I just read some anger and refusal to go along over at FireDogLake-people saying no!! I refuse to go along. These are good, sober people who qualify for housing loans but who are getting fucked never the less and who are outraged by the tricks we can see with the bailouts. Most people don't read the kind of news I love but more and more do as they are driven to pulling out their hair in attempts to meet ridiculous demands to pay for houses that have lost 1/2 their value. I am praying that we won't get misdirected with some type of explosion or murder or some "natural disaster". We so much have to get back to basics get back to life and we have been played for suckers for so long by idiots who think that a $1400 trash receptacle is reasonable or for that matter that the money spent to to develop white phospherous weapons or biological weapons is reasonalbe. We have to grow up. Any extra money we generate we should use to rebuild Iraq and Gaza. Perhaps we could send the killers to hospital for treatment (pipe dreaming here I know).
So I gave up on the people I loved in my 20's-too much time has passed and we grew in different ways. This applies to Kimn but also to Joyce-I finally "got over" her. Jeez how abusive and she never even knew . Good-bye to all of that and all of the push-pull crap. she betrayed me over and over and I just never gave in. Kimn part of the strong included middle class never really understood how outside I was. I just never could forgive her for that astrolger fiend of hers who was so angry with me and so competitive and Kimn was either unconscious of what was going on or agreed that I needed to be punished.
I should have started a new paragraph with Kimn above-oh well I will get Steve to show me how. I just wanted to get it down what my beef was with Kimn instead of always being so conscious of what her complaints were about me,so conscious of her that I couldn't ever hear myself.
Always rejected by the girls of the middle-class-just not one of them
Don't want to go deeper and deeper just want to acknowlege what was going on with me

Okay so I regret making this public still I find that writing hre is so much easier,so much faster that I am going to stay.
I need to write about the issues that keep me from maintaining any focus and control over my domestic life. The house is full of relatives: first Arvin came very shortly after we moved then Courtney off and on and now aimee and Aimee lays around talking baby-talk doing absolutely nothing to support herself or her children. I am willing to take over with the children (I always have any way) but I am not willing to take care of Amy. Oh and please I have my disabled sister-her son whom she rejected won't do squat for her. My sister loses the money the State sends her every month not all of it but a considerable amount. She is very good about sharing straight off so that I can pay utilities,etc,whatever and she likes to share with the family so that we can have a little fun maybe eat chinese,etc. Arvin is a kid=12 years but he does what he can with the reality he was born into-I love him and willingly took over for Aimee who just wasn't doing it. The problem was revealed when we had to leave Oregon St-when we were just at the end of the block the kids could stay and just go home to sleep or go home when their mommy was up. When we had to move (thank you Clymela for arguing with the landlord over back rent that worked hmmmm?!!) then the facts were revealed-Aimee can't take care of her kids and when I left whe decided that her friend just getting out of prison could take over and save her life.Oh brother what a mess and that is when Arvin came here. Eventually aimee had to come here because her mentally ill friend turned on her and revealed that he was living in a world populated by people she couldn't see so here we are and I am feeling like trailer park people which I imagine I am although I don't live in a trailer. I am overwhelmed by my inability to remain focused.
Enough for now more later

i turned the tv off because I am so sick of hearing the Republicans with their whine about independence that means they want to give tax money to the wealthy and fuck the rest of us. Republicans actually believe that wealth is next to godliness and I can no longer stomach this. I also cannot stomach Obamas sucking up to the bastards-I don't think that he was elected becuase peopel though he would be nice to the likes of John Boehner or Mitch MaConnell (spg). I find it outrageous that he would pull the famiy planning funds just because some pink dick wants women to pay for sex. These same ,very same pindicks sure get abortions for their sweeties ala Bob Barr. Pigs,pigs, pigs. I wish Steve would agree to get rid of the tv-KPFA is all the news I need and KKGN is all the entertainment I need. Otherwise there are DVD's.etc.

