3/10/10

Happy Birthday Pamela.
Yesterday I heard the most amazing conversation regarding the return of the Black Madonna. I didn't realize that there was a collective movement but She showed up in my life when I was in my twenties still.
One evening I was doing some "active imagination" work and suddenly a naked wild woman showed up accompanied by a huge,big bellied guy with an elephant head. I was terrified that I was breaking out in psychosis even though She assured me that I was not losing my mind but was in fact beginning the healing process.
The elephant man moved to massage my vulva and entire 1st and 2nd chakra region which also terrified me. I feared that my experience of molestation and even rape and the condemnation that came when I tried to talk about what had happened to me and unbeknown to me the rejection from my mother when I too turned up pregnant. At that time I had no idea that this had happened to my mother when she was 20-that was the dark secret of pain and remorse and regret and limitation coming from my mother that I did not understand. No I sinply "got it" and gave up early and this ended by long wandering journey with me pregnant at age 15 feeling that I had been hunted down by the boyfriend who was the father of the baby.
At any rate here I was on my little divan after my little girl was asleep and my black and white cat was resting and I was relaxing into a meditative state and these creatures showed up telling me that they loved me and that they had come to "heal" me. I was so terrified that I yelled at them. They were surprised but agreed immediately to leave-they also expressed their desire to help and initiate my healing.
This was the first "visit". During my late twenties and early 30's I came to know this "Mother" through more "active imagination" I traveled through the countryside in my imagination to get to Her. She lived at that time in a red rock cave, really a compound. I loved to go there and talk to her about my issues and to rest in a quiet alcove carved out over the centuries. I was always aware of life going on around us but it was always one on one with Her and I.
I wonder if I am being pretentious in capitalizing Her Mother, etc.but I just want to tell everyone what I have seen and accepted and yesterday listening to Matthew Fox regarding the Black Madonna I felt that I was electrified. I have over the years in maturity settled down in love with Our Lady of Guadalupe who Fox called the Brown Madonna.
One Sunday, during my mid-thirties I wanted to quit smoking and was having such a hard time and I prayed and She showed up where I was sitting behind Shakespere & Co on Dwight (oh!! dear reader I am describing an active imagination)feeling defeated because all of my peers whom I admired and who had been to my house to eat,etc had rejected me and were shunning me. She came by and was just outraged that I was suffering so and demanded in her kind way that I stand up and look at her and do what she showed me to do. She inhaled deeply and then exhaled deeply right into my face and asked that I repeat this and we did this on and on. She also said out loud that "they" should never have done this to me.
The outcome of this meeting was that I stopped smoking for a year AND I kept quiet about what I had seen and experienced-never mentioning this encounter for years and even when I did no one in my circle understood.
There is more and I will write this out over the coming weeks but right now I want to say that I joined the Roman Catholics in order to officially come closer to social acceptance in my devotion to Our Lady. Even there I encountered the deep social cleavage-I was hurt by it and I once hurt someone else publicly with it. I eventually left the church over the social slights and the confusion that arose in my mind such as when it was time to clean the church in preparation for Easter. We were invited to come clean and to bring food to share. Well I was so excited for the opportunity to mingle and share work (Neptune in the 6th house retrograde)and when I got there I saw that only the Spanish speaking people came to clean and share food. Where were all the wealthy, showy English as the first language folk? I was shaken and confused. My experience prepared me to share EVERYTHING to walk across social, cultural differences but obviously that didn't appear to be important in the Church,etc. Then came the new Pope and I was out of there taking my Sacred Heart and Our Lady of Guadalupe statues with me.
The Sunday that the new priest at St Joseph the Worker said in the Sunday bulletin that all gay,lesbian,trans-gender Catholics should now go to Mass in the church on College where they would feel more "comfortable" I knew that "It" was over for me.
I have tried to return to the church because I love the Mass and the candles-the rituals but I can't now with the new condemnation from Rome and then from the uptight priest at St Joseph the Worker. My Mother is about LOVE and acceptance. There is no room for the things that hurt us when She is present and this includes license to act out every excess and also inhibitions that would keep us from the deepest longings of our human hearts. HMM I need an editor here I think. I am trying to say that neither license nor inhibition is required in Her Presence-the urge is to Wholeness, to Fullness could never be perfection-perfection is in the mind not in the world.