Monday, June 29, 2009
Monday 6/29/09
So J is finally in her new place-hoping that she can find a renewed faith and new outlook in this beautiful place. She says that her daughter now hates her-this because she has gone limp in order to force her daughter to take care of her expressing a belief that her daughter "owes" her. Here is praying that she lets that one go now and develops true gratitude and stands for herself AND lets her brilliant and talented daughter go so that she can develop her own life. I am sure it is the isolation that has exacerbated all her negative traits and I am hoping that she can get on her feet again psychically and physically: she reports that she has not had a drink now for 1 1/2 months. Yeah!! this was the biggest problem interfering with her ability to access the social assistance that she needed.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Thursday 6/25/09
I read the most insightful understanding of the epistles of Paul to theGarrett Keizer Galatians: he tells them in one passage to bear each others burdens and then a few lines on tells them to bear their own burdens. This seemed to be a glaring contradiction but as the writer ,Garret Keizer, writing in Harper's 4/2009 explains that these two commandments together are the only way that society/community can work: we must take care of our own duties and help our brothers and sisters when for some reason they are not able to take care of their own obligations. This was literally earth shaking for me. That thought brings together the two parts of life in an unshakable manner and I was so relieved to have the two ends of thought brought together in a harmonious way.
I find myself listening to the Catholic station on tv: I love the thoughts and I agree with them even though I feel guilty because I lived in a liberal manner and counseled others to use abortion, to have sexual relllationships as they felt like it even though I knew that most of my sexual activity came from my guilt and inferiority complex. I dabbled in consummerism to the limit of my purse, never very large. I was angry that my life was failed before I was 21, that I was not aable to sstay true to the values I was raaised with. Sex was too scary for me and I didn't have anyone I trusted to talk with about this and eventually I was driven into a form of insanity that ended with my abandoning my beautiful children-I hated the inferior mothering I was able to provide in my mind breaking/soul withering isolation-religion was no help- no one could come down to my level to reach me. Only after I fled with Casey and then fled Casey and then came with David to San Francisco and left him and met Robert and eventually Gerald and tricked Gerald into supporting me by getting pregnant and then leaving him broken hearted after two or three years-welfare made this possible and free education in California at that time. Education freed me gave me the consciousness of my position and the pressures of that position. I have tried to remain faithful to this realist outlook and to be free of religion and mysticm,etc but I cannot I always return to religion in some form and I am most drawn to Catholism over and over and I have missed attending Mass and I stopped going because I didn't know how to get involved. More on this later-this is coming up becaaause I am no longer as exhusted as I was now that I am "retired".
I find myself listening to the Catholic station on tv: I love the thoughts and I agree with them even though I feel guilty because I lived in a liberal manner and counseled others to use abortion, to have sexual relllationships as they felt like it even though I knew that most of my sexual activity came from my guilt and inferiority complex. I dabbled in consummerism to the limit of my purse, never very large. I was angry that my life was failed before I was 21, that I was not aable to sstay true to the values I was raaised with. Sex was too scary for me and I didn't have anyone I trusted to talk with about this and eventually I was driven into a form of insanity that ended with my abandoning my beautiful children-I hated the inferior mothering I was able to provide in my mind breaking/soul withering isolation-religion was no help- no one could come down to my level to reach me. Only after I fled with Casey and then fled Casey and then came with David to San Francisco and left him and met Robert and eventually Gerald and tricked Gerald into supporting me by getting pregnant and then leaving him broken hearted after two or three years-welfare made this possible and free education in California at that time. Education freed me gave me the consciousness of my position and the pressures of that position. I have tried to remain faithful to this realist outlook and to be free of religion and mysticm,etc but I cannot I always return to religion in some form and I am most drawn to Catholism over and over and I have missed attending Mass and I stopped going because I didn't know how to get involved. More on this later-this is coming up becaaause I am no longer as exhusted as I was now that I am "retired".
