Hven't been here for days. Busy around the house and with going to Kaiser and with getting meds that others have said are killing me but they do manage to keep my heartbeat under control adn do seem to keep me under control as well.
Saw my doctor who was very involved in my Vicodin intake and we have an agreement that I will use three a day however that was not what I went in for: I was ill and my family was worried-I was obviously ill unable to carry on with pain in my back and a low fever. Well when I get to the doctor my vitals are beautiful BP 67/120 and pulse at 77 and body temp low 97+ so the 0D goes all corporate and starts Kaiser's latest trend on me with the lecture about using too much Vicodin and again suggesting. ,again, that I try the other long acting drug which was involved with Lisa's addiction( I forget the name but it is the drug that Limbaugh got caught hoarding. Bizarre little meeting. I am not arguing about the Vicodin and agree that I am using too much because when I use the pain pills I have energy and do not feel pain and therefore get things done. My good doctor also said that the problem with the plan she is laying out for me tends to make things worse because "patients"continue to use the Vicodin and end up using both narcotics. Well I again turned down the offer of the other narcotic even if it wouldn't get me high.
I turned down the hydocodin (?) and agreed to use only 3 Vicodin daily. I used Advil.etc. because those drugs got rid of the pain of serious knee problems which I still have. I loved Vioxx, loved it and would never have chosen Vicodin over Vioxx but guess what?? Vioxx caused people to fall down dead from heart issues.
Well I had a very weird Dr. visit aand still haven't been able to say to my DR."I
get VERY tired doing things that I used to do and "used to do" refers to months ago"and I was sick so sick that my family was worried about me. Instead I got this lecture on Vicodin because the FEDS are crazy on this subject and a man from Walnut Creek has a new program to help practitioners identify those with problems-he wants to make money and knows how to talk to corporations and get the head guys all excited.
As we have lived with all through this "War On Drugs"there is money to be made and these folks don't want to consider that we are different now=when I was little and the dentist was drilling on a cavity I had to bite on a block of wood rather than get novacaine. Well that reality is over now and now we use drugs and we like them and they make reality so that we can continue living with energy and looking young. I imagine that I am not a good spokeswoman for this reality because I have been a pot smoker for over forty years which makes me a hardened criminal I imagine and I have the scandalous history and even had a period in the 80's when I used cocaine in an immodest and destructive way although I will say that once I understood that Amy's father would not let her come home that summer I quit using the cocaine on the spot and chose to support my daughter who mostly hates me to this day for our poverty and bleakness. I will say that I was tired after making our living and trying to love her and support her but good god in heaven here she was in Oakland with no money after being on Maui and excelling at paddling and finally getting her academics together. Sher had some very good skills picked up from her father-working for what we want and watching how much we eat but Gerald's rejection broke her heart and she ended up on crack because I believe I was naive and thought that she was hanging out with a nice leftie boyfriend who was a little older than she was
You know what? I just don't want to go over all of this forever-I want to put this behind me and let new things in. Amy is 40 now she can take over with her life. As Joyce said once "you are the most,worst mother ever". Why would I stay there? Now I like to cook and garden and take care of the cats. I like to read and clean house and go for short trips and seek out streams with moss and ferns and bushes of berries. I am weary of going over my failures and I have consequently shut out most of those who knew me in my 20's-I failed them but as they say on the streets these folks were "not paying my rent" nor were they even in town
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
03/22/2010
Morning after the vote to pass the Senate bill for changes in how health care is provided in this society. The fighting is not over and with Uranus entering Aries we can expect people wearing guns and shooting up places where those they hate gather. This will be set off by the hatred of authority and corporations, Pluto in Capricorn square the Uranus in Aries. I do believe though that Saturn in Libra will smooth over the desire for mass murder and don't forget astrologers that Saturn is ashamed of the corporate show-offs of Pluto in Capricorn and Saturn is exalted in Libra-Saturn at his best: soft spoken,firm, reasoned,fair. So Saturn ruler of Capricorn is disgusted right now and Uranus in Aries will "listen"to Saturn here and both will "turn" on Pluto.
Early morning cable tv (MSNBC) is all Republican I imagine to woo the office workers,Wall St folk,etc. Right now they are interviewing the creepy Dr Mr Bill Frist from somewhere in the South, Tennessee? Well he was on pushing his latest,potable water, thing. Sadly I imagine that if he and Brad Paisley are involved their efforts will be water for cash. Well let me not say that since Brad Paisley is a young country western artist. I was thinking of a paisley from S Africa or Ireland or somewhere else from history who was a screaming racist who tried to stop the flow of history-vague as I can be here obviously showing my age TEHEHEHEHE! I had never even heard of Brad Paisley and the music people that I know are white headed and often dead or just not working anymore.
