Family getting up as I review my posts-I am amazed by how much I have written in moments usually early in the AM when there is still the darkness of night and the family is still sleeping. The most sacred time of the day for me that time before the cooking, cleaning, leaving for the job, answering the questions from loved ones starts up.

I am actually losing weight. Back sometime ago I was released from the gnawing hunger that drove me to eat compulsively for years. I just was so hungry. what freed me was realizing that women and perhaps men who are caretakers need a larger body with which to meet the demands and to also protect their centers so that their word is respected and their power acknowledged. The importance of the mother's/caretaker's will is primary and therefore we grow large. Once I saw that I could begin working on releasing a lot of that will since everyone is grown now no longer in need of so much direction from me and also able to withstand some demands from me. The hunger is abating now and I am slimming-even though I will never be young again.
This week big talk about how old looking I am now. Took a snapshot of me on Adams St about 15 years ago and the people at work said that they would not recognize me. I wasn't expecting that but there it is now still I love getting old. Suzanne Summers was on Thom Hartman selling her book on staying young with hormone replacement and one woman called in to say that it is only the "old" women who transfer culture from one generation to the next. She went on to say that only when we are no longer busy with the mating season that we have the time to work with the young,etc. I so agree and I love this period of my life when I am once again returned to my own center nevertheless this always vain "pretty girl" took it on the chin.
Suzanne Summers said that she still loves her sex life. I still love mine much deeper and powerful than the sex of the reproductive years but not as compulsive. I guess I think that Suzanne Summers was so powerful and successful as a pretty girl that she doesn't want to walk away to the kitchen and the kitchen garden and the guiding the young ones into happiness and authority. I don't think there is anything wrong with that but I just have a different outlook.

So Baba Yaga is recognizable as the witch in Hansel and Gretel but there was always something missing in that story and I think now it is the history and the experience of huge dark woods and old women who had withdrawn form the world of boys and their wives and children and membership in community. the america i have grown up in there were no forests of note and no uncanny old women but I carried the old woman the old witch within me.

In the shower with the tv blocked out and warm water reminded of the gratitude I intuitively know and have relied n for all my life. Always knew G-D more now as mother than father no doubt that is a personality thing-my mother was kinder to me than my father although my father was truer more faithful. Nevertheless I have been drawn to WICCA,etc because of the joy of gathering with women to learn about life and creation without the hinderence of dogma,faith,belief and other people's experience. Reading Hartman's book The Prophet's Way has lit that fire in me again although I have to struggle with greed and ambition when reading the book because I want to be a prophet, to know a master anything to excuse my mistakes and prove that I am better than other's. Whee the emotional jag parading as spiritual experience. However, in the shower a different experience one of gratitude for the grace of having a home for my loved ones of being able to provide shelter while not leaving anyone with the false notion that I am providing a free ride.

Reading Thom Hartman, The Prophets Way encouragement for kindness and mercy.

Rain, Rain, Rain!!! YES YES YES we need the rain and the earth puts forth the most lovely green life. On the BART path there is a tiger striped grass that is so beautiful to me. I hope that the rain breaks for a little and we can walk over to see how that grass has grown and evolved in this heavy rain. This is a warm rain coming over from Hawaii maybe not pure southern which almost always produces floods and land slides but southern enough to bring lots of warm rain soft not much wind just rain rain rain.
House full of family and even though there have been days when we all hated each other I am so grateful they could come here. I have had the opportunity to see Amy as she is now (Aimee)-perhaps she is my true opposite Sag sun, Scorpio venus to my Gemini sun and Taurus venus but we do share the Leo moon-proud and loyal. Steve agonizing over the lagging pay from the State so that we are without cash for a couple of days. but we have food,light and a washer and dryer and a car without gas still and all we could get gas if pushed. I am glad to see Amy as she is now and learn hos she thinks and functions.
Fight Club is running right now-ugly. I have never been in love with ugly.

