Saturday 11/28/09

Tomorrow "my baby" turns 40-wow how old am I? She cries plaintively from her rocking chair. Much sorrow there for my beloved Aimee (Amy) a life of sorrow tossed over for crystal meth perhaps the most lethal drug ever invented although my daughter was calmed down before the date-rape drugs showed up. Ruined her l life while giving the illusion that she was getting somewhere-she also had a terrible time having Arvin that caused heart trouble (enlarged heart from the labor which the doctor let unfold because she was a Medi-Cal patient and therefore not worth the money to do C-section. Yes I do believe this is what happened.
Missed Joyce yesterday always think of her during the Thanksgiving through Christmas period. I spent many Harwood holidays with her during my years of pioneer woman solitude. As I am now I would have done things differently but I was in my 20's then and in the time of my progressed new moon.
Jim Shere just came to mind now too. He lives up north in Glen Ellen. He and I were so close although not lovers-we did not suit each other-and that closeness of course dissolved once he found his wonderful third wife. During that marriage his mother died of lung cancer which metastasized while she was on a cruise to China and he and his wife had two daughters. He "gave up" astrology and would never explain why and I just "gave up" on him-there was something so cold and brutal in that act and his unwillingness to speak on it that I could never trust him again. HMMMM-I no doubt would have turned this into a couple of paragraphs but I want to continue flow of consciousness here. When I left California to stay with my family during my father's last illness (cancer-melanoma)I made arrangements to go see him, Jim, at his office and I STOOD HIM UP!! something that shocked and troubled me. I would never treat Jim Shere that way but I did!! Wtiting this morning I "felt" the connection between his abandoning astrology and therefore me and "abandoning" him when I left. UHMM! I feel back home again in my own skin and with my one-time friend.
On AW one regular, Grizzly, wrote requesting help finding work and moving and interestingly his birthdate fo 8/17/1948 so close to Steve Back that I saw Steve in a way that I could not when I was in love with him. I just sort of ignored his Mars/Neptune conjunction squared with Venus in Cancer. Jeez-talk about a non-settling man-Grizzly settled in Europe and the last I heard of Steve he was flying small aircraft in Oklahoma.
This is really a morning of laying my ghosts to rest-interesting. Uranus in Pisces in my 12th preparing to move into Aries.Well not quite preparing 25th degree.
I really like Valerie,Shawn's wife and the mother of his son's. She is blunt and kind and a wonderful mother. Evidently Shawn has no interest in her sexually and is unkind which would fall into his family patterns from Ed and Wayne-withdrawn and critical. I will keep talking to her and get to know her and I plan to go out and visit them. 3000 miles is quite a distance.
Sometimes I use paper plates because there are so many eating and so few cleaning-Buffy and I cleaning. This year the beloved softly woven bamboo paper plate holders have been unavailable and the only holders available are ugly,ugly palstic ones that pickup grease and must therefor be washed off-yuck and why bother why not just stick with real plates which I guess is the idea.
I wondered if the lack of the bamboo holders is not the result of some Green Financial activity to force me into doing dishes. Trees must be used at some point in making paper plates and so if only the expensive plates can be used without a holder and I and most mothers/grandmothers don't want to spend that kind of money on paper plates we will go back to using real plates and washing them. I told my sister that I would consider a portable dish washer with a chopping block top so that I would have more counter space as well as getting the dishes done. Well as I write I realize the lack of the bamboo holders is probably the result of Dixie or someone else making the heavy paper plates. Or maybe they come from where there has been terrible nature events and there is no one left to make them.
Have to go to the store now. Hope I can get back to this later. Wanted to write about what I saw as the karma of our leaving Kansas-we were going to have to or Buffy and I would have ended up married to farmers for which we were temperamentally unsuited. Perhaps nothing could have prevented the tragedy of our teenage years-we were too far gone in the corruption-the spoiling and the rot.I realized that my parents thought that I was beautiful and talented but actually I was always a strong B student/girl. Not ugly, not stupid but not like Cheri or Sheila and my mother was pushing me so hard that we had to leave. I think that my mother wanted the inclusion she had had as a property owners daughter and a hard working smart girl but in those days of the McCarthy era we could never live down Mama's humiliation and she let me run all over town-evidently I was a demanding, nerve racking child and she was relieved to not see or hear me. Buffy concurs with me in these memories.