11/22/2009

Alone early in the morning. Steve went back to sleep after awakening and feeling depressed and cold,so cold that he shut off his desk fan. The young ones are sound asleep as one would expect after staying up until the "wee hours".
Today the anniversary of the Kennedy assassination-no one has mentioned it on the TV. I think that is weird-part of changing out memories I guess. I know that most of those who were there are dead now and I guess those who know what really happened are relieved that even those such as myself,age 16 at the time, are moving on and soon those on stage will have no direct memories of that brutal day.
I no longer believe in the lone gunman-not because I have a belief in the grassy knoll shooters,I don't know about that but it is the fact that Jack Ruby was related to the man he shot who was charged with being the assassin-Oswald and Oswald multilple trips to Russia and Cuba is weird for that Cold War period when we were all afraid of Communists as well we should have been with Stalin who slaughtered thousands even millions.
HMMM-while I was writing that I had a thought of forgiveness for those who play in those brutal, hideous games of power and control. I have been so alienated from my country after finding out that the government and the military and the universities do not function on the moral compass that I use and have always used even when I failed to measure up to those points-the ten commandments and the love of Jesus.
Some say that the governments are working to reduce the population by viruses. I am concerned about the constant drum beat of hatred of the obesity that is caused mostly by the cheap foods available here in the US. Cheap and easy food primed with the fat,salt and sugar we naturally crave. I have a dark fantasy of people being dragged off to "health camps" to get over their obesity and they are never heard of again.
Obesity and smoking are now mostly found in the "working classes"and I see this highlighted in the corporate media and people fall for this. Just go listen in offices all over and you will hear it from those who don't fall into either hated class-fat smokers."
Okay my paranoia "recorded and duly noted". And also "duly noted" my growing maturity and forgiveness that is a spiritual gift I think from years of praying and meditating and wondering about myself and those I have known.
I remember one woman I knew she was living with someone I knew from work and liked. They were a bougie couple, raised in the middel-classd traditions of marrying up and acquiring property and being ever vigilant regarding mores and styles, judgemental always on the lookout for someone above or below their own station.
Well I have been so long away from the keyboard I forgot the point of that paragraph.
I just got whammied in my dear little modest self: I just received word that someone,we will call her D, who was once a lover and whom I left for R.,my black lover with whom I lived for 6+ years,a truck driving, drug using, alcoholic who was domineering and manipulative and a sex addict but at least he was a man. Well that needs further development later on but D. I have just learned that she, D., inherited $400,000 and her mother's house. I was stopped quiet, overwhelmed by envy wishing that I could have just a little of that inheritance, a little of the ease.
I hear that she is gambling which is very frightening given her life long struggle with drugs and alcohol and sex addictions. Oh jeez she can really get hurt gambling. My daughter said Mama, the gambling thing is worse than the crack epidemic, which I guessed when I heard about penny slot machines.
So any way back to my envy-reduced me to tears. Not a pretty picture but so accurate. Envy and jealousy plain and true.
Going out in a bit with J. to the Albany booksale and then to lunch. I am so far from an inheritance that J is treating me to lunch. J. didn't get the humor in our cooking our Thanksgiving turkey today becuase we are broke still didn't get the humor in our decision to cook ham for Thanksgiving so that we can have all the favorite traditional dishes-greens,sweet potatoes,rolls,cranberries, scalloped potatoes in honor of the ham,desserts-cherry pie, chocolate pie, pumpkin pie and pickled things. At any rate Judy offered her turkey but I said that we don't want two turkeys in one week, that I am just grateful for the frozen turkey that has been there for about three weeks.