12/16/2009-Wayne turns 66

12/16/09
So again Happy Birthday Wayne. May this be the best year yet. May you swim in warm, clear waters and may the depths reveal to you her secrets and enchant you and heal all that binds you and keeps you from the love you want.
I forgive you utterly. We were so young and both of wounded. We did the best we could but it was not enough. You could not do more for us than provide a little money and a lot of sex. I could not do more than love the child and try to provide a safe home but in the end that was certainly not enough. I have no bitterness. You did the best you could and so did I and we were both the expression of long, long family dramas that we brought to life. So it is.

Of all the seasons I love Yule and Spring the most. Yule is the one where we are free to abandon ourselves to beauty and bounty. Candles and candy, cakes and goose and Christmas Trees and Lights and warm clothes and surprises. I have always loved it and the Sabian Symbol for my Sun is 4Gemini-A fully lighted Christmas Tree. Christmas Day is The Feast Day of them all for me far surpassing Easter and Thanksgiving. I used to love Thanksgiving because it was free of the depths of Christmas and therefore freed me from my mother whose unspoken secrets scared the pants off me (literally?!?! Tehetehe.) Now my mother is dead and yes I miss her and the light part of her but I do not miss that haunted presence which was her unshared stories and memories and Christmas is all mine now to share with my family as I understand it. My mother always broke down at Christmas weeping and scaring me to death and she would always say that is was because she was always so poor at Christmas and she would tell stories of poverty of the Great Depression but I now know that the true poverty was the the birth of her only son,illegitimate and hidden and given away to childless couple and kept secret always from my father and we daughters-he was born 12/26/1943. that was part of the secrets I always felt but could not name.
My granddaughter and I had the most magical incredible morning talking and sharing plans for her future. She is not as unaware as I thought and acknowledges how expensive it is for to support her and Jamal and I am convinced that she will get things together and that together all of us here can help her heal from her childhood-I know her chart i know how strong she is and she will make it. she is also more inquisitive than I have given her credit for it is just that she is still quite immature and this will pass with time.