Wednesday 4/29/2009

Not much time to write this morning and probably not until June when I will be retired.
I told someone about this place where my picture and writing can be found. I regret this but what is done is done. Rereading what I have written encourages me-boy that the Chiron in Scorpio in the 7th creating a tight tsquare with opposing Mars and squaring Saturn is so obvious in the incident at work. As usual I am reacting to something that is very real but is hidden I remember saying as a child "I don't know how I know. I just know." And so it was then-I knew what was up but looked a fool responding to what the others were hiding.
aimee applying for funds to move in to her new apt-$1000-wonder if I can dig up the money.
Must go now-off to work. Oh wonderment-Miriam's daughter who has had Lymphoma is now declared free of the tumor and other signs. Her mother's prayer group? I don't know when others I know are dead with two months of a cancer diagnoses.

tuesday of the heat wave

Two very hot days here in the mild SF Bay Area. we slept, all of us, with windows open gasping for our sweet ocean cooled air. We are not accustomed to dry heat up in the 90's. The air is comforting this morning but the blinds will have to come down with light to capture the night coolness. Hamburgers tonight i think and ice tea and cool things such as bean salad,etc.
In the early morning I head chris matthews plugging his new book on how to get ahead in the world. His adivice is to make friends of those you want to be like or who can hire you.!! Simple wisdom precious adice and ina twinkling i realized why I never advanced at work-I was completely consumed with doing it my way with being the star bui never really believing that I could succeed and also being obsessed with unearthing my evil shadow and naming her. I was full of mystical things and uninterested in practical things and so I failed by offending those who wanted to help me and therfore help themselves and the County. Jung was right that the things I was interested were not for young people who needed to find their way in the world. I believed that I couldn't find my way in the world that I didn't desreve success because I had abandoned Lisa and shawn and committed nefarious acts along the way hurting those who only wanted to love me. I wanted to be the Loner dressed in black riding into town to do charts and tell fortunes and gathering the praise that would dissolve my guilt and shame and raise me bodily into heaven. Of course I didn't ascend into heaven and ended up here sitting on the garbage heap. My father's Aries voice so loud and my loyalty so strong and deep that I followed my own interpretation straight to hell and no one could break through I think because my personality is so strong that no one dared or maybe they just wanted off my careenng trolley headed straight to destruction.
Good realizaation now that I am retiring do to age and opportunity

Friday

Awake very early and sitting here at the computer (this was earlier) and peeking through the crack in the curtains was the brilliant quarter moon-last quarter. the light of the moon was so strong that it almost hurt my eyes.
Yesterday visiting Tanouye and Shum. Shum had just gotten back from the Carribbean visiting a friend "without the family". She looked so beautiful and healthy. She has three childrne and works like a man as a surgeon-10 and 12 hour days. She needs a wife for her children.
Yesterday things were more relaxes in the unit although of course not with Charlene. Francisco talked about what others are going through and that relieved me however there was of course no talk of what I finally realized-these people don't like me at all I am nothing to them although I think of them as members of my unit and I like and care for each of them individually. the point being I imagine that i don't have to be superior to anyone. Of course I am not a feeling type-intuitive and an old soul so I guess the feeling type late youn early mature types just don't like me. My family suffered with htis when we lived in Moscow-people just didn't understand them the slow witted sensation/feeling types in Moscow.

