered the soup and served it up. Everyone who had some loved it and it cost about a dollar twenty-five to make and there are leftovers today. Nothing fancy but this is a classic.
05/20/2010
Well the stream of consciousness of 5/18/2010 is certainly hard to follow. Sorry dear readers.
transferring another stream of consciousness from Staqrlight News: too long for a short blog response and yet I want to capture it:
Fe-one thing I know is that this, the Gulf of Mexico rig explosion, is so catastrophic that in time the facts are going to wash away (sorry for that) all patience,etc. as we realize the breadth and depth of the destruction and I personally am more concerned about the families of fish and other sea life that will not hatch this year or next year than I am about rising fuel prices.
I do see this as a collective karma and I am as involved as anyone as I store leftovers in plastic containers or ride in personal vehicles still I know that the companies have been criminal in their refusal to safeguard the cradle of life.
I HATE Rand Paul-really. I have a beautiful,gifted nephew who lives in his state and I just know that he is a supporter although he would never say so to his "hippie-dippie" auntie. I imagine that Rand Paul is expressing real feelings and I don't have an answer. There are racial ill feelings-white people are offended and disturbed by those of other ethnic backgrounds especially they are frightened and offended by Black people and they will do everything possible to make sure they never have to interact with Black people-I know this because I grew up white and rebelled against this fact. Myself I encountered racial disdain when I first went to China Town and was so obviously hated ina collective way and my friend Jennie Ja told me how when she goes to China town with her Caucasian boyfriend the employees of the bakeries would refuse to speak Mandarin with her. And I have encountered racial hatred from the Black Muslims.
More later.
transferring another stream of consciousness from Staqrlight News: too long for a short blog response and yet I want to capture it:
Fe-one thing I know is that this, the Gulf of Mexico rig explosion, is so catastrophic that in time the facts are going to wash away (sorry for that) all patience,etc. as we realize the breadth and depth of the destruction and I personally am more concerned about the families of fish and other sea life that will not hatch this year or next year than I am about rising fuel prices.
I do see this as a collective karma and I am as involved as anyone as I store leftovers in plastic containers or ride in personal vehicles still I know that the companies have been criminal in their refusal to safeguard the cradle of life.
I HATE Rand Paul-really. I have a beautiful,gifted nephew who lives in his state and I just know that he is a supporter although he would never say so to his "hippie-dippie" auntie. I imagine that Rand Paul is expressing real feelings and I don't have an answer. There are racial ill feelings-white people are offended and disturbed by those of other ethnic backgrounds especially they are frightened and offended by Black people and they will do everything possible to make sure they never have to interact with Black people-I know this because I grew up white and rebelled against this fact. Myself I encountered racial disdain when I first went to China Town and was so obviously hated ina collective way and my friend Jennie Ja told me how when she goes to China town with her Caucasian boyfriend the employees of the bakeries would refuse to speak Mandarin with her. And I have encountered racial hatred from the Black Muslims.
More later.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
5/18/2010
So much of previews for the upcoming Grand Crosses 2010-2012 that will include Saturn,Uranus,Pluto. took little Bootz for his surgery, heard that A. the grandson is in trouble again-took a plastic,toy gun to school. Had inked out the flouescent part and so scared his teachers to death and they called the cops. child has a grand cross of his own and in the cardinal signs just as this big one now. He needs a father but his father is unavailable and Steve my partner is so regularly talked down by A that I don't think he really respects Steve.
Another subject: I just caught the disrespect and treachery from Amy in regards myself. I had been shocked to hear her talking about her wonderful Mother's Day after I had invited her to come here and she invited Courtney away from here and so they had a wonderful day and I got shit. Today she must have forgotten who she was speaking to and made a remark about how Arvin comes over here and talks about things his grandma wants to hear. I am in a mood to cut her off, to sort of drop her because she only expresses any affection for me when I have money for her. Well A is now 40 and I guess she can make it on her own. I know that at 63 I no longer need to carry her around like some baby bird from hell.
Another subject: I just caught the disrespect and treachery from Amy in regards myself. I had been shocked to hear her talking about her wonderful Mother's Day after I had invited her to come here and she invited Courtney away from here and so they had a wonderful day and I got shit. Today she must have forgotten who she was speaking to and made a remark about how Arvin comes over here and talks about things his grandma wants to hear. I am in a mood to cut her off, to sort of drop her because she only expresses any affection for me when I have money for her. Well A is now 40 and I guess she can make it on her own. I know that at 63 I no longer need to carry her around like some baby bird from hell.
