I just got whacked back into woo-woo land after months of feeling free of thinking about who is "they".
Here is what led me back to this: who is financing the Al Queda? Who are the so-called suicide bombers? Why are they never given names or histories. Why aren't journalists asking questions?
Then today I came across a young male asking why before the crash of 2008 had the Japanese turned over their finances to some central banks and he was told that it was because Japan was threatened with an earthquake near to a nuclear reactor!!
Okay this is all because I am inclined to wonder and to notice that things are weird and to not trust the words that come over the radio and TV.
I was so disgusted with the talk of Illuminati thinking that the term was used against old Jewish scholars that the bigots thought that they had all the money. Lately I have come to realize that this is a term used for the "shadow government".
I know. I know but I can't give up the urge to wander into this never never land. I have returned to reading astrologer Donald Gabrau at his site Starpath Visions.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
WDNESDAY 12/30/09
I noticed that I am drawn over and over to Buddhism and I have started saving articles or partial articles that have moved me. I must be very careful here because it is so easy for me to fall in to the conversion mode and get all hysterical and then fall flatter than a pancake-my emotional makeup loves the high of conversion but my wholeness cannot live in a cramped tomb that is what most religions are.
The only "faith" that has lasted for me is Jungian psychology and Christianity stripped of the murdering and worship of suffering. Buddhism has attracted me which is pretty obvious having spent so much of my life in Berkeley but I have been put off by the middle-classness of the folks I encountered there just as I was put off by the beougious consciousness in the monestaries-in the US the one thing that will hold one back is class. I had to sacrifice everything, almost, in order to touch down and own my lower class reality. I had to be able to say Yes!! I was negelected and we were trashy and my father could be violent although he never beat us still he was scary and Mama could be very comforting but she was lost ot us in some mysterious way. And I didn't know how to do this other than to "take it on" become that woman I feared the one that my old friend uses to torment and hurt me-the trailer trash, the one who never comlpeted high school (but don't mention the college work with honors), the one whose daughter finished high school but who ended up doing so much meth that her brain was impacted or at least her development was impacted. I had to express this physically becuase I din't know how else to do it, to own this "grounded"self this physical being who will die and who will lose everything that she cherishes.
Well this is how I cam across the "FIVE REMEMBRANCES CHANT"
12/9/09Speaking of reflecting, here is the “Five Remembrances” chant:
“I will lose my youth, my health, my loved ones, everything I hold dear and, finally, life itself by the very nature of being human.”
I WILL LOSE:
1) MY YOUTH
2) MY HEALTH
3) MY LOVED ONES
4) EVERYTHING I HOLD DEAR
5)LIFE ITSELF
I WILL LOSE EVERYTHING SIMPLY BY NATURE OF BEING HUMAN
when I came across this my heart stopped and tears welled up as they say: this was exactly the source of my meloncholy-I have already lost so much of what I hold dear, so much and this chant reminds me that I will lose even more even life itself. I know this and now at almost 63 I accept this as true.
I have acquired Pema Chodin's "Start Where You Are" on being on the path of compassion. I love that she was student of Trumpka Rinpoche who wrote "Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism" which I read in my 20's and which got through my crazy mind and really moved me and started me on this path. I was horriied by the stories of his alcoholism and the sexism even as I was preparing to descend into my own alcoholism and spend years with Roland and simply wasting an entire decade really-hmmm!!?? I am no longer shocked by the wise man's alchoholism although I still miss him and wonder who he will come back as (oh!! little dreamer!!)-I guess that the "baby" has already been born and that the corrupt Bhuddist leaders in tibet would have already gone out searching for her/him if out old traditional world could continue on but als here we are at the beginning of a new age and the old ways are just memories and books now.
The only "faith" that has lasted for me is Jungian psychology and Christianity stripped of the murdering and worship of suffering. Buddhism has attracted me which is pretty obvious having spent so much of my life in Berkeley but I have been put off by the middle-classness of the folks I encountered there just as I was put off by the beougious consciousness in the monestaries-in the US the one thing that will hold one back is class. I had to sacrifice everything, almost, in order to touch down and own my lower class reality. I had to be able to say Yes!! I was negelected and we were trashy and my father could be violent although he never beat us still he was scary and Mama could be very comforting but she was lost ot us in some mysterious way. And I didn't know how to do this other than to "take it on" become that woman I feared the one that my old friend uses to torment and hurt me-the trailer trash, the one who never comlpeted high school (but don't mention the college work with honors), the one whose daughter finished high school but who ended up doing so much meth that her brain was impacted or at least her development was impacted. I had to express this physically becuase I din't know how else to do it, to own this "grounded"self this physical being who will die and who will lose everything that she cherishes.
Well this is how I cam across the "FIVE REMEMBRANCES CHANT"
12/9/09Speaking of reflecting, here is the “Five Remembrances” chant:
“I will lose my youth, my health, my loved ones, everything I hold dear and, finally, life itself by the very nature of being human.”
I WILL LOSE:
1) MY YOUTH
2) MY HEALTH
3) MY LOVED ONES
4) EVERYTHING I HOLD DEAR
5)LIFE ITSELF
I WILL LOSE EVERYTHING SIMPLY BY NATURE OF BEING HUMAN
when I came across this my heart stopped and tears welled up as they say: this was exactly the source of my meloncholy-I have already lost so much of what I hold dear, so much and this chant reminds me that I will lose even more even life itself. I know this and now at almost 63 I accept this as true.
I have acquired Pema Chodin's "Start Where You Are" on being on the path of compassion. I love that she was student of Trumpka Rinpoche who wrote "Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism" which I read in my 20's and which got through my crazy mind and really moved me and started me on this path. I was horriied by the stories of his alcoholism and the sexism even as I was preparing to descend into my own alcoholism and spend years with Roland and simply wasting an entire decade really-hmmm!!?? I am no longer shocked by the wise man's alchoholism although I still miss him and wonder who he will come back as (oh!! little dreamer!!)-I guess that the "baby" has already been born and that the corrupt Bhuddist leaders in tibet would have already gone out searching for her/him if out old traditional world could continue on but als here we are at the beginning of a new age and the old ways are just memories and books now.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
12/24/2009
12/24/2009
So some money came through and we will have Christmas dinner and even now we are all up eating carnitas burritos from pork I cooked all evening at about 200 degrees-grand daughter Courtney finally pulled the pot out of the oven and turned off the heat. Wonderful delight and the healthcare bill has passed,
I imagine that the fight has only now begun and the money will keep people riled up and preventing any change. I think that there is reason for the retired people of means to feel attacked and frightened. I don't know so much because as a low end income person I will somehow be subsidized. I know that the management folk from where I worked may be worried-those who make more in retirement than they earned while working delegating everything. So I imagine that those with incomes of $100,000 and more may be very anxious and I don't like that but there it is. I am sure that the bill will be adjusted and changed but I hoe that it stays AND that we change the anti-??? can't get that term up again but I am referring to the change in the law that protects the insurance companies from competition,etc. if the insurance companies weren't so fat and spoiled things might work out for those of us who have to pay more for our medical insurance now. I know that if this affects the very well-off they will doom it.
I read someone who explained why there is the early shut-off on the FICA tax-$82,050 right now (I think)-because Social Security is considered a "working man's" program. I never "thought" of that the why for the arbitrary cut-off, that is why I worry about any of the taxes and programs that tax the wealthy the wealthy can bring to bear immense pressure against what they don't like-the wealthy and the government.
What am I rambling on about? Well realizing that all this Teabag/fancy traveling buses is from the wealth that many folk have access to now and they have been very effective, really frightening folk because one) they look like what these folk are accustomed to seeing and 2) they are paying attention to people who are ignored and feel ignored. I have always understood Sarah Palin's attraction : she looks and sounds like the "salt of the earth" folk and she addresses their values and questions and understands their fear. I am hoping to give an example here of how emotion is used now in 2009 just as crude as it was in 1909 and 1809.
If the wealthy are able to prevent the changes needed the entire effort may be destroyed.
So some money came through and we will have Christmas dinner and even now we are all up eating carnitas burritos from pork I cooked all evening at about 200 degrees-grand daughter Courtney finally pulled the pot out of the oven and turned off the heat. Wonderful delight and the healthcare bill has passed,
I imagine that the fight has only now begun and the money will keep people riled up and preventing any change. I think that there is reason for the retired people of means to feel attacked and frightened. I don't know so much because as a low end income person I will somehow be subsidized. I know that the management folk from where I worked may be worried-those who make more in retirement than they earned while working delegating everything. So I imagine that those with incomes of $100,000 and more may be very anxious and I don't like that but there it is. I am sure that the bill will be adjusted and changed but I hoe that it stays AND that we change the anti-??? can't get that term up again but I am referring to the change in the law that protects the insurance companies from competition,etc. if the insurance companies weren't so fat and spoiled things might work out for those of us who have to pay more for our medical insurance now. I know that if this affects the very well-off they will doom it.
I read someone who explained why there is the early shut-off on the FICA tax-$82,050 right now (I think)-because Social Security is considered a "working man's" program. I never "thought" of that the why for the arbitrary cut-off, that is why I worry about any of the taxes and programs that tax the wealthy the wealthy can bring to bear immense pressure against what they don't like-the wealthy and the government.
What am I rambling on about? Well realizing that all this Teabag/fancy traveling buses is from the wealth that many folk have access to now and they have been very effective, really frightening folk because one) they look like what these folk are accustomed to seeing and 2) they are paying attention to people who are ignored and feel ignored. I have always understood Sarah Palin's attraction : she looks and sounds like the "salt of the earth" folk and she addresses their values and questions and understands their fear. I am hoping to give an example here of how emotion is used now in 2009 just as crude as it was in 1909 and 1809.
If the wealthy are able to prevent the changes needed the entire effort may be destroyed.
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
12/23/2009
12/23/09
This is perhaps the saddest Christmas yet. Absolutely no money-Steve has not received his pay and I have exhausted all of mine and there is no Christmas dinner either and no tree. My sister cries and pretends to be far away and reminds me of our father who would sacrifice anyone anytime so that he could look good. A deep selfishness there that I always mistrusted because he rejected and denied me when I was very young in the context of remaining the beautiful one.
HMMM! I sure didn't know that that was coming out but wow-time to look at that and let it go. Time to recognize that John was an only child with a mean father and disabled mother and a rebellious soul.
I began to weep and decided to look at john's chart:not sure of time or place a hinderance so I used Harrison, AR which is near Fort Smith and I know there were ties there and his favorite cousin Marie lived on a farm outside of Fort Smith and I used 10AM as an estimate time.
New moon baby,Aries with Taurus moon and Mercury conjunct the Moon-very ,very bright in a practical way. He made things with his hands and could repair absolutely anything and even singlehandedly redesigned ( and did all of the work alone) our bathroom in Kansas. He worked for years as a lineman for Northern natural Gas making piss wages but turning the time into an investigation of the Plains People whose campgrounds could still be found as if they just left for the day. He brought home all manner of things and animals and he loved animals.
Life as an undereducated young man with emotional problems and absolutely no family, no connections was harsh and lonely I think especially because he was so very bright and creative and really had many more gifts than the folks he was forced to live and work with. He was rejected because he talked of things they had never seen or heard of, things he had seen and known. His peers thought that he was a liar and a cheat and he always had money problems (Saturn/Neptune in the 2nd I think). He learned to shrug them off and go his own way as we would expect with a New Moon Aries. Not too much going on with that Aries Sun but he was very creative if lonely.
Venus/Mars opposition Venus in Pisces and Mars in Virgo. I tangled with this all of our lives together. He was so loving especially toward children and small animals BUT he demanded that they measure up and accept criticism and get to work immediately on correcting themselves.
My father and I struggled-him to correct my course and me to get him off me so that I could feel good.
Okay it is now 6 AM and I am not inclined to go further into this chart but I thank my source for this opportunity to see John as he was in his own center,to forgive him to ask his forgiveness for my youthful rebellion and rejection. ANd the opportunity to state that he was repressive and and frightening-my nephew Randy has a similar report although others in the family saw him differently.
I wasn't expecting this Christmas visit with John, my father this time but I am grateful and I feel released in a deep place.
Now Steve and I are off to the grocery store to begin shopping for the family dinner Friday 12/25/09. I will keep it as simple as possible and pray that his check for services rendered from august on will show up. Sending Schwarzeneggar and his evil ,greedy friends hopes for stomach pain and disturbing dreams. Fuck them all for using people like Steve and I as their pawns. there is absolutely no need to do this to working folks as if we are the problem. Really fuck them all.