Yesterday I totally blew my cool at work. Around 12:45 I looked up and noticed that my entire unit was missing. I was shocked because lunch is over at 12:30. When the clok said 1:00 I started to think " they have gone out together and said absolutely nothing to me and just left me alone to cover the unit,etc. Monei our clerical person came in and I asked her mean self if she knew where the unit was but i guess she was thinking that I was asking about her late return although I wasn't I just thought that perhaps Miriam had advised her that they would be out. Alas no was the snarky answer. Finally the unit returned at about 1:45 laughing and Miriam said "they forced me to go" and then I realized that this was meant to hurt me planned I suspect by Charlene and believe me I was hurt on so many levels. Oh Chiron in Scorpio in the 7th-reminders of Cheri Brollier and the snubbing by those who when Cheri was not around liked me-Guylene,Sheila, Carolyn Sue but when she was arond were very mean to me. Well this morning i see that clearly and do forgive myself for falling into the Deceiver's trap-a reminder that I am still trapped there still vuneralbe to rejection by the group. Also, this morning I remember that Charlene has been shunning me for several days. I was slow to pick up on this but finally I noticed when I noticed that Aracelli has not talked to me for days. At work I was angry and then when I got away I was grieving, weeping feeling so abandoned and not knowing why. This morning I realized that Charlene has gotten very pissy before when she had to work on my cases and she has had to work on my cases lately due to the restricted duty. Yesterday she even made a point of showing everyone her crickett farm and walked right by me although I was interested in her turtles and the story of their lives together. Well this is so petty but these people really hurt me and they dug their knives in deeply and this is why I don't trust people-they don't like me they even hate me and I must ber such a creep but I don't feel like a creep and I genuinely like them-funny this theme that has been repeating since I was seven years.
Soooo- I have been watching Susan Boyle from Scotland-when she waled onto the stage everyone snickered because she was so ordinary, working-class appearing and she said that she was going to sing "I Dreamed A Dream" from Les Miserables. Oh the snickers and then she sang and everyone was blown away and she sang for all of us who are rejected and laughed at.

Tuesday 4/14/2009

I applied for SSA retirement benefits yesterday and I will contact the retirement board once I hear back from SSA. I am worried that SSA will decrease due to my pension. If that is the case I won't be able to retire until 65.
Ironically my sister worries about me being home all the time. What a bitch has been all her life but i don't say that with rancor just some salty humor. She is beautiful when she is serving. I think that she is a server/priest. Really I do see her that way. When everyone clears out she does an amazing level of housework and makes everything beautiful-her widow's mite indeed.

Sunday-Easter

I was so angry with Aimee for her response to this catastrophe but now I am left with worry trying to anticipate how high the damages will be but more really wondering how high my SSa will be if retire now and will Obama and friends convince the younger people that Social Security is a welfare program and should therefore be cut back,etc. i am less worried about the county pension because there is a Union of sorts of retired persons that includes retired DA's,etc not that I ever thought that I would be joining up with that side but alas here we are.
I am concerned that these writings under Clymela's Place could be accessed but no one knows that I am here although I wonder-I love the ease of keeping a journal on the computer but I definetely don't want this "published".-this is all personal and subjective.
Astologically the current troubles are easily anticipated but I didn't take my own advice. The Saturn/Uranus opposition fallinf 5th/11th for me telling me that although I want to keep this to myself I need to be out in the world now getting a whif of what is going on.

Saturday 4/11/2009 PM

I was reviewing the sites and I am noticing that Glenn Beck and Michelle Bachman are getting coverage by those lefties I consider serious and whom I like to read and think about their thoughts later. So Hey!! what the hell is going on here. Well I think that we are being set up for a civil war. Anyone like Beck or Bachman would have been terrified to speak like and no serious leftie would dare talk like that so what gives? the same question about Obama. I have seriously said Hey!! What gives guys?? Really a young charismatic black man comes out of nowhere to get elected on a platform of "change we can believe in" and wins and then runs as fast as possible to do the bidding of Wall St and the great and mighty "military/industrial complex".
America will NOT rise again but we go on building even more military bases around the world. The time is over for Europe and the European culture and what is coming is so far beyond what i have known that I can't imagine but I am definetely cought up in what is going on.
I am going to retire the County pension plus the SSA will be enough to support myself and maintain my position Health care will be about $300 a month plus drug costs, etc. won't be eligible for Medicare until age 65 in the year 2012! Perhaps the big deal will be single payor medical coverage for all. Don't know. I am afraid that I will somehow lose my pension and wind up a bag lady but truth is I am tired. Most of the people at work are Aimee's age or younger and we have nothing in common. I no longer belong and my peers are all retiring.