Friday, May 14, 2010
05/14/2010
Couldn't write yesterday. Went to court with B for the last time. The judge withdrew the plea deal that was formally offered to A. and has decided to give him five years hard time on top of the six almost seven years in Alameda County jail. My beloved friend has hit the wall. She did everything including spending her entire life savings of $10,000 to hire an attorney who did nothing until the money was all gone and A. had to accept a court-appointed attorney who had a career in the Public Defender's office until she opened a private practice. She ended up hating A. who maybe a sociopath-I don't know but something is VERY wrong there.
I am so concerned for my friend-she moved back from her beloved Colorado when friends called her to tell her that A. was in the news both TV and papers. She is of the Ute tribe and belongs naturally on the Western Slope of Colorado. She has done everything she could and what was needed was money and retired civil service social workers traditionally have little money.
Well more of this later-we are presently a computer family and S. has urgent work to complete.
I am so concerned for my friend-she moved back from her beloved Colorado when friends called her to tell her that A. was in the news both TV and papers. She is of the Ute tribe and belongs naturally on the Western Slope of Colorado. She has done everything she could and what was needed was money and retired civil service social workers traditionally have little money.
Well more of this later-we are presently a computer family and S. has urgent work to complete.
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
05/12/2010
I am slowly recovering although I continue to experience weakness and low energy.
Yesterday took Hunter and Pookie to have their vasectomy and they are now home sleeping with swollen scrotums. I so regret having to hurt them this way. They are so sweet and don't seem to blame me the way their sister does since her hysterectomy. Please forgive the spelling of the medical terms if I am wrong.
The destruction of the Gulf of Mexico proves, for me at least, the presence of evil in our lives: this could have been prevented but BP and others are too greedy to spend the money on the preventative technology and we are too mindless and unconscious to require that the oil company and developers use all available technology to insurance against this destruction.
No one seems to want to discuss that, at least to me, all the jet travel, the shipping food from one continent to another,the shipping cheap clothing from one ontinent to another is at the heart of this destructive crisis. We cannot support this any longer at least as I understand things. We must grow our own food and sew our own clothes. This craziness of flying to the Moon,etc must be discussed with the true expense made conscious. For me it is necessary that we ground all our dreams and aspirations-we need to know the actual costs of flight, of car travel, of high rise living as home or as business location. We are no longer under the thrall of those who would be King of the World. This is the age of "people" the common people- we are not interested in cheap clothes from India or China. We don't need lots of extra clothes but we do need to know how to grow potatoes and strawberries and parsly and mint and chickens and how to "put up" the harvest of summer so that we eat in winter.
Sebastian Junger discussing his new book "War" on the Morning Joe show. Listening to him I understand the draw of war in a way that Hillman did not explain to me. I have been always anti-war hating the consequences of war on the civilians and these days war is mostly fought on the the bodies and lives of the "non-combatants". I weep to see these young boys completely baptized into the the hell of war and this is the deepest most meaningful experience of their lives. I will definitly read this book. Junger is the writer from Vanity Fair who wrote the devastating story of the fishing expedition gone wrong and ending up destroyed. As I recall there was one survivor. Oh!! how could I have not remembered: the book is titled "The Perfect Storm"a story that just resonated in my body. I even went to see the movie and cried all the way through knowing how "it ended".
Have to go right now- more Court House activity today with B for her son A.
Yesterday took Hunter and Pookie to have their vasectomy and they are now home sleeping with swollen scrotums. I so regret having to hurt them this way. They are so sweet and don't seem to blame me the way their sister does since her hysterectomy. Please forgive the spelling of the medical terms if I am wrong.
The destruction of the Gulf of Mexico proves, for me at least, the presence of evil in our lives: this could have been prevented but BP and others are too greedy to spend the money on the preventative technology and we are too mindless and unconscious to require that the oil company and developers use all available technology to insurance against this destruction.
No one seems to want to discuss that, at least to me, all the jet travel, the shipping food from one continent to another,the shipping cheap clothing from one ontinent to another is at the heart of this destructive crisis. We cannot support this any longer at least as I understand things. We must grow our own food and sew our own clothes. This craziness of flying to the Moon,etc must be discussed with the true expense made conscious. For me it is necessary that we ground all our dreams and aspirations-we need to know the actual costs of flight, of car travel, of high rise living as home or as business location. We are no longer under the thrall of those who would be King of the World. This is the age of "people" the common people- we are not interested in cheap clothes from India or China. We don't need lots of extra clothes but we do need to know how to grow potatoes and strawberries and parsly and mint and chickens and how to "put up" the harvest of summer so that we eat in winter.