Saturday PM now. Washer and dryer sit in the kitchen. Even though now is the time of drought still I would have to wash clothes somehow. I will need to learn how to save the rinse water for the plants-lettuce, herbs, tomatoes, etc will be sky high. Thirty years ago there was a big drought. I remember Herb Caen publishing the little ditty: if it's yellow it's mellow; if it is brown flush it down. Restaurants stopped serving glasses of water and lawns went yellow and we were all afraid of fires. Now the news says that we have had three years of draught. where was the discussion of this. It is time to break up the monopolies but I imagine this will be part of the revolution /civil war. I know that these decrepid uber ambitious fucks have got to go. We don't need kings we need leaders and poets and inspirers-we are done with popes and kings,etc. I imagine our greatest enemy at this time is the weapons deveopers/makers the ones who don't care who dies, who lives just as long as there are governments to spend tax money on new weapons.
We need to get the word out that Social Security IS the savings of the working classes-from the lowest to the highest wage earners we have all 'saved' and never allow this to be called entitlements or welfare. I remember how shocked I was that Beth considered UIB welfare. That was my first glimpse into how deep the conflict runs.
I have loved Civil Service with the rules and regulations that keep everything running smoothly as long as everyone sticks to the rules. Of course people often disagree thinking that they know better but there is always a way if we just keep to the road. Now there is precious little trust left because og the pernicious effects of the Reagan mood. I am hoping that people are understanding that they have beern tricked again out of the benefits they worked for, the 'savings' they worked for and 'put aside'. It is tyime to drive the Vogue and Harper's Bizarre and Elle out of town time to get rid of PEOPLE,etc time to give up dreaming aabout celebreties and their fancy lives and focus on ours, our children, our society.
We always had free education but not any longer. NO CHILD LEFT BEHIND pure crap set up to weed out those who can afford "private education" from those who can't. Ou children need the book learning but they also need to know how to work in an office, how to change tires and fix cars, how to sew clothes and how to cook and clean house. Our children need information on basic psychology-they need to understand the value of the Golden Rule.
I spent time drifting because I was so disappointed that I ended up in a job that my higher placed friends looked down-I didn't realize how far I had come and how really well I was doing. I wanted 'a good man' not realizing that that part of my life was over,damaged really before I ever reached 21.
Steve a wonderful man for me-gentle and willing but when I was 27/28 he was just a little boy. I was already past my reproductive years, trying to bluff my way into the middle-class which I had done with Gerald but of course I didn't understand that then and there was no going past the Jupiter problems and I had to grow-up which I did thanks to having a steady job doing work I believed in- welfare- the best thing that ever happened to me. I really started to live when I had welfare and went to school and then applied for the job and had regular money and health care and child care. I just couldn't accept myself-I thought that I could become like Ann, Barbara,Elaine if I just tried harder never being able to see the beauty in my natural self.
Narcissistic wound-how deeply that hurt when Kimn said narcissits you just can't tell them anything. Well so I was narcissistic as a shield but I am not now. I think the healing became apparent when I realized how strong and powerful Teddy Kennedy has been. I remembered all the right-wing writers making fun of him fucking his brains out all over the world but he kept on going no matter what kept on going and made a difference in the world. I wept when I "saw" this and I think that was the beginning of acceptance of myself. I started to realize that no matter the level of my failures still I held in there and gave something back.
Listenng to Robert Kennedy interview a writer who has just published a book entitled "All The Shaws Men" a history of American/Persian relations.Boy are we quilty, guilty-nasty doings those Republicans and no matter what Eisenhower said later his hands were dirty,

So this week we inaugurated Obama. I "saw" something in an image of him sitting. I 'saw' him being destroyed by others-those others represented by the almost exact semi-sextiles from sun and moon to pluto sitiing right there in sextile to each other. I guess he knows about all of this but I wonder if he 'knows' about what some have in mind for him. I saw him fighting and losing and the retrograde spirits saying that it was caused by the darkness of his complexion that the dark ones are inferior. So much weight on him so unfair. We will have to demand a better world, no fairy tales no more believing that Prince Charming can pull us out. We have to start to understand the hideousness of bombing people. of allowing poverty so great that people have no education live like they did a thousand years ago. It is wrong for us to steal resources from people and leave them with nothing. We just can't go on hating but Obama doesn't have the answers. We have the answers. why were we so afaid that we allowed Bush and friends to just take over? We need to answer that

