01/06/2010

01/04/10
This is where I am re: Christianity the religion of my people and of my beginnings. Christianity that has shaped and colored everything. What I have avoided saying is that I don't believe any of this any more-I don't believe in Jesus,I don't believe in the Nicene Creed, I don't believe the things that are said in Jesus name.
I continue to love Mary I know that Mary saved my life and would have helped sooner but I had a lot further to go on my path before I could accept the truth of my own heart.
I know that for me all that was necessary to discipline me was the expression of disappointment from my peers and elders. No need to fill me with ideas of eternal damnation,etc and there was none of this in my home. I encountered this in church and extended family and school but not at home and there was no need to scare me that much.
My brother or half-brother as people say is to be buried today. He had just turned 66 no doubt unwilling to go on for another year or with this life. I didn't know him and never would have been able to know him. Christian conservative with a high note of rage just under the skin. Moon and Venus in Scorpio for this powerful Capricorn with Pluto less than a degree from the NNode having just experienced the full conjunction very recently. Whooa!! poor little boy. Perhaps some would look at that and say he must have been a murderer in a previous life. I don't know about that but I do know that he suffered miserably in his life wanting love and not getting it living through abandonment and wondering why.

I relived this for my mother-I abandoned my childern and their pain and reality were lived out on stage for all to see and feel. I DID this and everyone knew what I had done -this is who I am to this day. I never could understand this what it meant Moon less than a degree from Pluto and now this is coming clear,arriving in my conscious life as part of what I am. Moon /Pluto-the trashy part of me. Dana Gephardt once said something to the effect that no one wants those trash Pluto types as neighbors and it was one of those trash Pluto types who was reading her Of course I would never consult her as an astrologer. that reminds me of that horrible friend of Kimn's who I consulted who simply entered into war with me so outraged was she by my chart. Well I learned to say FUCK!! long ago and she and women like her cannot guide me nor direct me because they have no idea of who I am. I had to go deeper. look longer for guidance. I had to accept my own load of sin, I had no hope of placing the blame on anyone else. I had gone too far for the "big girls" to help. Kims's friend had so much fun pointing out that there is nothing good going on in my chart and true to her traditional astrology there is not but once you add in Uranus and Neptune and Pluto the picture changes.


Wheew! Still pissed at that woman. WOW talk about bitterness and seething. Well I just wouldn't ever go back to her and will always suspect her of hiding her own dirt.

The past few days I have been accepting J's designation of me as trailer trash. I have owned that-trashy, shallow folk. None of the fussing, bothering mothering going on here. I remember how shocked I was by Darlene Brollier scolding Cheri because Cheri's friend had sneaked a second peach. At my house my mother would have asked if the child wanted another peach but Darlene ran a much tighter ship and she was preparing to do some canning for her large family. I was shocked and angered-hmmmm-perhaps the square between Mars and Moon/Pluto and oppose Chiron. Anger and sorrow and curiosity to know why she took such a different position than my mother would have. She frightened me somewhat or rather a lot. always when I encountered the nosey,obsessive bourgeois mother I reacted with anger and contempt but also secretly with longing because it is the obsessive,detail oriented, nosiness of mother's that I lacked and needed but when my father attempted to apply this I would fly into ungovernable rages/tantrums and he would in the end give-up and then of course my life took the well known path. HooHooh1 Yep! ungovernable and headed straight for trouble. angry, resentful,etc.

OH! HOLY MOTHER OF TEARS

I found a sister on the internet. she writes a blog entitled "Our Lady of the Red Thread" the Shiloh Sophia Journal. After all this time I come across a woman who appears to be a sister.

I am hopeful that I can pull myself out of the pit by touching her hem as she passes. Hmmm straight out of the stories of the New Testament. I am not I pray expected to believe in the christian myth as it is understood and practiced among the faithful here in the US.

I am going away now to read her in more depth. More about her later I am sure.