This is perhaps the saddest Christmas yet. Absolutely no money-Steve has not received his pay and I have exhausted all of mine and there is no Christmas dinner either and no tree. My sister cries and pretends to be far away and reminds me of our father who would sacrifice anyone anytime so that he could look good. A deep selfishness there that I always mistrusted because he rejected and denied me when I was very young in the context of remaining the beautiful one.
HMMM! I sure didn't know that that was coming out but wow-time to look at that and let it go. Time to recognize that John was an only child with a mean father and disabled mother and a rebellious soul.
I began to weep and decided to look at john's chart:not sure of time or place a hinderance so I used Harrison, AR which is near Fort Smith and I know there were ties there and his favorite cousin Marie lived on a farm outside of Fort Smith and I used 10AM as an estimate time.
New moon baby,Aries with Taurus moon and Mercury conjunct the Moon-very ,very bright in a practical way. He made things with his hands and could repair absolutely anything and even singlehandedly redesigned ( and did all of the work alone) our bathroom in Kansas. He worked for years as a lineman for Northern natural Gas making piss wages but turning the time into an investigation of the Plains People whose campgrounds could still be found as if they just left for the day. He brought home all manner of things and animals and he loved animals.
Life as an undereducated young man with emotional problems and absolutely no family, no connections was harsh and lonely I think especially because he was so very bright and creative and really had many more gifts than the folks he was forced to live and work with. He was rejected because he talked of things they had never seen or heard of, things he had seen and known. His peers thought that he was a liar and a cheat and he always had money problems (Saturn/Neptune in the 2nd I think). He learned to shrug them off and go his own way as we would expect with a New Moon Aries. Not too much going on with that Aries Sun but he was very creative if lonely.
Venus/Mars opposition Venus in Pisces and Mars in Virgo. I tangled with this all of our lives together. He was so loving especially toward children and small animals BUT he demanded that they measure up and accept criticism and get to work immediately on correcting themselves.
My father and I struggled-him to correct my course and me to get him off me so that I could feel good.
Okay it is now 6 AM and I am not inclined to go further into this chart but I thank my source for this opportunity to see John as he was in his own center,to forgive him to ask his forgiveness for my youthful rebellion and rejection. ANd the opportunity to state that he was repressive and and frightening-my nephew Randy has a similar report although others in the family saw him differently.
I wasn't expecting this Christmas visit with John, my father this time but I am grateful and I feel released in a deep place.
Now Steve and I are off to the grocery store to begin shopping for the family dinner Friday 12/25/09. I will keep it as simple as possible and pray that his check for services rendered from august on will show up. Sending Schwarzeneggar and his evil ,greedy friends hopes for stomach pain and disturbing dreams. Fuck them all for using people like Steve and I as their pawns. there is absolutely no need to do this to working folks as if we are the problem. Really fuck them all.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
12/22/2009
Blessed solstice and Happy Yule to all of us!! And I mean this no matter what may come even if we are gratefully eating legumes and cornbread.
You may wonder why I am complaining in the personal mode-California has NOT paid my SO since September and even our progressive State Rep's (Nancy Skinner) office is giving us different replies and no money. This is what it means for literally thousands,who knows millions, of folk here.I am one of the fortunate ones-I have a pension and Social Security but this covers the basics here in California with literally nothing left over for the trimmings-that is why Steve has felt so blessed to get these tutoring/editing positions through the Dept of Rehab while he finishes his education.
I began this for Astroworld but realized that it was way too personal and long winded.
I am supporting the likes of Bernie Sanders and Patrick Leahy and therefore the passage of this clumsy and scary health care bill. As Bernie said this includes community health care centers to get folks out of the emergency rooms. We will work on the law as we go along. I know that the Democrats are not the source of our difficulties and we will get things resolved.
I am back to supporting Obama-wonderful words by Bernie Sanders of Vermont shifted me and convinced me that this bill must go through and WE will clean it up and get the awful stuff out of there. I do believe that we can clean up the amendment that allows the insurance companies to be protected as they practice anti-competition through law. I know there is a term, the anti-????, but it is early morning and I can't get the term up through the fog in my mind.
I am making bread and I am committed to being a light for my family-this will get worked out somehow even if it means celebrating the season next week.
I was thinking of a couple of single friends who think that I am abused by my partner because he has not been paid since September by the State of California. Oh I hear from a couple of my friends who are single about how he has been in school for years now and he should get another job. Well dear friends he now has such a high GPA that he is graduating with honors and he has tried to find other work to no avail in these days of 10+ unemployment and even higher here in the Bay Area. We will get the money eventually and our lives will get better and we will stay together in love and friendship. What the "step-sisters" don't see is how he throws everything he earns or receives into the pot just as I do - everything,EVERYTHING we do we do by discussion and we share everything and he has helped me raise my grandchildren,stayed here when my sister and my mother were here and hating us and hating California and my ragamuffin,hippie way of life. Whee!! these same "stepsisters" would drop me in a heartbeat if they have an opportunity to build a new relationship-they have done this repeatedly in the past and I would just go on with my boring,Civil Service job, apartment living, half Hippie way. Not real successful but at least I have something now.
Okay enough of that whining. Yes I feel betrayed here but these women are complex as am I and the relationships have so many layers and such patina from years simply years of relatedness so I am willing to live with the complexity,
I love the Salvation Army ads this year; the ads show wonderful young women expressing gratitude and love for all the agency has done for them and their children. I am no longer Christian but I think that much worse could happen to these young women and their children than praying to an invisible god and living with some very restrictive social rules and the thought of them being out of the streets and the pimps and the drugs is wonderful. The company doing the ads found some really wonderful young women to represent the program.
You may wonder why I am complaining in the personal mode-California has NOT paid my SO since September and even our progressive State Rep's (Nancy Skinner) office is giving us different replies and no money. This is what it means for literally thousands,who knows millions, of folk here.I am one of the fortunate ones-I have a pension and Social Security but this covers the basics here in California with literally nothing left over for the trimmings-that is why Steve has felt so blessed to get these tutoring/editing positions through the Dept of Rehab while he finishes his education.
I began this for Astroworld but realized that it was way too personal and long winded.
I am supporting the likes of Bernie Sanders and Patrick Leahy and therefore the passage of this clumsy and scary health care bill. As Bernie said this includes community health care centers to get folks out of the emergency rooms. We will work on the law as we go along. I know that the Democrats are not the source of our difficulties and we will get things resolved.
I am back to supporting Obama-wonderful words by Bernie Sanders of Vermont shifted me and convinced me that this bill must go through and WE will clean it up and get the awful stuff out of there. I do believe that we can clean up the amendment that allows the insurance companies to be protected as they practice anti-competition through law. I know there is a term, the anti-????, but it is early morning and I can't get the term up through the fog in my mind.
I am making bread and I am committed to being a light for my family-this will get worked out somehow even if it means celebrating the season next week.
I was thinking of a couple of single friends who think that I am abused by my partner because he has not been paid since September by the State of California. Oh I hear from a couple of my friends who are single about how he has been in school for years now and he should get another job. Well dear friends he now has such a high GPA that he is graduating with honors and he has tried to find other work to no avail in these days of 10+ unemployment and even higher here in the Bay Area. We will get the money eventually and our lives will get better and we will stay together in love and friendship. What the "step-sisters" don't see is how he throws everything he earns or receives into the pot just as I do - everything,EVERYTHING we do we do by discussion and we share everything and he has helped me raise my grandchildren,stayed here when my sister and my mother were here and hating us and hating California and my ragamuffin,hippie way of life. Whee!! these same "stepsisters" would drop me in a heartbeat if they have an opportunity to build a new relationship-they have done this repeatedly in the past and I would just go on with my boring,Civil Service job, apartment living, half Hippie way. Not real successful but at least I have something now.
Okay enough of that whining. Yes I feel betrayed here but these women are complex as am I and the relationships have so many layers and such patina from years simply years of relatedness so I am willing to live with the complexity,
I love the Salvation Army ads this year; the ads show wonderful young women expressing gratitude and love for all the agency has done for them and their children. I am no longer Christian but I think that much worse could happen to these young women and their children than praying to an invisible god and living with some very restrictive social rules and the thought of them being out of the streets and the pimps and the drugs is wonderful. The company doing the ads found some really wonderful young women to represent the program.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
12/19/2009
12/19/09
So yesterday I went to my very sexy MD, a beautiful,grungie,smart and kind woman of of say late 30's early 40's/ I love her and love to talk to her and we had a deep one and one conversation on my use of Vicodin, the fact that this is the only pain reliever after Tylenol available to me and the fact that there is a tendency to increase the dosage as time goes by because it is habit forming. I have been through this and so I discipline myself to back off which is relatively easy to do-I just seem to use as much as i can get but not going over the magic four uses in one day.
Baking bread and making broccoli soup and perhaps later sausage pizzas. fun for a cool day.
The kittens are really looking grown now much the way teenagers appear grownup but aren't yet mature. They are a delight especially when they tromp through the house sounding like an invading army these three little cats who don't weigh five pounds. They get drunk on the hormones that teach them to hunt and capture and then they cannot settle down to rest even when they want to/ the little girl, Mercy, has a little begging mew when this happens to her and she then wants me to pick her up and pet her very softly and kiss her and talk to her and then she curls up and sleeps. She is the sweetest little thing and I believe that she is a healer and I love our little time together and I believe that my soul is renewed in this relationship. True to her youth when she awakens she is all puffy little cat and runs off to see what her brothers are up to. I love these kittens and accept that we now have four cats.
This is the holiest time I have recognized in years. I spent the last year reading up a little on the old ways, the Celts,etc and the Romans,the Jews. Some are involved with Wicca but I can't really do that having been born Christian although I am no longer Christian either.
So yesterday I went to my very sexy MD, a beautiful,grungie,smart and kind woman of of say late 30's early 40's/ I love her and love to talk to her and we had a deep one and one conversation on my use of Vicodin, the fact that this is the only pain reliever after Tylenol available to me and the fact that there is a tendency to increase the dosage as time goes by because it is habit forming. I have been through this and so I discipline myself to back off which is relatively easy to do-I just seem to use as much as i can get but not going over the magic four uses in one day.
Baking bread and making broccoli soup and perhaps later sausage pizzas. fun for a cool day.
The kittens are really looking grown now much the way teenagers appear grownup but aren't yet mature. They are a delight especially when they tromp through the house sounding like an invading army these three little cats who don't weigh five pounds. They get drunk on the hormones that teach them to hunt and capture and then they cannot settle down to rest even when they want to/ the little girl, Mercy, has a little begging mew when this happens to her and she then wants me to pick her up and pet her very softly and kiss her and talk to her and then she curls up and sleeps. She is the sweetest little thing and I believe that she is a healer and I love our little time together and I believe that my soul is renewed in this relationship. True to her youth when she awakens she is all puffy little cat and runs off to see what her brothers are up to. I love these kittens and accept that we now have four cats.
This is the holiest time I have recognized in years. I spent the last year reading up a little on the old ways, the Celts,etc and the Romans,the Jews. Some are involved with Wicca but I can't really do that having been born Christian although I am no longer Christian either.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
12/17/09
I think what has happened from Obama on down with the Dems is that they have forgotten that if they demand the middle-class pay what the insurance companies want we the citizens don't have any one to bail us out like they do. We would have had that with the "public option" but not now.Also, this country remains "pro choice" and not all women with a pregnancy that they cannot mange to support have wealthy lovers, husbands, fathers,etc to fly them away tomorrow to a country where they can get the medical care that they need and deserve.
I wrote this for my beloved Starlight News but it is alas purely political as Mars prepares to turn retrograde for two and a half months in Leo!! I know that the bill will not pass at this point (healthcare coverage change)and I blame Obama and Rahm Emmanuel for this-they are so accustomed to being protected that they don't realize how hideous this bill is or at the very least they don't know what it is like to have no net beneath one-they are coddled and protected all the way by the "Masters of the Universe" protect them as long as they do what they are sent to do.
Went to Judy's for a cocktail party!! Little nibbles and eggnog,etc. I pushed to leave early not wanting to sit around and try to talk politics with my dear friend when she is tired and grouchy. she loves Chris Matthews who sometimes agrees with my understanding but mostly is simply an insider who takes the "party" line and this time as so often I am in rebellion.
