Tuesday 10/6/2009

The family sleeps on but the kittens and I are not asleep. The kittens now growl when given raw meat and they TOOK beautiful Bebe's hamburger and she just stood there looking at them. Some instinct in her won't allow her to be mean to them even though she never had the opportunity to be a mother. I am at the point of imagining having four cats. Not a good thing but oh well!! I would have said no but I couldn't get my no to override Courtney or Steve so here goes. Steve at least is wonderful and will always be responsible for the kitties.
So the change is in: The Arabs,the Chinese, the Japanese are dropping the dollar for petro trading. Now begins the end of America the Great Mother/Father of the Universe. I am "seeing" us as lovers of justice,as lovers of knowledge and culture and of us as people willing to share. Right Clymela!! Maybe not now but by 2020? I don't know bbut so much money has been squandered on military dreams and conquest that that impetus will not be easily changed although some do refer to an immediate change of heart. Very few of the military/money people are true sociopaths most are like me or anyone else simply following the direction of their instincts. Some of us are born warriors,bankers,doctors,priests, artists,scholars and we want to do our work ,have a family, and join in the community work of the day.
So I am slowly changing the way i eat. Increasingly I turn away from the "dead" food-white sugar/processed corn syrup. Slowly I turn away from huge desserts, from platters of fried food and from platters period-I am eating more normal servings learning once again what 4oz/1 cup/2 tablespoons looks like. I was so captured by the idea of myself as fat,born fat, going to end up fat.that I lost the Self I was building in my 20's. The fact is that I was slender from age 12 on until I lost my way around age 30 and even then I continued to reach slimness again until age 50 or so. Menopause hit hard and I just gave up.
Now in my 60's with granchildren living with us and a partner that at last I respect, after years of settling for anyone who found me attractive and love and who stimulates my erotic instinct and living in a community with gardens,old Berkeley folk I am returning to that long neglected Self. Seems that the first step is order in my eating.
I want to write on the process of undoing the racism I learned growing up. Hard stuff of Chiron in the 7th oppose Mars in the 1st and square Saturn in the 4th. I have faced the demand awkwardley and with a self destructardly lean but I have done it and continue to do it.