Hope the SSA funds come up sooner rather than later.
Early morning cable tv (MSNBC) is all Republican I imagine to woo the office workers,Wall St folk,etc. Right now they are interviewing the creepy Dr Mr Bill Frist from somewhere in the South, Tennessee? Well he was on pushing his latest,potable water, thing. Sadly I imagine that if he and Brad Paisley are involved their efforts will be water for cash. Well let me not say that since Brad Paisley is a young country western artist. I was thinking of a paisley from S Africa or Ireland or somewhere else from history who was a screaming racist who tried to stop the flow of history-vague as I can be here obviously showing my age TEHEHEHEHE! I had never even heard of Brad Paisley and the music people that I know are white headed and often dead or just not working anymore.
Hope the SSA funds come up sooner rather than later.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
03/20/2010
Progressed chart: looks so much like my natal chart although the writing ia ao obvious these days: cannot figure out how to copy the chart and post it here. Cancer rising 1st degree Sag Moon 3 degree Leo Sun, Jupiter trine Mercury.
Reminds me of writing about housekeeping and love of cooking and really getting my consciousness of self out into the world and accepting that this self is small and insignificant,a peasant.
I loved my years journying with Jung and Miller and Nin and the childish dreams of getting educated and moving into some type of professional position as a therapist or a social worker.
Reminds me of writing about housekeeping and love of cooking and really getting my consciousness of self out into the world and accepting that this self is small and insignificant,a peasant.
I loved my years journying with Jung and Miller and Nin and the childish dreams of getting educated and moving into some type of professional position as a therapist or a social worker.
3/20/2010
Saturn in Libra probably my favorite season-comes every 29 years or so and flatters and informs my Gemini. My mother was Saturn in Libra and Kimn is Saturn in Libra,
This time I notice the support to my second house Gemini-almost poverty at this point trouble paying rent and buying food and paying utilities. Utilities are high because I have washer and dryer now but my life would be impossible is I didn't and the money would be spent at the laundry anyway.
I am at the point of looking at ways to save money on domestic things small change but it adds up (jeez!! as soon as I said small change I heard Tom singing/saying "small change got rained on with his own 38")and could make the difference between supper and no supper.
I will make my own laundry soap with a recipe a friend over the internet sent me-after some start-up costs the cost of Fels Neptha, washing soda, borax I am off to the races and can make five gallons of the soap quickly well in a morning and then will have it for quite sometime.
I starated using Dr Bronner's soap in place of bathroom cleaners. This came about when I realized that the sore on Bebe's little mouth must be coming from her insistence on drinking from the toilet (clean only). I don't know how I made that connection but there it was and then after all these years of NOT using the wonderful hippie soap because of the expense I realized that I should be diluting the soap by many times and I made up a bottle of diluted rose scented Dr Bonner's and I have been using that to clean the bathroom and, happiness!!Bebe's sore is gone. Dr. Bronner's is
VERY inexpensive if diluted properly. I also use the same solution for bathing and shampooing. The soap can feel a little sticky on my hair but I use a rinse of a couple of spoons of vinegar and the sticky is gone.
My thing now is to make homemade cat food. I did this once before when we were living on Oregon St and that experiment ended in a mess of heroic proportions what with ground up raw liver,supplements,etc. Everyone including cats were grateful when I gave up. Well now I have come upon recipes using chicken (whole) and fish and mild supplements and perhaps I can find the way to make cat food less expensive than commercial brands. I refuse to feed cats the food that gave Baby Jane cancer and gave her so much suffering before we "put her down".
The makers of commercial cat food say that they no longer use that additive and the Chinese government even killed some poor Chinaman but still now there is news of CVC(spg??)protein supplement that is deadly as well. For the family I cook home slow naturally because I am old and I was taught by my Depression WW II surviving elders how to cook and plan and even garden which I am just now beginning to try. I am not so worried about ;chemicals in our diet but my grandchildren eat a lot of crap for which i blame their mother, my daughter who is lazy and doesn't like to take care or make an effort. OOHH! that is mean I guess but I have been horrified that she would rather stay on welfare than stretch and grow and learn new things. She,I know,prefers the commercial food that I would not allow in our home but which her peers were eating.