Wonderful front page article confirming what we "liberals" have tried to explain for years: use of drugs and alcohol among the young is way down and stying down but ,horrors of horrors, the young ones no longer consider drugs the biggest evil in the world. EXACTLY you money grubbing, Puritanical lawmakers who insist that marijuana is the same as heroin, who believe that anyone involved with drugs is a felon and should die in prison. We have always understood that if people are informed and free they will in the huge majority choose not to live stoned-period. There is no need at all to lie, no need at all to spend our treasure fighting the "war on drugs". Well you know the Authorities are very upset that the young people are not upset. Imagine how much money there would be for jobs, housing .medical care if we weren't fighting that "war on drugs".
I salute Pluto as he enters Capricorn!! Hello!! These fat cats our, modern nobility, deserve to have their royal butts kicked. Truly it is time to tear the rotten things down and leave the healthy things.
I wrote this for my beloved Starlight News but it is alas purely political as Mars prepares to turn retrograde for two and a half months in Leo!! I know that the bill will not pass at this point (healthcare coverage change)and I blame Obama and Rahm Emmanuel for this-they are so accustomed to being protected that they don't realize how hideous this bill is or at the very least they don't know what it is like to have no net beneath one-they are coddled and protected all the way by the "Masters of the Universe" protect them as long as they do what they are sent to do.
Went to Judy's for a cocktail party!! Little nibbles and eggnog,etc. I pushed to leave early not wanting to sit around and try to talk politics with my dear friend when she is tired and grouchy. she loves Chris Matthews who sometimes agrees with my understanding but mostly is simply an insider who takes the "party" line and this time as so often I am in rebellion.
Wonderful front page article confirming what we "liberals" have tried to explain for years: use of drugs and alcohol among the young is way down and stying down but ,horrors of horrors, the young ones no longer consider drugs the biggest evil in the world. EXACTLY you money grubbing, Puritanical lawmakers who insist that marijuana is the same as heroin, who believe that anyone involved with drugs is a felon and should die in prison. We have always understood that if people are informed and free they will in the huge majority choose not to live stoned-period. There is no need at all to lie, no need at all to spend our treasure fighting the "war on drugs". Well you know the Authorities are very upset that the young people are not upset. Imagine how much money there would be for jobs, housing .medical care if we weren't fighting that "war on drugs".
I salute Pluto as he enters Capricorn!! Hello!! These fat cats our, modern nobility, deserve to have their royal butts kicked. Truly it is time to tear the rotten things down and leave the healthy things.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
12/16/2009-Wayne turns 66
12/16/09
So again Happy Birthday Wayne. May this be the best year yet. May you swim in warm, clear waters and may the depths reveal to you her secrets and enchant you and heal all that binds you and keeps you from the love you want.
I forgive you utterly. We were so young and both of wounded. We did the best we could but it was not enough. You could not do more for us than provide a little money and a lot of sex. I could not do more than love the child and try to provide a safe home but in the end that was certainly not enough. I have no bitterness. You did the best you could and so did I and we were both the expression of long, long family dramas that we brought to life. So it is.
Of all the seasons I love Yule and Spring the most. Yule is the one where we are free to abandon ourselves to beauty and bounty. Candles and candy, cakes and goose and Christmas Trees and Lights and warm clothes and surprises. I have always loved it and the Sabian Symbol for my Sun is 4Gemini-A fully lighted Christmas Tree. Christmas Day is The Feast Day of them all for me far surpassing Easter and Thanksgiving. I used to love Thanksgiving because it was free of the depths of Christmas and therefore freed me from my mother whose unspoken secrets scared the pants off me (literally?!?! Tehetehe.) Now my mother is dead and yes I miss her and the light part of her but I do not miss that haunted presence which was her unshared stories and memories and Christmas is all mine now to share with my family as I understand it. My mother always broke down at Christmas weeping and scaring me to death and she would always say that is was because she was always so poor at Christmas and she would tell stories of poverty of the Great Depression but I now know that the true poverty was the the birth of her only son,illegitimate and hidden and given away to childless couple and kept secret always from my father and we daughters-he was born 12/26/1943. that was part of the secrets I always felt but could not name.
My granddaughter and I had the most magical incredible morning talking and sharing plans for her future. She is not as unaware as I thought and acknowledges how expensive it is for to support her and Jamal and I am convinced that she will get things together and that together all of us here can help her heal from her childhood-I know her chart i know how strong she is and she will make it. she is also more inquisitive than I have given her credit for it is just that she is still quite immature and this will pass with time.
So again Happy Birthday Wayne. May this be the best year yet. May you swim in warm, clear waters and may the depths reveal to you her secrets and enchant you and heal all that binds you and keeps you from the love you want.
I forgive you utterly. We were so young and both of wounded. We did the best we could but it was not enough. You could not do more for us than provide a little money and a lot of sex. I could not do more than love the child and try to provide a safe home but in the end that was certainly not enough. I have no bitterness. You did the best you could and so did I and we were both the expression of long, long family dramas that we brought to life. So it is.
Of all the seasons I love Yule and Spring the most. Yule is the one where we are free to abandon ourselves to beauty and bounty. Candles and candy, cakes and goose and Christmas Trees and Lights and warm clothes and surprises. I have always loved it and the Sabian Symbol for my Sun is 4Gemini-A fully lighted Christmas Tree. Christmas Day is The Feast Day of them all for me far surpassing Easter and Thanksgiving. I used to love Thanksgiving because it was free of the depths of Christmas and therefore freed me from my mother whose unspoken secrets scared the pants off me (literally?!?! Tehetehe.) Now my mother is dead and yes I miss her and the light part of her but I do not miss that haunted presence which was her unshared stories and memories and Christmas is all mine now to share with my family as I understand it. My mother always broke down at Christmas weeping and scaring me to death and she would always say that is was because she was always so poor at Christmas and she would tell stories of poverty of the Great Depression but I now know that the true poverty was the the birth of her only son,illegitimate and hidden and given away to childless couple and kept secret always from my father and we daughters-he was born 12/26/1943. that was part of the secrets I always felt but could not name.
My granddaughter and I had the most magical incredible morning talking and sharing plans for her future. She is not as unaware as I thought and acknowledges how expensive it is for to support her and Jamal and I am convinced that she will get things together and that together all of us here can help her heal from her childhood-I know her chart i know how strong she is and she will make it. she is also more inquisitive than I have given her credit for it is just that she is still quite immature and this will pass with time.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
12/15/09
A dear old friend called me last week and said "Clymela,I am going shopping on Tuesday and I want you to come with me as my guest." I was so surprised that I started to cry, We were just out of resources waiting for Steve's money from the State and then finding that actually the State was not paying UIB/SDI, etc. because supposedly they, the State government, squandered 7 billion dollars the Feds granted in order to update the BIG State computer system.
Well we will get paid this week because we finally called Nancy Skinner's office. She has a "caseworker" who researches things and gets action if that is appropriate.
This weekend I heard that the government had all manner of clerical folk working to hand issue these delayed checks.
I hate Schwarzenegger! so crude but really I do for all the destruction he has caused in his flat footed attempt to make people see that government doesn't work. I guess he and his wort are winning the propaganda wars-government doesn't work they dry and sure enough it does not but people would not believe this if they knew the truth.
Now back to my charmed life. My friend said on our way to the store after saying to her that I didn't know what to do because "going to the store" can mean a lot of different things and I felt awkward. She said I want you to just go crazy and buy every thing that comes to mind.
Well I did buy a basket of food with my usual love of "specials" and did turn away so that I don't know the total but I do know that the basket was close to $200.
My friend has always had money as have many of my friends. This was her classy way of acknowledging my hardships right now. she also treated me to breakfast and we discussed the importance of getting the kids to pay their own way and get out on their own as soon as possible
Brought up all the Chiron conjunct Nessus conjunct Jupiter-recognition of wounds and the opportunity to find a new path/a new consciousness. I can';t relly undo all the mistakes of the past nor can I make up to Courtney what Amy didn't get but I can do my best to help now.
Saturn/Pluto square-Donna Cunningham says rage is everywhere. I don't know about rage but I sure do know that the fat cats seem to get away with everything even when the whole world can see them.
Another thing canceled the subscription to the chronicle and started a subscription to the West County Times. I had been thinking of this for a bit especially since the chronicle has not once written about the States refusal to pay UIB,etc. Fuck the Chronicle and the disgusting corrupt corporation (The Hearst Publishing Company)that owns it. Too much money for too little-no news at all. The Hearst Company wanted to destroy the chronicle and well they have.
Well we will get paid this week because we finally called Nancy Skinner's office. She has a "caseworker" who researches things and gets action if that is appropriate.
This weekend I heard that the government had all manner of clerical folk working to hand issue these delayed checks.
I hate Schwarzenegger! so crude but really I do for all the destruction he has caused in his flat footed attempt to make people see that government doesn't work. I guess he and his wort are winning the propaganda wars-government doesn't work they dry and sure enough it does not but people would not believe this if they knew the truth.
Now back to my charmed life. My friend said on our way to the store after saying to her that I didn't know what to do because "going to the store" can mean a lot of different things and I felt awkward. She said I want you to just go crazy and buy every thing that comes to mind.
Well I did buy a basket of food with my usual love of "specials" and did turn away so that I don't know the total but I do know that the basket was close to $200.
My friend has always had money as have many of my friends. This was her classy way of acknowledging my hardships right now. she also treated me to breakfast and we discussed the importance of getting the kids to pay their own way and get out on their own as soon as possible
Brought up all the Chiron conjunct Nessus conjunct Jupiter-recognition of wounds and the opportunity to find a new path/a new consciousness. I can';t relly undo all the mistakes of the past nor can I make up to Courtney what Amy didn't get but I can do my best to help now.
Saturn/Pluto square-Donna Cunningham says rage is everywhere. I don't know about rage but I sure do know that the fat cats seem to get away with everything even when the whole world can see them.
Another thing canceled the subscription to the chronicle and started a subscription to the West County Times. I had been thinking of this for a bit especially since the chronicle has not once written about the States refusal to pay UIB,etc. Fuck the Chronicle and the disgusting corrupt corporation (The Hearst Publishing Company)that owns it. Too much money for too little-no news at all. The Hearst Company wanted to destroy the chronicle and well they have.
Monday, December 14, 2009
12/14/09
So here you are old friend-all the ramblings since the end of November. I am sincerely wanting you to be around to read this.
Sick of the news about Tiger Woods and his double life. wonder what we are not talking about? Oh!! let me think -banks!!! The deficit????? What the fuck is really going on in Afghanistan????? what we have really done in Iraq!!!!
Sick of the news about Tiger Woods and his double life. wonder what we are not talking about? Oh!! let me think -banks!!! The deficit????? What the fuck is really going on in Afghanistan????? what we have really done in Iraq!!!!
12/13/09
12/13/09 So when i awakened at around 4:15 I had an upset stomach and then when i tried to return to sleep I could not. the older kids,Courtney and Jamal are still up-Jamal says that he is writing his essays for the course at laney.
Turns out that Courtney only completed ten units of high school-all the times when she said that she completed school work at school and I said but the other kids have hours of school work every day. Now she is facing this and feels so alone. Steve and I would like to help her get high school behind her so that she can go on to college. This is going to take time and energy and love and prayer.
Watching Mosaic with a Catholic interviewing a priest from San Jose who is a trained exorcist. I wonder if these practicing Catholics would consider me possessed? I know that I find the turn the church is taking these days troubling. Seems to me that we are going backwards into superstition and this will result in something very dangerous for us protestants-and I am not referring to religions here but to those of us who cannot believe that Life would be so cruel-requiring folks to imagine in only one way otherwise off to burn for eternity.
I also noted that this priest is invited only to FOX the current purveyor of the modern fascism-perhaps this is why I "left" the church-I cannot believe that the God of my experience would drive out anyone,anyone. I believe that my god(Father)/goddess(mother)/son/daughter will be there for anyone who honestly comes and says "I have been mistaken and I have failed and also I have hurt so many and failed so much please help me find the way to you and the way to express you here in my life in my time right now here on earth". I believe in that "divine spark" that the President referred to in his recent Nobel acceptance speech in Sweden and I believe that this spark can turn into a flame just in our sincere desire to change and live that change in our daily ordinary lives-the Saints are all wonderful and we could do that if confined to convents and monasteries with our lives focused on Jesus. I realized this the other day when someone quoted Dame Julian of Norwich-what I realized is that most of the folk even the lower sisters of her order had to work so hard just to eat and stay warm and have clothing that they simply had no time for reflecting on the Holy plus they could not read even if they came by something to read. I just had an awakening there. I still love Dame Julian being blessed to be born in a time and place where girls are educated freely and often out preform the boys.
