11/30/2009

There was a shocking mass murder of four cops in the Seattle area-Tacoma I believe. The authorities are looking for a man , Maurice Clemons,he was first sent to prison for 89 years in Arkansas for burglary and was released in 2000 by gov Huckabee. He has had a business and evidently was married and there are children. Well his family reports that he has been losing his mind thinking that he is Jesus in the flesh and making his wife and daughters undress and walk around naked, No one of course will respond to the complaints of his family nor would they treat him as a dangerous mentally ill human being. Now they think he is the murderer of the cops and they are hunting him down. This makes me sick-I see so much here because we no longer treat the mentally ill we call them criminals and hunt them down and say "well they knew right from wrong" and therefore we will just send them to prison. I wonder what it will take for this crazy society to start once again to care for the mentally ill with compassion. Perhaps we never have but this is so wrong.

11/29/09 HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMY

Love to rise early and write while everyone sleeps. What I write here is journaling and I do it because I like to and I believe that no one is looking still I pull my punches and don't write with the blunt openess I would if I KNEW no one would ever catch this. HMMM???!!! Perhaps I should move over to one of the programs I have for writing but without a connection to the internet. I am reminded of the dream while wworking with Rick-I was in the old rusty building behind the old maids house in Moscow,KS-I was showing off and Rick was observing me.
Jim, once suggested that I turn to essay writing-I could do that on the internet but my daily personal stuff should be private. I felt private but I see that I am found on GOOGLE. Of course I have known that and ignored it but now I wonder if I don't want to make a change and only write cleaned up essays and save the personal stuff for my own computer.

Saturday 11/28/09

Tomorrow "my baby" turns 40-wow how old am I? She cries plaintively from her rocking chair. Much sorrow there for my beloved Aimee (Amy) a life of sorrow tossed over for crystal meth perhaps the most lethal drug ever invented although my daughter was calmed down before the date-rape drugs showed up. Ruined her l life while giving the illusion that she was getting somewhere-she also had a terrible time having Arvin that caused heart trouble (enlarged heart from the labor which the doctor let unfold because she was a Medi-Cal patient and therefore not worth the money to do C-section. Yes I do believe this is what happened.
Missed Joyce yesterday always think of her during the Thanksgiving through Christmas period. I spent many Harwood holidays with her during my years of pioneer woman solitude. As I am now I would have done things differently but I was in my 20's then and in the time of my progressed new moon.
Jim Shere just came to mind now too. He lives up north in Glen Ellen. He and I were so close although not lovers-we did not suit each other-and that closeness of course dissolved once he found his wonderful third wife. During that marriage his mother died of lung cancer which metastasized while she was on a cruise to China and he and his wife had two daughters. He "gave up" astrology and would never explain why and I just "gave up" on him-there was something so cold and brutal in that act and his unwillingness to speak on it that I could never trust him again. HMMMM-I no doubt would have turned this into a couple of paragraphs but I want to continue flow of consciousness here. When I left California to stay with my family during my father's last illness (cancer-melanoma)I made arrangements to go see him, Jim, at his office and I STOOD HIM UP!! something that shocked and troubled me. I would never treat Jim Shere that way but I did!! Wtiting this morning I "felt" the connection between his abandoning astrology and therefore me and "abandoning" him when I left. UHMM! I feel back home again in my own skin and with my one-time friend.
On AW one regular, Grizzly, wrote requesting help finding work and moving and interestingly his birthdate fo 8/17/1948 so close to Steve Back that I saw Steve in a way that I could not when I was in love with him. I just sort of ignored his Mars/Neptune conjunction squared with Venus in Cancer. Jeez-talk about a non-settling man-Grizzly settled in Europe and the last I heard of Steve he was flying small aircraft in Oklahoma.
This is really a morning of laying my ghosts to rest-interesting. Uranus in Pisces in my 12th preparing to move into Aries.Well not quite preparing 25th degree.
I really like Valerie,Shawn's wife and the mother of his son's. She is blunt and kind and a wonderful mother. Evidently Shawn has no interest in her sexually and is unkind which would fall into his family patterns from Ed and Wayne-withdrawn and critical. I will keep talking to her and get to know her and I plan to go out and visit them. 3000 miles is quite a distance.
Sometimes I use paper plates because there are so many eating and so few cleaning-Buffy and I cleaning. This year the beloved softly woven bamboo paper plate holders have been unavailable and the only holders available are ugly,ugly palstic ones that pickup grease and must therefor be washed off-yuck and why bother why not just stick with real plates which I guess is the idea.
I wondered if the lack of the bamboo holders is not the result of some Green Financial activity to force me into doing dishes. Trees must be used at some point in making paper plates and so if only the expensive plates can be used without a holder and I and most mothers/grandmothers don't want to spend that kind of money on paper plates we will go back to using real plates and washing them. I told my sister that I would consider a portable dish washer with a chopping block top so that I would have more counter space as well as getting the dishes done. Well as I write I realize the lack of the bamboo holders is probably the result of Dixie or someone else making the heavy paper plates. Or maybe they come from where there has been terrible nature events and there is no one left to make them.
Have to go to the store now. Hope I can get back to this later. Wanted to write about what I saw as the karma of our leaving Kansas-we were going to have to or Buffy and I would have ended up married to farmers for which we were temperamentally unsuited. Perhaps nothing could have prevented the tragedy of our teenage years-we were too far gone in the corruption-the spoiling and the rot.I realized that my parents thought that I was beautiful and talented but actually I was always a strong B student/girl. Not ugly, not stupid but not like Cheri or Sheila and my mother was pushing me so hard that we had to leave. I think that my mother wanted the inclusion she had had as a property owners daughter and a hard working smart girl but in those days of the McCarthy era we could never live down Mama's humiliation and she let me run all over town-evidently I was a demanding, nerve racking child and she was relieved to not see or hear me. Buffy concurs with me in these memories.

