Hven't been here for days. Busy around the house and with going to Kaiser and with getting meds that others have said are killing me but they do manage to keep my heartbeat under control adn do seem to keep me under control as well.
Saw my doctor who was very involved in my Vicodin intake and we have an agreement that I will use three a day however that was not what I went in for: I was ill and my family was worried-I was obviously ill unable to carry on with pain in my back and a low fever. Well when I get to the doctor my vitals are beautiful BP 67/120 and pulse at 77 and body temp low 97+ so the 0D goes all corporate and starts Kaiser's latest trend on me with the lecture about using too much Vicodin and again suggesting. ,again, that I try the other long acting drug which was involved with Lisa's addiction( I forget the name but it is the drug that Limbaugh got caught hoarding. Bizarre little meeting. I am not arguing about the Vicodin and agree that I am using too much because when I use the pain pills I have energy and do not feel pain and therefore get things done. My good doctor also said that the problem with the plan she is laying out for me tends to make things worse because "patients"continue to use the Vicodin and end up using both narcotics. Well I again turned down the offer of the other narcotic even if it wouldn't get me high.
I turned down the hydocodin (?) and agreed to use only 3 Vicodin daily. I used Advil.etc. because those drugs got rid of the pain of serious knee problems which I still have. I loved Vioxx, loved it and would never have chosen Vicodin over Vioxx but guess what?? Vioxx caused people to fall down dead from heart issues.
Well I had a very weird Dr. visit aand still haven't been able to say to my DR."I
get VERY tired doing things that I used to do and "used to do" refers to months ago"and I was sick so sick that my family was worried about me. Instead I got this lecture on Vicodin because the FEDS are crazy on this subject and a man from Walnut Creek has a new program to help practitioners identify those with problems-he wants to make money and knows how to talk to corporations and get the head guys all excited.
As we have lived with all through this "War On Drugs"there is money to be made and these folks don't want to consider that we are different now=when I was little and the dentist was drilling on a cavity I had to bite on a block of wood rather than get novacaine. Well that reality is over now and now we use drugs and we like them and they make reality so that we can continue living with energy and looking young. I imagine that I am not a good spokeswoman for this reality because I have been a pot smoker for over forty years which makes me a hardened criminal I imagine and I have the scandalous history and even had a period in the 80's when I used cocaine in an immodest and destructive way although I will say that once I understood that Amy's father would not let her come home that summer I quit using the cocaine on the spot and chose to support my daughter who mostly hates me to this day for our poverty and bleakness. I will say that I was tired after making our living and trying to love her and support her but good god in heaven here she was in Oakland with no money after being on Maui and excelling at paddling and finally getting her academics together. Sher had some very good skills picked up from her father-working for what we want and watching how much we eat but Gerald's rejection broke her heart and she ended up on crack because I believe I was naive and thought that she was hanging out with a nice leftie boyfriend who was a little older than she was
You know what? I just don't want to go over all of this forever-I want to put this behind me and let new things in. Amy is 40 now she can take over with her life. As Joyce said once "you are the most,worst mother ever". Why would I stay there? Now I like to cook and garden and take care of the cats. I like to read and clean house and go for short trips and seek out streams with moss and ferns and bushes of berries. I am weary of going over my failures and I have consequently shut out most of those who knew me in my 20's-I failed them but as they say on the streets these folks were "not paying my rent" nor were they even in town
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