Sebastian Junger discussing his new book "War" on the Morning Joe show. Listening to him I understand the draw of war in a way that Hillman did not explain to me. I have been always anti-war hating the consequences of war on the civilians and these days war is mostly fought on the the bodies and lives of the "non-combatants". I weep to see these young boys completely baptized into the the hell of war and this is the deepest most meaningful experience of their lives. I will definitly read this book. Junger is the writer from Vanity Fair who wrote the devastating story of the fishing expedition gone wrong and ending up destroyed. As I recall there was one survivor. Oh!! how could I have not remembered: the book is titled "The Perfect Storm"a story that just resonated in my body. I even went to see the movie and cried all the way through knowing how "it ended".
Have to go right now- more Court House activity today with B for her son A.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
05/09/2010
So Mother's Day. My daughter cannot come over because she doesn't have a ride and my grand daughter is in an evil mood pretending not to remember that I asked her to help with the expense of getting the three boy cats neutered. Oh well as my old friend said of me;"you are the worst bad mother ever!!" and so it is today.
Friday, May 7, 2010
05/07/2010
I am copying something that I wrote for Starlight but am unwilling to post there:
Yesterday I was joking over on AW about how I no longer wait for the Second coming because I believe that already happened and that Armageddon happened 8/6/1945 with the dropping of the bomb on Hiroshima and of course the next one on Nagasaki. I believe only half jokingly that we are living through the 100 years of war after which the earth will be redeemed and god's law and justice will prevail.
Today I read the article form Planet Waves and the news regarding the strange fungal disease in the NW that so far has been fatal 25% of the time. Maybe I am not joking now. God help us: dumping bombs in the sea and making powders to kill without warning?? I don't think we will go free.
I have been naive considering the sins of people I know including myself. Yes we have all failed,we have all reason for regret but this madness is insane and no wonder those who have some consciousness of what is going on are reduced to talking of reptilian races,lizard people. This reality is beyond unacceptable, we must be insane.
What is really crazy, really crazy is the bombs,etc. in the Gulf are not recent they are old and we are developing more weapons much worse even. This is such madness that I don't have words but I am tempted to sign out. Imagine trying to lead a normal life in the midst of this.
Let me say here that any attempt to appear normal is hopeless absolutely hopeless.
Yesterday I was joking over on AW about how I no longer wait for the Second coming because I believe that already happened and that Armageddon happened 8/6/1945 with the dropping of the bomb on Hiroshima and of course the next one on Nagasaki. I believe only half jokingly that we are living through the 100 years of war after which the earth will be redeemed and god's law and justice will prevail.
Today I read the article form Planet Waves and the news regarding the strange fungal disease in the NW that so far has been fatal 25% of the time. Maybe I am not joking now. God help us: dumping bombs in the sea and making powders to kill without warning?? I don't think we will go free.
I have been naive considering the sins of people I know including myself. Yes we have all failed,we have all reason for regret but this madness is insane and no wonder those who have some consciousness of what is going on are reduced to talking of reptilian races,lizard people. This reality is beyond unacceptable, we must be insane.
What is really crazy, really crazy is the bombs,etc. in the Gulf are not recent they are old and we are developing more weapons much worse even. This is such madness that I don't have words but I am tempted to sign out. Imagine trying to lead a normal life in the midst of this.
Let me say here that any attempt to appear normal is hopeless absolutely hopeless.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Monday 5/3/2010
Shingles rising up again after a weekend of trying to figure out how to get our "ends" together. AND the oil gusher 30 miles off the Gulf of Mexico coast. Turtles,birds other sea life washing up dead and so far we have no hope of stopping this.
I wrote about my entanglement with Norco/narcotics. I wish I had edited the piece but I was too caught up in other issues and activities.
Bill Clinton, the rogue,has been defending Goldman Sachs-bought and sold he is indeed. I am sickened by the politicians. The two I listen to:Bernie Sanders,Vermont and Barbara Boxer,California. I hear from astrologers that Boxer looks to be in trouble from the big money Republicans here.
I imagine that this nation is heading hard right-people are mean and dangerous and rather than accept that they have been fools living on credit, wanting a big life all smooth and shiny never getting active and forcing change just going along with the nasty Republicans who promised Nirvana if only money was easy enough for the chosen few.