At any rate the priest who is called to talk on FOX about the physical presence of Satan and the necessity of exorcism is aligned with the forces who want to destroy those who see things differently. Of course those who remain committed to the Church are going to feel attacked I think but this is not necessary-we are in a new age and I am thinking that this great conjunction of Jupiter/Neptune and Chiron in late Aquarius is something like the Star that the Magi followed in the Christ story. We are now in the Aquarian Age -perhaps not to my liking but here we are. I came across one astrologer ruminating on the loss of our environment and how perhaps in the mental sign of Aquarius we won't need the physical environment as we took for granted during the Piscean Age. I don't know that that is the last word but his words shook me up and caused me to look more deeply into my thoughts and beliefs. Fascinating shook me up oh little one with Mars/Venus rising in early Taurus.
lately I am coming to recognize the envy and jealousy and covetness in my makeup. I was devastated with envy when I heard that Devaki inherited not only her mother's house but also $400,000 cash. Recognizing this due the intimate nature of our friendship (she has recently cut me out of her life due to her resentment of my leaving her for Roland-I was too afraid to be lesbian then and now that I could stand the challenge I find that i am not lesbian simply convoluted in my response to men dating back to early childhood.
Turns out that Courtney only completed ten units of high school-all the times when she said that she completed school work at school and I said but the other kids have hours of school work every day. Now she is facing this and feels so alone. Steve and I would like to help her get high school behind her so that she can go on to college. This is going to take time and energy and love and prayer.
Watching Mosaic with a Catholic interviewing a priest from San Jose who is a trained exorcist. I wonder if these practicing Catholics would consider me possessed? I know that I find the turn the church is taking these days troubling. Seems to me that we are going backwards into superstition and this will result in something very dangerous for us protestants-and I am not referring to religions here but to those of us who cannot believe that Life would be so cruel-requiring folks to imagine in only one way otherwise off to burn for eternity.
I also noted that this priest is invited only to FOX the current purveyor of the modern fascism-perhaps this is why I "left" the church-I cannot believe that the God of my experience would drive out anyone,anyone. I believe that my god(Father)/goddess(mother)/son/daughter will be there for anyone who honestly comes and says "I have been mistaken and I have failed and also I have hurt so many and failed so much please help me find the way to you and the way to express you here in my life in my time right now here on earth". I believe in that "divine spark" that the President referred to in his recent Nobel acceptance speech in Sweden and I believe that this spark can turn into a flame just in our sincere desire to change and live that change in our daily ordinary lives-the Saints are all wonderful and we could do that if confined to convents and monasteries with our lives focused on Jesus. I realized this the other day when someone quoted Dame Julian of Norwich-what I realized is that most of the folk even the lower sisters of her order had to work so hard just to eat and stay warm and have clothing that they simply had no time for reflecting on the Holy plus they could not read even if they came by something to read. I just had an awakening there. I still love Dame Julian being blessed to be born in a time and place where girls are educated freely and often out preform the boys.
At any rate the priest who is called to talk on FOX about the physical presence of Satan and the necessity of exorcism is aligned with the forces who want to destroy those who see things differently. Of course those who remain committed to the Church are going to feel attacked I think but this is not necessary-we are in a new age and I am thinking that this great conjunction of Jupiter/Neptune and Chiron in late Aquarius is something like the Star that the Magi followed in the Christ story. We are now in the Aquarian Age -perhaps not to my liking but here we are. I came across one astrologer ruminating on the loss of our environment and how perhaps in the mental sign of Aquarius we won't need the physical environment as we took for granted during the Piscean Age. I don't know that that is the last word but his words shook me up and caused me to look more deeply into my thoughts and beliefs. Fascinating shook me up oh little one with Mars/Venus rising in early Taurus.
lately I am coming to recognize the envy and jealousy and covetness in my makeup. I was devastated with envy when I heard that Devaki inherited not only her mother's house but also $400,000 cash. Recognizing this due the intimate nature of our friendship (she has recently cut me out of her life due to her resentment of my leaving her for Roland-I was too afraid to be lesbian then and now that I could stand the challenge I find that i am not lesbian simply convoluted in my response to men dating back to early childhood.
12/12/09
12/12/09
This is the feast day of Our Lady of Guadeloupe. Our dear Mother Mary who appeared to the peasant in the midst of roses scent to tell him how to carry on even in the cruelest of orders. As one young priest termed it her appearance celebrated the birth of "Mexicans" the union of europe and the New World.
I was reading a piece in Huffington Post regarding Jung and his Red Book. I have a feeling that it should never have been published but then how would people in these impoverished times know where to start? I imagine that there are still those like I once was-young and lost and stumbling on to Jung and suddenly feeling that there is a place for them after all.
I was too young indeed for Jung but my position was in emergency need of help and the good doctor and his assistants helped in the publishing of his books and letters and the transcripts of his lectures and I was nourished and therefore saved.
I say this having read his "biography"by Deidre Bair that was published in the past few years. she stripped his life of the inner reality and covered only his daily external life as the husband of a wealthy woman and their five children and his mistress Toni Wolff. the book was completely extraverted and judged him with the convention of his society. I guess this is because Diedre Bair is completely conventional and only understands life from that perspective.
This is the feast day of Our Lady of Guadeloupe. Our dear Mother Mary who appeared to the peasant in the midst of roses scent to tell him how to carry on even in the cruelest of orders. As one young priest termed it her appearance celebrated the birth of "Mexicans" the union of europe and the New World.
I was reading a piece in Huffington Post regarding Jung and his Red Book. I have a feeling that it should never have been published but then how would people in these impoverished times know where to start? I imagine that there are still those like I once was-young and lost and stumbling on to Jung and suddenly feeling that there is a place for them after all.
I was too young indeed for Jung but my position was in emergency need of help and the good doctor and his assistants helped in the publishing of his books and letters and the transcripts of his lectures and I was nourished and therefore saved.
I say this having read his "biography"by Deidre Bair that was published in the past few years. she stripped his life of the inner reality and covered only his daily external life as the husband of a wealthy woman and their five children and his mistress Toni Wolff. the book was completely extraverted and judged him with the convention of his society. I guess this is because Diedre Bair is completely conventional and only understands life from that perspective.
12/11/09
12/11/09On the Mars retrograde-I have three palnets in early to mid Leo. I believe that I will be looking at my home situation/family situation (Saturn Moon Pluto in the 4th in Leo) to see if what I have "doing" and believing is in harmony with others and with the "Universe". I may be very surprised by what this winter brings and what I "learn"-may see some changes in resources-Sun ruler of Leo in Gemini in the second house.
I wasn't able to write for several days, well two, because the keyboard quit and we had to get a new one. Steve generously let me use his iBOOK but that is not possible. He is working on final papers for himself, the Reverend,and has two new students he is working with.
Got up to eat eggs and ended up eating the eggs and toast and a little cereal and milk-I was hungry.
The cats are lovely-four cats one elder, three born 8/15/2009. We plan to adopt one more from that litter who looks exactly like our precious girl, Mercy. We will name the new cat Grace unless the new cat lets me know that that name is not suitable.
My wrists and hands are hurting and I am getting the pains up the arm just as I did when I began all this work on my wrists and hands. My mother had this problem but said that she never had a relapse. I wonder if this was because she was forever on pain medication for her ankle and knees. this was before the gubnitt went crazy about vicodin.
I wasn't able to write for several days, well two, because the keyboard quit and we had to get a new one. Steve generously let me use his iBOOK but that is not possible. He is working on final papers for himself, the Reverend,and has two new students he is working with.
Got up to eat eggs and ended up eating the eggs and toast and a little cereal and milk-I was hungry.
The cats are lovely-four cats one elder, three born 8/15/2009. We plan to adopt one more from that litter who looks exactly like our precious girl, Mercy. We will name the new cat Grace unless the new cat lets me know that that name is not suitable.
My wrists and hands are hurting and I am getting the pains up the arm just as I did when I began all this work on my wrists and hands. My mother had this problem but said that she never had a relapse. I wonder if this was because she was forever on pain medication for her ankle and knees. this was before the gubnitt went crazy about vicodin.
12/9/09
12/9/09Dali Lama quote:
“May anyone who sees me, hears me, thinks of me, talks about me, loves me, hates me, doesn’t care about me…by my presence in their life, may they somehow benefit, having their suffering transformed and happiness enhanced. And may I one day completely perfect my compassion, love and wisdom.”
“May anyone who sees me, hears me, thinks of me, talks about me, loves me, hates me, doesn’t care about me…by my presence in their life, may they somehow benefit, having their suffering transformed and happiness enhanced. And may I one day completely perfect my compassion, love and wisdom.”
12/7/09
12/7/09
So Happy Birthday John Stewart and Tom Waits-two of those born on the anniversary of Pearl Harbor/ Big advertisement about remembering the day but John Kennedy's murder went unacknowledged this year.
And I have decided not to linger longer in the past. Got the book with Thom Hartman on the Kennedy murder and now I think I understand and as usual the ugly human reasons,trite really-hatred and resentment-so common and history is changed. I must say it was better that the coup on Cuba did not succeed or rather that is how I see things. We would have no doubt had to go to war with Russia over that and god knows where that would have ended. Kennedy was out of his mind due to the Addison's condition-the non-functioning adrenal glands and the meds used to compensate. Seems to me that he would have led us into WW111-sad to say that but so it appears to me at this point.
I still think that there were more than just the Mafia and the right wingers involved due to that big barbecue the night before out at the Hunt brother's ranch and perhaps that will never be known but the Thom Hartman book cleared up a lot of things for me sad though I am. Definitely lost a hero there. Would love to hear about Robert Kennedy's journey from that point; he changed much to the point of his campaign for the Presidency which of course ended in his murder. How different things would have been with him and not Nixon. I remember walking up to the corner of 8th and Harrison and seeing the headlines: Nixon in a landslide or something like that. I was silent and perhaps had an intuition of the life to come. I was young just old enough to vote and I remember feeling the weight of the public opinion that could be the opposite of my own.
Had an intuition to call Gerald for money. I am broke due to family issues and I saw Gerald in a dream and would like to ask him to contribute without making a big issue of it. Today in the light of day I am not so sure but we are really broke and I don't think money is coming from the State since they are not sending out UIB/DIB checks AND this is all covered up in the media. This is outrageous and really scares me for us, the common folk. the Daddy Warbucks, etc are just doing as they please and fuck us because they own everything,EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!
I think of work for the County and how many years I spent there. Driving through Richmond brings up sad memories of regret and failure-the time of the first Saturn return through my 6th-what a mess I was in those years of Roland ,Devaki and alcohol. shish!!!!! glad to leave that all behind but it comes back when I travel those streets. I remember this as the lowest part of my life and my psychiatrist of the time pointing out that the problem with Roland and I and my friends was the class thing not the race thing. I just hated myself for getting wrapped up with him but he was the only protection against Devaki and coming out as a lesbian which I guess I am but I didn't jump on the chance to be with Julie who was much nicer and very wealthy and so much fun but I just couldn't respond to her physcially and find men much more erotic and stimulating. Now with my beloved Steve I find that we are very well matched in terms of similar outlooks and desires and the sex is wonderful without any of the struggles of my earlier years.
Dr Oz is on the TV and he sounds very fascist to me. Advice on how to have the most beautiful, brightest healthiest babies but of course you must be American middle-class.
So Happy Birthday John Stewart and Tom Waits-two of those born on the anniversary of Pearl Harbor/ Big advertisement about remembering the day but John Kennedy's murder went unacknowledged this year.
And I have decided not to linger longer in the past. Got the book with Thom Hartman on the Kennedy murder and now I think I understand and as usual the ugly human reasons,trite really-hatred and resentment-so common and history is changed. I must say it was better that the coup on Cuba did not succeed or rather that is how I see things. We would have no doubt had to go to war with Russia over that and god knows where that would have ended. Kennedy was out of his mind due to the Addison's condition-the non-functioning adrenal glands and the meds used to compensate. Seems to me that he would have led us into WW111-sad to say that but so it appears to me at this point.
I still think that there were more than just the Mafia and the right wingers involved due to that big barbecue the night before out at the Hunt brother's ranch and perhaps that will never be known but the Thom Hartman book cleared up a lot of things for me sad though I am. Definitely lost a hero there. Would love to hear about Robert Kennedy's journey from that point; he changed much to the point of his campaign for the Presidency which of course ended in his murder. How different things would have been with him and not Nixon. I remember walking up to the corner of 8th and Harrison and seeing the headlines: Nixon in a landslide or something like that. I was silent and perhaps had an intuition of the life to come. I was young just old enough to vote and I remember feeling the weight of the public opinion that could be the opposite of my own.
