12/23/2009

12/23/09

This is perhaps the saddest Christmas yet. Absolutely no money-Steve has not received his pay and I have exhausted all of mine and there is no Christmas dinner either and no tree. My sister cries and pretends to be far away and reminds me of our father who would sacrifice anyone anytime so that he could look good. A deep selfishness there that I always mistrusted because he rejected and denied me when I was very young in the context of remaining the beautiful one.

HMMM! I sure didn't know that that was coming out but wow-time to look at that and let it go. Time to recognize that John was an only child with a mean father and disabled mother and a rebellious soul.

I began to weep and decided to look at john's chart:not sure of time or place a hinderance so I used Harrison, AR which is near Fort Smith and I know there were ties there and his favorite cousin Marie lived on a farm outside of Fort Smith and I used 10AM as an estimate time.
New moon baby,Aries with Taurus moon and Mercury conjunct the Moon-very ,very bright in a practical way. He made things with his hands and could repair absolutely anything and even singlehandedly redesigned ( and did all of the work alone) our bathroom in Kansas. He worked for years as a lineman for Northern natural Gas making piss wages but turning the time into an investigation of the Plains People whose campgrounds could still be found as if they just left for the day. He brought home all manner of things and animals and he loved animals.
Life as an undereducated young man with emotional problems and absolutely no family, no connections was harsh and lonely I think especially because he was so very bright and creative and really had many more gifts than the folks he was forced to live and work with. He was rejected because he talked of things they had never seen or heard of, things he had seen and known. His peers thought that he was a liar and a cheat and he always had money problems (Saturn/Neptune in the 2nd I think). He learned to shrug them off and go his own way as we would expect with a New Moon Aries. Not too much going on with that Aries Sun but he was very creative if lonely.
Venus/Mars opposition Venus in Pisces and Mars in Virgo. I tangled with this all of our lives together. He was so loving especially toward children and small animals BUT he demanded that they measure up and accept criticism and get to work immediately on correcting themselves.
My father and I struggled-him to correct my course and me to get him off me so that I could feel good.

Okay it is now 6 AM and I am not inclined to go further into this chart but I thank my source for this opportunity to see John as he was in his own center,to forgive him to ask his forgiveness for my youthful rebellion and rejection. ANd the opportunity to state that he was repressive and and frightening-my nephew Randy has a similar report although others in the family saw him differently.

I wasn't expecting this Christmas visit with John, my father this time but I am grateful and I feel released in a deep place.

Now Steve and I are off to the grocery store to begin shopping for the family dinner Friday 12/25/09. I will keep it as simple as possible and pray that his check for services rendered from august on will show up. Sending Schwarzeneggar and his evil ,greedy friends hopes for stomach pain and disturbing dreams. Fuck them all for using people like Steve and I as their pawns. there is absolutely no need to do this to working folks as if we are the problem. Really fuck them all.