Friday after Thanksgiving-again

I stupidly moved to GOOGLE without going to another page and that caused Blogger to put my writing into draft and I cannot get it out and this funky free system won't allow me to copy and paste into this new post. I am so frustrated I will go work on the kitchen and get ready for the boys.
One thing that I do want to state though is that after around 5 weeks of vitamin therapy-strong B complex, strong Chromium and Evening Primrose I am noticing a real change in my energy. I feel better than I have in years-that dragging feeling is gone and I feel perky actually
Well off to see what the bank says about money and to make a list for the cooking today-the boys will be here for a couple of days.

11/24/09

The day before Thanksgiving. How I would love to be grown up with Mama and Hazel Hendrickson and Aunt Hazel and Aunt Cecil and Aunt Maggie and Barbara. God how I loved those women and I still stand and cook in the manner I learned in my body from them. I imagine that I will miss them the rest of my days. I try not to spend too much time in memories-there be dragons there-I can get caught in the past and stir up depression that way.
Weird times here as I think I wrote before. Amy and Arthur are going to his family since it will be his first Thanksgiving home in years. I thought that Courtney would be here but that is up i n the air. Courtney is p.oed because I didn't like her attitude regarding the money she wants from me for a rave on 11/28/09. In total I am shoveling out around $100 (a little more). I told her that she is spending all my Christmas budget for her and she got pissy. then I really landed on J. who drinks my kitchen sherry,etc. who seems to live to get intoxicated. I am so over this with them and they will have to go or rather J. must go back home and Courtney can stay but she has to come out of her stupor. Seemingly all C. wants to do is party all day/night long. She has gained a huge amount of weight and therefore I know that she is stuck. Perhaps she will need to get REALLY PISSED in order to launch herself into the world and get moving towards education and earning a living.
Arvin has been troubling-absolutely stuffed with puberty. He is totally mercenary with S and I-says he loves us in order to get money and gifts. He is quite crude in that way and we were shocked and hurt and then I started to worry. Worry about his spiritual development and then I remembered other boys at that stage and yes they are little shits and only girls their own age can handle them. Arvin is insecure and worried about fitting in and being desirable.
Most of this short week wrapped up in watching Obama increase the size of our war on Afghanistan/ Sick over this and the details of all the hideous things we do in the world to maintain our position on top. Bullies, vicious killers I guess from the beginning I don't know but I am amazed that we don't do any collective deep work just want to remain children and go to parades and celebrate the soldiers and feel so proud that we are the best.