Monday, June 22, 2009
Monday 6/22/09
Happy Summer Solstice and New Moon in Cancer and partial lunar eclipse-I love the beginning of summer but I always feel sad at the end and the harvest. the changing of the colors, the dust from the harvests and just the end of growing the fulfillment of all that energy that became so obvious in spring just makes me sad. I get over the sadness once the first real cold comes and I can pull out all the cold weather recipes and everyone starts drawing together and then I love late autumn and winter until around the mid winter when I once again grow impatient for spring and warmth and the bright green.
J is in desperate position now-she is evicted but has not been given the go ahead to move into the Sr housing complex. she is so ill with anxiety and yet I am sure she will be able to move and start all over. she went too long without the meds she needs- she has been gentler and kinder than I have ever known her much like the little girl she must have been. I wish that I could be there to support her but I have little money right now.
I am excited to take up the study of political/mundane astrology. I grew weary of doing charts for people like a trained monkey pretending to be important when i don't really have talent as a healer. I just like to play with the archetypes and see what I think about the different combinations and I am interested now in what happens to countries and the nature of the countries and I love the study of something that only interests me and those I know from the internet.
I still plan to take some of the classes Donna Cunningham offers even though I still believe that she is so judgemental-when I mentioned her coldness and crankiness she was taken aback reminds me of Corina but she does understand how to put ideas into the material world and I want to develop my writing and astrology for the joy of the growing and perhaps to earn some money and gain some of the positive attention I always want-find that audience i fear will be disappointed in me (28 Aries rising?) -astro.com is missing all my data eek I wonder what has happened. Back later.
J is in desperate position now-she is evicted but has not been given the go ahead to move into the Sr housing complex. she is so ill with anxiety and yet I am sure she will be able to move and start all over. she went too long without the meds she needs- she has been gentler and kinder than I have ever known her much like the little girl she must have been. I wish that I could be there to support her but I have little money right now.
I am excited to take up the study of political/mundane astrology. I grew weary of doing charts for people like a trained monkey pretending to be important when i don't really have talent as a healer. I just like to play with the archetypes and see what I think about the different combinations and I am interested now in what happens to countries and the nature of the countries and I love the study of something that only interests me and those I know from the internet.
I still plan to take some of the classes Donna Cunningham offers even though I still believe that she is so judgemental-when I mentioned her coldness and crankiness she was taken aback reminds me of Corina but she does understand how to put ideas into the material world and I want to develop my writing and astrology for the joy of the growing and perhaps to earn some money and gain some of the positive attention I always want-find that audience i fear will be disappointed in me (28 Aries rising?) -astro.com is missing all my data eek I wonder what has happened. Back later.
Saturday, June 20, 2009
more 6/20/2009
Well I failed in getting everything moved over to this site but in reviewing the words again I am thinking that "Sonya" is working undercover to disrupt any real thinking about what is going on. She referred to hating liberals! That is straight out of the 1970's when I was going to Laney and we were getting so much info from the minorities including us ,the women, who although actually the majority had been treated as minorities. The Liberal label is something the media uses and I use to make it easier for others to see where I am going-being a Liberal is not something that actually exists but it does describe someone who seeks single payer medical coverage, free education for everyone, welfare when needed with social workers to encourage young parents to further their education and gain skills needed to support their families.
Listening to Coast To Coast on AM 560 and I am delighted and surprised: normal Americans calling in to talk about what they understand is going on around here and these folk sound like me-they have the same questions and I think they probably have very similar aspirations=these are not the sunshine people but rather the people who are awake at night. Courtney's BFF Jasmine's grandmother turned me on to the program-so thankful for the "company".
Trouble breaking out all over the Mid East-wonder what is up? Is this the result of the Obama regime is this why so much money is needed for war?
