Tuesday 10/20/2009

So what I was trying to say yesterday is that I believe Joyce has started drinking again nad part of her drinking is meaness. This time when whe sarted on me and and the family: I didn't graduate from high school (ignore my A average at Laney and Lone Mountain), my daughter didn't either but yes she did while working as a waitress in order to have some $$$ since my wages as a welfare worker only covered the basics. Then now my grand daughter isn't graduating but yes she will get a piece of paper so that she can go on to school at City College in Berkeley and learn things she never heard of and my grand daughter is refined and gentle and beautiful even is she weighs more than is currently approved.
At any rate Joyce simply kept up the attack,it started by comparing me to her sister Jean and when I objected the war was on. I can't keep up with this and told her not to write and I feel such a loss. We had a wonderful time as long tome friends after her collapse and the County Social Worker enterd in and got her in a good place and Social Security and food stamps and the County payed her rent for three months and got her good medical suppport (she was hospitalized nine days for what is probably pancreatitis,etc). But I did hear the meaness creeping back in-seeing April again who is successful in the way that Joyce wanted but for which she never had the focus-she blames her mother for not supporting her in the middle-class way of her friends.
Joyce married a young, middle-class boy as he went off to Berkeley (UC),she was pregnant. their baby was gorn with severe deformities, the intestines had developed on the outside and the baby lived a few days and then died. Now those babies are routinely saved but not in 1966 or whatever. I still hang the painting,tempura, of Joyce and her child, a true Madonna and child, in my bedroom. I feel blessed by the presence of the painting and Joyce didnot. At any rate back to myself and my unfolding relationship to Joyce. Joyce married "up" even received a wedding present for Lionel Pauling,the vitamin C guy. She has always been refined and even showing some 11th house energy although her chart is not highlighted in that way but she has innate good taste and artisitc energy and people of the middle-class, the bourgeouis have been drawn to her. But like myself she always needed money and would end up with complications around money in these relationships ( I learned finally in the "80's in a relationship with two different "millionaires" that many folk get wealthy due to an inordinate love of money and they only let go of it when they want to-in other words in my estemation the truly wealthy are the stingiest of anyone and that quality of loving money is how they grew wealthy. That was hard for me to "get".
Jeez!! I just want to write about myself when ever I think of Joyce-real shadow stuff here. I am tired now more later.