Now,of course, the TV is full of the "news" that our children are deeply unhealthy and fat or rather the children of the working people,the children who spend their early lives in childcare with ruthless schedules. The children of the higher classes are healthy, thin and well educated but our children, the children who were the "salt of the earth" in my parents generation and even mine, are now burdened with ill health and broken families from their earliest years. I wonder if creeps like our native billionaires even had an idea of how quickly their factory sweeteners,their factory proteins,etc would clear out the over population problem?? We wonder what changed the Romans so quickly some suspect lead poisoning from their plumbing. I wonder if our descendants will wonder about our rapid turn around from seven plus billion to roughly one billion? Will it be from our sickening,literally sickening foodstuffs?
I find it so sad that when people are "discovered" they are in radiant good health with wonderful teeth and strong bones and wonderful muscles and beautiful sexuality and perfect height weight ratios and good manners,etc and in one generation they are destroyed. I am not romantic here I know that people are vulnerable to infection and broken bones and the culture that worked for millinia will not get them through school in these times and on and on but I do know that trying to feed people in Utah on food made in New Jeresy is deadly. I do know that raising babies to schedules that wear out their parents, with one parent nuclear families is destroying our children and our families. We will be undone by our own weight as it were (n have no idea what that really means but I always like it.).
This time I notice the support to my second house Gemini-almost poverty at this point trouble paying rent and buying food and paying utilities. Utilities are high because I have washer and dryer now but my life would be impossible is I didn't and the money would be spent at the laundry anyway.
I am at the point of looking at ways to save money on domestic things small change but it adds up (jeez!! as soon as I said small change I heard Tom singing/saying "small change got rained on with his own 38")and could make the difference between supper and no supper.
I will make my own laundry soap with a recipe a friend over the internet sent me-after some start-up costs the cost of Fels Neptha, washing soda, borax I am off to the races and can make five gallons of the soap quickly well in a morning and then will have it for quite sometime.
I starated using Dr Bronner's soap in place of bathroom cleaners. This came about when I realized that the sore on Bebe's little mouth must be coming from her insistence on drinking from the toilet (clean only). I don't know how I made that connection but there it was and then after all these years of NOT using the wonderful hippie soap because of the expense I realized that I should be diluting the soap by many times and I made up a bottle of diluted rose scented Dr Bonner's and I have been using that to clean the bathroom and, happiness!!Bebe's sore is gone. Dr. Bronner's is
VERY inexpensive if diluted properly. I also use the same solution for bathing and shampooing. The soap can feel a little sticky on my hair but I use a rinse of a couple of spoons of vinegar and the sticky is gone.
My thing now is to make homemade cat food. I did this once before when we were living on Oregon St and that experiment ended in a mess of heroic proportions what with ground up raw liver,supplements,etc. Everyone including cats were grateful when I gave up. Well now I have come upon recipes using chicken (whole) and fish and mild supplements and perhaps I can find the way to make cat food less expensive than commercial brands. I refuse to feed cats the food that gave Baby Jane cancer and gave her so much suffering before we "put her down".
The makers of commercial cat food say that they no longer use that additive and the Chinese government even killed some poor Chinaman but still now there is news of CVC(spg??)protein supplement that is deadly as well. For the family I cook home slow naturally because I am old and I was taught by my Depression WW II surviving elders how to cook and plan and even garden which I am just now beginning to try. I am not so worried about ;chemicals in our diet but my grandchildren eat a lot of crap for which i blame their mother, my daughter who is lazy and doesn't like to take care or make an effort. OOHH! that is mean I guess but I have been horrified that she would rather stay on welfare than stretch and grow and learn new things. She,I know,prefers the commercial food that I would not allow in our home but which her peers were eating.
Now,of course, the TV is full of the "news" that our children are deeply unhealthy and fat or rather the children of the working people,the children who spend their early lives in childcare with ruthless schedules. The children of the higher classes are healthy, thin and well educated but our children, the children who were the "salt of the earth" in my parents generation and even mine, are now burdened with ill health and broken families from their earliest years. I wonder if creeps like our native billionaires even had an idea of how quickly their factory sweeteners,their factory proteins,etc would clear out the over population problem?? We wonder what changed the Romans so quickly some suspect lead poisoning from their plumbing. I wonder if our descendants will wonder about our rapid turn around from seven plus billion to roughly one billion? Will it be from our sickening,literally sickening foodstuffs?
I find it so sad that when people are "discovered" they are in radiant good health with wonderful teeth and strong bones and wonderful muscles and beautiful sexuality and perfect height weight ratios and good manners,etc and in one generation they are destroyed. I am not romantic here I know that people are vulnerable to infection and broken bones and the culture that worked for millinia will not get them through school in these times and on and on but I do know that trying to feed people in Utah on food made in New Jeresy is deadly. I do know that raising babies to schedules that wear out their parents, with one parent nuclear families is destroying our children and our families. We will be undone by our own weight as it were (n have no idea what that really means but I always like it.).
