Monday 8/17/09

Now is the time of S Back and Brian Kerss for birthday. Happy Birthday guys.
Grand square time- mutable-much grouchiness and too many words. I feel weary this morning. courtney's dream job was not and all her flaws came stumbling out and so she lives here and all her stuff is laying around in the living room. I won't accept that whe and her boyfriend stay up all night smoking up every dollar they can get their hands on to buy pot,eating up all the food and then sleeping until aafternoon. I haate this and don't want to be aaround this and will not allow this to go on. Her boyfriend is like a deer frozen in the headlights-he won't go back to school and he can't find a job and whatever is going on at his house he doesn't want to be there. I can't stand that they are lost in darkness,darkness that I have nurtured.
This weekend I have traveled through my old childhood hidden room under earth: neurosis-fear of life, fear of others, fear of self. I excaped these feaars through drugs-pot and alcohol and now pain relievers. "We" all smoked in the 60's and 70's and now I am one of the few still smoking. I am angry because my life is so full of peole that I am not free to get stoned, lay on the bed and read and watch tv and listen to the radio. I gave up tobacco several years ago but I went on smoking dope and gaining weight and this has become a trap. I have become diabetic and my knees are giving out and still I weigh over 200 lbs. I need help. I need to face some things about myself and my life and I need to change,really change. I can see now what a terrible effect I have had on my children and grandchildren.