Sunday-again

I was born just after the second world war and the stories of the concentration camps and the deaths of millions of Jews. Not so much info about the founding of Israel. I am grateful that my grownups told me those stories and grateful that I was able to raise Amy knowing what happened so that she could not be tempted to believe the fascists who have started to say that the reports are exaggerated or even that there never were any camps. I honestly never thought that they would come out and say that it never happened but I guess I am too trusting.
There is a piece in the Sunday Chronicle about a couple who met after that war and survived the loss of both families and learned to love and laugh again through each other. They witness the power of love and the human spirit in a way the fascists never can with their whining complaints.
I found a wonderful pair of pants for work at Ross for $12.98 and four wash clothes in the sand and fern green towels that I have collected for the bathroom. Soft clean colors. The pants are black with some rayon with polyester and a little stretch stuff. Steve got three mugs in the style we love-one blue two red and this is almost the end of those mugs which have a wonderful balance to them consequently they chip but don't often break.
Ran into my beloved Judy Abel who was on her way to Ross for a gift card for her dnl. Big birthday coming up with the dnl and her snl in Santa Cruz. She and I began working for CCCO in the same hiring group in 9/75. She retired a few years back being older. She was 67 when she headed in. I plan to leave this year although I am so afraid of losing my pension to politics but also afraid of losing my life to the commute.

So the old car is now dead and someone bought it for $250 cash I was grateful for. A bus pass is $70 a month for healthy adults and Steve has one but als don't so we walk everywhere and purchased one of the push carts for carrying home what we don't need. The bus is $2.00 for a ride-poor people don't use the bus they walk or wait for someone to give them a ride. Poor people eat the food offered in the rundown sections of town. The bad food is the result of a lot of things some of it the tendency of folks to hold up the small stores for money but that isn't the only pressure.
Steve and I will wlak today and get TP and some cups abd we will get our prescribed exercise. Wonder if Joyce Heflin is still alive. She was so mean and taught me how to spell presciption-everyone says perscribe but the work is prescribe. She was so mean and would call up clients when a worker was out and so beat them up over a pending bank statement, rent receipt,etc that the client would be ready to kill the worker who of course had nothing to do with the hatefulness. There is an air of hatred in the cash programs-people hate to give money to people they always think that the people are lying. My sup right now is bringing that ugly energy into my cases because I have been gone for the second carpel tunnel surgery-she has just been harrassing one person over a closed bank account and a car she got rid of years ago. theThe unit is moving in the direction of hatefulness and I am once again fighting for my people but eventually I will be gone. I hate the stupidness and stick with Aracelli and Charlene-bright women who understand that these people are sick and old and NEED HELP not cruelty. People like Jennifer,Jorge,Stan, Sharon are mean because they in their hearts don't like those who come to the government for help. In the end it has been co-workers who have given me the greatest amount of grief not the public. Occasionaly a client will be hard to handle but mostly it is those I work with who worship verifications, who love lording it over others that have been difficautult to work with.
I know I am going to mosey on down the roa John Comly and Roxanne are leaving, Tim has already left and long ago Judy, John , Wayne left people I really liked.

Up early writing in Astroworld to my beloved Sally but the thoughts I think really belong here. will go to listen to Krishnadass sing and I will be swept away. I was amazed that his words and singing would go so far in but there I am, in love with g-d through his singing. I felt an image of Lisa young and beautiful as was I and we were lovers and I lost her through death and began to hate the world and hated life and as I danced and sang to the music I saw that we are eternal and that Lisa is always here as is everyone from that lineage-my father and expecially my grandfather and Aunt Effie, the medicine woman the healer eternally a girl gentle and wise. I started loving India which has never attracted me-I have been attachd to Europe and Christianity and then the European indigenous expression of love for life and light and magic. I never was a hippie longing for a guru but here I am right now drawn to India through Ramdass/Krishnadass.

