Early morning here in the Bay Area. I am reminded of my young years at Harwood st.-sitting in my mattress on the floor bed, smoking Camels and writing, writing in my journals. My little girl asleep in her bed in her room full of toys and books the biggest room in the house.
the personal collapse that came after I left there did bring me into touch with the narcissum underneath. Not enough to be a full blown character disaster but enough to keep me from succeeding. Of course I had enough history that I should have been able to accept my good fortune to have a steady job with all the middle-class trappings but I ,of course, wanted to be like Elaine or Ann, the children of doctors with generations of family development-the narcissum. the narcissiaum began early with certain social wounds-early sexual shock and consequent social rejection. I don't really want to go over this again and again. I recently started thinking of Harwood St again where I lived until 1977 and before this has always been the trumpet blare of depression moving in.

whohoo-so that is what I did to survive. who knows perhaps there was some VERY serious child abuse (moon/pluto less than a degree apart the moon just past Pluto) early. My mother used to brag that I was off the bottle by six months and potty trained at under one year. HELLO!! Poor sad little girl as was my mother as was my father who I believe had a more sane life than my mother's. Well at any rate that is how I get through but get through I did.
Today 1/18/2009 here I am in a dark warm house. the cat is asleep in front of the heater and there are varying snores all over the house. Courtney's father is asleep in the big chair behind me-he is homeless I think or at the very least carless. There was a tiem when I hated him but I had a waking dream years ago when he stepped out from behind a purple/maroon velvet curtain and asked me to pray for him-I have been praying for him since then and no longer hate him.