Happy birthday to me-these years the Solar Return happens on 5/24 and will happen I think sometime during the night this year. Waiting for Treme by watching a Beowulf movie. thinking that if there had been some visuals when I was struggling through it in 9th grade English perhaps things would have gone better for me. Doubt it but a thought.
On to the personal again. I have been knowing some forgiveness of myself for the tragedy of my teen years. Could never forgive myself,took on all the responsibility and blame and could never therefore forgive myself. These days I am seeing that YES!! I was already a mother and I loved my children and I did what I could but I was overwhelmed by the collective weight. I rejected my parents becoming aware socially and resenting them for my consignment to the lower classes. I envied Wayne his small,beautiful,refined mother and wanted her for my mother. I envied his clean and smooth home. I feared him with his demand for sex for which I was not yet ready but I was so afraid of going on my own in a social milieu for which I was not prepared and which my parents kept saying I could handle but I could not and I was haunted by the sexual trauma of my early childhood.
These days I am seeing my own reality. Accepting what is mine and accepting what isn't mine and now having a peace inside that I have not had since I was around four years old.
About Me
- Singing Sparrow
- I almost always write in the early morning. I am an aging hippie living with my husband lover, my adult daughter,my almost adult granddaughter looking for her first full time job and my almost teenage grandson and my sister who is 11 months the younger. As the world prepares for a righteous struggle for individual independence and the correcting of the power of corporations to tell how, where and even when to live i seek the lower level where gardens grow and children learn. +++
No comments:
Post a Comment