Whew!! the most trying week. Medical issues and issues at work and issues at home. trailed all week long by a dark, dreary, dreadful outlook that i could not shake. things worked out on the material plane but the mood lingered until we were wlking downTelegraph yesterday and this wonderful woman appearing in her 50's/60's heavier than is fashionable dressed in brown stoppe d to give a hungry man some cash and then she walked into the store Ancient Ways. I loved her immediately there seemed to be a loving smile all over her. We gave him some money and then scurried into the store but she was already buzy reading Tarot for someone. I loved the bags and incense and books and the feeling of the store. We had to go but I will be back. whatever those women are practicing is what i want for my life.
A shot of life/light reminded me not to lean on anyone but to use my own mind/thoughts to lift myself up to the light and love available all the time and the gloomy mood of the week started breaking up much as the stormy sky broke u when the storm passed. I was rereminded that I know of a better way of life rather than waiting for my "higher-ups" to send me what I need I can dirct myself to what I need through my thoughts and beliefs. that wonderful woman reminded me of this fact. Mountain Woman muc like Jerry Garcias first wife who could have saved him if only he was willing.
I have grown weary of politics,weary of the struggle for clear, positive thought. I no longer care to hear politicians tipp toeing around Israel and the rightwubg activities of their government. I believe that netnyahu won by stealing the election. At any rate I want out and away I want to focus on myself and my family, on personal and private things for a bit. I wat to develop my mental strengths and then to teach those willing how to do this for themselves so that they are eternally free within regardless of the externals or at least the external beliefs of other people. I have a lot to earn about the earth and myself and that is where my interests lie at thsi point.

Turning point: perfectly rotten days in the collective and I am struggling with pain and complications of hand issues complicated by the use of regular hydrocordone-Vicodin. Too much too long will now have to wen off before the surgery and then when the surgery is over that will be the last. Can't stand Percocet which makes me loopy and pain free but is absolutely no fun because I can't do anything but lay around under the influence.
The country, the state,the County all in wrteched condition. Rove, bush, et all will walk becuse the Dems don't dare let the world know what they did. All of us have been living on credit and all of our cards are maxed.
I made the mistake of buying murder mysteries at the library sale. I was reading a Margaret Truman mystery and became increasingly depressed as I read of great wealth,international political power, labor power, ambition all the while listening to the trash that passes for news on tv or on the readio. that with my problem with pain and pain killers just depressed me into the ground that and my home full of people unable and unsilling to care for themselves. god I am just a mess today.

Monday Morning Holiday

BIG trouble with my hands even incorporating the issue into a dream so that I didn't have to wake up-while I was moving out with another group of citizens with things going so much better than anticipated i dreamed that my fourth finger right hand was frozen locked down and then I awakened and sure enough the 4th right hand was locked down and very painful I go to sleep with the guards on but they cause pain in the wrists so I take them off.
disturbed by the plane crash in Buffalo NY a 9/11 widow very active in getting to the truth of what happened and another woman researching another area who I forget right now. this coming on the heels of Michael Connell's crash in 12/2008 has my hair standing on end. so many people have died these past few years people who had things to share.

