Saturday, October 31, 2009
10/31/2009
Sitting in the backwards consciousness brought on by this wicked flu but nevertheless: left Wayne, Lisa and Shawn 12/26/1967 around 8 in the evening. Looking at the chart I would advise the young person to not run to stay and figure out what is wrong and if things could be made better but that would have required a maturity that I simply did not have and for which I had to go out hunting which is what Idid-stealing education and philosophy and insight where ever I found it. I stole livelihood from Gerald and then kicked him out,supported myself as a welfare mother and impoverished student and got a job and never quit blaming myself for my sins against the Mother. I never worried too much about God the Father who was never very good to me but God the Mother could have/would helped
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday 10/29/2009
Welcome Saturn to Libra: let us pray that some real lawmaking gets doen in the nest 2+ years. Saturn in Libra exalted-the perfect match of thinking and justice.
My mother and all of my friends born in 1953 have Saturn in Libra. Love these folk because they are fair if a little stuck-up because they "get it" that they have the best understanding of the situation.
I have had the flu-kick in the ass sick in bed flu. Horrible depression to go along: I always get depressed when I have the flu or cold seems to me that depression is part of the attack from the godless little creatures we call viruses. I remember reading about them in Biology 1 and commenting that I now understood evil-these little fuckers dtotally live on other people's work just floating along in the Universe looking for some healthy energetic creative productive being to land on and suck that Light one down to a quivering doubting little heap.
QOP engaging in political astrology so much now and I miss her. She was the only real connection I have made on the internet except for Jude Cowell. I think I know how she feels-the Dems are such sell outs will not fight for anyone and the one who seemed to be fighting is a bloated millionaire, Grayson, who just can't be serious and talk as if he is a grown-up.
I am lonely for the connection I felt earlier and I suppose now I will need to write here until I am good at saying what is on my mind and somehow draw those I admire and get along with to my site.
I miss Joyce but realize that relationship there is simply impossibe: always holding my breath waiting for her to start on "ol grandma in her rocking chair" and dissing me because Steve is young and all my grandkids are aroound and as she said "that's why you have your NasCar loving redneck sister around." I think more even than the insults it was that dig about my sister who is disabled has been for years and has no one but me that finally absolutely tore it for me. And for that matter for anyone else in my life who might look down on me for what I attempt for family. I would ask anyone "And how many people of the 7+billion on the planet know you? And of them how many love you and will give you shelter?" Yes!! I thought so. So why not start now to mend things with your family if you can and begin now to build something together if for no other reason than that "darkening of the light".
Joyce is a drunk and drunks will sooner or later choose their poison over anything unless they enter wholeheartedly into treatment and go through a spiritual renewal. Sadlky part oif the spiritual renewal may mean facing the fact that most people do not like us,at least that was part of what happened for me. I had to rrealize that there is a coarseness in me ,a harshness that msot find off putting. Wish that was not so but there we are.
My mother and all of my friends born in 1953 have Saturn in Libra. Love these folk because they are fair if a little stuck-up because they "get it" that they have the best understanding of the situation.
I have had the flu-kick in the ass sick in bed flu. Horrible depression to go along: I always get depressed when I have the flu or cold seems to me that depression is part of the attack from the godless little creatures we call viruses. I remember reading about them in Biology 1 and commenting that I now understood evil-these little fuckers dtotally live on other people's work just floating along in the Universe looking for some healthy energetic creative productive being to land on and suck that Light one down to a quivering doubting little heap.
QOP engaging in political astrology so much now and I miss her. She was the only real connection I have made on the internet except for Jude Cowell. I think I know how she feels-the Dems are such sell outs will not fight for anyone and the one who seemed to be fighting is a bloated millionaire, Grayson, who just can't be serious and talk as if he is a grown-up.
I am lonely for the connection I felt earlier and I suppose now I will need to write here until I am good at saying what is on my mind and somehow draw those I admire and get along with to my site.
I miss Joyce but realize that relationship there is simply impossibe: always holding my breath waiting for her to start on "ol grandma in her rocking chair" and dissing me because Steve is young and all my grandkids are aroound and as she said "that's why you have your NasCar loving redneck sister around." I think more even than the insults it was that dig about my sister who is disabled has been for years and has no one but me that finally absolutely tore it for me. And for that matter for anyone else in my life who might look down on me for what I attempt for family. I would ask anyone "And how many people of the 7+billion on the planet know you? And of them how many love you and will give you shelter?" Yes!! I thought so. So why not start now to mend things with your family if you can and begin now to build something together if for no other reason than that "darkening of the light".
