1/31/2010

So this morning I felt the sadness that my father must have felt when he realized that he not only had melanoma but that the melanoma had won. I felt such a wave of grief and defeat. started out by reading Robert Frost describing the death in life by describing the sight of a spider on an herb holding a white moth that appeared to be a piece of white satin. I was first judgmental of him for seeing evil in that vision but on second reading I think I realized that he was not judging but rather seeing Hecate as she is. I shuddered knowing, as we do I believe, that I will play every one of the roles before this journey is won.HHHMMM?! "JOURNEY IS WON" from this one who so hates competition. well I so hate the thought of death that I find it evil. Howard Zinn and J D Salinger passed this week and Robert B. Parker last week and this week the Sunday Chronicle has a column about Herb Caen of whom I have been thinking and of how different life here was when he was here to write about it and by 'here' I mean San Francisco.
One day I was on the 3 Jackson as was Herb Caen and he was quietly flirting or assessing me. I wanted to say "Hi" but I was too shy. I was young still maybe twenty seven or so on my way to see Rick-well maybe younger because I didn't have a car so maybe 26 or so. He wasn't rude or indiscreet but i knew that he was enjoying me. God that sounds yuckie but it wasn't like that just something from my youth.
OOHH!! I don't like to write about that any more-the part about being pretty and sexually attractive but with a maligned Mars that points to "bad teeth" and facial scars,body scars,early pregnancy, early tragedy, crimes committed and although not "revealed" the payment was taken out on my body. Whooo!!?? do I want this printed? think not although this is not anything that I don't actually think but still--this is for the insides to know and to release into something so outside doesn't feel right.
On review I don't see why I can't say such things in letters-it is not as if I think like this on these things everyday but this sure is getting home with me-the devastating Mars square Saturn with Saturn square Chiron which is opposing Mars and this is all taking place, the Mars oppose Chiron. right on the ascendant/descendant axis. Definitely some karma there and don't I know it. Unending sorrow over aggressiveness in hunting down that which I love or desire. The square of both to Saturn in the fourth-once the pain of never knowing what to do or what to believe or what I am capable of.etc and of "being a quitter or what the British call the"bolter"has in old age now( I am at the dawning of the Crone stage-I welcome this. I was born to be old!!)turned to wisdom with joy found in house keeping and writing and reading and walking. Still not enough money to feel comfortable "a hen scratches the ground for food with which to feed her chicks."The degree at the fery bottom of my chart. A repeating theme and it is mine.