Waning crescent moon. Steve is coming home today; he was gone for 10 days. the longest seperation since my mother's death in 5/2003. I lean on him, depend n him. He and I agree on maintaining home even while we bicker about how we will proceed.
Kimn never got back to me-oh well time to let go In the end I believe her High Priestess Virgo moon, venus/mars just could not forgive my sloppy dangerous moon/pluto. I really loved her all these years and protected her saw her delicacy but as she said she couldn't forgive my loud bossy ways and then the years when I just wallowed in shadow because I didn't know how to integrate it as I have now done. Well as I said time to move on.
Wrote to Ann via unm.edu but I think there also the time has passed. and I still fear her father's judgement coming throgh her voice.
Read Ameilia the WICCA editor at BellaVoice on her blessing of the daily life and magical names. I loved it. My space is here at the computer in the early morning before anyone else stirs-just me and the cat. There is no other unused space in this little apartment not with six full grown individuals. I love this time and I will start a practice and build an alter nothing splashy but soemthing rooted in the material world.
This morning I did some light work before getting out of bed. I mixed some yellow and blue to arrive at a turqoise that was radiant. this was for my daughter who was asleep beside me and I had awakened with a desire to ground my energy and accept that this is real not just imaginal and then I wanted to surround her in this vibrant light which I did.
I am thinking/imagining branches up/roots down these days. The image of a large old tree has been with me for years.

Okay!! Stumbled onto Mary Greer's Tarot site and then from her onto a resource I will soon be ordering. Yipee!! I love Mary Greer and her books. When my granddaughter expressed interest in learning Tarot Mary's books were some of the first to come to mind. I know my beautiful gd has some character/personality issues as I did in my youth and I was excited to hear her interest in areas of study that helped me so much. Tarot, astrology offered me guidance that I could not accept from religion or psychology. I am hoping that Tarot will be that type of guide for my beautiful one.
Strange to find some of the tarot people using twitter. Weird. I signed up to see what all the talk is about-can't imagine that I would ever send out a notice of what I am doing from moment to moment or even day to day I am just not that extraverted.

Early morning here in the Bay Area. I am reminded of my young years at Harwood st.-sitting in my mattress on the floor bed, smoking Camels and writing, writing in my journals. My little girl asleep in her bed in her room full of toys and books the biggest room in the house.
the personal collapse that came after I left there did bring me into touch with the narcissum underneath. Not enough to be a full blown character disaster but enough to keep me from succeeding. Of course I had enough history that I should have been able to accept my good fortune to have a steady job with all the middle-class trappings but I ,of course, wanted to be like Elaine or Ann, the children of doctors with generations of family development-the narcissum. the narcissiaum began early with certain social wounds-early sexual shock and consequent social rejection. I don't really want to go over this again and again. I recently started thinking of Harwood St again where I lived until 1977 and before this has always been the trumpet blare of depression moving in.

whohoo-so that is what I did to survive. who knows perhaps there was some VERY serious child abuse (moon/pluto less than a degree apart the moon just past Pluto) early. My mother used to brag that I was off the bottle by six months and potty trained at under one year. HELLO!! Poor sad little girl as was my mother as was my father who I believe had a more sane life than my mother's. Well at any rate that is how I get through but get through I did.
Today 1/18/2009 here I am in a dark warm house. the cat is asleep in front of the heater and there are varying snores all over the house. Courtney's father is asleep in the big chair behind me-he is homeless I think or at the very least carless. There was a tiem when I hated him but I had a waking dream years ago when he stepped out from behind a purple/maroon velvet curtain and asked me to pray for him-I have been praying for him since then and no longer hate him.