Friday, March 19, 2010
3/19/2010
Still do not have the cash or credit to get the power needed for the new monitor so only have Steve's wonderful power book (refurbished, bought with student money at the beginning of the semester for $500 after his I Book was killed when one of our cats knocked over a huge glass of iced tea and drowned it. Blessedly we had a dollar just at that moment.)which is eating into my writing time and really eats into the jumping up to document some inspiration or outrage but so it is.
Right now we are so broke that my daughter,much more broke than we are is providing food to get us through the weekend. Yep!! that is the case. Also called left a message with the landlord that I will have a $900 check on Monday and the other $200 will have to wait until the 30th and this is for March.
We are promised a check for Steve's 12/2009 earnings. Looks like the state is starting to pay closer to timely but with always whittling away at the amount agreed upon. This time deducting from the grand total of $640 to something around $550. Creepy the way Schwarzenegger has been so careful to pinch only the lowly,the poor, the needy. This governor and his helpers such as Pete Wilson that mean, little man doing all that they can to prove that government cannot be trusted.
W@atching 24 which I watched only in the beginning and once I recognized the propaganda for what it is I never watched again but I grew curious. Still propaganda,disgusting. I think that screeching Cheney girl,Liz (?)should be hired to read a breathless commentary.
I love NCIS even though that too si about torture and snipers,etc but in that show there is the occasional aside to keep us grounded in a moral universe and there is a development of interesting beautiful people. 24 is pure cliche as one would expect from those locked into their third chakra-all ambition and desire for more,more,more.
I once had an experience when meditating: I was resting after having done a chakra cleanse when someone was in the room with me. Someone said Clymela look!! I turned my head to the right and there was a handsome ,young man dressed in ancient style or Mid-Eastern style. ;He had a deep red robe and a cream colored gown. He was pointing to his belt which had a huge,gold circle pendant and this was enclosed by some type of black binding. He kept pointing at the "belt" saying look,look,look!! I never have understood what he was pointing at. At that time I was concerned with my lazy 1st and 2nd chakras and my over developed 6th and 7th and corded 5th. In other words I was not grounded enough and I was unable to speak my mind. This was just after the break-up with Roland and I had Naomi for supervisor, my daughter was using crack cocaine and I was just as broke as I am now although I sure didn't have Steve in my life.
I have eaten so much shit from others for being broke all the time for asking for cash when things were awful. Thankfully now with Steve I realize how much I have done for others, how large is my extended family,how I picked up stakes and went to help my mother during my father's last illness because my mother asked me to and on and on. With Steve I see myself in kinder light and consequently I am more grounded of course age helps too.
Right now we are so broke that my daughter,much more broke than we are is providing food to get us through the weekend. Yep!! that is the case. Also called left a message with the landlord that I will have a $900 check on Monday and the other $200 will have to wait until the 30th and this is for March.
We are promised a check for Steve's 12/2009 earnings. Looks like the state is starting to pay closer to timely but with always whittling away at the amount agreed upon. This time deducting from the grand total of $640 to something around $550. Creepy the way Schwarzenegger has been so careful to pinch only the lowly,the poor, the needy. This governor and his helpers such as Pete Wilson that mean, little man doing all that they can to prove that government cannot be trusted.
W@atching 24 which I watched only in the beginning and once I recognized the propaganda for what it is I never watched again but I grew curious. Still propaganda,disgusting. I think that screeching Cheney girl,Liz (?)should be hired to read a breathless commentary.
I love NCIS even though that too si about torture and snipers,etc but in that show there is the occasional aside to keep us grounded in a moral universe and there is a development of interesting beautiful people. 24 is pure cliche as one would expect from those locked into their third chakra-all ambition and desire for more,more,more.
I once had an experience when meditating: I was resting after having done a chakra cleanse when someone was in the room with me. Someone said Clymela look!! I turned my head to the right and there was a handsome ,young man dressed in ancient style or Mid-Eastern style. ;He had a deep red robe and a cream colored gown. He was pointing to his belt which had a huge,gold circle pendant and this was enclosed by some type of black binding. He kept pointing at the "belt" saying look,look,look!! I never have understood what he was pointing at. At that time I was concerned with my lazy 1st and 2nd chakras and my over developed 6th and 7th and corded 5th. In other words I was not grounded enough and I was unable to speak my mind. This was just after the break-up with Roland and I had Naomi for supervisor, my daughter was using crack cocaine and I was just as broke as I am now although I sure didn't have Steve in my life.