Listening to Coast To Coast on AM 560 and I am delighted and surprised: normal Americans calling in to talk about what they understand is going on around here and these folk sound like me-they have the same questions and I think they probably have very similar aspirations=these are not the sunshine people but rather the people who are awake at night. Courtney's BFF Jasmine's grandmother turned me on to the program-so thankful for the "company".
Trouble breaking out all over the Mid East-wonder what is up? Is this the result of the Obama regime is this why so much money is needed for war?
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
LJ over and over I agree with you. I am praying that Uranus in Aries will shake people up in positive directions but I have just come across some news regarding right wing anti-immigrant groups that sat me down with a thud. Uranus in Aries is going to inspire a lot of wingnuts to act on their own and we will go through some ugly times.
I think that more than anything what is being conceived and born during this Neptune,Chiron, Jupiter conjunction is our greatest hope and we need to cling to our own innate instinct for “brotherhood”-perhaps as the last generation of Pisces we are gestating the new “child”and won’t actually live to see the urge embodied.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
More of Tuessday
I go to Shayleah's Hearth.com: a site for kitchen witches. If I am any type of witch I am a kitchen scholar. I share food and knowledge and hopefully so generously that the uninitiated eat freely and take what they need from my studies and never feel forced.
Today has been a day of thinking how angry i am with the old men and their lusting and fearing after young beautiful women as in Imus and Letterman and the treacherous young woman hatred that surfaces almost in every show of HOUSE. I see the anti-choice movement as the manifastation of this hatred: young women sexually initiated are either sluts or baby-killers. Jeez I hate this in a more loving informed environment women could protect themselves from pregnancy with contraception that doesn't threaten their health or arrange for early abortion that doesn't cccausse so much guilt. I find it strange that even in this time of choices people don't want to allow pregnancy termination.
I know my own guilt for early ssex the conceptiion of two children that i birthed but did not raise-a bad girl, slut becuase i could not keep going in the marriage that I had with Wayne. I was so lonely and isolated and so bright and there was no one to guide me. I think I could have settled if I could have had a steady strong feminine mentor like Mrs Thompson but alas and what I needed to contact my inner Teacher was the suffering and the confusion. Now in my sixties I feel at home not proud of everything but grateful for this life and this opportunity to come to know myself even though by my current understanding this "self" is temporary-it arises with the body. I believe that life is eternal but I don't know what "Life" is only that I am part of Life. As the Religous Science man wrote " I believe that there is one life,that life is god and that life is my life now. Those words sum up my religion.
Today has been a day of thinking how angry i am with the old men and their lusting and fearing after young beautiful women as in Imus and Letterman and the treacherous young woman hatred that surfaces almost in every show of HOUSE. I see the anti-choice movement as the manifastation of this hatred: young women sexually initiated are either sluts or baby-killers. Jeez I hate this in a more loving informed environment women could protect themselves from pregnancy with contraception that doesn't threaten their health or arrange for early abortion that doesn't cccausse so much guilt. I find it strange that even in this time of choices people don't want to allow pregnancy termination.
I know my own guilt for early ssex the conceptiion of two children that i birthed but did not raise-a bad girl, slut becuase i could not keep going in the marriage that I had with Wayne. I was so lonely and isolated and so bright and there was no one to guide me. I think I could have settled if I could have had a steady strong feminine mentor like Mrs Thompson but alas and what I needed to contact my inner Teacher was the suffering and the confusion. Now in my sixties I feel at home not proud of everything but grateful for this life and this opportunity to come to know myself even though by my current understanding this "self" is temporary-it arises with the body. I believe that life is eternal but I don't know what "Life" is only that I am part of Life. As the Religous Science man wrote " I believe that there is one life,that life is god and that life is my life now. Those words sum up my religion.
Tuesssday 6/16/2009
Happy Birthday Roland. 61 today Oh Boy I know you neveer thought this could happen you old outlaw gangster son brother lover-enjoy and take your MEDS.