Okay!! a message from my former sister-in-law on my google site. she found me through The Other White Pages. I responded. Lisa gone now and I feel regret and remose that is withering because that story will never be anything but tragic and I don't want to in any way try to 'make it better'.
last night actually an early dream. I am in the country with my beloved partner and we are visiting and even I am alone in certain parts such as when I am living on Harwood and everything is white. there is a new shopping complex and I go there with cash and cards but nothing is really open for business. I go to the back and there is a food court I help some other people get their meals and then I want a chicken sald and there is nothing available and this young man who works there says that he will get me a meal. After a very long time and much complaining from me he returns with my meal but the meal is all chicken and other preprepared items and there is no lettuce. He says thatt the cost is $51 I am shocked and i complain because I have already paid for other eaters and I thought that my meal would be gratis of much cheaper. I sort of beat him up and just generally raise a ruckus but everyone agrees that I owe the $51. I pay but I scratch his car in the parking lot and i don't like him although i realize that everyone realizes that I have gotten shaby treatment and he is my inferior still I am making an ass of muyself. Then we my dear one and I are up in the mountains with people we belong with only sometimes I am alone. There is an atmosphere of being tested, of going downstream quickly. One young man I remember but most I remember being connected with people who don't like me much and I have tyo succeed at some trial but I never really know if I suceeded or failed but I sure get used up. I am in a chuch which is also a house which is also a duplex. A young Japenese man has dogs, puppies large and small I help him with his puppies and go to some social gathering in the fromtroom/porch of the house which has a lot of crystal and lace and shiney wood-a lovely room really furnished by his parents over the decades. He loves the dogs and is very concerned that the grow up well. I go on into the social setting and I am walking in Manitou by the Episcopal church and there is the feeling of more lace and crystal and brick and brass. One young man is terrified that he is homosexual because he has had some experience with an older gay amn I tell him that he is not gay that he is just deepening his understanding of people amd himself but he is so afraid. Another young man his angry because he hasn't been healed and I explain that he hasn't experienced healing because he hasn't yet lived out his complex that we can only be healed of what we have actually lived, incarnated as it were
HMMM Neptune in the 6th I believe is the theme of this dream.

whew!! turned things around for a bit. Steve gone for a few days and leaves a big hole-I really lean on him to get tings done. Disabled sister,incapacitated daughter, two teenage kids and one cat. that is home these days with a dead old car and no laundry facilities and a couple of days with precious little cash. Comcast even turned off the computer for a couple of days but finally I called and got someone to turn it back on with the promise to pay $237 next Thursday for unpaid bills that they have never mentioned or requested-returned check for $124 and then all the other charges-jeez but here i sit with my favorite tool the computer although I only do the internet.
Tseka has captured my imagination with her ongoing story of her friend a little bobcat/wildcat that comes to her home and talks to her-oh blessings on us that she shares this. She is also a painter and jewelry maker-I plan to get one of her necklaces later.
Gaza-disgusting stories of what the Israeli military with US $$$ and weapons are doing there/ The viciousness stuns me pure racism and hatred the type of stuff we do to brown people. I recall that this is when I really began to hate Clinton and his administration when they were destroying Yugoslavia. the destruction of hospitals, public records, schools,etc while raining terror,literal terror from the sky AND blaming it all on someone else the military leader of that region who was committing genocide but what were we doing i ask. What can we dream as long as we create the weapons that are being used. We truly need a miracle a solution from a greater level of consciousness. I wonder what people are thinking and hoping when they develop bombs that tear people apart, pulverize buildings, or when they load white phospherous. Oh Holiness we need a miracle.
There is absolutely no way a spiritually evolved person can participate in patriotism. I understand loving our homes, loving our community but to love the "country" when part of the "country" is to develop evil in capsules is to fail to understand-we need to have a greater inclusion so that we can understand the pain of those we assult and murder.