11/22/2009

Alone early in the morning. Steve went back to sleep after awakening and feeling depressed and cold,so cold that he shut off his desk fan. The young ones are sound asleep as one would expect after staying up until the "wee hours".
Today the anniversary of the Kennedy assassination-no one has mentioned it on the TV. I think that is weird-part of changing out memories I guess. I know that most of those who were there are dead now and I guess those who know what really happened are relieved that even those such as myself,age 16 at the time, are moving on and soon those on stage will have no direct memories of that brutal day.
I no longer believe in the lone gunman-not because I have a belief in the grassy knoll shooters,I don't know about that but it is the fact that Jack Ruby was related to the man he shot who was charged with being the assassin-Oswald and Oswald multilple trips to Russia and Cuba is weird for that Cold War period when we were all afraid of Communists as well we should have been with Stalin who slaughtered thousands even millions.
HMMM-while I was writing that I had a thought of forgiveness for those who play in those brutal, hideous games of power and control. I have been so alienated from my country after finding out that the government and the military and the universities do not function on the moral compass that I use and have always used even when I failed to measure up to those points-the ten commandments and the love of Jesus.
Some say that the governments are working to reduce the population by viruses. I am concerned about the constant drum beat of hatred of the obesity that is caused mostly by the cheap foods available here in the US. Cheap and easy food primed with the fat,salt and sugar we naturally crave. I have a dark fantasy of people being dragged off to "health camps" to get over their obesity and they are never heard of again.
Obesity and smoking are now mostly found in the "working classes"and I see this highlighted in the corporate media and people fall for this. Just go listen in offices all over and you will hear it from those who don't fall into either hated class-fat smokers."
Okay my paranoia "recorded and duly noted". And also "duly noted" my growing maturity and forgiveness that is a spiritual gift I think from years of praying and meditating and wondering about myself and those I have known.
I remember one woman I knew she was living with someone I knew from work and liked. They were a bougie couple, raised in the middel-classd traditions of marrying up and acquiring property and being ever vigilant regarding mores and styles, judgemental always on the lookout for someone above or below their own station.
Well I have been so long away from the keyboard I forgot the point of that paragraph.
I just got whammied in my dear little modest self: I just received word that someone,we will call her D, who was once a lover and whom I left for R.,my black lover with whom I lived for 6+ years,a truck driving, drug using, alcoholic who was domineering and manipulative and a sex addict but at least he was a man. Well that needs further development later on but D. I have just learned that she, D., inherited $400,000 and her mother's house. I was stopped quiet, overwhelmed by envy wishing that I could have just a little of that inheritance, a little of the ease.
I hear that she is gambling which is very frightening given her life long struggle with drugs and alcohol and sex addictions. Oh jeez she can really get hurt gambling. My daughter said Mama, the gambling thing is worse than the crack epidemic, which I guessed when I heard about penny slot machines.
So any way back to my envy-reduced me to tears. Not a pretty picture but so accurate. Envy and jealousy plain and true.
Going out in a bit with J. to the Albany booksale and then to lunch. I am so far from an inheritance that J is treating me to lunch. J. didn't get the humor in our cooking our Thanksgiving turkey today becuase we are broke still didn't get the humor in our decision to cook ham for Thanksgiving so that we can have all the favorite traditional dishes-greens,sweet potatoes,rolls,cranberries, scalloped potatoes in honor of the ham,desserts-cherry pie, chocolate pie, pumpkin pie and pickled things. At any rate Judy offered her turkey but I said that we don't want two turkeys in one week, that I am just grateful for the frozen turkey that has been there for about three weeks.