Saturday 4/11/2009 PM

Saturday 4/11/2009

So I let Aimee take the rented car to the drug store and while running that errand she rear-ended a nice lady driving her Prius on Gilman. as Aimee told me it was really nothing just a scratch to the rented car bumper which was really nothing. I went out to look at the bumper and saw that although Aimee was not on the contract. Why was Aimee not on the contract because when changing purses in the living room a couple of days before she told me that her driver's license was missing so I knew I couldn't get her on the contract, Rich had told me just a few weeks ago that he has to take a photo of our licenses every time. why was I letting her drive? Because I do things like this letting my loved ones go without adequetely considerin possible consequences.
At any rate here I am owing at least $550 for Rent a Relic and awaiting contact with the nice woman's insurance company, I don't know her name was unable to contact her becuase Aimee wrote down her telephone number on "a little peice of white paper" and lost it.
So what was really terrible is what came out between Aimee and I . I got a call at work from Steve saying the Todd had called and he was livid that we had an accident that the woman came by their place and the damage to her car is serious. The fender is falling off and the trunk won't shut ( we are talking hundreds of dollars here) so I call back to Todd to check in and assure him that I understand that Aimee is not covered that the expences are on me and tyhat Aimee gave a very questionable image of herse;f as someone who has a warrant out for her and who is afraid of the police,etc. I tried to talk to Aimee from work to have her explain why she presented this as something minor when it is not and whe went totally off on me and I realized that I would have to go home .
When I got home aimee was completely enraged and defensive saying that she did explain to me. I became very angry with her aggresive and rather sickening threatening defensive attack on me. she scremed that I didn't know what had happened because I was taking so many pills ( I have been taking Vicodin for a couple of years now for the hand/arm/neck issues whichare now getting resolved and I am taking much less of the narcotic which my physician knows-still I am using very strong durgs). I yelled at her that she has spent so long with losers that she has become just like them that she looked and sounded like Raphel. Oh then it was on and she tore into me. Screaming that I am the dysfunctional one that I can't manage my money that I look dysfunctional ( she said"just look at you !! You are totally dysfunctional" and I was happy in my Friday wear of blue jeans and denim shirt, clean hair pulled back with the silver streaks showing, She was screaming at me about her terrible childhood with me and especially the awfulness of having to come live with me in the summer of 1986 when she was 15 and I could only afford an apt in Oakland, 38th and Telegtaph right by Macarthur and Telegraph. that was when she was crack using and had a boyfriend who she said was 21 and I approved of it because it reminded me of Wayne and I and I thought that young people should be free to work out their sex together which of course they do but Raphel was born in 1959 not 1965 and he was a small time crook and a terrible abuser and I was oblivious I think because I wanted Aimee to be in someone else's care. I had never been a mother to anyone past age 7 and I had made Aimee's life a nightmare after I moved to San Rafael and from there kept moving all over the palce and got involved with Deva Ki and then Roland and stuck with Roland because he was at least male and I could play house with him. I had left Roland because he had comeon to Aimee and her friend and truth be told because I needed to leave him and didn't have the strength to do it without the back up of a good excuse.
I am sure I should have shigfted down to a new paragraph at some point but this is so gushing out. this morning I awakened thinking that Aimee has a real mother complex going (Leo moon opposing Aquarius mars???) and that it is her complex to work out I keep taking all the resonsibility as if she were still 4. In fact she is a woman who has chosen to live in her fear. I have tried to share with her the things I learned to steady my walk and get me across the rough passages but she hates me so that she could never listen to me, a great part of her life she gave up to drugs the getting the using and the life necessry for that business-oh hell I don't want to coninue to blame Aimee, I need to let her go she is what she is and I must stop trying to get her to "shape up" so that I will look better. The fact is is that I have been relatively strong albeit limited and narrow my daughters have been mortally wounded by my lack of mothering and community. I am a perfect example of what is dying so that something knew can be born (moon less than one degree from Pluto!!!)