So i got interrupted and just deleted the beginning post. Let me say that I now hate any of the lawmakers who identify themselves publicly as Republicans-they mean that they are fascist and hate government and want women pregnant and barefoot and the poor to remain poor and ignorant they want to support the large global corps who will make sure that the lawmakers families never go hungry. I hate that smiirking little queen Lindsey Graham I can just envision him in a soft green satin/silk robe with his mighty scepter shining out awaiting the proper worship of his page. He has done so much damage that I am reduced to making fun of his pleasure which is a false position for me to take. More pleasure, more pleasure I say and mean but ridicule my images of Graham I am twisted up here.
I am shocked by how much amy hates me, really hates me. If she didn't have the children I think that i would put her out maybe not but I like to think that I would. Here she is 39 still hating me for what I couldn't do when Gerald dumped her here in California with no money even though I explained to them that I was homeless,etc. I pulled us together as fast as I could but her life was miserable and she said nothing. I was so poor and all I got from my childless friends was lectures on financial management this from one multi millionaire friend and oh I forget but Gerald sent me, begrudingly, $100 once a month and the landlord hated me becuase he figured out that I was trading sex with a rich old man to get money to keep myself and my daughter together. I have tears rushing up like a volcano in my stomach those days from 1986-1988 were so hard so very hard and all I really got was criticism or some bizarre new age stuff that I was very enchanted with those days (of course I was I was full of quilt about Roland and the alchohol and abandoning Amy in my fog of terror and alchohol). At any rte better times were coming-I would in time meet my beloved Steve and amy hates me for that because he was so young and people knew but look we have gone on and he is a scholar now eligible to teach the disabled and disadvantaged and I am nearing retirement age and I will be able to go back to school and study culture although judging from how my hands are feeling this morning I won't be able to go too deep into basket weaving which I was looking forward to doing.
Took me years to escape the inner condemnation for leaving Harwood St becuae I could not figure out how to dump Joyce. I hated her but could not give up because I had given my word. In fact when I got involved with Roland I couldn't leave for years because I had fgiven my word. the issue there was the guilt I felt still after having left when I gave my work. In fact I just forgave myself this past month for leaving Lisa and Shawn-I was only able to forgive after the end came with Lisa's death and I could see the tragedy for her that ended in addiction and and rejection and death. Oh if only I had had more to ovver but I ws one hurt little girl so alone full of admonitions but no one had energy or resources and those who did werer so ashamed of me that they had to leave town. I guess my upside down way of punishing myself was to stay in destructive relationships and fail. I could never say this outloud so deep was my hatred of myself. Starting to let it come up now.

So yesterday I went to the capitol in Sacramento to lobby for the people we welfare workers, children's services workers, adult protective services workers serve. As usual the damage is being done by the Republicans. We spoke with Senator Maldondo's representative who came back to us with his heaviest punch=the Democratic.Treasury guy spent $3 million on his office and wants anouther $8 million to build cubicles after we laughed and derided the hapless Democrat I asked how much Schwarzenegger spent on his offece and surprise,surprise Mr. Lanza didn't know.
The entire day was I believe about how to begin to undo the extreme-right's hold on the public media.
My third finger right is triggering so bad today that even after my shower and coffee it is still sticking with the icky grinding feeling when I force it to raise up. Saturn in Virgo through the sixth ruled by mercury and the second house is also ruled by mercury fingers and hands ruled by gemini and mercury. Surgery 3/6/09 for carpal tunnel on the left hand don't know what we will do for this new development. Took years for the ring finger to develop. Diabetes??

Judy A my wonderful friend took me out yesterday. We went first to the library book sale an effort to raise a little cash before the books are trashed then she took me out for Thai food in El Sobrante. the restaurant is California Thai and has I think perhaps 8 tables including booths. the food is simple and elegant and we shared a dessert of bananas fried in a rice flour mix tempura style and coconut ice cream with honey swirled over-heaven. We talked and talked about our children, politics, California, people we know in common from work. Judy is 76 now and looks better than ever her skin is pink and soft and she loves this part of life almost as if she were born to be an old woman. I know exactly what she means every year older I feel better I love being free of other people's opinions I can still be hurt by harsh judgements but I can just walk away now and return to myself.
That returning to myself is what i did through the reading of the Jung biography by Bearn. I had never been conscious of the wealth he inherited by marrying Emma and how completely he was protected he was from consequences in the material world. I grew up and let go-not for me that type of extreme self-centeredness. I am a working woman lower middle class i have obligations he never had and I would never try to convince Steve to accept another man in my life. I continue to admire him but his was of life is not mine.
Kimn never wrote back so I do accept now that she chooses to be estranged. Sad for me but there it is. She blessed me in passing by saying that she admires me for how far I came in life from welfare mother to matriarch but she won't share any of her life and I must accept that.
I must say that I don't share the prejudice against welfare. We are so much better off supporting those who can't support themselves and their children having free education as far as ones talent and skills can go. The hatefulness and evil roaming the streets of Berkeley, oakland, San Francisco the cities I know comes from ignorance, frustration and plain old hunger and unemployment, I find it staggering that we pay freely for weapons but not for welfare. What does that say about us? people don't want to see that and they just say that we live in a dangerous world never realizing that we amde the world dangerous.