Saturday 11/21/09

UMHH! Reading at FDL "Pull Up A Chair" without my beloved Christ Hardin Smith who has had to retire due to Lupus(?)and a new child, still I love the talk of food and cooking and traditions,etc. ths time about everyone going to grandma's house and "feeling" that I didn't have a grandma. I had Aunt Hazel,Aunt Cecil and Aunt Ukidene and they all lived in Oklahoma and there was always a coldness there that I now know was because my mother conceived a child and gave birth in 1943 and the child was given up for adoption and this was all kept from my father who would have understood ironically.Thsi all came out in about 1993 when the child now a man finally was able to track Mama down. I believe that he thought he would embarrass her but we are not that kind of family.
At any rate the talk of families getting together hurt today. Amy is going to Arthur's family, Barbara is gone to New Mexico and Judy is going to her family in Santa Cruz and so we will have a small family dinner with way too much food which we will eat all week until we grow weary of warming up gravy and green beans and at last the carcass is boiled into broth for something later.
I have family in Pennsylvania,a son and his wife and their two wonderful boys. I hardly know them and have never had Thanksgiving or Christmas with them. I left my son and daughter to be raised by their father's family and I went on off into the wilderness. The British call women like that bolters and say that nothing can be done with them-the Princess Diana's mother was considered a bolter. She turned to religion in her maturity-I am more fortunate in that I have had grandchildren to care for and a daughter to worry about and a sister to care for and a living to make.
I am sad right now wishing that I could be preparing for a crowd but I will insist that we put up the big table in the living room and get out all the fancy dishes and set a proper table and light candles and give thanks for what we have and all that we have received. We will put on pretty clothes for the dinner and share washing the dishes later and eat too much dessert.
I have a new cranberry recipe although my favorite remains the cranberry chutney recipe from back in 2005-Judy and I ended up Christmas dinner just sitting there eating the chutney. I love cranberries and they are verboten now in these days of cumadin but I will eat them Thanksgiving-not as much as I want but just enough to be Thanksgiving.
I have been thinking of my parents and how hard their lives were and the sacrifice the family made to get out of Moscow,KS. WHEW!! we were almost destroyed by that but here we are. My parents were very successful in Denver where their work ethic and humility was acknowledged and no one knew about Dorothy Mae's unwed motherhood and so could not scorn my troubled father behind his back.My father was so supportive of women,loved them, always referred to his mother who had only one leg due to the rickets from her childhood supposedly brought on by the starvation her family endured when her father left the family to fend for themselves while he went to Scotland to receive the 32nd Degree of Masons. Her family name was Suggs. My father had a lifelong fear of mystics because of this story and was always nervous when the mystical streak showed up in me along with the fragile emotional make-up.

11/20/09

To see Tanouye today and this is the end of my time getting my hands and fingers repaired. Two surgeries for carpal tunnel and two for trigger release on the third and fourth fingers right hand. and a habit of vicodin for pain because I literally cannot use pain relievers-some cause trouble with cumadin and Tylenol cause bladder problems. This is also the end of the wonderful and unexpected bi-weekly checks received for 80% of my earnings-tax free and not counted against my pension/SSA income. I loved having enough $$ for everyone but explained from the beginning that they would end- I received three and used the money wisely with the exception of J.-I wanted to send her $$$ but the awful words from her dried up that generosity-she gave $300 once when I was so busted and I have never given it back. She said it was a gift but when she was recently so busted I wanted to return the money and then the storm of words condemning me and everyone in my life and all my friendships and I just quit.
QOP writes of wonderful undertakings in her community in Maine even though they voted down the opportunity to build affordable housing for the agricultural workers-racism at work here. the community afraid that all of Mexico will try to come live there. At any rate the artists and artisans and others are coming together to set up their own income producing cooperatives. This is thrilling to me-the expression of Jupiter/Chiron/Neptune working together to show a new way into the Aquarian age: how to make a living while everything is eventually done by computers and computerized machines.
I found this so exciting and wondered if we can''t get something going with the garden people. I know a woman on Oregon St who makes a raw sourkraut that she sells at Farmer's Market and at Berkeley Bowl. I don't know her details but she has been doing it for years now so something is working. I will say that the sour kraut is quite costly and I don't get it for that reason still I know that many people don't have the money restrictions that I have and I did but it a couple of times and the kraut is delicious.
QOP now QOW is able to make it because she lives in a mortgage free house and does most of her work herself and gets by on any art work she can sell. However with all the struggle her life is so wonderful that I dream of moving to Maine-impossible-this California woman has family obligations. I am NOT a single woman.
I must go to see the MD now. More later I hope-I can't always write when everyone is up-psychicly no room to let my imagination roam over my day and world.

Tuesday 11/17/09

S back to school and work today. I am hoping that eventually he can work at home with his writing and editing and the occasional student to tutor. I love when he is home as he was most of last week.