Joyce is a drunk and drunks will sooner or later choose their poison over anything unless they enter wholeheartedly into treatment and go through a spiritual renewal. Sadlky part oif the spiritual renewal may mean facing the fact that most people do not like us,at least that was part of what happened for me. I had to rrealize that there is a coarseness in me ,a harshness that msot find off putting. Wish that was not so but there we are.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
10/20/09-an aside about my relationship to money
(just this week did I finally "get" that "it" HAS NEVER BEEN AN ISSUE OF NOT HAVING MONEY BUT OF BEING UNABLE TO "FEED" THE HUNGER THAT ARISES FROM ENVY AND JEALOUSY. Well thank god this is simply my story what a narcissitic rant there but I am so excited to finally realize that I always have had the money but just couldn't realize it. I believed the stories about how poor I was because of..........
Tuesday 10/20/2009
So what I was trying to say yesterday is that I believe Joyce has started drinking again nad part of her drinking is meaness. This time when whe sarted on me and and the family: I didn't graduate from high school (ignore my A average at Laney and Lone Mountain), my daughter didn't either but yes she did while working as a waitress in order to have some $$$ since my wages as a welfare worker only covered the basics. Then now my grand daughter isn't graduating but yes she will get a piece of paper so that she can go on to school at City College in Berkeley and learn things she never heard of and my grand daughter is refined and gentle and beautiful even is she weighs more than is currently approved.
At any rate Joyce simply kept up the attack,it started by comparing me to her sister Jean and when I objected the war was on. I can't keep up with this and told her not to write and I feel such a loss. We had a wonderful time as long tome friends after her collapse and the County Social Worker enterd in and got her in a good place and Social Security and food stamps and the County payed her rent for three months and got her good medical suppport (she was hospitalized nine days for what is probably pancreatitis,etc). But I did hear the meaness creeping back in-seeing April again who is successful in the way that Joyce wanted but for which she never had the focus-she blames her mother for not supporting her in the middle-class way of her friends.
Joyce married a young, middle-class boy as he went off to Berkeley (UC),she was pregnant. their baby was gorn with severe deformities, the intestines had developed on the outside and the baby lived a few days and then died. Now those babies are routinely saved but not in 1966 or whatever. I still hang the painting,tempura, of Joyce and her child, a true Madonna and child, in my bedroom. I feel blessed by the presence of the painting and Joyce didnot. At any rate back to myself and my unfolding relationship to Joyce. Joyce married "up" even received a wedding present for Lionel Pauling,the vitamin C guy. She has always been refined and even showing some 11th house energy although her chart is not highlighted in that way but she has innate good taste and artisitc energy and people of the middle-class, the bourgeouis have been drawn to her. But like myself she always needed money and would end up with complications around money in these relationships ( I learned finally in the "80's in a relationship with two different "millionaires" that many folk get wealthy due to an inordinate love of money and they only let go of it when they want to-in other words in my estemation the truly wealthy are the stingiest of anyone and that quality of loving money is how they grew wealthy. That was hard for me to "get".
Jeez!! I just want to write about myself when ever I think of Joyce-real shadow stuff here. I am tired now more later.
At any rate Joyce simply kept up the attack,it started by comparing me to her sister Jean and when I objected the war was on. I can't keep up with this and told her not to write and I feel such a loss. We had a wonderful time as long tome friends after her collapse and the County Social Worker enterd in and got her in a good place and Social Security and food stamps and the County payed her rent for three months and got her good medical suppport (she was hospitalized nine days for what is probably pancreatitis,etc). But I did hear the meaness creeping back in-seeing April again who is successful in the way that Joyce wanted but for which she never had the focus-she blames her mother for not supporting her in the middle-class way of her friends.
Joyce married a young, middle-class boy as he went off to Berkeley (UC),she was pregnant. their baby was gorn with severe deformities, the intestines had developed on the outside and the baby lived a few days and then died. Now those babies are routinely saved but not in 1966 or whatever. I still hang the painting,tempura, of Joyce and her child, a true Madonna and child, in my bedroom. I feel blessed by the presence of the painting and Joyce didnot. At any rate back to myself and my unfolding relationship to Joyce. Joyce married "up" even received a wedding present for Lionel Pauling,the vitamin C guy. She has always been refined and even showing some 11th house energy although her chart is not highlighted in that way but she has innate good taste and artisitc energy and people of the middle-class, the bourgeouis have been drawn to her. But like myself she always needed money and would end up with complications around money in these relationships ( I learned finally in the "80's in a relationship with two different "millionaires" that many folk get wealthy due to an inordinate love of money and they only let go of it when they want to-in other words in my estemation the truly wealthy are the stingiest of anyone and that quality of loving money is how they grew wealthy. That was hard for me to "get".
