So i got interrupted and just deleted the beginning post. Let me say that I now hate any of the lawmakers who identify themselves publicly as Republicans-they mean that they are fascist and hate government and want women pregnant and barefoot and the poor to remain poor and ignorant they want to support the large global corps who will make sure that the lawmakers families never go hungry. I hate that smiirking little queen Lindsey Graham I can just envision him in a soft green satin/silk robe with his mighty scepter shining out awaiting the proper worship of his page. He has done so much damage that I am reduced to making fun of his pleasure which is a false position for me to take. More pleasure, more pleasure I say and mean but ridicule my images of Graham I am twisted up here.
I am shocked by how much amy hates me, really hates me. If she didn't have the children I think that i would put her out maybe not but I like to think that I would. Here she is 39 still hating me for what I couldn't do when Gerald dumped her here in California with no money even though I explained to them that I was homeless,etc. I pulled us together as fast as I could but her life was miserable and she said nothing. I was so poor and all I got from my childless friends was lectures on financial management this from one multi millionaire friend and oh I forget but Gerald sent me, begrudingly, $100 once a month and the landlord hated me becuase he figured out that I was trading sex with a rich old man to get money to keep myself and my daughter together. I have tears rushing up like a volcano in my stomach those days from 1986-1988 were so hard so very hard and all I really got was criticism or some bizarre new age stuff that I was very enchanted with those days (of course I was I was full of quilt about Roland and the alchohol and abandoning Amy in my fog of terror and alchohol). At any rte better times were coming-I would in time meet my beloved Steve and amy hates me for that because he was so young and people knew but look we have gone on and he is a scholar now eligible to teach the disabled and disadvantaged and I am nearing retirement age and I will be able to go back to school and study culture although judging from how my hands are feeling this morning I won't be able to go too deep into basket weaving which I was looking forward to doing.
Took me years to escape the inner condemnation for leaving Harwood St becuae I could not figure out how to dump Joyce. I hated her but could not give up because I had given my word. In fact when I got involved with Roland I couldn't leave for years because I had fgiven my word. the issue there was the guilt I felt still after having left when I gave my work. In fact I just forgave myself this past month for leaving Lisa and Shawn-I was only able to forgive after the end came with Lisa's death and I could see the tragedy for her that ended in addiction and and rejection and death. Oh if only I had had more to ovver but I ws one hurt little girl so alone full of admonitions but no one had energy or resources and those who did werer so ashamed of me that they had to leave town. I guess my upside down way of punishing myself was to stay in destructive relationships and fail. I could never say this outloud so deep was my hatred of myself. Starting to let it come up now.