4/9/2009

I saved my earlier post without any editing so that i could go take care of morning things and I thought that I could go back to it but no I could not easily figure out how to do that.
I just heard that Schwarzenegger is not allowed to drop that rate used to pay hospitals for Medi-Cal coverage. I was stunned to realize that the Nazi children /granchildren are silently continuing to turn California into a state where working people exist to serve the wealthy much like Colorado was when I lived there mut Colorado is changing because the intelligent and hustling youn peopl left California for Colorado.
I actually hate Schwarzengger and I get nauseauseous when I see Maria Shriver what a horrible life and education that child of privelege must have had in order to end up with that pig. Really I find him hideous the damage he does daily to us the common citizens. I am staggered that people would rather have his pale fascism really nazi superiority over the man he displaced. I really cn't understand that.
Last night I could not sleep until after 10 even though I regularly arise between 4:30 and 5 AM in order to have time to write and read in quiet. No one was hideouly intrusive put the energy was so disruptive for me. steve hit the definition when he : so profane!. that is what happens with Amy and Courtney-they live a profane life full of low life people who are parely able to support themselves. they seem to draw all their cultural life from TV. I feel guilty for not raising Amy more quietly with more emphasis on what lasts-ideals, religion in the sense of emphasizing the stories of creation and how to live. I was all ambitious to live the carefree life I thought others had;to be profane in my own time and curse god and the government. I learned but at what a cost to Amy-I was unconscious through most of the 1980's while she lived with her father in what was to her the part of her life. Oh god perhaps it just the difference in our generational position-I am old now and the young ones are full of the profane ambitions of building a position in the world and living a commentary on the old ways.

sunday 4/5/09 later

Family absolutely crushing me-no money after paying partial rent and no one of the people here will do anything. Buffy says that her money is gone and Aimee sleeps after learning that her cash aid and food stamps are withheld because she failed to complete the income report due quarterly because she has no current address and therefore did not receive the income report nor the notice that she needed to provide it.

Palm Sunday 2009

I didn't even realize that it is Palm Sunday and that Holy Week starts today. I grew up so strongly christian that I always kept the Christian calendar in mind but no longer. Now I follow the seasons as they unfold and I have returned to an older order-the order of the Mother. I was always interested in the women-Mary, Mary Magdalene, Ann,Esther, Ruth. the men were always out killing someone and condemning women to be stoned, etc. Over the years I have grown away from Christianity and the division was so great that morning reading the Nicene Creed and just having this intuition that these men did not believe any of the words but they did believe in making their workers and servants believe. Father George believed in the resurrection but I don't know since I have nothing but faith and my faith is gone now but it is only the faith in the Christian Bible that has been lost my faith in the holy center of my life remains-god especially god the father has always been part of my conscience and god the mother just grows and grows showing u first as an old naked woman who lived high in the red rocks in a cave-oh how I loved to go to see her and stay there in a little alcove. she was so loving and explained things to me so that I began to come free of the imprinting of the patriarchal christian culture. then she changed into the Jungian analyst who taught me how to come free of nicotine and who continued the work on my inferiority complex showing me that the feeling of being inferior was the root of addiction. Now she seems to be a soft,old woman much like myself-wise to the world but not overly interested, unwilling to explain what can only be found ( I beleive that I , like her ,would try but only for someone who asked repatedly to hear.) Well that is pretentious on my part-I am not the Mother but I turn to her repeatedly and I imagine I am still vulnerable to thinking that I am what I perceive. I am no witch yet but I do aspire-the only solution I have come up with is to teach the children to garden, encourage them to learn to sew and practice needlepoint,etc, teach the children to "put-up" the excess from their gardens and to cook. At the center of these beliefs is the mother of the Curtis family who rented out our basement. She had a speech impediment, untreated of course, and so had to marry old man Curtis who seemed quite unevolved "a silent, taciturn man". She loved her children fiercely and they were constanly industrious making rag rugs which were homely but would be treasured now, and making nutritious frugal meals and sewing clothes and patching
Interrupted to make breakfast for family members meaning the grandson and the spouse and there goes my mood for writing. I will get back to Mrs Curtis, Mary Ann and Buddy. I loved them although they frightened me. The father was very scary and Mrs. Curtis was so distainful of us the property owners whose mother ignored us and had had a child out of wedlock that she gave up for adoption (12/26/1943). we were to her mind undisciplined rude little brats. Or so the expression on her face said. The kids were very wonderful and tried to teach me what they knew of gardening and cooking and sewing and knitting

