Suanday 5/2/2010

I have been so sick that I have had no need to write to share (tehe-no one interested) but I am a little better now and I am so addicted to this way of journaling that here goes.....I was dreaming that I was looking for a place to live. I am taking care of a baby who I would love to keep but she isn't mine although I am responsible for her. She is a big plumb baby and no one can manage her but I am able to by paying close attention to her and really communicating with her. I would love to stay where I am but the house belongs to someone else. I am wandering through many neighborhoods looking at many places but nothing feels like home.
Now I am in the country and still looking for my new home. I find a vacancy at my childhood home. It is a very sunny day. Steve or at least my mate/companion-trusted but not very wordy. He is carrying a box full of belongings the box is huge covering his vision causing him to stagger I am very concerned but he does not want my help. I decide to walk along side him and to make sure that the box, the overladen box (Box???)does not go sideways become imbalanced therefore tripping my companion and causing the huge, filled to overflowing bos to topple him. We are wlaking under the huge elm trees that my grandfather planted and I love the shade and the majesty of these trees. I breathe so deeply relaxing at last. I am explaining to someone that my grandfather made all of this built the house, planted the trees, AND laid the sidewalks. I am standing on the sidewalks that my grandfather made!! Made long long before anyone thought of my entrance into the world. The baby is cranky and I am trying to direct her care while I continue to protect my companion from overload and loss of the the load of the huge box. As I walk looking down the sun shines through the tree leaves I "realize" that my grandfather laid these sidewalks and they are as good now as they were then back in the 30's and these sidewalks are now mine in that there is the blood. I "remember that my grandfather was considered a failure because he gambled with the marital money and lost it but I am standing on proof that he was not a failure rather a quiet unassuming man who cared more about his family, his private life. He didn't care about the world really, minding to world movements when necessary but really not caring, caring only to build a strong and wonderful home. He only cared about building a foundation and a retreat to keep him and the family safe in all weather.

Wow-the sweetest dream and a gift to this worn out body/soul/light that I am. I have been afraid that I am dying because I have been ill over a month and I continue to be ill-breaking out in welts again yesterday after a short trip see Aimee and Arvin for lunch and a money exchange. I was exhausted and in so much pain and sure that I must have cancer and my sister asked me to show her where the shingles were and there were spots all flared up and she convinced me to take a pain pill and go to bed. Much better-will make a medical appt with my doctor to discuss this and the urgency I feel to never again use the pain pills for anything but this type of serious pain.

I have been using Norco daily for at least three years-cumadin precludes use of aspirin
or ibuprofin,etc. I have developed a habit that must be broken and changed something that has come so clear during this physical ordeal. One day I was so sick and took a Norco for relief that I knew would come and I thought "why on earth am I using this strong medicine daily for stiff muscles, mild arthritic pain, etc? I changed that quickly and I no longer am willing to think about aches and pains of the aging battered physical self as necessarily requiring drug interruption. The trick is going to need the pain meds occasionally-using them and then moving away rather than saying to myself,"my hips are killing me I better have a medicine." Prayer and thought required here and I have dealt with this character drama. I have learned through the alcohol crisis that I am not an alcoholic rather I am in the obessive/compulsive range of the thermometer and so far if I can I WILL take a pleasure as far and as long as I can. I remember at my first orgasm I started praying as the energy descended from the peak praying over and over"please don't let me go back". Really I am not making this up. This is where I am with the Norco although Norco is a narcotic and there is a physical component requiring that I taper of-I am going to get medical support for this issue.
I write this freely because I am retired and no longer worry if someone in "authority" should read this somehow. I am not a part of the working world. I shop at 10AM when the store is quiet. I learn how to live on my old workers annuity: Social Security and CCCounty pension. This feels like welfare because I don't struggle to get it. No, "IT" comes to me and no one is taking notes.