Really this is so fucked and we are going to suffer now. Hope none of the biological weapons get set loose in the sea, hope none of the nuclear power stations melt down. Full of doom today but....... I am going to start a pile of sauerkraut/kimchee version today and I am going to start the salad garden today and plant my little greens seedlings that I started a couple of weeks ago. I plan to tend to my urban garden and my crazy family and observe until I come to a group I want to work with-the Grey Panthers attract me.
Jeez-I "lost" this because I was working on a second window and forgot and could not find what I knew I had written. Of course this is simple Monday morning meandering but still I like to post/record and I LIKE to have everything right in front of me.
Posting now and maybe i will lay down by Steve and try to sleep. I have been up since 2 AM due to the shingles.
I wrote about my entanglement with Norco/narcotics. I wish I had edited the piece but I was too caught up in other issues and activities.
Bill Clinton, the rogue,has been defending Goldman Sachs-bought and sold he is indeed. I am sickened by the politicians. The two I listen to:Bernie Sanders,Vermont and Barbara Boxer,California. I hear from astrologers that Boxer looks to be in trouble from the big money Republicans here.
I imagine that this nation is heading hard right-people are mean and dangerous and rather than accept that they have been fools living on credit, wanting a big life all smooth and shiny never getting active and forcing change just going along with the nasty Republicans who promised Nirvana if only money was easy enough for the chosen few.
Really this is so fucked and we are going to suffer now. Hope none of the biological weapons get set loose in the sea, hope none of the nuclear power stations melt down. Full of doom today but....... I am going to start a pile of sauerkraut/kimchee version today and I am going to start the salad garden today and plant my little greens seedlings that I started a couple of weeks ago. I plan to tend to my urban garden and my crazy family and observe until I come to a group I want to work with-the Grey Panthers attract me.
Jeez-I "lost" this because I was working on a second window and forgot and could not find what I knew I had written. Of course this is simple Monday morning meandering but still I like to post/record and I LIKE to have everything right in front of me.
Posting now and maybe i will lay down by Steve and try to sleep. I have been up since 2 AM due to the shingles.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Suanday 5/2/2010
I have been so sick that I have had no need to write to share (tehe-no one interested) but I am a little better now and I am so addicted to this way of journaling that here goes.....I was dreaming that I was looking for a place to live. I am taking care of a baby who I would love to keep but she isn't mine although I am responsible for her. She is a big plumb baby and no one can manage her but I am able to by paying close attention to her and really communicating with her. I would love to stay where I am but the house belongs to someone else. I am wandering through many neighborhoods looking at many places but nothing feels like home.
Now I am in the country and still looking for my new home. I find a vacancy at my childhood home. It is a very sunny day. Steve or at least my mate/companion-trusted but not very wordy. He is carrying a box full of belongings the box is huge covering his vision causing him to stagger I am very concerned but he does not want my help. I decide to walk along side him and to make sure that the box, the overladen box (Box???)does not go sideways become imbalanced therefore tripping my companion and causing the huge, filled to overflowing bos to topple him. We are wlaking under the huge elm trees that my grandfather planted and I love the shade and the majesty of these trees. I breathe so deeply relaxing at last. I am explaining to someone that my grandfather made all of this built the house, planted the trees, AND laid the sidewalks. I am standing on the sidewalks that my grandfather made!! Made long long before anyone thought of my entrance into the world. The baby is cranky and I am trying to direct her care while I continue to protect my companion from overload and loss of the the load of the huge box. As I walk looking down the sun shines through the tree leaves I "realize" that my grandfather laid these sidewalks and they are as good now as they were then back in the 30's and these sidewalks are now mine in that there is the blood. I "remember that my grandfather was considered a failure because he gambled with the marital money and lost it but I am standing on proof that he was not a failure rather a quiet unassuming man who cared more about his family, his private life. He didn't care about the world really, minding to world movements when necessary but really not caring, caring only to build a strong and wonderful home. He only cared about building a foundation and a retreat to keep him and the family safe in all weather.
Wow-the sweetest dream and a gift to this worn out body/soul/light that I am. I have been afraid that I am dying because I have been ill over a month and I continue to be ill-breaking out in welts again yesterday after a short trip see Aimee and Arvin for lunch and a money exchange. I was exhausted and in so much pain and sure that I must have cancer and my sister asked me to show her where the shingles were and there were spots all flared up and she convinced me to take a pain pill and go to bed. Much better-will make a medical appt with my doctor to discuss this and the urgency I feel to never again use the pain pills for anything but this type of serious pain.