Had an intuition to call Gerald for money. I am broke due to family issues and I saw Gerald in a dream and would like to ask him to contribute without making a big issue of it. Today in the light of day I am not so sure but we are really broke and I don't think money is coming from the State since they are not sending out UIB/DIB checks AND this is all covered up in the media. This is outrageous and really scares me for us, the common folk. the Daddy Warbucks, etc are just doing as they please and fuck us because they own everything,EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!
I think of work for the County and how many years I spent there. Driving through Richmond brings up sad memories of regret and failure-the time of the first Saturn return through my 6th-what a mess I was in those years of Roland ,Devaki and alcohol. shish!!!!! glad to leave that all behind but it comes back when I travel those streets. I remember this as the lowest part of my life and my psychiatrist of the time pointing out that the problem with Roland and I and my friends was the class thing not the race thing. I just hated myself for getting wrapped up with him but he was the only protection against Devaki and coming out as a lesbian which I guess I am but I didn't jump on the chance to be with Julie who was much nicer and very wealthy and so much fun but I just couldn't respond to her physcially and find men much more erotic and stimulating. Now with my beloved Steve I find that we are very well matched in terms of similar outlooks and desires and the sex is wonderful without any of the struggles of my earlier years.
Dr Oz is on the TV and he sounds very fascist to me. Advice on how to have the most beautiful, brightest healthiest babies but of course you must be American middle-class.
12/6/09 continued
12/6/09 continued
So the morning caught up in washing dishes ,folding dried clothes and tranfering wet clothes to the dryer, getting Arvin to take out trash and recycling.etc.etc.etc. now I can jot down a couple of lines if they are not all lost in the mist as the poets have said.
There is a reconfirmation of the FED Director who is a man younger than I a little prickly little shit of a man at least he looks like a little prick as the streets would word it and there is a lot of street/farmer/worker in me/
\In his closing remarks begging for his job he said that we should go after the money contained in the "entitlement" programs. He went so far as to say that the only reason we continue to pay is that the programs are mandatory and if the congress changed the law the Treasury would not have those constraints and could get our Ship of State righted. Dianne Feinstein our beloved war mongering senator.
I just wrote her a letter on her site. I was rude but my thoughts are definitely ruder. These fucks are simply unbelievable:we have been in war now in the Middle East ,out loud,in the news war since When? I am not sure but before Bush's 2003. We have destroyed Iraq and killed at least a million people there, I don't know what the stats are on Afghanistan. The "embassy" in Iraq is like a small city. I find this so ugly-I mean that we should kill all these people and then just take this huge shit in the front yard. The image creeps me out but I can not shake it-this describes the blind and unconscious Pluto in Capricorn in the second house of the Sibley chart for the US.
I also like America's Scorpionic chart and I am always drawn to it however the author of that chart died young and so the discussion lags and will eventually, in my lifetime, I do believe, be forgotten.
So the morning caught up in washing dishes ,folding dried clothes and tranfering wet clothes to the dryer, getting Arvin to take out trash and recycling.etc.etc.etc. now I can jot down a couple of lines if they are not all lost in the mist as the poets have said.
There is a reconfirmation of the FED Director who is a man younger than I a little prickly little shit of a man at least he looks like a little prick as the streets would word it and there is a lot of street/farmer/worker in me/
\In his closing remarks begging for his job he said that we should go after the money contained in the "entitlement" programs. He went so far as to say that the only reason we continue to pay is that the programs are mandatory and if the congress changed the law the Treasury would not have those constraints and could get our Ship of State righted. Dianne Feinstein our beloved war mongering senator.
I just wrote her a letter on her site. I was rude but my thoughts are definitely ruder. These fucks are simply unbelievable:we have been in war now in the Middle East ,out loud,in the news war since When? I am not sure but before Bush's 2003. We have destroyed Iraq and killed at least a million people there, I don't know what the stats are on Afghanistan. The "embassy" in Iraq is like a small city. I find this so ugly-I mean that we should kill all these people and then just take this huge shit in the front yard. The image creeps me out but I can not shake it-this describes the blind and unconscious Pluto in Capricorn in the second house of the Sibley chart for the US.
I also like America's Scorpionic chart and I am always drawn to it however the author of that chart died young and so the discussion lags and will eventually, in my lifetime, I do believe, be forgotten.
12/6/200912/06/09 Didn't write yesterday either. Went over to Laney to attend the Pow-Wow put together by the clinic for Native American Women and
12/06/09
Didn't write yesterday either. Went over to Laney to attend the Pow-Wow put together by the clinic for Native American Women and Children and Family Clinic in Oakland. Rita Betance tried to go there for her Master's degree work but left quickly. she said that racial prejudice,etc were rampant there: I saw a huge woman tall and weighing at least 300 lbs presiding over the table of info and donations,etc set way back. I thought of what Rita had reported and how her stunning beauty might inspire some to drive her out. Just a passing thought.
Arvin is watching "Slum Dog Millionaire" which is a wonderful film but I loath India. Must have died there many times or something because I hate the music, the voices,the religions,etc. although I love the food. the film is good but I just hate the way folks are treated when there are too many. Devaki went there with her beloved SwamiJi and also hated it but did say that the one thing she learned is the lack of shame there in poverty. she said everyone is poor so there is no stigma.
Broke again and no prospects of the State paying S.: Schwarzenegger's State is not even paying UIB/DIB and hiding the facts. this is ugly and then at the level of the FED Bernanke is recommending that the government change from claiming SSA and Medicare from mandatory to non mandatory and the media guys the fat pigs have hidden that as well. this is ugly and I guess the fear monsters are very close to drawing a clear picture of what is going to happen here. I just can't believe this but believe I must. The monsters of the Universe are doing all that they can to enslave the world. I do not believe that they will succeed although" it" may appear that they have.
Didn't write yesterday either. Went over to Laney to attend the Pow-Wow put together by the clinic for Native American Women and Children and Family Clinic in Oakland. Rita Betance tried to go there for her Master's degree work but left quickly. she said that racial prejudice,etc were rampant there: I saw a huge woman tall and weighing at least 300 lbs presiding over the table of info and donations,etc set way back. I thought of what Rita had reported and how her stunning beauty might inspire some to drive her out. Just a passing thought.
Arvin is watching "Slum Dog Millionaire" which is a wonderful film but I loath India. Must have died there many times or something because I hate the music, the voices,the religions,etc. although I love the food. the film is good but I just hate the way folks are treated when there are too many. Devaki went there with her beloved SwamiJi and also hated it but did say that the one thing she learned is the lack of shame there in poverty. she said everyone is poor so there is no stigma.
Broke again and no prospects of the State paying S.: Schwarzenegger's State is not even paying UIB/DIB and hiding the facts. this is ugly and then at the level of the FED Bernanke is recommending that the government change from claiming SSA and Medicare from mandatory to non mandatory and the media guys the fat pigs have hidden that as well. this is ugly and I guess the fear monsters are very close to drawing a clear picture of what is going to happen here. I just can't believe this but believe I must. The monsters of the Universe are doing all that they can to enslave the world. I do not believe that they will succeed although" it" may appear that they have.
12/02/2009
12/02/09
Perhaps this is the day I give up on the internet and the blogs for a while.
Politics have once again disgusted me. We have struggled to get Obama elected and for what? He only continues to follow the old ways and registers his contempt for those of us of the lower classes-Obama his so enamored of the money guys he couldn't care less about those of us who struggle to raise children and protect our families,etc. He is a cold,arrogant liar and I imagine that is all the US can get at this point.
I wish that I could tell him how low I see him-lowly lying monster who lied to us to get into office. I just had a fantasy that he is doing this so that the "Masters of the Universe" can get Sarah Palin in office and then control everything.
Well enough of that-I am planning on moving away from the politics until the day comes when there is war in the streets and I will sign up to help feed the hungry and comfort the young ones.
The kIds are as usual planning to stay in bed and reschedule-well no they will not. This is their last chance to start taking care or Jamal goes home to whatever he has and Courtney starts dealing with life.
I so believe in having fun but not at the expense of everything else. These kids have not finished high school and can not find employment any where mostly because they absolutely lack heart won't make any effort.
Courtney will only put herself out for her beloved raves at the cost of over a hundred dollars. She is bone lazy and nasty. Well the gig is up today-this is over. no more.
Perhaps this is the day I give up on the internet and the blogs for a while.
Politics have once again disgusted me. We have struggled to get Obama elected and for what? He only continues to follow the old ways and registers his contempt for those of us of the lower classes-Obama his so enamored of the money guys he couldn't care less about those of us who struggle to raise children and protect our families,etc. He is a cold,arrogant liar and I imagine that is all the US can get at this point.
I wish that I could tell him how low I see him-lowly lying monster who lied to us to get into office. I just had a fantasy that he is doing this so that the "Masters of the Universe" can get Sarah Palin in office and then control everything.
Well enough of that-I am planning on moving away from the politics until the day comes when there is war in the streets and I will sign up to help feed the hungry and comfort the young ones.
The kIds are as usual planning to stay in bed and reschedule-well no they will not. This is their last chance to start taking care or Jamal goes home to whatever he has and Courtney starts dealing with life.
I so believe in having fun but not at the expense of everything else. These kids have not finished high school and can not find employment any where mostly because they absolutely lack heart won't make any effort.
Courtney will only put herself out for her beloved raves at the cost of over a hundred dollars. She is bone lazy and nasty. Well the gig is up today-this is over. no more.
article from WICCA Newsletter
Times Read: 1,766
RSS Views: 2,255
Daily Goddess Awareness
Author: Lady Abigail [a WitchVox Sponsor]
Posted: November 29th. 2009
Times Viewed: 1,766
Autumn is that time of year when we all seem to feel the magickal energies of the Great Goddess. With every change of the weather, every warm or cool breeze, we feel Her a stirring within our spirits. As the seasons transform the dark green earth of summer into a kaleidoscope of colors we sense the Goddess all around us. We feel Her power, Her majesty, and Her wonder. It is this time of year that stirs the very essence of our being.
Fall is also an extremely busy time of year. First there is Samhain, then November Blessings and next we have Yule. We seem to be rushing constantly, busy within our traditions and our faith. It is a time when most become more aware of their spiritual path. This time of year seems to bring out a longing to be more connected with the Goddess and find that part of Her personal to each of us.
I remember days as a child running in the leaves, climbing trees and the magick I felt being with my family. The energy that embraced each day spent with my Great Grandmother and my Aunts as they watched over me. They taught me about the seasons and the magick hidden within each. Yet more importantly they taught me the blessings and wonders of the Goddess.
The morning sunrise was breaking across the mountaintops and I could just see the golden rays beginning to touch the treetops across the yard. The Autumn colors were glowing as if they were flames from a great bonfire in the heavens. I watched as the long shadows from the dawning light moved stealthily along the ground. The sunlight catching the frost on the newly fallen leaves made them glisten on the ground.
I knew it must have been a cold night but I didn’t notice it at the time. It was November and the Autumn weather in the Ozarks could change as quickly as a leaf falling to the ground. It was also the full moon, a time when my family gathered around the fire and danced in celebration to honor of the Goddess before Her winters sleep.
The full moons and dark moons were always a time of gatherings for my family; a time to give honor unto the Goddess and to work miraculous feats of magick, healing and encircling energy.
However, honoring the Goddess was not something done only at the full or dark moons. Each day I learned to give the Goddess honor in invocation and/or devotion. Later I would learn how to connect with Goddess within my daily meditation. My Great Grandmother taught me that it was not only the authority and power of the Goddess that we honored; but Her spirit, that part of Her we draw within our very beings. For when we call unto Goddess, She renews of our souls. I learned that the Goddess was within my heart, my spirit and the essence of my being. Each time I brought Her unto me, it gives me strength not to forget who I was within myself.
That morning I lay in my bed waiting to hear my Great Grandmother calling me to breakfast. I knew that there would be fresh hot biscuits with gravy, eggs and ham on the table. But it was cold, and if I waited for her to call, the kitchen would be nice and warm from the wood stove that my Great Grandmother cooked on. I knew even then that in my life with my Great Grandmother, there were some things I could always count on.
Today, when I look back at my childhood, I recognize that those times with my Great Grandmother were the most magickal and spiritual of my life. She taught me an understanding that surpasses all the books and studies of my entire life. She taught me to see beyond that which others saw. To see what was hidden within their words and actions. She taught me that the Goddess was a living spirit, not just a power we call on when we need something or in High Holy rites.