4/4/2009

Entering April always a significant mnth. My parents, ny sister,Wayne's sister Sandy all orn in april. Dreams last night. The dream before awakening-I found myself pregnant and was trying to rent out a part of my house for income I am probably 32 or so. I am in antioch I think but run into corina who helps me in labor I give birth the baby is beautiful and strong and helps pull the birth film from his eyes. I am looking for a connecion to my anscestors the box family I heard that they immigrated here from Arkansas and Oklahoma. The name was douglas no that is the first name the sur name is dogal or donal something else altogether different. I go back the palce where Corina was and it is an amusememnt park. the kids are having fun but this was was once a serious place although no one knows that tnow.

Thursday 4/2/2009

Up early and washing dishes. last night's dinner was such a happy mix. Baked chicken thighs baked in butter and worcesthershire sauce-a recipe from my sister that brings out the best in chicken thighs. and I made pasta rigatone with rappini and onions and garlic all sauted gently and then mised with the hot pasta and parmesian chees. Very nice dinner. I didn't make salad because there was enough rappini to pass as fresh vegitable. There were no leftovers.
The day before I made pork in the Mexican way and roasted a tri-tip and offered them forth with homemade squashed beans adn wonderful kitchen garden things that are so abundant now that spring is here in California.
We keep fighting-what can I do? aimee has deteriorated to the point that her friends are literally low-life people with no regular work, no school, people who sleep all day and who gather metal from the trash. Aimee sleeps and then gets up in the afternoon. Courtney sleeps and I try to save Arvin but now just end up screaming.
I am trying to watch "something About Mary" but Arvin makes me so nervous pointing out the double entandres. The movie is really crude and obvious. Arvin has been so neglected that he needs to verify constantly that I am there and I end up so nervous. I want to write and clean and just enjoy being home and share things with him. HMMM that is this morning.

4/1/2009

Well I came to write about a Tarot deck I want to order through amazon: Dvine animals tarot. animals have been showing up not just my house cat but birds and squirrls and turtles and other animals I am forgetting right now. I never thought of m yself as an animal person but I started noticing that "the baby", our house cat was actually talking to me,not in english and not the way i talk but definately telling me when she wanted to eat, when she was concerned about what was going on outside,when someone was coming home,etc. I was amazed how much she was talking to us and connected to us. After this point I had encounters with wildlife-a robin, a squirrl,etc that opened my consciousness to the relatedness all around.

Wednesday 4/1/2009

No april fool's here today. No writing just reading looking, I guess, for someone else's wisdom. fighting seperating. Aimee sleeping ll day saying there is nothing she needs to do while Arvin just melts down.
Last night while massaging him I felt his sadness and thought that the sadness is connected to his being left in the hospital at birth even after his mama left. I was back at work but felt that I was responsible to love him which I failed at again.
Arvin is now going to a school for kids who cannot make it anywhere else. He was so upset and acting out and Aimee just kept sleeping,ignoring him. I went crazy and I am still crazy. I am getting blamed for this and this is not my play. Aimee is still hating on me and won't admit it.
Going on 9:30 and she hasn't yet called him to go shopping for new pants,etc and he has been up since 7:00 waiting. The closer she comes the more he feels alienated from me and I do want her to take over but she won't-when the money is gone she will go back to sleep. they have no home and I don't think she will get one this time. Our satruns are in square-exact and her saturn sits exactly on my mars and then of course on venus so I receive her judgement on the area of life where I want to be free although I have mars sq saturn myself. Yesterday she exploded when i mentioned how she is sarcastic and hurtful to Arvin much as her father was to her. she doesn't see what i am pointing to and she screamed that the years with her father were the best much better than anything I offered but she wouldn't touch the fact that Gerald just abandoned her for his young family when she was 16. I won't even bring up how impoverished we were living in the Bay Area on my welfare worker salary. I do want her to go away and all her interpretations of everything. Courtney doesn't want to be around me and that is okay with me. I am stuck with trying to figure out how to help Arvin. I wonder if his schooling will be interupted because they are homeless and someone could say that they no longer Berkeley residents.