Quiet from J which is such a relief. I was shaking by the time I went to bed on Sunday but by then I had come to think of her as possessed and I did prayer work and visualizations and that seemed to help. I know that I was helped by the experience of turning everything over to a greater power and surrounding myself in clouds of gold and rose light. I slept peacefully.
I have well I got interrupted-oh! I remember-I can't figure out how to edit my posts here. I think that there must be a time limit on the posts at any rate it is embarrassing to find the errors and be unable to correct them. Of course that is as if there were hundreds of people waiting to read my daily musings.
Green Giant ad on TV makes it appear that the harvesting is simple and easy. Just happy days on the farm getting green beans to us so that we will be healthy and beautiful.
Everyone is pissed with Agassi over his new biography-seems that folks can't stand to hear about what it takes to be a champion nor do they want to know about the lop-sided development. I haven't read the book but I am startled by the critical reviews which seem to be saying well you got the golden cup so stop whining.
On TV also the never ending warning about obesity although one never hears any discussion of the factors that contribute to obesity. When I was working and eating a moderately healthy way I was hungry all the time until I weighed over 200 lbs and developed diabetes and heart complications. Home now for five months I am losing weight and the constant haunting hunger has moved away and on the days when I go back to the eating I can feel the weirdness and I can stop. I avoid factory made food-I cook our food and I choose good food to eat and to cook. I even have treats but rarely because I am not so ravenous driven "by constant cravings". At the end of my career I was driven reguarly to get candy and I could never get enough even when I knew that the high blood sugar was literally killing me.
I tried to go back to OA just as I tried to return to Christianity but I could not. I have discovered now that the "addiction" had to do with exhaustion and sadness. AND with the rotten food available to tired epople far from home with no time to cook and take a nap. I know that people in the world work harder but I am talking about a US citizen who is expected to be slim and pleasant and productive. I couldn't manage that. I could produce but it wasn't a pretty sight-my clients loved me though.
J calling me trailer trash and also cursing other people in my daily life. I was so hurt but then I thought "well why not take the trailer trash mother's side?"
I know the image J verbalized and why not "own" what of me is in that image. That trashy,vulgar woman is the one that got me where I am and this is okay with me. When I started out I absolutely did not know how to survive. Wayne took care of me and after that any man who came close had to take care of me.
I found it hard to learn how to take care of myself and Amy. I wasn't fair,I was duplicitous and a thief at times. I left a wide swathe as they say-those who loved me were squeezed and tormented. I learned to change but it took addiction and alcoholism and finally compulsive eating but I did/have learned to change and to let go.
This morning working in the kitchen to find a better place for the radio and preparing a snack I realized that I love the kitchen and I love cooking and I love the very modest improvements-two skillets and pans purchased at garage sales and Amazon.
So I say let me be trailer trash.let me be the scandal of all time-those facts are part of me AND they are not all there is in me nor is it all the is readily viewable but I learned to love poor people when I worked for 30 years serving "us". I learned that part of what has made life such a struggle for me is the poverty I entered in order to get away from Wayne,Lisa and Shawn. I did not know how to live on my own and I have never been popular with my peers so I had to beg and manipulate-I couldn't figure out what to do. I had no work habits,no work experience. I was lonely and afraid and stupid and I ran from that leaving the kids where I thought that they would be safe. I was right in that Shawn is successful although tormented. Lisa died of a broken heart I think. Wayne shut down. I survived although with serious health issues.
so I believe that is the trailer trash she referred to over and over.

Monday 11/16/09 Steve's B/D

WOW New moon today at 11:13 AM here. Mars at 13 Leo Square Venus 13 Scorpio-this involves J and I with all our Leo and myself with the Scorpio and Taurus. How intense this has been with J even crazy. Last night as I was falling asleep I realized that no matter what she sayd I believe that she is possissed by a demon out to destroy me through her. I believe that she must be drinking because I can't imagine that the real J with the real ,full personality would fall into "hurling invective" like this monster has. I finally surrounded myself in gold light and prayed and also strengthened myself with pink light and fell asleep to not such happy dreams but woke up to peace on the email board and a just saner feeling.
So grateful for the years of study and love and searching for spiritual understanding. I was finally able to use the skills I learned and deal with what was actually a crisis with honor and depth and seriousness. I will no longer accept her invitation to hell-will delete any further emails sent from that monster but will not condemn J to hell.
The Mars Venus transit kicking my butt. Sorry that I didn't look up the planets earlier. In political astrology the big thing is the ?Saturn in Libra square Pluto in Capricorn with everyone wondering what it will bring but no one knows.
Buffy's dementia is really a challenge for me right now. I feel like screaming everytime she says "beautiful day!!" or if it is foggy "it sure is overcast today!!". I keep acting as if nothing has changed and of course "things" have changed. I just try to sit her in front of the TV and keep her happy that way. Well she is back and so I will close for now and go do dishes and distract myself with activity. I really am having a hard time copping right now.

