I read the most insightful understanding of the epistles of Paul to theGarrett Keizer Galatians: he tells them in one passage to bear each others burdens and then a few lines on tells them to bear their own burdens. This seemed to be a glaring contradiction but as the writer ,Garret Keizer, writing in Harper's 4/2009 explains that these two commandments together are the only way that society/community can work: we must take care of our own duties and help our brothers and sisters when for some reason they are not able to take care of their own obligations. This was literally earth shaking for me. That thought brings together the two parts of life in an unshakable manner and I was so relieved to have the two ends of thought brought together in a harmonious way.
I find myself listening to the Catholic station on tv: I love the thoughts and I agree with them even though I feel guilty because I lived in a liberal manner and counseled others to use abortion, to have sexual relllationships as they felt like it even though I knew that most of my sexual activity came from my guilt and inferiority complex. I dabbled in consummerism to the limit of my purse, never very large. I was angry that my life was failed before I was 21, that I was not aable to sstay true to the values I was raaised with. Sex was too scary for me and I didn't have anyone I trusted to talk with about this and eventually I was driven into a form of insanity that ended with my abandoning my beautiful children-I hated the inferior mothering I was able to provide in my mind breaking/soul withering isolation-religion was no help- no one could come down to my level to reach me. Only after I fled with Casey and then fled Casey and then came with David to San Francisco and left him and met Robert and eventually Gerald and tricked Gerald into supporting me by getting pregnant and then leaving him broken hearted after two or three years-welfare made this possible and free education in California at that time. Education freed me gave me the consciousness of my position and the pressures of that position. I have tried to remain faithful to this realist outlook and to be free of religion and mysticm,etc but I cannot I always return to religion in some form and I am most drawn to Catholism over and over and I have missed attending Mass and I stopped going because I didn't know how to get involved. More on this later-this is coming up becaaause I am no longer as exhusted as I was now that I am "retired".
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