S back to school and work today. I am hoping that eventually he can work at home with his writing and editing and the occasional student to tutor. I love when he is home as he was most of last week.
Quiet from J which is such a relief. I was shaking by the time I went to bed on Sunday but by then I had come to think of her as possessed and I did prayer work and visualizations and that seemed to help. I know that I was helped by the experience of turning everything over to a greater power and surrounding myself in clouds of gold and rose light. I slept peacefully.
I have well I got interrupted-oh! I remember-I can't figure out how to edit my posts here. I think that there must be a time limit on the posts at any rate it is embarrassing to find the errors and be unable to correct them. Of course that is as if there were hundreds of people waiting to read my daily musings.
Green Giant ad on TV makes it appear that the harvesting is simple and easy. Just happy days on the farm getting green beans to us so that we will be healthy and beautiful.
Everyone is pissed with Agassi over his new biography-seems that folks can't stand to hear about what it takes to be a champion nor do they want to know about the lop-sided development. I haven't read the book but I am startled by the critical reviews which seem to be saying well you got the golden cup so stop whining.
On TV also the never ending warning about obesity although one never hears any discussion of the factors that contribute to obesity. When I was working and eating a moderately healthy way I was hungry all the time until I weighed over 200 lbs and developed diabetes and heart complications. Home now for five months I am losing weight and the constant haunting hunger has moved away and on the days when I go back to the eating I can feel the weirdness and I can stop. I avoid factory made food-I cook our food and I choose good food to eat and to cook. I even have treats but rarely because I am not so ravenous driven "by constant cravings". At the end of my career I was driven reguarly to get candy and I could never get enough even when I knew that the high blood sugar was literally killing me.
I tried to go back to OA just as I tried to return to Christianity but I could not. I have discovered now that the "addiction" had to do with exhaustion and sadness. AND with the rotten food available to tired epople far from home with no time to cook and take a nap. I know that people in the world work harder but I am talking about a US citizen who is expected to be slim and pleasant and productive. I couldn't manage that. I could produce but it wasn't a pretty sight-my clients loved me though.
J calling me trailer trash and also cursing other people in my daily life. I was so hurt but then I thought "well why not take the trailer trash mother's side?"
I know the image J verbalized and why not "own" what of me is in that image. That trashy,vulgar woman is the one that got me where I am and this is okay with me. When I started out I absolutely did not know how to survive. Wayne took care of me and after that any man who came close had to take care of me.
I found it hard to learn how to take care of myself and Amy. I wasn't fair,I was duplicitous and a thief at times. I left a wide swathe as they say-those who loved me were squeezed and tormented. I learned to change but it took addiction and alcoholism and finally compulsive eating but I did/have learned to change and to let go.
This morning working in the kitchen to find a better place for the radio and preparing a snack I realized that I love the kitchen and I love cooking and I love the very modest improvements-two skillets and pans purchased at garage sales and Amazon.
So I say let me be trailer trash.let me be the scandal of all time-those facts are part of me AND they are not all there is in me nor is it all the is readily viewable but I learned to love poor people when I worked for 30 years serving "us". I learned that part of what has made life such a struggle for me is the poverty I entered in order to get away from Wayne,Lisa and Shawn. I did not know how to live on my own and I have never been popular with my peers so I had to beg and manipulate-I couldn't figure out what to do. I had no work habits,no work experience. I was lonely and afraid and stupid and I ran from that leaving the kids where I thought that they would be safe. I was right in that Shawn is successful although tormented. Lisa died of a broken heart I think. Wayne shut down. I survived although with serious health issues.
so I believe that is the trailer trash she referred to over and over.
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