Anger this morning listening to stories about the torture of prisoners during the bush years and having quesyness thinking that this is still going on. why do I think that this is going on now under Obama? One only needs to hear the statement defending the right of marriage liking same sex marriage with incest,child/adult marriage,polygymy to understand just how treacherous is his betrayal. I am wondering if he is not just as craven a liar as the right wing says. He seems to haaate us progressives although we are the ones who got him elected.
Just heard about a group-democraats.com aaa grooup for progressive democraats. Will be looking them up.
Decided Sunday that I am NOT a witch-I am not going backward must go on from the,for me,literally earth shaking reealization haat I no longer accept christianity. I jusst don't accept the message and I especially don't like the messaage of Christian churches anddd I aaam alienaatedd from my beloved RC due to the current Pope and his henchmen-I jusst can't accept any rreeligion that believes homosexuals are living in sin-I just know better. I think what upsets people is the male sex which is often shocking experienced without the "civilizing" presence of women. Boy I am all over the place here but I just realized that claiming witch is wrong at this point-it is in opposition to Christianity and I am feeling the need for something new, a new approach aa way that says here I am Your creation, I am now mature, I have loved you with every step. I have failed as a citizen but I have had moments when I stood upright in your Presence and stood for what I understand you ask of me. I guess my point is that my Divine Presence is beyond whaat is discussed in christianity andd I have no desire to claim knowledge as a witch that I don't have.
More later
Anger this morning listening to stories about the torture of prisoners during the bush years and having quesyness thinking that this is still going on. why do I think that this is going on now under Obama? One only needs to hear the statement defending the right of marriage liking same sex marriage with incest,child/adult marriage,polygymy to understand just how treacherous is his betrayal. I am wondering if he is not just as craven a liar as the right wing says. He seems to haaate us progressives although we are the ones who got him elected.
Just heard about a group-democraats.com aaa grooup for progressive democraats. Will be looking them up.
Decided Sunday that I am NOT a witch-I am not going backward must go on from the,for me,literally earth shaking reealization haat I no longer accept christianity. I jusst don't accept the message and I especially don't like the messaage of Christian churches anddd I aaam alienaatedd from my beloved RC due to the current Pope and his henchmen-I jusst can't accept any rreeligion that believes homosexuals are living in sin-I just know better. I think what upsets people is the male sex which is often shocking experienced without the "civilizing" presence of women. Boy I am all over the place here but I just realized that claiming witch is wrong at this point-it is in opposition to Christianity and I am feeling the need for something new, a new approach aa way that says here I am Your creation, I am now mature, I have loved you with every step. I have failed as a citizen but I have had moments when I stood upright in your Presence and stood for what I understand you ask of me. I guess my point is that my Divine Presence is beyond whaat is discussed in christianity andd I have no desire to claim knowledge as a witch that I don't have.
More later
Friday, June 12, 2009
Friday towards the end of the day
I am tired-some change in the weather kicked my butt and left me with aching,screaming feet and aching legs and weariness. We were going to have shrimp burritos but may have to settle for Mexican hamburger. I of course took some pain meds and could now cook the shrimp burritos.
MSNBC talking about Tim Russert who died a year ago tomorrow. I wonder why I care because when he was alive I suspected him of great treachery-weird HUH!!!
I noticed blssoms on the African violet. OH Happy Day what a wonder how beautiful. I also bought a set of runes today and a book and my first draw is AS ,OS,Ansuz which is one of the runes that I have thought about looked at-an arrow, a musical note, a backward F
MSNBC talking about Tim Russert who died a year ago tomorrow. I wonder why I care because when he was alive I suspected him of great treachery-weird HUH!!!
