What an incredible week-so much activity,so much emotional engagement.
I became aware this past week that I have come to understand that I have retired, that I am in the midst of a major life transition. I first noticed this when I was in one of the offices that I worked in for years and then saw a woman I had known for years-I felt such emptiness and I realized that I loved being Miss Stewart/Box. I loved having a social-working identity that because of my one-up position gave me a feeling of
confidence that I had never had before I had that job. I was afraid for a day or two wondering what I would do now-no going back and no starting over.
What happened yesterday: I was sitting here condemning myself for Lisa and Shawn, for the aborted marriages, for the estrangement from my parents. This is a ritual that i practice daily in some form and yesterday while in the middle of this ritual I had a new thought!! "Stop judging yourself for decisions you made earlier with the consciousness you have now!! You did the best you could then and you did not know what you know now!!" I saw so clearly how judging my past by today's consciousness is so cruel to me and is truly a sin against life. I saw/felt this so deeply that I remind myself to move out of the cave whenever I find myself back in that bat cave. I know that I will be different from this point-there is a logic and mercy in this thought that I have not known to this point. The logic is so clear and I understand why it is a sin against life to continue condemning the young girl/woman that I was from this point-it hurts me to stay in these memories and it keeps me from living now because I am frozen in horror of what "I" did-where is this "I"who acts and who judges?
I think that the love I feel for and from this litter of kittens is involved in this. I love these little beings and they seem to be love itself. This is so wonderful for me and for Steve and for Buffy. We love to watch them and to play with them. I know that my feeling "heart" is so much lighter because of the feelings I have for the little kittens.
About Me
- Singing Sparrow
- I almost always write in the early morning. I am an aging hippie living with my husband lover, my adult daughter,my almost adult granddaughter looking for her first full time job and my almost teenage grandson and my sister who is 11 months the younger. As the world prepares for a righteous struggle for individual independence and the correcting of the power of corporations to tell how, where and even when to live i seek the lower level where gardens grow and children learn. +++
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