Hard day

Thursday of the first day back to work-I am tired and listless. One of the social workers-James Crawford had a massive heart attack. The report is that his heart is full of blood clots and I thought cumadin for life. He looks so young and is-48-with bland hair that he wears in a pony tail. We are all surprised and sad-just last week he went into sup Mac's office and said "this job cannot be done" this after weeks and weeks of constant overtime. I don't feel so overworked because I am not a social worker and my job is not impossible but I have been there at times but no longer.
someone has written a biography of Tom Waits. HMMMM wonder when I will buy it wonder how sad it will make me. I remember doing the synestry of our charts all sesqiuqadrates amd semi-squares and all moving away from each other. How I loved him and his music and he just didn't see that in me and preferred Joyce's company. I remember picking up Steve B at the airport and bringing him back to Berkeley and telling him that I couldn't stay over because i was going to spend the envening with Tom. Sadly Steve was impressed-sure sign that he was no longer interested in me. God that was long ago. The last time I saw him was at the Greek Theater just before I started my new job as a welfare worker-long time ago now-I am getting ready to retire.

Tuesday 3/24/2009

Payday and yes I live from "check to check". family, Aimee and Courtney moved out Sunday after one of our not uncommon yelling matches. Courtney saying that she knows shit about Steve which I think is that she believes that he has a girlfriend-so do I although I now think that that is over. At any rate the level of illwill from courtney not just anger but deep illwil has frightened me and now she had chosen staying at her friend's house at 30th and Telegraph as preferable to staying here and Aimee is staying with Courtney's father in the house of his psychotic cousin. HMMMM.
Yesterday "someone" came in and stole Steve's Pismo his beloved laptop although they left behind his fender worth over $10,000 and his IMac and my timy Macmini computer-sooo-I am thinking that this wanton theft has been committed by someone close to us to teach us to lock our doors to keep out the bad guys. HIGH- LLARIOUS as Stephanie Miller says. I suppose the computer wil now be recovered-just sayin.
As to our security-we never questioned it until Aimee and her tribe moved in and brought all their drug-adled consciousness with them. Amazing that one of the reasons they stopped respecting me is my use of vicodin during this Saturn in virgo journey through carpal tunnel/trigger finger anxiety. I have had two surgergies right and left and a lot of pain in the right hand. And i believe that I do overuse the vicodin but not to the point of dysfunction. I also believe that I will wean myself off as Tonouye and I have discussed-I love the pleasure but I am not a fool and I am not a slave and I will stop in time because that is how I have always been..
I spent a few years in AA and learned a lot about addiction enoufgh to keep me form using for years. Now I seldom drink because of the liver damage already caused by diabetes meds and I have never consumed to the point of intoxiication-ever. I do however live in a culture where mood altering drugs are easily available and I use those drugs form timt to time in my life and I abhor the goody-two-shoes of the same culture and I don't like teetotalers. I am much more comfortable with those who go over the line from time to time.
At any rate back to Aimee and her tribe I found it amazing to be judged and condemned by these folks whose lives have been rined by drugs and their foolish decisions. I am talkiing about unemployed homeless folks of intelligence and strength who just chose to keep using rather than buckle down. Let others feel sympathy and maybe soemthing will get through to them for myself I am finished although I know I will give Aimee some cash. Evidently regular ingestion of street meth destroys some parts of the brain-wouldn't be surprised. I tried it once after Robert's death and found it to be ugly and exhusting couldn't believe that people would choose to continue using it. Perhaps I have more physical stamina because I was raised on old fashioned food while those younger than I have been raised on processed food and that stamina warned me that the substance called speed is deadly. I will say that Aimee (Amy) was raised on old fashioned slow cooking which no doubt accounts for her perfect skin and good teeth.

Sunday 3/22/09 just before 5pm

So it seems to me that the bailout had a twofold purpose: to complete the robbery of the the US treasury and ruin Obama. that must have been what all the rush was about. The Republicans love the destruction of Obama and the Globalists love the emptying of the US coffers.