The Goddess is not the same for all of us. She is known by thousands of names and yet there are still names unto us that She is unknown. Some see the Goddess as a Maiden, young and filled with the innocence of youth. Others see Her as the Mother, a woman of sexuality as well as fertility, and a woman of strength, growing within Her own personal power. Still others see Her as the Crone, an elderly woman of great wisdom, wise with understanding and experience in life but unafraid of what is to come. For others, each aspect of the Goddess is encompassed within different enlightenments, different names.
However we perceive the Goddess is personal unto each one of us. It is how we seek the Goddess that gives us our individual relationship with Her. How I see the Goddess when I stand before Her in honor may not be the same vision She gives unto another. There are no rules and we need not see Her the same.
Daily Goddess Awareness; Invocation, Mediation, Devotion
Invocation: Invocation is that time you take to give honor and praise unto the Goddess. Set aside a moment to light a candle each morning. As you do, give honor and respect unto the Goddess as you see Her. It can be something different each day according to what you feel. Some people find it more comfortable for some their words to be in rhyme or chant. Whatever you decide to say let it be from your heart. Then each time during the day when you see the candle, it will remind you of that part of who you are within your spiritual path.
Meditation: Mediation is one way many have learned to draw the Goddess within. In mediation you can allow that state of consciousness the freedom to bring clarity into your spirit. As your mind clears it gives you awareness to that which is outside the physical. Once you become aware of that outer consciousness, you can seek out the Goddess within your spirit as you know Her. Each time bringing a greater understanding of that spiritual element shared.
Devotion: A moment of personal devotion a simple way to touch each day with the Goddess within your spirit. Set a time daily to take a moment to say thank you unto the Goddess, as you know Her. It is the time for you to give honor to that part of the Goddess that gives you your personal power. Make it a part of your daily routine and soon it will become your personal tradition.
I need to say that these daily awareness’s of invocation, mediation, and devotion’s work equally as well for those working with both the Goddess and the God, Lord and Lady. Again depending on your personal traditions and how your see each within your beliefs.
Getting started can be hard; keeping a commitment to anything daily is not always easy. Some days you may forget, that is normal, you are learning a new habit. But if it is right for you and with determination before long it will be in your spirit and a part of each day. Allow yourself the time to find out if a daily work fits your spiritual path. It has been said that it takes twenty-one days of repeated actions to make a new routine or habit.
I am in no way saying this is the right thing for everyone. I have found over the years that those few moments that I take to personally connect with the Goddess give me great comfort as it enlightens my spirit.
All wonder and miracles,
All creatures upon the earth,
All things wise and beautiful;
Our Mother gave them birth.
By: Lady Abigail
High Priestess Ravensgrove Coven
Greenfield, IN
RSS Views: 2,255
Daily Goddess Awareness
Author: Lady Abigail [a WitchVox Sponsor]
Posted: November 29th. 2009
Times Viewed: 1,766
Autumn is that time of year when we all seem to feel the magickal energies of the Great Goddess. With every change of the weather, every warm or cool breeze, we feel Her a stirring within our spirits. As the seasons transform the dark green earth of summer into a kaleidoscope of colors we sense the Goddess all around us. We feel Her power, Her majesty, and Her wonder. It is this time of year that stirs the very essence of our being.
Fall is also an extremely busy time of year. First there is Samhain, then November Blessings and next we have Yule. We seem to be rushing constantly, busy within our traditions and our faith. It is a time when most become more aware of their spiritual path. This time of year seems to bring out a longing to be more connected with the Goddess and find that part of Her personal to each of us.
I remember days as a child running in the leaves, climbing trees and the magick I felt being with my family. The energy that embraced each day spent with my Great Grandmother and my Aunts as they watched over me. They taught me about the seasons and the magick hidden within each. Yet more importantly they taught me the blessings and wonders of the Goddess.
The morning sunrise was breaking across the mountaintops and I could just see the golden rays beginning to touch the treetops across the yard. The Autumn colors were glowing as if they were flames from a great bonfire in the heavens. I watched as the long shadows from the dawning light moved stealthily along the ground. The sunlight catching the frost on the newly fallen leaves made them glisten on the ground.
I knew it must have been a cold night but I didn’t notice it at the time. It was November and the Autumn weather in the Ozarks could change as quickly as a leaf falling to the ground. It was also the full moon, a time when my family gathered around the fire and danced in celebration to honor of the Goddess before Her winters sleep.
The full moons and dark moons were always a time of gatherings for my family; a time to give honor unto the Goddess and to work miraculous feats of magick, healing and encircling energy.
However, honoring the Goddess was not something done only at the full or dark moons. Each day I learned to give the Goddess honor in invocation and/or devotion. Later I would learn how to connect with Goddess within my daily meditation. My Great Grandmother taught me that it was not only the authority and power of the Goddess that we honored; but Her spirit, that part of Her we draw within our very beings. For when we call unto Goddess, She renews of our souls. I learned that the Goddess was within my heart, my spirit and the essence of my being. Each time I brought Her unto me, it gives me strength not to forget who I was within myself.
That morning I lay in my bed waiting to hear my Great Grandmother calling me to breakfast. I knew that there would be fresh hot biscuits with gravy, eggs and ham on the table. But it was cold, and if I waited for her to call, the kitchen would be nice and warm from the wood stove that my Great Grandmother cooked on. I knew even then that in my life with my Great Grandmother, there were some things I could always count on.
Today, when I look back at my childhood, I recognize that those times with my Great Grandmother were the most magickal and spiritual of my life. She taught me an understanding that surpasses all the books and studies of my entire life. She taught me to see beyond that which others saw. To see what was hidden within their words and actions. She taught me that the Goddess was a living spirit, not just a power we call on when we need something or in High Holy rites.
The Goddess is not the same for all of us. She is known by thousands of names and yet there are still names unto us that She is unknown. Some see the Goddess as a Maiden, young and filled with the innocence of youth. Others see Her as the Mother, a woman of sexuality as well as fertility, and a woman of strength, growing within Her own personal power. Still others see Her as the Crone, an elderly woman of great wisdom, wise with understanding and experience in life but unafraid of what is to come. For others, each aspect of the Goddess is encompassed within different enlightenments, different names.
However we perceive the Goddess is personal unto each one of us. It is how we seek the Goddess that gives us our individual relationship with Her. How I see the Goddess when I stand before Her in honor may not be the same vision She gives unto another. There are no rules and we need not see Her the same.
Daily Goddess Awareness; Invocation, Mediation, Devotion
Invocation: Invocation is that time you take to give honor and praise unto the Goddess. Set aside a moment to light a candle each morning. As you do, give honor and respect unto the Goddess as you see Her. It can be something different each day according to what you feel. Some people find it more comfortable for some their words to be in rhyme or chant. Whatever you decide to say let it be from your heart. Then each time during the day when you see the candle, it will remind you of that part of who you are within your spiritual path.
Meditation: Mediation is one way many have learned to draw the Goddess within. In mediation you can allow that state of consciousness the freedom to bring clarity into your spirit. As your mind clears it gives you awareness to that which is outside the physical. Once you become aware of that outer consciousness, you can seek out the Goddess within your spirit as you know Her. Each time bringing a greater understanding of that spiritual element shared.
Devotion: A moment of personal devotion a simple way to touch each day with the Goddess within your spirit. Set a time daily to take a moment to say thank you unto the Goddess, as you know Her. It is the time for you to give honor to that part of the Goddess that gives you your personal power. Make it a part of your daily routine and soon it will become your personal tradition.
I need to say that these daily awareness’s of invocation, mediation, and devotion’s work equally as well for those working with both the Goddess and the God, Lord and Lady. Again depending on your personal traditions and how your see each within your beliefs.
Getting started can be hard; keeping a commitment to anything daily is not always easy. Some days you may forget, that is normal, you are learning a new habit. But if it is right for you and with determination before long it will be in your spirit and a part of each day. Allow yourself the time to find out if a daily work fits your spiritual path. It has been said that it takes twenty-one days of repeated actions to make a new routine or habit.
I am in no way saying this is the right thing for everyone. I have found over the years that those few moments that I take to personally connect with the Goddess give me great comfort as it enlightens my spirit.
All wonder and miracles,
All creatures upon the earth,
All things wise and beautiful;
Our Mother gave them birth.
By: Lady Abigail
High Priestess Ravensgrove Coven
Greenfield, IN
12/01/09
Clymela 12/0/09
H
I'm an old woman and there are only a few things that I know for sure: Grounding is important. Kindness is seldom wasted. Photosynthesis is the highest good. Keep your house clean, your papers in order, some money set aside. Don't tell the Man much about yourself. Sisters make it all much better. As above, so below; as inside, so without. The moment when monkey mind most wants to take over, when fears are most intense, when you have the most reasons to turn back -- that's the moment when magic can happen. Hecate will be there for me, at the end. And, Starhawk is right. There is no substitute for human beings putting our bodies in the way of the operations of injustice. I have been glad every time that I did that, and I regret every time that I lost an opportunity to do so. I'm old, but I know this for sure
This wonderful woman has been calling to me for several days now-since I discovered her last year I think but the past two days she has written about getting through winter and her advice is something that I can carry with me and actually put into "practice".
I am especially drawn to her her words "I am an old woman". I am working with this myself.
I only watch politics and an occasional old movie and NCIS on television-because I am absolutely not interested in what the children and grandchildren are watching and I realize this is because I grew up on totally different images.
When I go shopping the women for the most part are no longer my peers, there is the occasional "old woman" but the mostly the women are at least 20 years younger. The people serving the customers are at least twenty years younger and of course much,much younger.
Yesterday Hecate suggested determining the things we like,staying with those and letting the others go. Good advice for winter the season of the year and also for that season of our lives.
I am only at the beginning of the Crone stage but this time of winter (menopause is now 10 years past and I have forgotten the passion of that passage) and I feel the passion of the shift.
When the shift first became apparent to me I was taken aback: i said why am I thinking that I am old and then I noticed that I was "out there" as far as the daily life goes. The music doesn't sound like music,the raves that my grand daughter loves do not appeal to me, the reality shows on television bore me to tears and so I would rather read,cook,garden,walk
H
I'm an old woman and there are only a few things that I know for sure: Grounding is important. Kindness is seldom wasted. Photosynthesis is the highest good. Keep your house clean, your papers in order, some money set aside. Don't tell the Man much about yourself. Sisters make it all much better. As above, so below; as inside, so without. The moment when monkey mind most wants to take over, when fears are most intense, when you have the most reasons to turn back -- that's the moment when magic can happen. Hecate will be there for me, at the end. And, Starhawk is right. There is no substitute for human beings putting our bodies in the way of the operations of injustice. I have been glad every time that I did that, and I regret every time that I lost an opportunity to do so. I'm old, but I know this for sure
This wonderful woman has been calling to me for several days now-since I discovered her last year I think but the past two days she has written about getting through winter and her advice is something that I can carry with me and actually put into "practice".
I am especially drawn to her her words "I am an old woman". I am working with this myself.
I only watch politics and an occasional old movie and NCIS on television-because I am absolutely not interested in what the children and grandchildren are watching and I realize this is because I grew up on totally different images.
When I go shopping the women for the most part are no longer my peers, there is the occasional "old woman" but the mostly the women are at least 20 years younger. The people serving the customers are at least twenty years younger and of course much,much younger.
Yesterday Hecate suggested determining the things we like,staying with those and letting the others go. Good advice for winter the season of the year and also for that season of our lives.
I am only at the beginning of the Crone stage but this time of winter (menopause is now 10 years past and I have forgotten the passion of that passage) and I feel the passion of the shift.
When the shift first became apparent to me I was taken aback: i said why am I thinking that I am old and then I noticed that I was "out there" as far as the daily life goes. The music doesn't sound like music,the raves that my grand daughter loves do not appeal to me, the reality shows on television bore me to tears and so I would rather read,cook,garden,walk
11/28/09
Who Says?
How much of the stuff that you do this time of year gives you pleasure?
Can you stick to that and ditch the rest?
Can you insure that you get some time outside, even if it means bundling up?
Can you do your daily practice daily every day between now and December 31st?
I have a dear friend who always counsels, when faced with a decision: think about how you'll feel if you do this. Think about how you'll feel if you don't.
It's pretty good advice. The Wheel of the Year is winding down. Why can't you?
It takes 3 minutes to ground.