Still dark listening to politics and poaching eggs and toasting the rye bread that I made yesterday for the borscht. thinking of Elaine and Ann and David and our days together and our love of Jewish food all mother's cooking from all over the world. There was a wonderful,tiny Chinese resturant up on college where I learned to love Hunan type food. remembering shaking our heads over Israel and Plalestine then in the early 70's when we were still in out 20's and elaine barely in her 20's but always very grown up because of being the little single baby after the twins in her birth family. I was always remembering my mother whispering to Betty that Armameddon wuld come after the jews went home and they had already gone home. I must have been about eight then-Ann, David, Elaine were hearing different stories-they were Jews not Protestant christians.

Early morning: th family sleeps snoring sftly and I am full of love and contentment, I will forever crave the sounds and smells of a house full of blood relations. I wish that I had had more money when Amy was young or that I could have stayed with Gerald or what is this crap? I simply wish I could have been more secure but I couldn't not when I was young-so why not a grateful heart that this morning in the dark I can hear and smell my loved ones? Tears in the eyes-a long struggle to get to where I am now more stretch.
Steve gone again and all the women suspect that he has a second family in LA-perhaps but I don't think so I just think that he has to get away that he is more of a loner than I am and my intense family scene is shocking to him. Afterall his sister and brother are dead and his parents are alchoholic-he pretty much raised himself. I believe that he goes to see his father who is receiving treatment for melanoma the cancer that killed my father, he goes to visit his parents and extended family perhaps he flirts with other women and maybe he gets excited but I know he loves our life together and his career in academe.
Put on the hoodie so that I don't have to turn on the heat which would give amy and Arvin headaches.

Saturday morning/full moon in Cancer

I love the feminine influence that shows in Obama's story: strong mother,grandmother,wife and now mother-in-law. whew these powerful women with pictures of the future within and these pictures leading direction, a map if you will.
what isn't highlighted enough yet is that these women all had careers but were also able to raise the children with the help of the other women in the family-this is a story that must get out. Women are mothers but we also need our mothers, sisters, cousins, mothers-in-law.
This need of mothers is so powerful-I was alienated from my own mother, traumatized by the sex that was part of my relationship with my boyfriend and then abandoned by my mother-in-law when I become pregnant with my second child and had fallen head over heels with for Joe Coniff mainly because he kissed differently than Wayne,was more generous. I went crazy-a bright curious child left to try and grow myself up and become the hard working, non-dreaming, content with domestic pleasures such as painting the rooms, getting a new bedspread, new curtains. Of course I didn't know how to hang the curtains, clean the house and I was too young to control myself which I was unable to manage until I was in my 40's. A rough early life full of failure and despair and one that only the help of mothers could heal. I found that healing in women's groups and friendships where I could tell my story and remain accepted because I was telling my story in arenas that was full of women who did not share my experience. The woemn of my natural class, the clerks, EW's, the LVN's, the cooks,the secretaries,etc were disgusted by my story because at that level there is no solution-I was rendered unstable by the pressure of early motherhood and that meant in the end that my mother-in-law raised my children and I moved on to make another life. I succeded in surviving but never more than that-to flourish would be a sin against my clan. Oh saturn in Leo in the 4th six degrees away from combust moon pluto ( more later on the exact squares to mars in Taurus and chiron in Scorpio-subjective wisdom gained and shared but always with the grimmest restrictions-working in welfare feeling at home feeling fortunate because I am one of "us" the poor, the disadvantaged but I was bright and rebellious so I managed to take advantage of the end of Johnson's War On Poverty. I loved him becuase he had honestly seen the destruction caused by poverty and the urgency of needing shelter and food that pushed out the need to fill one's intellectual, creative talents. Strange story that of Johnson because he brought such hell to the Vietmese, the laotians the Cambodians but he opened us up to education and freedom from hateful relationships. When I first left Wayne I applied for welfare but I couldn't get it becuase i had to be seperated from my husband for a year before I could be eligible for any money. When I went to work for welfare in 1975 there were huge posters in the waiting rooms advertising a court settlement that would pay for the damage of that regulation. I remember looking at the poster as I stopped breathing but I could never explain to anyone the irony and the pain-I almost fainted I think becuase I had literally burnt my old life on the alter of the new because there was absolutely no help for me when I needed it in 1966/1967. I am thinking that is part of why I am not so outraged with Blagouvich(?)in chicago-working class boy streching for the room to develop his talent but having to scratch up what his more privileged peers can take for granted. I guess he is unsuitable for his position-too much to overcome in one lifetime-but boy do I see myself in him ( in my own subjective position within my narrow, confined personal life.)
I loved recent contacts with Kimn one of the young High Priestess women who took over in the healing of my soul-she responded to my words about feeling kind of guilty that I never could keep my work long enough to manage credit/mortgage, that I have had to stay i a very confined space in order to maintain a regular life. she has some of the same feelings although as a High Priestess type honoring her commitments is not the issue it is for me still she says that she did feel concern in the past 30 years or so about her narrow life but now that people are falling down and dying and going to prison because so much of their lives were based on make believe she realizes that her way is much easier to maintain. I have always loved the small personal life that is affordable without trustfunds, expensive education and equally expensive connections AND I hve felt quilty because my natural love of luxury (mars/venus conjunct in Taurus and rising) has been forced into the background due to poverty (mars /venus intercepted in the first??).
Watching some of the TV that Arvin, the beloved grandwon, watches. I see why he loves George Lopez-that show takes on the conversations of the day-bullying at school, identification theft, the problems ordinary people encounter on their way to individuation.
Courtney has gone away and I don't know where she is. she is only 18 not old enough I think to go away without a trace. She has no money and no education and I worry about her making her way on underground sex and drugs-the only way out for lazy girls-the only street out of the poverty and insanity of her mother's home- she doesn't seem interested in regular jobs and regular school but that leaves her wide open to the lure of easy money which of course is not free just that the bill is presented later. Poverty again.