Jeez!! I just want to write about myself when ever I think of Joyce-real shadow stuff here. I am tired now more later.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Monday 10/19/2009
The last days of Libra and I hear rain dripping outside. No storm but water from the heavens and the leaves are wet and brown and yellow and red.
J of her rocker again can only imagine that she grew so horribly lonely that she hit the booze again and here it comes. I imagine her evil cruel bitterness is something like what drove everyone out of Brautigan's life so that he was dead for sometime before anyone knew it. I wonder if her early life with her mother and father were so full of anger and pain that she has never been able to recover.
I also wonder if stories of family and friends eating,talking even with pain and fear,etc set her off.
J of her rocker again can only imagine that she grew so horribly lonely that she hit the booze again and here it comes. I imagine her evil cruel bitterness is something like what drove everyone out of Brautigan's life so that he was dead for sometime before anyone knew it. I wonder if her early life with her mother and father were so full of anger and pain that she has never been able to recover.
I also wonder if stories of family and friends eating,talking even with pain and fear,etc set her off.
Friday, October 16, 2009
10/16/2009 FRIDAY
I do like to read when the typing is all in capitals and that certainly covers up the gaps in my grammar but the capitals in this type is so broad that it appears as though I am reading emergancy instructions. Not pleasant so here I go weaknesses and all.
I have stopped writing here because I realize that others can read this too so if I am to write everyday as I love to I need to discipline myself to objective themes even if perhaps the inspiration may be deeply personal. Sun trined by transitting Saturn as it moves into Libra isof huge import Sun trined by transitting Saturn as it moves into Libra isof huge import for the world. Libra-Libra is ruled by Venus and Saturn is exalted in Libra and Mars is debilitated here. I "know" that I have been dreaming of this-trouble in the office, someone is sick and this impacts us all-"he" is charming and attracting but still the work must get done-"offuce: is the 6th ghouse- the house of the job as versus the careerfor the world. Libra-Libra is ruled by Venus and Saturn is exalted in Libra and Mars is debilitated here. I "know" that I have been dreaming of this-trouble in the office, someone is sick and this impacts us all-"he" is charming and attracting but still the work must get done-"offuce: is the 6th ghouse- the house of the job as versus the career-sick one of the players-look up transits. Well after a small interuption-I looked up my transits wondering why I wasd reaming so strongly about the 6th house,etc-wow.
More later nut Mars conjunct Lunar South Node.
I have stopped writing here because I realize that others can read this too so if I am to write everyday as I love to I need to discipline myself to objective themes even if perhaps the inspiration may be deeply personal. Sun trined by transitting Saturn as it moves into Libra isof huge import Sun trined by transitting Saturn as it moves into Libra isof huge import for the world. Libra-Libra is ruled by Venus and Saturn is exalted in Libra and Mars is debilitated here. I "know" that I have been dreaming of this-trouble in the office, someone is sick and this impacts us all-"he" is charming and attracting but still the work must get done-"offuce: is the 6th ghouse- the house of the job as versus the careerfor the world. Libra-Libra is ruled by Venus and Saturn is exalted in Libra and Mars is debilitated here. I "know" that I have been dreaming of this-trouble in the office, someone is sick and this impacts us all-"he" is charming and attracting but still the work must get done-"offuce: is the 6th ghouse- the house of the job as versus the career-sick one of the players-look up transits. Well after a small interuption-I looked up my transits wondering why I wasd reaming so strongly about the 6th house,etc-wow.
More later nut Mars conjunct Lunar South Node.
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Tuesday 10/6/2009
The family sleeps on but the kittens and I are not asleep. The kittens now growl when given raw meat and they TOOK beautiful Bebe's hamburger and she just stood there looking at them. Some instinct in her won't allow her to be mean to them even though she never had the opportunity to be a mother. I am at the point of imagining having four cats. Not a good thing but oh well!! I would have said no but I couldn't get my no to override Courtney or Steve so here goes. Steve at least is wonderful and will always be responsible for the kitties.
So the change is in: The Arabs,the Chinese, the Japanese are dropping the dollar for petro trading. Now begins the end of America the Great Mother/Father of the Universe. I am "seeing" us as lovers of justice,as lovers of knowledge and culture and of us as people willing to share. Right Clymela!! Maybe not now but by 2020? I don't know bbut so much money has been squandered on military dreams and conquest that that impetus will not be easily changed although some do refer to an immediate change of heart. Very few of the military/money people are true sociopaths most are like me or anyone else simply following the direction of their instincts. Some of us are born warriors,bankers,doctors,priests, artists,scholars and we want to do our work ,have a family, and join in the community work of the day.