early Saturday morning with fresh brewed coffee clean body fresh ready for the mamogram which I don't like but it makes Hecate happy and the practitioners at Kaiser happy so I will do it and even get the sis????scope to make sure nothing is growing too large and taking up room.
The house is full from every room the even breathing and snoring of loved ones. I run out of money I am supporting Amy and her children at the subsistence level oh and I support Steve in part and Buffy in part and I just plain run out of money. Amy seems unable to get any support and is so depressed that she won't do anything.
McCain is now acting out his second scene: after playing out the old rope-a-dope (I think that is what this means) as the lame and senile old fool all but giving the game to Obama he has come back as wiley coyote-mean and menacing and vicious refusing to come to Obamas Superbowl party and announcing publicly that he would not. Now the repugs are stripping out all the human welfare parts of the so called stimulous bill and the popular media talks only the republican side. This while we all slide into the future and I imagine there is a plan afoot to have people like myself and my sister living in tents and god knows what is in the future for Courtney and Arvin. I read an article in The Economist this week about the homeless and the tent cities in Japan. Japan that had wonderful underpinnings with pensions, etc now is like the US and Britain ugly and mean and cruel. I have decided not to retire to keep working even if I end up with 3000 cases=I fear for my pension and SSA I hear the young ones talking about pruning us old dead wood but where are we supposed to go. I have paid for my parents and myself for SSA and for my own pension. My employer has helped but I pay a lot in SSA,Medicare and retirement.
I am wondering if I shouldn't start doing this journal on a private Office for MAC but I like writing for my imaginary friends out there-I know that there is no one to read my thoughts and why would they? My personal life is so narrow there is no excitement there but I find it exciting as I drink my morning coffee. Amy had a deep cough so does Steve-I went and got another flu shot that makes three years in a row plus the pneumonia shot. At any rate I love this typing early in the morning even though typing now really hurts-hand issues more than carpal tunnel I think.

what it was with Christianity was I finally realized that The Church is a corporation and a mean one at that that tells people that they will burn in hell for eternity if they don't believe. I finally saw that and walked away from christianly,Judiasm, buddhism/

Jude over at Stars Over Washington got me to thinking about my chart as she hooked us up to another astrologer and a piece she ( Julie Demboski) did on the quickly approaching powerful ingagement of the personal planets and the big guys-Saturn,Pluto. I dreamed that I went over to John's house to ask for yet another loan and he wasn't there and I had to leave him a note and it took three different pens, one was a pencil. John agreed to the loan but I was still uncomfortable. The majority of the planetary activity doesn't seem to have much to do with money but rather more to do with work and position and who I want to be in the world and there is an emphasis on leaving the home and family alone for a bit and focusing on who/where I want to be in the world.
Precious alex is here moaning in his sleep. He has been through so much and he hides his outlaw side from me afraid that he will lose my love and maybe he is right I just know that I love this kid who is Arvin's best friend and they look alike and they really love each other.
I am on the side of common people although I prefer conversation with the educated and enlightened. I want to work with those who don't have enough and I have and for the most part I have loved it although the attention to detail demanded of bureaucrats is taxing still I have gotten better. I love working with the people in IHSS and I would also like to work with families but the years of hateful limitations has made everyone so mean I can no longer function there. I felt tht I would one day go mad and jump on my desk and challenge the next self-rightous worker to a duel, I pride myself on believing that I had something to due with forcing one such trainer into retirement. She was going on and on about people not reporting accurately and referring them to the DA. I held up my hand and said is this all you can understand about people who are poor enough to qualify for these programs knowing that the amount of food stamps we can give will not feel anyone for a month? I think she wanted to strangle me and I was so grateful that I stood up for those who have no one to stand up for them, I actually felt guilty about being mean to her publicly but the workers needed to hear another side. she stopped the training class that day and soon retired.
Amy still sick, Steve still sick-bad stuff this flu.