I have eaten so much shit from others for being broke all the time for asking for cash when things were awful. Thankfully now with Steve I realize how much I have done for others, how large is my extended family,how I picked up stakes and went to help my mother during my father's last illness because my mother asked me to and on and on. With Steve I see myself in kinder light and consequently I am more grounded of course age helps too.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
3/17/2010
St Patrick's day and I will soon be cooking corned beef and cabbage and potatoes and soda bread or maybe sweet wheat bread since Steve doesn't like raisins.
Courtney moved upstairs but I still cook for them or at least include them in dinner and they do the washing here. Arvin and Amy live in Berkeley although Arvin comes over here on most weekends.
Sweet wheat bread is sort of biscuit dough with brown sugar and moalsses and it is cooked in a 9x5 pan. I remember how disappointed I was when I learned that soda bread was simply a modified big biscuit.
I am interested to hear that Dennis Kucinich will vote with the Dems on the "healthcare bill". Wonder what was said on the plane trip with the President and Kucinich and his wife. I love Kucinich with his serious consideration of progressive issues and his persistence: he is comfort for all of us nerds or those of us who have felt rejected enough to feel like nerds.
I am angry these days with politics, with what is passing and not passing what is said and not said. I am so disappointed in Obama. I suspect that he is really Republican down deep at least he seems to have little interest in working people,in progressives.
I am so disappointed that no one,no one will talk the progressive line. This seems to be the "year" of little dribbling chickens scurrying around running from the big bad chicken hawk.
I must be getting old-I am just as disappointed with television right now. Wish I could go lay down and watch a Rockford rerun or Hawaii-5 or that Hawaii program that Tom Selleck. I long for some decent escapism but the current cultural weather doesn't offer much.
Courtney moved upstairs but I still cook for them or at least include them in dinner and they do the washing here. Arvin and Amy live in Berkeley although Arvin comes over here on most weekends.
Sweet wheat bread is sort of biscuit dough with brown sugar and moalsses and it is cooked in a 9x5 pan. I remember how disappointed I was when I learned that soda bread was simply a modified big biscuit.
I am interested to hear that Dennis Kucinich will vote with the Dems on the "healthcare bill". Wonder what was said on the plane trip with the President and Kucinich and his wife. I love Kucinich with his serious consideration of progressive issues and his persistence: he is comfort for all of us nerds or those of us who have felt rejected enough to feel like nerds.
I am angry these days with politics, with what is passing and not passing what is said and not said. I am so disappointed in Obama. I suspect that he is really Republican down deep at least he seems to have little interest in working people,in progressives.
I am so disappointed that no one,no one will talk the progressive line. This seems to be the "year" of little dribbling chickens scurrying around running from the big bad chicken hawk.
I must be getting old-I am just as disappointed with television right now. Wish I could go lay down and watch a Rockford rerun or Hawaii-5 or that Hawaii program that Tom Selleck. I long for some decent escapism but the current cultural weather doesn't offer much.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Sunday 03/14/2010
whew!! What a mess. I am depressed today!! Money is thin once more and the "boys" have entered sexual maturity early, they are only seven months, and "marked" our blankets and mattress. Steve scurried out to get some wet food to replace the dry food in case one of them is having urinary tract problems. Won't know for a couple of days the actual width of this problem but god it has been years since I lived with the scent of cat urine, the strong kind from males. I have had females and no the only female I ever had a problem with that way was the notorious Anna who lived to be twenty one and who would not shut up and who shat upon my pillow,right in the center,when I moved us from Oakland to Marin. I had gone out dancing that evening and when I returned there was my present from the ever smart,wise and powerful Anna who knew that I had made a mistake.
I ran away from my beloved Harwood St because me best friend had a problem with the landlady and had to move and every time that my friend came over the landlady went crazy and I didn't know what to do because another friend's offer to live with her in San Anselmo-what a mistake. I tried to return to school and was so shocked and disoriented and such a mess due to alcohol and poverty and immaturity and regret that I failed which is so sad but over now for years. AND....the smell of cat piss brings this all up-whew.
I am amazed that in the state of Texas they have a man in charge of school books who believes that the earth is ten thousand years old and who is deleting mention of Thomas Jefferson because Jefferson wrote in the idea of separation of church and state.This is so outrageous and I wrote about this over on Starlight and got roasted for denigrating all of Texas and everyone who lives there which I specifically did not do and now I am just leaving Starlight behind-F--k the snooty boougie girls. I grow weary of the little minded, prattling women who idol worship Nancy and are not even astrologers. I will continue to talk with Pat C. who admits that she has also been attacked and hurt and so has turned to gardening,etc to achieve a greater balance.