Sunday 11/15/2009

Well!! Hello Saturn square Pluto. J has gone completely off her rocker. She has been hating on me for weeks now after months of renewed friendship. she is bringing up stuff from our 20's!! and hurling them at me as if that were just weeks ago rather than 30+ going on 40 years ago. I remember when she shifted and started on the trailer trash,bad mother stuff and when I objected she went totally off her rocker. Either some medication is reacting badly with her system or she has had a psychotic break.
We went to the Miwok village yesterday at Pt Reyes. I wanted to stay and sleep in one of the teepees and do a sweat in one of the round houses. The garden was wonderful even in the late part of the year. the wood strawberries had a few leaves. I thought how thrilling those little sweet berries must have been once they were in season and grown.
Our senior cat Bebe has turned into a sweet loving cat with the new babies and with us. We are amazed since she was always so harsh and unfriendly to almost everyone and did not tolerate other cats. Now she wants to be a baby herself even when takes care of the little ones-she licks them and nips them and sleeps with them.
Yesterday was so beautiful-relaxing and inspiring. I really don't rememberwhen Steve and I were out last. We even had lunch at Pt Reyes Station. We had a soup that I am going to attempt to duplicate-a non-dairy cauliflower soup. Thge soup was yellow-orange and I thought that the chef had used pumpkin or winter squash but the waitress said no the color is from tumeric. I was right on my other guesses-onion,garlic,celery and cauliflower all sauted with olive oil. Yumhhh we all loved it. We were shocked by the expence of taking three people out for lunch but that is the way things are now and it was so worth it to us. We atill feel the warmth of the wonderful field trip this morning. That actually lifted our spirits and that is no cliche-we both feel the difference.
Looked up J's planets on a whim well no whim since I am an astrologer and she is attacking me these days. Venus in Cancer square Neptune in Libra natally. Obviously getting hit hard by Saurn in Libra and Pluto in Capricorn-perhaps one of the drugs she is using for her health issues is causing the trouble but I do know that she is in for some awful trouble. Hating on me will only worsen her condition. OOOH!! Pluto sq Chiron and Saturn conjunct Chiron-deep sorrow and regret there perhaps too much to face alone. Whatever is going on I won't be able to help although I did start praying for her yesterday and will continue to do so when she comes to mind.
Today is Steve's party: vegie chili and yellow cake with fudge frosting. A few of our friends are coming over and the menu is easy on me and very popular.
Dreamed of Wayne Parker last night who left without saying goodbye. I was sad and troubled in my dream. Still working out my years working in CCC Social Services and those years of service. Of course I would need to such a huge hunk of my life. I am so grateful for that and for the friends from that era.
I am looking forward to going to the store this morning and getting all the items needed for the party and then the cooking and baking.

Friday 11/13/09

Off to court with Barbara for her son Aaron: six years in jail and no trial but now her we go. Will need to do his chart but don't want to do it if what I fear is there. I wish that he could just walk away but even the plea deal they offered of two felonies and time served was taken back so they want to prosecute this man for what his original attorney said was in the end a

Wednesday 11/11/2009

So Happy Birthday Shawn. Today is Veteran's Day. I was thinking that I am settleing into age: I KNOW that we all die and I didn't know that earlier.