sunday 3/22/2009

Saw something in Raw Story that hurt: Irag deaths up/our pretense of caring down. Sometimes I feel crazy that absolutely everyone is not out protesting over this obscene military invasion and destruction of an indepentent country. We so owe them everything we have and I never her anyone saying this. If this country and Iraq were individuals we, the US, would be given at the very least life in prison and some would be very happy to hear that we were given the death penalty. What on earth was this for? No one will ever say. Was it just for Bush to have a reason for a war to show he was getting the "terrorists"? Was it to get the "embassy" built so that we will be able to fight China? I honestly don't understand but the entire thing is so close to the history of settling the west by destroying the people already there and enslaving and the amazing thing is the the "world" acts as if there was somehow a reason for what was done to the Iraqis. I have read some who think that the Iraqis deserve their fate because they allowed the dictator to control them-but then we did come to the defence of the British/French,etc. in WWII-the entire Iraq thing is just bizarre and so anti-life that I would expect more protest, greater outrage but nothing like that happens-if it is not on TV I guess it doesn't mean anything .
At 1:30pm just a few minutes ago my daughter advised me that Courtney is moving out and that she and Arvin are going to stay with Raphel. I said" no, Arvin stays with us and she responds " no Arvin wants to be with his mother!!" So I am checked and I imagine that explains why Arvin walked by a few minutes earlier and socked me in the back and startled me. I asked him why he did that and he said that he didn't know why. This all seems rather surrelistic-I didn't think that the argument we had was greater than any others but the outcome sure is. I think that this is because I called Courtney's mean bluff where she brings up Steve and how awful he is to live on me and cheat on me and this time I confronted her and asked her to tell me what she was talking about and of course she would not. So off they go and I am really frightened about Arvin not having food nor clothes nor a way to get to school. I am sick to think of Arvin subjected to the chaos of all of this, especially aimee's cruelty and laziness and semi-catonic spells. Maybe they will take Buffy too-she knows everything that is going on.

Saturday 3/14/09

 chased ou† of the kitchen by my daughter'sneer-she hates me this morning.  Ha†es everything I say just hates me.  I want to scream 'this is my house, this is m y life that I am sharing this is work that provides the shelter and nourishment but she will just sneer don't take this personally.  Well several moments later after i spoke my feelings without the drama I love the " no one loves me everyone everyone hates me I am going out to the backyard and eat worms and we were able to talk through the very rough saturn thing we have going on-her saturn on my mars and my saturn on her moon although not as tight. Definately have agreements for this life time.

SOOO-- I just had an intuition and decided to check GOOGLE for clymela and there I am listed all over the place. I have been very intimate here talking to myself and the few individuals I am comfortable with. OY VEY now everyone can read my personal life ( of course of the billions how many know my name?? Even more how many would care? Still this is weird.

So weird days-more than one mass murder since venus turned retrograde in Aries in my personal 12th. Last night I was res†less didn't take my trazadone and so I heard stories of people running for their lives but not making it and even wife and infant of the deputy were killed this was in alabama and there was one in Germany. Sorrow and fear and terror and what was happening to the killer? And how many more subject to the drive to make money regardless of their talents. Seems that we are simply cogs being run to fill the money needs of the bosses. r of course could be the drugs used to be able †o work double shifts much as burdett talks about re Thailand.

8th house nSNode

I can see clearly now what I do with money: I just go limp and use up all the money. A monstrous infantile degression because I am so afraid of not having enough. I say that I love my poverty but really I am terrified.

S o I asked the question I wn† †o retireI am retiring what will"it" look like. Asked 3/9/09 8:43p M DST right here in Richmond. Oh yes I am retiring I am †ˆred and i still have life I

I was walking down the stairs at harwood with laundry or trash and I see the Avacado Tree before me and recognize Her as my Queen the source of wisdom the foundation of my education and transformation (and incidentally the source of my unending admiratou for J. She lead us to this place where ultimately we lived until A was 7) the reason I could not ever get into her apt without climbing up ( and never getting there!!) she knew all of this before i did. Just as I wlaked into the sun from under Her shade I saw beautiful Gloria with a halo of golden hair calling me by name saying Clymela I am your guide. I was jumping around in thought She is to the right the Tree is to the left trying to reassure myself that I am not making a fool of my coveting, jealous little self but just earlier I had just seen how active covetousness is in my heart and prayed to be healed of the poison of covetouness that drain on life force that is how I got dark and fat and wasted the next 30 years-focusing on what THEY had rather than what I was doing-South node stuff looking at them their wealth their talents and privileges and neglecting my own dreams and giving up completely the worst being when I joined up with Roland and joined in his outlaw games that only to escape Devaki who was not Elaine,

I thin that Lisa died when saturn/uranus switched signs from where they were at the time of her birth. I will have to check this out it just came to me.

Surgery for the left hand in just a few hours. I am hungry-haven't eaten since yesterday except for a little ice cream to get my sugar to rise. One thing I remember from before is how nice the 'nap' was and then coming home all groggy with a bottle of percocet and I will be out of it until Monday or Tuesday and then I will start to get well. Have to return the car Monday sure miss having an auto hope we can get another sometime before the fall.
Clouding up to rain again huge clouds coming in from the south and the east-huge.