I recall giving an astrology calss for the same type of woman who complained about the amount of reading,etc required to achieve a beginners level understanding. I was surprised by that wondering what they thought would be required to become fluent in an entire discipline. I also gave up on that preferring to make my living seperate from that world.
More later I pray.
I ran away from my beloved Harwood St because me best friend had a problem with the landlady and had to move and every time that my friend came over the landlady went crazy and I didn't know what to do because another friend's offer to live with her in San Anselmo-what a mistake. I tried to return to school and was so shocked and disoriented and such a mess due to alcohol and poverty and immaturity and regret that I failed which is so sad but over now for years. AND....the smell of cat piss brings this all up-whew.
I am amazed that in the state of Texas they have a man in charge of school books who believes that the earth is ten thousand years old and who is deleting mention of Thomas Jefferson because Jefferson wrote in the idea of separation of church and state.This is so outrageous and I wrote about this over on Starlight and got roasted for denigrating all of Texas and everyone who lives there which I specifically did not do and now I am just leaving Starlight behind-F--k the snooty boougie girls. I grow weary of the little minded, prattling women who idol worship Nancy and are not even astrologers. I will continue to talk with Pat C. who admits that she has also been attacked and hurt and so has turned to gardening,etc to achieve a greater balance.
I recall giving an astrology calss for the same type of woman who complained about the amount of reading,etc required to achieve a beginners level understanding. I was surprised by that wondering what they thought would be required to become fluent in an entire discipline. I also gave up on that preferring to make my living seperate from that world.
More later I pray.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
3/10/10
Happy Birthday Pamela.
Yesterday I heard the most amazing conversation regarding the return of the Black Madonna. I didn't realize that there was a collective movement but She showed up in my life when I was in my twenties still.
One evening I was doing some "active imagination" work and suddenly a naked wild woman showed up accompanied by a huge,big bellied guy with an elephant head. I was terrified that I was breaking out in psychosis even though She assured me that I was not losing my mind but was in fact beginning the healing process.
The elephant man moved to massage my vulva and entire 1st and 2nd chakra region which also terrified me. I feared that my experience of molestation and even rape and the condemnation that came when I tried to talk about what had happened to me and unbeknown to me the rejection from my mother when I too turned up pregnant. At that time I had no idea that this had happened to my mother when she was 20-that was the dark secret of pain and remorse and regret and limitation coming from my mother that I did not understand. No I sinply "got it" and gave up early and this ended by long wandering journey with me pregnant at age 15 feeling that I had been hunted down by the boyfriend who was the father of the baby.
At any rate here I was on my little divan after my little girl was asleep and my black and white cat was resting and I was relaxing into a meditative state and these creatures showed up telling me that they loved me and that they had come to "heal" me. I was so terrified that I yelled at them. They were surprised but agreed immediately to leave-they also expressed their desire to help and initiate my healing.
This was the first "visit". During my late twenties and early 30's I came to know this "Mother" through more "active imagination" I traveled through the countryside in my imagination to get to Her. She lived at that time in a red rock cave, really a compound. I loved to go there and talk to her about my issues and to rest in a quiet alcove carved out over the centuries. I was always aware of life going on around us but it was always one on one with Her and I.
I wonder if I am being pretentious in capitalizing Her Mother, etc.but I just want to tell everyone what I have seen and accepted and yesterday listening to Matthew Fox regarding the Black Madonna I felt that I was electrified. I have over the years in maturity settled down in love with Our Lady of Guadalupe who Fox called the Brown Madonna.
One Sunday, during my mid-thirties I wanted to quit smoking and was having such a hard time and I prayed and She showed up where I was sitting behind Shakespere & Co on Dwight (oh!! dear reader I am describing an active imagination)feeling defeated because all of my peers whom I admired and who had been to my house to eat,etc had rejected me and were shunning me. She came by and was just outraged that I was suffering so and demanded in her kind way that I stand up and look at her and do what she showed me to do. She inhaled deeply and then exhaled deeply right into my face and asked that I repeat this and we did this on and on. She also said out loud that "they" should never have done this to me.
The outcome of this meeting was that I stopped smoking for a year AND I kept quiet about what I had seen and experienced-never mentioning this encounter for years and even when I did no one in my circle understood.
There is more and I will write this out over the coming weeks but right now I want to say that I joined the Roman Catholics in order to officially come closer to social acceptance in my devotion to Our Lady. Even there I encountered the deep social cleavage-I was hurt by it and I once hurt someone else publicly with it. I eventually left the church over the social slights and the confusion that arose in my mind such as when it was time to clean the church in preparation for Easter. We were invited to come clean and to bring food to share. Well I was so excited for the opportunity to mingle and share work (Neptune in the 6th house retrograde)and when I got there I saw that only the Spanish speaking people came to clean and share food. Where were all the wealthy, showy English as the first language folk? I was shaken and confused. My experience prepared me to share EVERYTHING to walk across social, cultural differences but obviously that didn't appear to be important in the Church,etc. Then came the new Pope and I was out of there taking my Sacred Heart and Our Lady of Guadalupe statues with me.