I noticed blssoms on the African violet. OH Happy Day what a wonder how beautiful. I also bought a set of runes today and a book and my first draw is AS ,OS,Ansuz which is one of the runes that I have thought about looked at-an arrow, a musical note, a backward F
Monday, June 8, 2009
Monday 6/8/2009
I have been depressed!! Wondering if I made the correct choice and yet I feel as if the "choice" made me retire. The times have changed most of those i worked with grew up while Reagan was President and they are basically anti-welfare always interested in finding discrepancies such as a change of banks, an unreported life insurance policy and slow to explain how these things could be resolved and very stingy with offering understanding of the frustration and anxiety sick and aged people feel when dealing with the government and the needs of government to clear their eligibility. Only a few of the women are truly feminist oddly the woman I felt closest to, Areceli, was a soldier in the national Guard and had to go to Bush's Iraq for a year and a half. she came home to find her husband neglecting the children and screwing women all over town-she had to clean up and then invested the $55,000 accumulated while she was "over there" in buying a house for 1/2 million, a small california wooden house worth perhaps ,in the desirable suburb where it was loacted,perhaps, $150,000. Her father couldn't talk her out of it and then of course the bubble burst and she was stuck with a house note in excess of $2500 a month and of course she couldn't keep it all up and they lived on her credit card. well she is a feminest and was such a support when my darling was going through a "late term", second trimester abortion that made me wince and wish that she would carry the child and give her to me but I knew that was dreaming my way out of an untenable moral conflict/position. I feared pregnancy all along after having Amy and was supportive of abortion but grew sick of this as so many of the truly beautiful young women I knew went through this mostly from the lack of consistent use of birth control. I am still a supporter of abortion-women must have this option, must have this choice but we also need more options of birth control. I used the IUD and it was very effective and then later I used the diaphram which was also very effective. For years I had sheets that carried the evidence of the spotting from the IUD but that was better to me than pregnancy. Perhaps there was scar tissue that would have prevented pregnancy but I don't know and now I am long post menopausal and that is all over and I think that it is easier to grow sentimental over the developing embryo and to ignore the woman involved. So easy to get drawn into that Heaven where the unborn calls out to be protected and the woman is punished for her sexuality. I think that i am influenced by such as Hillary Clinton with her "safe, affodable and RARE" and therefore making this spiritual while allowing it. I am happy I guess for those who remain safely wthin their cultural walls who will only conceive children that they desire and can afford: love babies who will be brought up to carry on the culture. That is wonderful but to judge other women by those standards is so cruel and that is what I struggle against here. Sometimes women cannot carry that preganacy to term they just can't and I would rather support that reality than the reality we have now that uses white phospherous in Pakistan on the living while fighting against abortion here, seems so nuts to me when these Christians could use all the anger to feed people, to educate, to shelter. They could work to get laws that would decrease the military budgets and increase the welfare and medicaid budgets and pay for education as far as a student could go.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
thursday 6/4/2009
generally when people have been unable to provide for themselves they were abandoned because of the drain on the younger stronger ones. social security and welfare were attempts to move around that old instinct all the so-called socialist evolution.
I have said for years that it has been the socialism that brought the great wealth to this society-when young families no longer had to send money home they were free to move and evolve.I think that that is the two edged sword as we say.I for one am so delighted to have social security and pension while I can still walk and type and read. My landlord, Chinese from Burma is shocked ,I tell you shocked ,that I have money but I am not "working"and I have heard numerous times "well my auntie, mamma,uncle just retired at 84 years. I am a grateful socialist and I will do all that I can to keep all the socialism we have and to improve on medical coverage,etc.generally when people have been unable to provide for themselves they were abandoned because of the drain on the younger stronger ones. social security and welfare were attempts to move around that old instinct all the so-called socialist evolution.
Public education cannot be ignored although the young capitalist have done their best to undo what we had. I think I understtand -they don't want their children exposed to the children of the drug addicts or the children of chaos and poverty ; they want their children exposed to society as they see it and there are very expensive private schools to educate and train the social leaders
I have said for years that it has been the socialism that brought the great wealth to this society-when young families no longer had to send money home they were free to move and evolve.I think that that is the two edged sword as we say.I for one am so delighted to have social security and pension while I can still walk and type and read. My landlord, Chinese from Burma is shocked ,I tell you shocked ,that I have money but I am not "working"and I have heard numerous times "well my auntie, mamma,uncle just retired at 84 years. I am a grateful socialist and I will do all that I can to keep all the socialism we have and to improve on medical coverage,etc.generally when people have been unable to provide for themselves they were abandoned because of the drain on the younger stronger ones. social security and welfare were attempts to move around that old instinct all the so-called socialist evolution.