So I am slowly changing the way i eat. Increasingly I turn away from the "dead" food-white sugar/processed corn syrup. Slowly I turn away from huge desserts, from platters of fried food and from platters period-I am eating more normal servings learning once again what 4oz/1 cup/2 tablespoons looks like. I was so captured by the idea of myself as fat,born fat, going to end up fat.that I lost the Self I was building in my 20's. The fact is that I was slender from age 12 on until I lost my way around age 30 and even then I continued to reach slimness again until age 50 or so. Menopause hit hard and I just gave up.
Now in my 60's with granchildren living with us and a partner that at last I respect, after years of settling for anyone who found me attractive and love and who stimulates my erotic instinct and living in a community with gardens,old Berkeley folk I am returning to that long neglected Self. Seems that the first step is order in my eating.
I want to write on the process of undoing the racism I learned growing up. Hard stuff of Chiron in the 7th oppose Mars in the 1st and square Saturn in the 4th. I have faced the demand awkwardley and with a self destructardly lean but I have done it and continue to do it.
So the change is in: The Arabs,the Chinese, the Japanese are dropping the dollar for petro trading. Now begins the end of America the Great Mother/Father of the Universe. I am "seeing" us as lovers of justice,as lovers of knowledge and culture and of us as people willing to share. Right Clymela!! Maybe not now but by 2020? I don't know bbut so much money has been squandered on military dreams and conquest that that impetus will not be easily changed although some do refer to an immediate change of heart. Very few of the military/money people are true sociopaths most are like me or anyone else simply following the direction of their instincts. Some of us are born warriors,bankers,doctors,priests, artists,scholars and we want to do our work ,have a family, and join in the community work of the day.
So I am slowly changing the way i eat. Increasingly I turn away from the "dead" food-white sugar/processed corn syrup. Slowly I turn away from huge desserts, from platters of fried food and from platters period-I am eating more normal servings learning once again what 4oz/1 cup/2 tablespoons looks like. I was so captured by the idea of myself as fat,born fat, going to end up fat.that I lost the Self I was building in my 20's. The fact is that I was slender from age 12 on until I lost my way around age 30 and even then I continued to reach slimness again until age 50 or so. Menopause hit hard and I just gave up.
Now in my 60's with granchildren living with us and a partner that at last I respect, after years of settling for anyone who found me attractive and love and who stimulates my erotic instinct and living in a community with gardens,old Berkeley folk I am returning to that long neglected Self. Seems that the first step is order in my eating.
I want to write on the process of undoing the racism I learned growing up. Hard stuff of Chiron in the 7th oppose Mars in the 1st and square Saturn in the 4th. I have faced the demand awkwardley and with a self destructardly lean but I have done it and continue to do it.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Nonday 10/05/2009
So many changes that I haven't been able to write or even think about refining this process so that I will be "composing essays".
Annmarie moved to Oakland and I scored by acquiring her huge oak cabinet/kitchen pantry/entertainment center and got it along with washer and dryer and odds and ends and getting them in out place has caused major disruption.
OH and we now have three kittens inherited from Courtney who had rescued them from the place where she stayed temporarily. Now she lives here with kitties and boyfriend and we welcome them even though we complain about the late adolescent messes and irresponsibility,etc.
QOP talking about living in love rather than fear and I am watching for fear thoughts especially the ones from childhood when I was taunted with hateful words regarding my father from bullies and I was constantly called "Fattie". Have come to see that these experiences turned to self-negating beliefs that came out to undo all my efforts at the 1st qtr progressed moon of 79/80. I made terrible decisions then -moving to Marin with mean Corina,going back to school with only welfare to support us and one disasterous sex fling after another and rather than just keep on plugging along I disolved into obisity and self-hatred. This era has colored everything since then even the 2nd progressed new Moon a few years back. So.... this is where healing is occuring by changing the way I think about myself and about life.
Annmarie moved to Oakland and I scored by acquiring her huge oak cabinet/kitchen pantry/entertainment center and got it along with washer and dryer and odds and ends and getting them in out place has caused major disruption.
OH and we now have three kittens inherited from Courtney who had rescued them from the place where she stayed temporarily. Now she lives here with kitties and boyfriend and we welcome them even though we complain about the late adolescent messes and irresponsibility,etc.
QOP talking about living in love rather than fear and I am watching for fear thoughts especially the ones from childhood when I was taunted with hateful words regarding my father from bullies and I was constantly called "Fattie". Have come to see that these experiences turned to self-negating beliefs that came out to undo all my efforts at the 1st qtr progressed moon of 79/80. I made terrible decisions then -moving to Marin with mean Corina,going back to school with only welfare to support us and one disasterous sex fling after another and rather than just keep on plugging along I disolved into obisity and self-hatred. This era has colored everything since then even the 2nd progressed new Moon a few years back. So.... this is where healing is occuring by changing the way I think about myself and about life.
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