The Sunday that the new priest at St Joseph the Worker said in the Sunday bulletin that all gay,lesbian,trans-gender Catholics should now go to Mass in the church on College where they would feel more "comfortable" I knew that "It" was over for me.
I have tried to return to the church because I love the Mass and the candles-the rituals but I can't now with the new condemnation from Rome and then from the uptight priest at St Joseph the Worker. My Mother is about LOVE and acceptance. There is no room for the things that hurt us when She is present and this includes license to act out every excess and also inhibitions that would keep us from the deepest longings of our human hearts. HMM I need an editor here I think. I am trying to say that neither license nor inhibition is required in Her Presence-the urge is to Wholeness, to Fullness could never be perfection-perfection is in the mind not in the world.
Yesterday I heard the most amazing conversation regarding the return of the Black Madonna. I didn't realize that there was a collective movement but She showed up in my life when I was in my twenties still.
One evening I was doing some "active imagination" work and suddenly a naked wild woman showed up accompanied by a huge,big bellied guy with an elephant head. I was terrified that I was breaking out in psychosis even though She assured me that I was not losing my mind but was in fact beginning the healing process.
The elephant man moved to massage my vulva and entire 1st and 2nd chakra region which also terrified me. I feared that my experience of molestation and even rape and the condemnation that came when I tried to talk about what had happened to me and unbeknown to me the rejection from my mother when I too turned up pregnant. At that time I had no idea that this had happened to my mother when she was 20-that was the dark secret of pain and remorse and regret and limitation coming from my mother that I did not understand. No I sinply "got it" and gave up early and this ended by long wandering journey with me pregnant at age 15 feeling that I had been hunted down by the boyfriend who was the father of the baby.
At any rate here I was on my little divan after my little girl was asleep and my black and white cat was resting and I was relaxing into a meditative state and these creatures showed up telling me that they loved me and that they had come to "heal" me. I was so terrified that I yelled at them. They were surprised but agreed immediately to leave-they also expressed their desire to help and initiate my healing.
This was the first "visit". During my late twenties and early 30's I came to know this "Mother" through more "active imagination" I traveled through the countryside in my imagination to get to Her. She lived at that time in a red rock cave, really a compound. I loved to go there and talk to her about my issues and to rest in a quiet alcove carved out over the centuries. I was always aware of life going on around us but it was always one on one with Her and I.
I wonder if I am being pretentious in capitalizing Her Mother, etc.but I just want to tell everyone what I have seen and accepted and yesterday listening to Matthew Fox regarding the Black Madonna I felt that I was electrified. I have over the years in maturity settled down in love with Our Lady of Guadalupe who Fox called the Brown Madonna.
One Sunday, during my mid-thirties I wanted to quit smoking and was having such a hard time and I prayed and She showed up where I was sitting behind Shakespere & Co on Dwight (oh!! dear reader I am describing an active imagination)feeling defeated because all of my peers whom I admired and who had been to my house to eat,etc had rejected me and were shunning me. She came by and was just outraged that I was suffering so and demanded in her kind way that I stand up and look at her and do what she showed me to do. She inhaled deeply and then exhaled deeply right into my face and asked that I repeat this and we did this on and on. She also said out loud that "they" should never have done this to me.
The outcome of this meeting was that I stopped smoking for a year AND I kept quiet about what I had seen and experienced-never mentioning this encounter for years and even when I did no one in my circle understood.
There is more and I will write this out over the coming weeks but right now I want to say that I joined the Roman Catholics in order to officially come closer to social acceptance in my devotion to Our Lady. Even there I encountered the deep social cleavage-I was hurt by it and I once hurt someone else publicly with it. I eventually left the church over the social slights and the confusion that arose in my mind such as when it was time to clean the church in preparation for Easter. We were invited to come clean and to bring food to share. Well I was so excited for the opportunity to mingle and share work (Neptune in the 6th house retrograde)and when I got there I saw that only the Spanish speaking people came to clean and share food. Where were all the wealthy, showy English as the first language folk? I was shaken and confused. My experience prepared me to share EVERYTHING to walk across social, cultural differences but obviously that didn't appear to be important in the Church,etc. Then came the new Pope and I was out of there taking my Sacred Heart and Our Lady of Guadalupe statues with me.