Posted by Hecate at 5:42 PM 0 comments Links to this post
So okay here I am having taken a moment to ground. I read this and was so moved by the words and thoughts.
I have been writing in public because of the dream I had years ago when amy was very little that "
the Voice" said to me "those are your words and thoughts and they are sacred and you should put them down"
so I wanted to find my group but I don't think that there is a group for me although I do have friends who like to come around and we like to do things together but they don't read my writing and it is witheringly personal and domestic and therefore limited to my narcississtic wailings.
It was the fear of Joyce reading what I was writing that woke me up to the need to transfer to this mode although I did like the thought of writing to the people I love-the Pagan Quakers and the astrology folk at AW and Starlight.
Over on Starlight there is much discussion of of beings from other dimensions watching over us. Today I found a discussion of orbs of light that can be captured by digital cameras in the dark. Well I wonder if that isn't a simple function of the digital camera without a light source-I don't know but flying around looking for beings from other dimensions is too ungrounded for me-I guess this is the current version of angels watching over us which I accept but do not dwell on.
I don't seem to have suffered too much from letting go of God as a great, big man a King in Heaven. I realize that that we are energy and that we come in through this and then we die. To me it seems simple that when we die "we" return to our origin but there is no way that we can "know" this in our life. I guess that is why the good fathers/mothers direct us to faith.
I was thinking of the women I have loved Hilldegard von Begin and others whose name escape me now but I was thinking that they produced so much about Jesus and God because they were literally trapped in the convents. There was no other life for them so they turned to what was available-prayer and meditation and song and healing the sick and producing medicines.
What I am touching here is that everything is within us. that is the secret.
I was dreaming about having met a wonderful teacher but knowing that I am not worthy, my sins are too deep-the sins of thievery and lying and the abandonment of my children these have left too deep a mark and my life is limited because of this and that will have to be okay although I was allowed to see how these things worked. The teacher thought that I would be okay but there was way too much that I don't understand-the people I work with thought that I was unsuited to the advancement.
Strange that I would have that dream when I feel more acceptance of myself now than I ever have although talking with Valerie and Shawn stirs up all the old pain and Lisa's death will always be pain-I will always wonder if I could have helped.
How much of the stuff that you do this time of year gives you pleasure?
Can you stick to that and ditch the rest?
Can you insure that you get some time outside, even if it means bundling up?
Can you do your daily practice daily every day between now and December 31st?
I have a dear friend who always counsels, when faced with a decision: think about how you'll feel if you do this. Think about how you'll feel if you don't.
It's pretty good advice. The Wheel of the Year is winding down. Why can't you?
It takes 3 minutes to ground.
Posted by Hecate at 5:42 PM 0 comments Links to this post
So okay here I am having taken a moment to ground. I read this and was so moved by the words and thoughts.
I have been writing in public because of the dream I had years ago when amy was very little that "
the Voice" said to me "those are your words and thoughts and they are sacred and you should put them down"
so I wanted to find my group but I don't think that there is a group for me although I do have friends who like to come around and we like to do things together but they don't read my writing and it is witheringly personal and domestic and therefore limited to my narcississtic wailings.
It was the fear of Joyce reading what I was writing that woke me up to the need to transfer to this mode although I did like the thought of writing to the people I love-the Pagan Quakers and the astrology folk at AW and Starlight.
Over on Starlight there is much discussion of of beings from other dimensions watching over us. Today I found a discussion of orbs of light that can be captured by digital cameras in the dark. Well I wonder if that isn't a simple function of the digital camera without a light source-I don't know but flying around looking for beings from other dimensions is too ungrounded for me-I guess this is the current version of angels watching over us which I accept but do not dwell on.
I don't seem to have suffered too much from letting go of God as a great, big man a King in Heaven. I realize that that we are energy and that we come in through this and then we die. To me it seems simple that when we die "we" return to our origin but there is no way that we can "know" this in our life. I guess that is why the good fathers/mothers direct us to faith.
I was thinking of the women I have loved Hilldegard von Begin and others whose name escape me now but I was thinking that they produced so much about Jesus and God because they were literally trapped in the convents. There was no other life for them so they turned to what was available-prayer and meditation and song and healing the sick and producing medicines.
What I am touching here is that everything is within us. that is the secret.
I was dreaming about having met a wonderful teacher but knowing that I am not worthy, my sins are too deep-the sins of thievery and lying and the abandonment of my children these have left too deep a mark and my life is limited because of this and that will have to be okay although I was allowed to see how these things worked. The teacher thought that I would be okay but there was way too much that I don't understand-the people I work with thought that I was unsuited to the advancement.
Strange that I would have that dream when I feel more acceptance of myself now than I ever have although talking with Valerie and Shawn stirs up all the old pain and Lisa's death will always be pain-I will always wonder if I could have helped.
Monday, November 30, 2009
11/30/2009
There was a shocking mass murder of four cops in the Seattle area-Tacoma I believe. The authorities are looking for a man , Maurice Clemons,he was first sent to prison for 89 years in Arkansas for burglary and was released in 2000 by gov Huckabee. He has had a business and evidently was married and there are children. Well his family reports that he has been losing his mind thinking that he is Jesus in the flesh and making his wife and daughters undress and walk around naked, No one of course will respond to the complaints of his family nor would they treat him as a dangerous mentally ill human being. Now they think he is the murderer of the cops and they are hunting him down. This makes me sick-I see so much here because we no longer treat the mentally ill we call them criminals and hunt them down and say "well they knew right from wrong" and therefore we will just send them to prison. I wonder what it will take for this crazy society to start once again to care for the mentally ill with compassion. Perhaps we never have but this is so wrong.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
11/29/09 HAPPY BIRTHDAY AMY
Love to rise early and write while everyone sleeps. What I write here is journaling and I do it because I like to and I believe that no one is looking still I pull my punches and don't write with the blunt openess I would if I KNEW no one would ever catch this. HMMM???!!! Perhaps I should move over to one of the programs I have for writing but without a connection to the internet. I am reminded of the dream while wworking with Rick-I was in the old rusty building behind the old maids house in Moscow,KS-I was showing off and Rick was observing me.
Jim, once suggested that I turn to essay writing-I could do that on the internet but my daily personal stuff should be private. I felt private but I see that I am found on GOOGLE. Of course I have known that and ignored it but now I wonder if I don't want to make a change and only write cleaned up essays and save the personal stuff for my own computer.
Jim, once suggested that I turn to essay writing-I could do that on the internet but my daily personal stuff should be private. I felt private but I see that I am found on GOOGLE. Of course I have known that and ignored it but now I wonder if I don't want to make a change and only write cleaned up essays and save the personal stuff for my own computer.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Saturday 11/28/09
Tomorrow "my baby" turns 40-wow how old am I? She cries plaintively from her rocking chair. Much sorrow there for my beloved Aimee (Amy) a life of sorrow tossed over for crystal meth perhaps the most lethal drug ever invented although my daughter was calmed down before the date-rape drugs showed up. Ruined her l life while giving the illusion that she was getting somewhere-she also had a terrible time having Arvin that caused heart trouble (enlarged heart from the labor which the doctor let unfold because she was a Medi-Cal patient and therefore not worth the money to do C-section. Yes I do believe this is what happened.
Missed Joyce yesterday always think of her during the Thanksgiving through Christmas period. I spent many Harwood holidays with her during my years of pioneer woman solitude. As I am now I would have done things differently but I was in my 20's then and in the time of my progressed new moon.
Jim Shere just came to mind now too. He lives up north in Glen Ellen. He and I were so close although not lovers-we did not suit each other-and that closeness of course dissolved once he found his wonderful third wife. During that marriage his mother died of lung cancer which metastasized while she was on a cruise to China and he and his wife had two daughters. He "gave up" astrology and would never explain why and I just "gave up" on him-there was something so cold and brutal in that act and his unwillingness to speak on it that I could never trust him again. HMMMM-I no doubt would have turned this into a couple of paragraphs but I want to continue flow of consciousness here. When I left California to stay with my family during my father's last illness (cancer-melanoma)I made arrangements to go see him, Jim, at his office and I STOOD HIM UP!! something that shocked and troubled me. I would never treat Jim Shere that way but I did!! Wtiting this morning I "felt" the connection between his abandoning astrology and therefore me and "abandoning" him when I left. UHMM! I feel back home again in my own skin and with my one-time friend.
On AW one regular, Grizzly, wrote requesting help finding work and moving and interestingly his birthdate fo 8/17/1948 so close to Steve Back that I saw Steve in a way that I could not when I was in love with him. I just sort of ignored his Mars/Neptune conjunction squared with Venus in Cancer. Jeez-talk about a non-settling man-Grizzly settled in Europe and the last I heard of Steve he was flying small aircraft in Oklahoma.
This is really a morning of laying my ghosts to rest-interesting. Uranus in Pisces in my 12th preparing to move into Aries.Well not quite preparing 25th degree.
I really like Valerie,Shawn's wife and the mother of his son's. She is blunt and kind and a wonderful mother. Evidently Shawn has no interest in her sexually and is unkind which would fall into his family patterns from Ed and Wayne-withdrawn and critical. I will keep talking to her and get to know her and I plan to go out and visit them. 3000 miles is quite a distance.
Sometimes I use paper plates because there are so many eating and so few cleaning-Buffy and I cleaning. This year the beloved softly woven bamboo paper plate holders have been unavailable and the only holders available are ugly,ugly palstic ones that pickup grease and must therefor be washed off-yuck and why bother why not just stick with real plates which I guess is the idea.
I wondered if the lack of the bamboo holders is not the result of some Green Financial activity to force me into doing dishes. Trees must be used at some point in making paper plates and so if only the expensive plates can be used without a holder and I and most mothers/grandmothers don't want to spend that kind of money on paper plates we will go back to using real plates and washing them. I told my sister that I would consider a portable dish washer with a chopping block top so that I would have more counter space as well as getting the dishes done. Well as I write I realize the lack of the bamboo holders is probably the result of Dixie or someone else making the heavy paper plates. Or maybe they come from where there has been terrible nature events and there is no one left to make them.
Have to go to the store now. Hope I can get back to this later. Wanted to write about what I saw as the karma of our leaving Kansas-we were going to have to or Buffy and I would have ended up married to farmers for which we were temperamentally unsuited. Perhaps nothing could have prevented the tragedy of our teenage years-we were too far gone in the corruption-the spoiling and the rot.I realized that my parents thought that I was beautiful and talented but actually I was always a strong B student/girl. Not ugly, not stupid but not like Cheri or Sheila and my mother was pushing me so hard that we had to leave. I think that my mother wanted the inclusion she had had as a property owners daughter and a hard working smart girl but in those days of the McCarthy era we could never live down Mama's humiliation and she let me run all over town-evidently I was a demanding, nerve racking child and she was relieved to not see or hear me. Buffy concurs with me in these memories.
Missed Joyce yesterday always think of her during the Thanksgiving through Christmas period. I spent many Harwood holidays with her during my years of pioneer woman solitude. As I am now I would have done things differently but I was in my 20's then and in the time of my progressed new moon.
Jim Shere just came to mind now too. He lives up north in Glen Ellen. He and I were so close although not lovers-we did not suit each other-and that closeness of course dissolved once he found his wonderful third wife. During that marriage his mother died of lung cancer which metastasized while she was on a cruise to China and he and his wife had two daughters. He "gave up" astrology and would never explain why and I just "gave up" on him-there was something so cold and brutal in that act and his unwillingness to speak on it that I could never trust him again. HMMMM-I no doubt would have turned this into a couple of paragraphs but I want to continue flow of consciousness here. When I left California to stay with my family during my father's last illness (cancer-melanoma)I made arrangements to go see him, Jim, at his office and I STOOD HIM UP!! something that shocked and troubled me. I would never treat Jim Shere that way but I did!! Wtiting this morning I "felt" the connection between his abandoning astrology and therefore me and "abandoning" him when I left. UHMM! I feel back home again in my own skin and with my one-time friend.
On AW one regular, Grizzly, wrote requesting help finding work and moving and interestingly his birthdate fo 8/17/1948 so close to Steve Back that I saw Steve in a way that I could not when I was in love with him. I just sort of ignored his Mars/Neptune conjunction squared with Venus in Cancer. Jeez-talk about a non-settling man-Grizzly settled in Europe and the last I heard of Steve he was flying small aircraft in Oklahoma.
This is really a morning of laying my ghosts to rest-interesting. Uranus in Pisces in my 12th preparing to move into Aries.Well not quite preparing 25th degree.