Public education cannot be ignored although the young capitalist have done their best to undo what we had. I think I understtand -they don't want their children exposed to the children of the drug addicts or the children of chaos and poverty ; they want their children exposed to society as they see it and there are very expensive private schools to educate and train the social leaders
Wednesday, June 3, 2009
wednesday 6/3/2009
So here I am deep into the first week of retirement and I feel weird guilty and kind of lost.
Yesterday went for ffamily therapy with Amy and Arvin and Lisa. Lisa pointed out the obvious that we are much more at peace now even though I always wanted us to have a large house so that we could live together. I wanted us to be safe and when Amy was sleeping all the time and consorting with stupid criminal types I wanted to offer a cave where all could hide. I was afraid and tired and jusst wanted to "put us up".
I was relieved to see amy's new place. The energy is good, the place is clean, the block is good. There are several multi-family dwellings as we say in the newspaper but the energy is up beat and clean none of the criminl energy in that block of Oregon.
Steve and I plan to get Comcast in for them for around $150 a month-that is phone, tv,internet and we plan to buy a rebuilt E-machine from Apple. that will address the need for entertainment and for school work.
Yesterday went for ffamily therapy with Amy and Arvin and Lisa. Lisa pointed out the obvious that we are much more at peace now even though I always wanted us to have a large house so that we could live together. I wanted us to be safe and when Amy was sleeping all the time and consorting with stupid criminal types I wanted to offer a cave where all could hide. I was afraid and tired and jusst wanted to "put us up".
I was relieved to see amy's new place. The energy is good, the place is clean, the block is good. There are several multi-family dwellings as we say in the newspaper but the energy is up beat and clean none of the criminl energy in that block of Oregon.
Steve and I plan to get Comcast in for them for around $150 a month-that is phone, tv,internet and we plan to buy a rebuilt E-machine from Apple. that will address the need for entertainment and for school work.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Monddday 6/1/2009
So yesterday a certain Dr Teller of Witchita was murdered in his his church for the sins of performing late term abortions. Most of the radicals are younger and therefore I fear for women in the years coming. there is much murdering hating energy in this society-the so-called pro-life folks are the same ones who vote against welfare and medical coverage which to my mind reveals that they want to punish women for sex. If they were truly pro-life there would e a quaranteed income, medical care and eduction for all. If they were truly prolife it would be a felony to possess a billion dollars, a felony to in any way advertise against single payer health coverage, to own a medical insurance company that spends money to advertise against public health coverage.
I fear a right wing takeover as the economy fails and the children raised in the Reagan years enter their 50's and they have only the right wing ideology they were raised with to turn to for guidance. So many of them evengelical christiians iwth an anti-intellectual attitude so that they don't have to grapple with any thinking that might cause them to doubt.
The murder in Kansas has fightened me.
Schwarzenngar threatening to cut off all welfare including IHSS, TANF,Medi-Cal. No one is complaining. WTF?? Perhaps the righttwing takeover is closer than I thought.
I fear a right wing takeover as the economy fails and the children raised in the Reagan years enter their 50's and they have only the right wing ideology they were raised with to turn to for guidance. So many of them evengelical christiians iwth an anti-intellectual attitude so that they don't have to grapple with any thinking that might cause them to doubt.
The murder in Kansas has fightened me.
Schwarzenngar threatening to cut off all welfare including IHSS, TANF,Medi-Cal. No one is complaining. WTF?? Perhaps the righttwing takeover is closer than I thought.
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