So jeez I can't get Raw Story to open nor can I get into Astroworld-bahbahabah. I have a ertain routine for the early AM that I love and Raw Story is my newspaper and Astrowold my favorite columnists much in the place of the Chronicle,Herb Caen, Art Hoppe,etc. A slower world then for sure but i still get the same feelings from my early morning internet.
Daily now I am thinking feeling the end of my life not that I feel the end is near but rather the sense just as now that Aimee doesn't read the Chronicle never knew Herb Caen who once flirted with me on the bus. Increasingly I feel the weight of the decades. Part of this I know is Leisa's death this summer right after her birthday and just after the anniversary of her daughter's death the year before. The sorrow, the grief that she had no one to love her that everyone grew impatient with her because she couldn't heal form the loss. Mary Jean and Kenton pushing in and taking eveything saying that she had just syphoned off all the moeny from Ed but of course they weren't willing to take over and at least she and the kids were there and kept him from being alone. And so here I am all alone with the private sorrow that I can never speak of it is so loathesome. I wonder what this all is to Wayne-the Sag/Leo moon/venus Scorpio in my life before my Amy. I have had this imaginatiin of going back to Moscow and everything is the same except all the people who made it home and so exciting are of course gone either dead or moved away. At any rate I will always be haunted now-I abandoneded those sweet little babies because I needed to save myself. Even now I start to weep and I guess that I will always weep now. I had nothing inside to save me or to teach them I wasn't a woman yet and as a woman I was never going to be that rooted in tradition I was angry