Christmas was the craziest ever and the New Year opens with my beloved and very old Civic being mortally wounded and I can not begin to replace it until later in the month and I am still paying December's rent and the house is full with no signs of change.
Reading Deidre Bair's biography of Jung-again. I am stunned to understand the level of international wealth he moved in. I have fought for years against the natural exclusion of the proletariat from Depth Psychology-at 60 I think it is because we cannot afford the time and the expense of this type of inner work. I think this fact is active in religions or traditions such as Buddhism and Catholism-people who use most of their energy and time in survival don't really have time for the education and introspection needed for spiritual understanding.
At any rate while reading her biography again I am thinking that I have always had a father complex and I wan unable to resolve it until I was in my late 50's. I made so many destructive choices out of that complex-my father let me down was stern and weak and my religion was pretty much the same. My real father was much more tender and loving than he was free to show me-I seem to have been born fighting him and I wonder about that Moon/Pluto combust and the stories i heard about my colic,etc. I was lactos intolerent but this was not understood in 1947-both sugar and the milk caused me to be diagnosed with hypoglycemia at a very young age but I continued eating the common diet until I learned to get thin in my teens and 20's-the symptoms returned when I started working in an office and was tied to my desk and the stress of dealing with the poverty of my clients and the poverty nipping at me own ankles. Saturn in the 4th-strength but often through adversity.
My dreams talking about the upcoming eclipse-seems that this is hitting off the T-square of mars 4 Taurus/Venus 7/Taurus and Saturn 5 Leo/Moon 11 Le0 Pluto 12 Leo and Chiron 5 Scorpio. The Moons Nnode is trine my sun at 4 Gemini and far trine NNeptune at 9 Libra. At any rate I dreamed of Rick and buffy and myself as inactive reviewing (Moon's s node in 7 Leo). Rick had not matured correctly and I saw his desk was an old government issue disk I was horrified. I asked him where his beautiful desk was and he said that it was in storage because it was attacked when someone tried to kill him. that someone I believe was George-the aquarius needed to make the square whole.
This entire theme has made me very nervous reminding me that we don't know the time or day of out death but for sure the time and day is there born with us I think.