The Sunday that the new priest at St Joseph the Worker said in the Sunday bulletin that all gay,lesbian,trans-gender Catholics should now go to Mass in the church on College where they would feel more "comfortable" I knew that "It" was over for me.
I have tried to return to the church because I love the Mass and the candles-the rituals but I can't now with the new condemnation from Rome and then from the uptight priest at St Joseph the Worker. My Mother is about LOVE and acceptance. There is no room for the things that hurt us when She is present and this includes license to act out every excess and also inhibitions that would keep us from the deepest longings of our human hearts. HMM I need an editor here I think. I am trying to say that neither license nor inhibition is required in Her Presence-the urge is to Wholeness, to Fullness could never be perfection-perfection is in the mind not in the world.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
03/05/2010
What an incredible week-so much activity,so much emotional engagement.
I became aware this past week that I have come to understand that I have retired, that I am in the midst of a major life transition. I first noticed this when I was in one of the offices that I worked in for years and then saw a woman I had known for years-I felt such emptiness and I realized that I loved being Miss Stewart/Box. I loved having a social-working identity that because of my one-up position gave me a feeling of
confidence that I had never had before I had that job. I was afraid for a day or two wondering what I would do now-no going back and no starting over.
What happened yesterday: I was sitting here condemning myself for Lisa and Shawn, for the aborted marriages, for the estrangement from my parents. This is a ritual that i practice daily in some form and yesterday while in the middle of this ritual I had a new thought!! "Stop judging yourself for decisions you made earlier with the consciousness you have now!! You did the best you could then and you did not know what you know now!!" I saw so clearly how judging my past by today's consciousness is so cruel to me and is truly a sin against life. I saw/felt this so deeply that I remind myself to move out of the cave whenever I find myself back in that bat cave. I know that I will be different from this point-there is a logic and mercy in this thought that I have not known to this point. The logic is so clear and I understand why it is a sin against life to continue condemning the young girl/woman that I was from this point-it hurts me to stay in these memories and it keeps me from living now because I am frozen in horror of what "I" did-where is this "I"who acts and who judges?
I think that the love I feel for and from this litter of kittens is involved in this. I love these little beings and they seem to be love itself. This is so wonderful for me and for Steve and for Buffy. We love to watch them and to play with them. I know that my feeling "heart" is so much lighter because of the feelings I have for the little kittens.
I became aware this past week that I have come to understand that I have retired, that I am in the midst of a major life transition. I first noticed this when I was in one of the offices that I worked in for years and then saw a woman I had known for years-I felt such emptiness and I realized that I loved being Miss Stewart/Box. I loved having a social-working identity that because of my one-up position gave me a feeling of
confidence that I had never had before I had that job. I was afraid for a day or two wondering what I would do now-no going back and no starting over.
What happened yesterday: I was sitting here condemning myself for Lisa and Shawn, for the aborted marriages, for the estrangement from my parents. This is a ritual that i practice daily in some form and yesterday while in the middle of this ritual I had a new thought!! "Stop judging yourself for decisions you made earlier with the consciousness you have now!! You did the best you could then and you did not know what you know now!!" I saw so clearly how judging my past by today's consciousness is so cruel to me and is truly a sin against life. I saw/felt this so deeply that I remind myself to move out of the cave whenever I find myself back in that bat cave. I know that I will be different from this point-there is a logic and mercy in this thought that I have not known to this point. The logic is so clear and I understand why it is a sin against life to continue condemning the young girl/woman that I was from this point-it hurts me to stay in these memories and it keeps me from living now because I am frozen in horror of what "I" did-where is this "I"who acts and who judges?
I think that the love I feel for and from this litter of kittens is involved in this. I love these little beings and they seem to be love itself. This is so wonderful for me and for Steve and for Buffy. We love to watch them and to play with them. I know that my feeling "heart" is so much lighter because of the feelings I have for the little kittens.
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
03/02/2010
Weird day. Took little Princess to the Vet for sterilization-there was rain and gray all over the place and we had to pay up front but I could only pay $100 of the $187+. the rest will be due tomorrow when I pick her up- I wanted to pay by check but they have a rule: no check for first visit. I understand but if I could have paid by check it would have passed because I would have money in there by the time the check was presented.
The gd was washing and heard a weird sound, the sound of an entire load of water pouring onto the kitchen floor. the drain hose had been knocked loose and the water was gushing out onto the floor.
The gd was washing and heard a weird sound, the sound of an entire load of water pouring onto the kitchen floor. the drain hose had been knocked loose and the water was gushing out onto the floor.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
