Monday 6/8/2009

I have been depressed!! Wondering if I made the correct choice and yet I feel as if the "choice" made me retire. The times have changed most of those i worked with grew up while Reagan was President and they are basically anti-welfare always interested in finding discrepancies such as a change of banks, an unreported life insurance policy and slow to explain how these things could be resolved and very stingy with offering understanding of the frustration and anxiety sick and aged people feel when dealing with the government and the needs of government to clear their eligibility. Only a few of the women are truly feminist oddly the woman I felt closest to, Areceli, was a soldier in the national Guard and had to go to Bush's Iraq for a year and a half. she came home to find her husband neglecting the children and screwing women all over town-she had to clean up and then invested the $55,000 accumulated while she was "over there" in buying a house for 1/2 million, a small california wooden house worth perhaps ,in the desirable suburb where it was loacted,perhaps, $150,000. Her father couldn't talk her out of it and then of course the bubble burst and she was stuck with a house note in excess of $2500 a month and of course she couldn't keep it all up and they lived on her credit card. well she is a feminest and was such a support when my darling was going through a "late term", second trimester abortion that made me wince and wish that she would carry the child and give her to me but I knew that was dreaming my way out of an untenable moral conflict/position. I feared pregnancy all along after having Amy and was supportive of abortion but grew sick of this as so many of the truly beautiful young women I knew went through this mostly from the lack of consistent use of birth control. I am still a supporter of abortion-women must have this option, must have this choice but we also need more options of birth control. I used the IUD and it was very effective and then later I used the diaphram which was also very effective. For years I had sheets that carried the evidence of the spotting from the IUD but that was better to me than pregnancy. Perhaps there was scar tissue that would have prevented pregnancy but I don't know and now I am long post menopausal and that is all over and I think that it is easier to grow sentimental over the developing embryo and to ignore the woman involved. So easy to get drawn into that Heaven where the unborn calls out to be protected and the woman is punished for her sexuality. I think that i am influenced by such as Hillary Clinton with her "safe, affodable and RARE" and therefore making this spiritual while allowing it. I am happy I guess for those who remain safely wthin their cultural walls who will only conceive children that they desire and can afford: love babies who will be brought up to carry on the culture. That is wonderful but to judge other women by those standards is so cruel and that is what I struggle against here. Sometimes women cannot carry that preganacy to term they just can't and I would rather support that reality than the reality we have now that uses white phospherous in Pakistan on the living while fighting against abortion here, seems so nuts to me when these Christians could use all the anger to feed people, to educate, to shelter. They could work to get laws that would decrease the military budgets and increase the welfare and medicaid budgets and pay for education as far as a student could go.