So jeez I can't get Raw Story to open nor can I get into Astroworld-bahbahabah. I have a ertain routine for the early AM that I love and Raw Story is my newspaper and Astrowold my favorite columnists much in the place of the Chronicle,Herb Caen, Art Hoppe,etc. A slower world then for sure but i still get the same feelings from my early morning internet.
Daily now I am thinking feeling the end of my life not that I feel the end is near but rather the sense just as now that Aimee doesn't read the Chronicle never knew Herb Caen who once flirted with me on the bus. Increasingly I feel the weight of the decades. Part of this I know is Leisa's death this summer right after her birthday and just after the anniversary of her daughter's death the year before. The sorrow, the grief that she had no one to love her that everyone grew impatient with her because she couldn't heal form the loss. Mary Jean and Kenton pushing in and taking eveything saying that she had just syphoned off all the moeny from Ed but of course they weren't willing to take over and at least she and the kids were there and kept him from being alone. And so here I am all alone with the private sorrow that I can never speak of it is so loathesome. I wonder what this all is to Wayne-the Sag/Leo moon/venus Scorpio in my life before my Amy. I have had this imaginatiin of going back to Moscow and everything is the same except all the people who made it home and so exciting are of course gone either dead or moved away. At any rate I will always be haunted now-I abandoneded those sweet little babies because I needed to save myself. Even now I start to weep and I guess that I will always weep now. I had nothing inside to save me or to teach them I wasn't a woman yet and as a woman I was never going to be that rooted in tradition I was angry

Hecate praising Leonard Cohen. QOP praising Timex watches. Joyce turned up on the gmail.com yesterday. HMMM Aimee and the children sleeping on the floor with matteresses and futons and I love it even if I come home and sleep early I love having them here and knowing that they don't really need me any more not to cook and clean and bathe, tell stories. I relax more now willing to come to attention if needed.
Eating southern this morning-grits, clarified butter and "brwon bread'toast like I used to get at the resturant on Macdonald at Marina Way. Just got another hint of going somewhere only to find the building empty of the people I once knew-Lavonne, Beverly, others, Tim, etc. all gone no one remembers me. So I will enjoy my breaksfast and think about this time in my life. HMMM I seem to be saying a lot these days. A few of us stayed on even John Comly is gone after 38 years. i will go soon HUMMMMM!

Can't really get excited about writing this morning. Raining hard about an hour ago sounded like a waterfall. Love this and the hope that the terperatures will fall and there will be more snow in the mountains which is what we need to fill the resevoriors.
Spent $300 yesterday on food still don't have any new rubber gloves the money goes so fast and we really need someone at home cooking and baking to keep costs down. Eating grapes from Chile that cost 88 cents a pound. This is crazy and I bought them because they are so popular in the family. Arvin eating frozen chicken pieces (well he "nuked" them) previously cooked and then frozen. this is how we live. Wonder what things would look like if we really are more individually responsible for our own lives. The way I grew up required people at home to clean and cook-I would love to back to that would even be willing t0 be chief cook and bottle washer.
Strange days ately thinking of being in the last cycle and then thinking that I don't really want to think of myself as coming to the end for fear that I will punk out before I have to. Strange to have memories that are 50/60 years old. Had a fantasy of visiting Moscow,KS and even though I went to the right houses no one was there because we are either gone or dead I felt such a shock to conect with that truth. Can't go home again isn't that what the poet said? Whose face do I see when my attention relaxes?? Still don't know.

So I was cruising around on Safari because Firefox was acting wierd and I opened up the Old Hippie blog and almost hooted out loud-a photo shot image of him with Baga Yaga chicken legs. Too early for loud hooting but I do love it. Couldn't link to his comments so that I could tell him. I love his anti corp outlook which is one of my favorite hobby horses.
So much pain in the right hand fourth finger-I sondering if it won't eventually get better because the third finger is now relaxed and not painful even though the recovery time from the surgery was MUCH longer than i anticipated. Perhaps the other finger will start to relax and let the hand heal up.
The boys now 12 and 14 sleeping peacefully. They have been staying over at my house since they were very little. I don't like Sean the older brother-sadly I don't like him because his hunger for love and riches is so close to the top-reminder of my own raging hungers. Alex is so much more harmonious so much easier in his skin. Sean abandoned his family searching fora better family not unlike the way I responded to my family tragedy. HMMMM once again I judge others for my own sins. Arvin doesn't have the same issues and so it is easier for me to accept him warts and all.