I have been using Norco daily for at least three years-cumadin precludes use of aspirin
or ibuprofin,etc. I have developed a habit that must be broken and changed something that has come so clear during this physical ordeal. One day I was so sick and took a Norco for relief that I knew would come and I thought "why on earth am I using this strong medicine daily for stiff muscles, mild arthritic pain, etc? I changed that quickly and I no longer am willing to think about aches and pains of the aging battered physical self as necessarily requiring drug interruption. The trick is going to need the pain meds occasionally-using them and then moving away rather than saying to myself,"my hips are killing me I better have a medicine." Prayer and thought required here and I have dealt with this character drama. I have learned through the alcohol crisis that I am not an alcoholic rather I am in the obessive/compulsive range of the thermometer and so far if I can I WILL take a pleasure as far and as long as I can. I remember at my first orgasm I started praying as the energy descended from the peak praying over and over"please don't let me go back". Really I am not making this up. This is where I am with the Norco although Norco is a narcotic and there is a physical component requiring that I taper of-I am going to get medical support for this issue.
I write this freely because I am retired and no longer worry if someone in "authority" should read this somehow. I am not a part of the working world. I shop at 10AM when the store is quiet. I learn how to live on my old workers annuity: Social Security and CCCounty pension. This feels like welfare because I don't struggle to get it. No, "IT" comes to me and no one is taking notes.
Now I am in the country and still looking for my new home. I find a vacancy at my childhood home. It is a very sunny day. Steve or at least my mate/companion-trusted but not very wordy. He is carrying a box full of belongings the box is huge covering his vision causing him to stagger I am very concerned but he does not want my help. I decide to walk along side him and to make sure that the box, the overladen box (Box???)does not go sideways become imbalanced therefore tripping my companion and causing the huge, filled to overflowing bos to topple him. We are wlaking under the huge elm trees that my grandfather planted and I love the shade and the majesty of these trees. I breathe so deeply relaxing at last. I am explaining to someone that my grandfather made all of this built the house, planted the trees, AND laid the sidewalks. I am standing on the sidewalks that my grandfather made!! Made long long before anyone thought of my entrance into the world. The baby is cranky and I am trying to direct her care while I continue to protect my companion from overload and loss of the the load of the huge box. As I walk looking down the sun shines through the tree leaves I "realize" that my grandfather laid these sidewalks and they are as good now as they were then back in the 30's and these sidewalks are now mine in that there is the blood. I "remember that my grandfather was considered a failure because he gambled with the marital money and lost it but I am standing on proof that he was not a failure rather a quiet unassuming man who cared more about his family, his private life. He didn't care about the world really, minding to world movements when necessary but really not caring, caring only to build a strong and wonderful home. He only cared about building a foundation and a retreat to keep him and the family safe in all weather.
Wow-the sweetest dream and a gift to this worn out body/soul/light that I am. I have been afraid that I am dying because I have been ill over a month and I continue to be ill-breaking out in welts again yesterday after a short trip see Aimee and Arvin for lunch and a money exchange. I was exhausted and in so much pain and sure that I must have cancer and my sister asked me to show her where the shingles were and there were spots all flared up and she convinced me to take a pain pill and go to bed. Much better-will make a medical appt with my doctor to discuss this and the urgency I feel to never again use the pain pills for anything but this type of serious pain.
I have been using Norco daily for at least three years-cumadin precludes use of aspirin
or ibuprofin,etc. I have developed a habit that must be broken and changed something that has come so clear during this physical ordeal. One day I was so sick and took a Norco for relief that I knew would come and I thought "why on earth am I using this strong medicine daily for stiff muscles, mild arthritic pain, etc? I changed that quickly and I no longer am willing to think about aches and pains of the aging battered physical self as necessarily requiring drug interruption. The trick is going to need the pain meds occasionally-using them and then moving away rather than saying to myself,"my hips are killing me I better have a medicine." Prayer and thought required here and I have dealt with this character drama. I have learned through the alcohol crisis that I am not an alcoholic rather I am in the obessive/compulsive range of the thermometer and so far if I can I WILL take a pleasure as far and as long as I can. I remember at my first orgasm I started praying as the energy descended from the peak praying over and over"please don't let me go back". Really I am not making this up. This is where I am with the Norco although Norco is a narcotic and there is a physical component requiring that I taper of-I am going to get medical support for this issue.
I write this freely because I am retired and no longer worry if someone in "authority" should read this somehow. I am not a part of the working world. I shop at 10AM when the store is quiet. I learn how to live on my old workers annuity: Social Security and CCCounty pension. This feels like welfare because I don't struggle to get it. No, "IT" comes to me and no one is taking notes.
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