Saturday 4/11/2009

So I let Aimee take the rented car to the drug store and while running that errand she rear-ended a nice lady driving her Prius on Gilman. as Aimee told me it was really nothing just a scratch to the rented car bumper which was really nothing. I went out to look at the bumper and saw that although Aimee was not on the contract. Why was Aimee not on the contract because when changing purses in the living room a couple of days before she told me that her driver's license was missing so I knew I couldn't get her on the contract, Rich had told me just a few weeks ago that he has to take a photo of our licenses every time. why was I letting her drive? Because I do things like this letting my loved ones go without adequetely considerin possible consequences.
At any rate here I am owing at least $550 for Rent a Relic and awaiting contact with the nice woman's insurance company, I don't know her name was unable to contact her becuase Aimee wrote down her telephone number on "a little peice of white paper" and lost it.
So what was really terrible is what came out between Aimee and I . I got a call at work from Steve saying the Todd had called and he was livid that we had an accident that the woman came by their place and the damage to her car is serious. The fender is falling off and the trunk won't shut ( we are talking hundreds of dollars here) so I call back to Todd to check in and assure him that I understand that Aimee is not covered that the expences are on me and tyhat Aimee gave a very questionable image of herse;f as someone who has a warrant out for her and who is afraid of the police,etc. I tried to talk to Aimee from work to have her explain why she presented this as something minor when it is not and whe went totally off on me and I realized that I would have to go home .
When I got home aimee was completely enraged and defensive saying that she did explain to me. I became very angry with her aggresive and rather sickening threatening defensive attack on me. she scremed that I didn't know what had happened because I was taking so many pills ( I have been taking Vicodin for a couple of years now for the hand/arm/neck issues whichare now getting resolved and I am taking much less of the narcotic which my physician knows-still I am using very strong durgs). I yelled at her that she has spent so long with losers that she has become just like them that she looked and sounded like Raphel. Oh then it was on and she tore into me. Screaming that I am the dysfunctional one that I can't manage my money that I look dysfunctional ( she said"just look at you !! You are totally dysfunctional" and I was happy in my Friday wear of blue jeans and denim shirt, clean hair pulled back with the silver streaks showing, She was screaming at me about her terrible childhood with me and especially the awfulness of having to come live with me in the summer of 1986 when she was 15 and I could only afford an apt in Oakland, 38th and Telegtaph right by Macarthur and Telegraph. that was when she was crack using and had a boyfriend who she said was 21 and I approved of it because it reminded me of Wayne and I and I thought that young people should be free to work out their sex together which of course they do but Raphel was born in 1959 not 1965 and he was a small time crook and a terrible abuser and I was oblivious I think because I wanted Aimee to be in someone else's care. I had never been a mother to anyone past age 7 and I had made Aimee's life a nightmare after I moved to San Rafael and from there kept moving all over the palce and got involved with Deva Ki and then Roland and stuck with Roland because he was at least male and I could play house with him. I had left Roland because he had comeon to Aimee and her friend and truth be told because I needed to leave him and didn't have the strength to do it without the back up of a good excuse.
I am sure I should have shigfted down to a new paragraph at some point but this is so gushing out. this morning I awakened thinking that Aimee has a real mother complex going (Leo moon opposing Aquarius mars???) and that it is her complex to work out I keep taking all the resonsibility as if she were still 4. In fact she is a woman who has chosen to live in her fear. I have tried to share with her the things I learned to steady my walk and get me across the rough passages but she hates me so that she could never listen to me, a great part of her life she gave up to drugs the getting the using and the life necessry for that business-oh hell I don't want to coninue to blame Aimee, I need to let her go she is what she is and I must stop trying to get her to "shape up" so that I will look better. The fact is is that I have been relatively strong albeit limited and narrow my daughters have been mortally wounded by my lack of mothering and community. I am a perfect example of what is dying so that something knew can be born (moon less than one degree from Pluto!!!)