Tuesday 11/10/2009

I know that making my own soap

Woke up missing Joyce but knowing that I can not return to that old rut of trusting her and confiding in her and accepting her occasional meanness. I think that she returned to drinking and that is when her personality twists into sociopathic cruelty and her insults are so virulent that I just have to walk away.This last time I saw the faulty logic,formed in the 70's, that I just have all my family around to keep me from being alone I realized that that attack is just like the one from the 90's when she attacked me for going back to work for welfare because such jobs are a trap but now whe wishes that she had my pension another trap but so welcome in our 60's when others see us as "dead wood" that needs pruning.So.... yes I do have family around and they do keep me from being alone AND I have grandchildren who were barely raised due to their mothers drug use and ghetto living which I was absolutely powerless to affect except for having the kids at my house, providing food and clothing and providing all the love I had at my disposal-believe me I was starting to get very tired there in my 50's. Now my grandson is on drugs to control his acting out, his outrage over his family situation and my granddaughter spends her time stoned on marijuana so afraid to step out into the world that she is simply not doing it. She has a best friend who is much more positive and I am hoping that my granddaughter can benefit from this friendship as I did with my friends from the Laney days. I suggested yesterday that Courtney seek out some counseling and will return to that: there is a program in Berkeley to help kids get out into the world and I will direct her back there today.
So now the people caught in Iran on the border are being charged with espionage which of course is what they were doing. I mean why would well-to-do middle class people decide to visit the Iran-Iraq border? Harsh, inhospitable terrain? Even if they are rock climbers mountan climbers why go to that sensitive war torn ground? Weird so I have always assumed that they were spys. I am praying that some arragement can be achieved to save Iran face and get the US citizens home.
A big rig fell off the Bay Bridge early in the morning and traffic is backed up miserabley today. That bridge has had so much trouble-there should be a public safety program of TV,radio,etc explaining the changes and warning especially the veteran driver's who have the old bridge path in their muscles and this change is major and dangerous. I have only driven it once and I was surprised at HOW much the drive is changed. I am really surprised that the safety of the drive wasn't given greater consideration and if absolutely necessary to go that way then public notice and instruction would have been helpful for the community/public.
Cleaning up after the weekend and two weeks down due to flu/etc. getting wash and floors and catboxes (what?? Should I write Boxi to indicate duplicates or catboxs even though I say catbox-es?).
I wish that I could make my own castile soap but the necessity of lye frightens me. I am convinced that I need to eliminate all chemical cleaners (yes! i know that making my own castile soap is a chemical process but it is one done with ingrediants ritght from the earth-I recognize their origins-we have similar origins-i understand. the chemicals produced in labratories are not like me and I reject them physically-with allergies and other sicknesses.
Mars transiting Leo and Venus in Scorpio are lighting up my personal life and making me vulnerable to pain and judgement although I believe i will be recognized as a grandmother trying to take care of children and it is necessary for me to set limits which I don't like doing but must this time acknowledge my vulnerability to judgements of others.

Thursday 11/5/2009

So yesterday I went to Kaiser with my sister for her to see a neurologist re: possible brain tumor,etc. The good doctor said no doubt early Alzheimer's. Even though I suspected this I have been weepy since then-this is an epidemic nearly everyone I know has some connection either family or friends brought down. My sister is young, 61, or so it would seem to me, to be coming down with the disease.
NO DESIRE TO WRITE NOW: GOING TO THE STORE.

Wednesday 11/4/2009

WOW 10 days later and I am beginning to return to normal. I have been dreaming of the days when good health and strong energy are taken for granted. I tried to write but just could not; just rambling about the guilt accumulated in youth-that has to go.
one of the witch''s site that I love is working their way through "The Artist's Way" and even though I came in late I have ordered the book.
Several times in this time of sickness I have come across the idea that we must come to know ourselves as we really are and that we demand too much from our souls in terms of perfection. I take this that god is talking to me as I have prayed for guidance wondering where to turn. "Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism"is important and reading some of the Catholic monks can help.
My daughter talked yesterday of the anger she feels because she was robbed of her last two highschool years-this is the first honesty I have heard from her in years. I am sure this is because she is not using at all right now under the influence of her dear partner/friend, Arthur. They have been friends for years from high school.
I think her father and John will look down on her because of the race thing but i don't. I have been so healed in that area because my beloved Happa grandson eats and thinks black even though he looks like a beautiful Polynesian. I love the honesty with which Arthur lives and has brought Amy into.
So two governor's races went to the Republicns but two important congressional races went to the Dems. The one in New York was so important because Palin and Limbaugh and thier kind put a lot of money into that race.
The three kitties are in a pile cleaning each other and preparing for nap. They are expensive,etc. but when I see them in a pile I am so galad that they are here and not in a pile in some dirty,cold, scary garage. We can begin to use Advantage on them-will call the vet to get advice.