I really like Valerie,Shawn's wife and the mother of his son's. She is blunt and kind and a wonderful mother. Evidently Shawn has no interest in her sexually and is unkind which would fall into his family patterns from Ed and Wayne-withdrawn and critical. I will keep talking to her and get to know her and I plan to go out and visit them. 3000 miles is quite a distance.
Sometimes I use paper plates because there are so many eating and so few cleaning-Buffy and I cleaning. This year the beloved softly woven bamboo paper plate holders have been unavailable and the only holders available are ugly,ugly palstic ones that pickup grease and must therefor be washed off-yuck and why bother why not just stick with real plates which I guess is the idea.
I wondered if the lack of the bamboo holders is not the result of some Green Financial activity to force me into doing dishes. Trees must be used at some point in making paper plates and so if only the expensive plates can be used without a holder and I and most mothers/grandmothers don't want to spend that kind of money on paper plates we will go back to using real plates and washing them. I told my sister that I would consider a portable dish washer with a chopping block top so that I would have more counter space as well as getting the dishes done. Well as I write I realize the lack of the bamboo holders is probably the result of Dixie or someone else making the heavy paper plates. Or maybe they come from where there has been terrible nature events and there is no one left to make them.
Have to go to the store now. Hope I can get back to this later. Wanted to write about what I saw as the karma of our leaving Kansas-we were going to have to or Buffy and I would have ended up married to farmers for which we were temperamentally unsuited. Perhaps nothing could have prevented the tragedy of our teenage years-we were too far gone in the corruption-the spoiling and the rot.I realized that my parents thought that I was beautiful and talented but actually I was always a strong B student/girl. Not ugly, not stupid but not like Cheri or Sheila and my mother was pushing me so hard that we had to leave. I think that my mother wanted the inclusion she had had as a property owners daughter and a hard working smart girl but in those days of the McCarthy era we could never live down Mama's humiliation and she let me run all over town-evidently I was a demanding, nerve racking child and she was relieved to not see or hear me. Buffy concurs with me in these memories.
Friday, November 27, 2009
Friday after Thanksgiving-again
I stupidly moved to GOOGLE without going to another page and that caused Blogger to put my writing into draft and I cannot get it out and this funky free system won't allow me to copy and paste into this new post. I am so frustrated I will go work on the kitchen and get ready for the boys.
One thing that I do want to state though is that after around 5 weeks of vitamin therapy-strong B complex, strong Chromium and Evening Primrose I am noticing a real change in my energy. I feel better than I have in years-that dragging feeling is gone and I feel perky actually
Well off to see what the bank says about money and to make a list for the cooking today-the boys will be here for a couple of days.
One thing that I do want to state though is that after around 5 weeks of vitamin therapy-strong B complex, strong Chromium and Evening Primrose I am noticing a real change in my energy. I feel better than I have in years-that dragging feeling is gone and I feel perky actually
Well off to see what the bank says about money and to make a list for the cooking today-the boys will be here for a couple of days.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
11/24/09
The day before Thanksgiving. How I would love to be grown up with Mama and Hazel Hendrickson and Aunt Hazel and Aunt Cecil and Aunt Maggie and Barbara. God how I loved those women and I still stand and cook in the manner I learned in my body from them. I imagine that I will miss them the rest of my days. I try not to spend too much time in memories-there be dragons there-I can get caught in the past and stir up depression that way.
Weird times here as I think I wrote before. Amy and Arthur are going to his family since it will be his first Thanksgiving home in years. I thought that Courtney would be here but that is up i n the air. Courtney is p.oed because I didn't like her attitude regarding the money she wants from me for a rave on 11/28/09. In total I am shoveling out around $100 (a little more). I told her that she is spending all my Christmas budget for her and she got pissy. then I really landed on J. who drinks my kitchen sherry,etc. who seems to live to get intoxicated. I am so over this with them and they will have to go or rather J. must go back home and Courtney can stay but she has to come out of her stupor. Seemingly all C. wants to do is party all day/night long. She has gained a huge amount of weight and therefore I know that she is stuck. Perhaps she will need to get REALLY PISSED in order to launch herself into the world and get moving towards education and earning a living.
Arvin has been troubling-absolutely stuffed with puberty. He is totally mercenary with S and I-says he loves us in order to get money and gifts. He is quite crude in that way and we were shocked and hurt and then I started to worry. Worry about his spiritual development and then I remembered other boys at that stage and yes they are little shits and only girls their own age can handle them. Arvin is insecure and worried about fitting in and being desirable.
Most of this short week wrapped up in watching Obama increase the size of our war on Afghanistan/ Sick over this and the details of all the hideous things we do in the world to maintain our position on top. Bullies, vicious killers I guess from the beginning I don't know but I am amazed that we don't do any collective deep work just want to remain children and go to parades and celebrate the soldiers and feel so proud that we are the best.
Weird times here as I think I wrote before. Amy and Arthur are going to his family since it will be his first Thanksgiving home in years. I thought that Courtney would be here but that is up i n the air. Courtney is p.oed because I didn't like her attitude regarding the money she wants from me for a rave on 11/28/09. In total I am shoveling out around $100 (a little more). I told her that she is spending all my Christmas budget for her and she got pissy. then I really landed on J. who drinks my kitchen sherry,etc. who seems to live to get intoxicated. I am so over this with them and they will have to go or rather J. must go back home and Courtney can stay but she has to come out of her stupor. Seemingly all C. wants to do is party all day/night long. She has gained a huge amount of weight and therefore I know that she is stuck. Perhaps she will need to get REALLY PISSED in order to launch herself into the world and get moving towards education and earning a living.
Arvin has been troubling-absolutely stuffed with puberty. He is totally mercenary with S and I-says he loves us in order to get money and gifts. He is quite crude in that way and we were shocked and hurt and then I started to worry. Worry about his spiritual development and then I remembered other boys at that stage and yes they are little shits and only girls their own age can handle them. Arvin is insecure and worried about fitting in and being desirable.
Most of this short week wrapped up in watching Obama increase the size of our war on Afghanistan/ Sick over this and the details of all the hideous things we do in the world to maintain our position on top. Bullies, vicious killers I guess from the beginning I don't know but I am amazed that we don't do any collective deep work just want to remain children and go to parades and celebrate the soldiers and feel so proud that we are the best.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
11/22/2009
Alone early in the morning. Steve went back to sleep after awakening and feeling depressed and cold,so cold that he shut off his desk fan. The young ones are sound asleep as one would expect after staying up until the "wee hours".
Today the anniversary of the Kennedy assassination-no one has mentioned it on the TV. I think that is weird-part of changing out memories I guess. I know that most of those who were there are dead now and I guess those who know what really happened are relieved that even those such as myself,age 16 at the time, are moving on and soon those on stage will have no direct memories of that brutal day.
I no longer believe in the lone gunman-not because I have a belief in the grassy knoll shooters,I don't know about that but it is the fact that Jack Ruby was related to the man he shot who was charged with being the assassin-Oswald and Oswald multilple trips to Russia and Cuba is weird for that Cold War period when we were all afraid of Communists as well we should have been with Stalin who slaughtered thousands even millions.
HMMM-while I was writing that I had a thought of forgiveness for those who play in those brutal, hideous games of power and control. I have been so alienated from my country after finding out that the government and the military and the universities do not function on the moral compass that I use and have always used even when I failed to measure up to those points-the ten commandments and the love of Jesus.
Some say that the governments are working to reduce the population by viruses. I am concerned about the constant drum beat of hatred of the obesity that is caused mostly by the cheap foods available here in the US. Cheap and easy food primed with the fat,salt and sugar we naturally crave. I have a dark fantasy of people being dragged off to "health camps" to get over their obesity and they are never heard of again.
Obesity and smoking are now mostly found in the "working classes"and I see this highlighted in the corporate media and people fall for this. Just go listen in offices all over and you will hear it from those who don't fall into either hated class-fat smokers."
Okay my paranoia "recorded and duly noted". And also "duly noted" my growing maturity and forgiveness that is a spiritual gift I think from years of praying and meditating and wondering about myself and those I have known.
I remember one woman I knew she was living with someone I knew from work and liked. They were a bougie couple, raised in the middel-classd traditions of marrying up and acquiring property and being ever vigilant regarding mores and styles, judgemental always on the lookout for someone above or below their own station.
Well I have been so long away from the keyboard I forgot the point of that paragraph.
I just got whammied in my dear little modest self: I just received word that someone,we will call her D, who was once a lover and whom I left for R.,my black lover with whom I lived for 6+ years,a truck driving, drug using, alcoholic who was domineering and manipulative and a sex addict but at least he was a man. Well that needs further development later on but D. I have just learned that she, D., inherited $400,000 and her mother's house. I was stopped quiet, overwhelmed by envy wishing that I could have just a little of that inheritance, a little of the ease.
I hear that she is gambling which is very frightening given her life long struggle with drugs and alcohol and sex addictions. Oh jeez she can really get hurt gambling. My daughter said Mama, the gambling thing is worse than the crack epidemic, which I guessed when I heard about penny slot machines.
So any way back to my envy-reduced me to tears. Not a pretty picture but so accurate. Envy and jealousy plain and true.
Going out in a bit with J. to the Albany booksale and then to lunch. I am so far from an inheritance that J is treating me to lunch. J. didn't get the humor in our cooking our Thanksgiving turkey today becuase we are broke still didn't get the humor in our decision to cook ham for Thanksgiving so that we can have all the favorite traditional dishes-greens,sweet potatoes,rolls,cranberries, scalloped potatoes in honor of the ham,desserts-cherry pie, chocolate pie, pumpkin pie and pickled things. At any rate Judy offered her turkey but I said that we don't want two turkeys in one week, that I am just grateful for the frozen turkey that has been there for about three weeks.
Today the anniversary of the Kennedy assassination-no one has mentioned it on the TV. I think that is weird-part of changing out memories I guess. I know that most of those who were there are dead now and I guess those who know what really happened are relieved that even those such as myself,age 16 at the time, are moving on and soon those on stage will have no direct memories of that brutal day.
I no longer believe in the lone gunman-not because I have a belief in the grassy knoll shooters,I don't know about that but it is the fact that Jack Ruby was related to the man he shot who was charged with being the assassin-Oswald and Oswald multilple trips to Russia and Cuba is weird for that Cold War period when we were all afraid of Communists as well we should have been with Stalin who slaughtered thousands even millions.
HMMM-while I was writing that I had a thought of forgiveness for those who play in those brutal, hideous games of power and control. I have been so alienated from my country after finding out that the government and the military and the universities do not function on the moral compass that I use and have always used even when I failed to measure up to those points-the ten commandments and the love of Jesus.
Some say that the governments are working to reduce the population by viruses. I am concerned about the constant drum beat of hatred of the obesity that is caused mostly by the cheap foods available here in the US. Cheap and easy food primed with the fat,salt and sugar we naturally crave. I have a dark fantasy of people being dragged off to "health camps" to get over their obesity and they are never heard of again.
Obesity and smoking are now mostly found in the "working classes"and I see this highlighted in the corporate media and people fall for this. Just go listen in offices all over and you will hear it from those who don't fall into either hated class-fat smokers."
Okay my paranoia "recorded and duly noted". And also "duly noted" my growing maturity and forgiveness that is a spiritual gift I think from years of praying and meditating and wondering about myself and those I have known.
I remember one woman I knew she was living with someone I knew from work and liked. They were a bougie couple, raised in the middel-classd traditions of marrying up and acquiring property and being ever vigilant regarding mores and styles, judgemental always on the lookout for someone above or below their own station.
Well I have been so long away from the keyboard I forgot the point of that paragraph.
I just got whammied in my dear little modest self: I just received word that someone,we will call her D, who was once a lover and whom I left for R.,my black lover with whom I lived for 6+ years,a truck driving, drug using, alcoholic who was domineering and manipulative and a sex addict but at least he was a man. Well that needs further development later on but D. I have just learned that she, D., inherited $400,000 and her mother's house. I was stopped quiet, overwhelmed by envy wishing that I could have just a little of that inheritance, a little of the ease.
I hear that she is gambling which is very frightening given her life long struggle with drugs and alcohol and sex addictions. Oh jeez she can really get hurt gambling. My daughter said Mama, the gambling thing is worse than the crack epidemic, which I guessed when I heard about penny slot machines.
So any way back to my envy-reduced me to tears. Not a pretty picture but so accurate. Envy and jealousy plain and true.
Going out in a bit with J. to the Albany booksale and then to lunch. I am so far from an inheritance that J is treating me to lunch. J. didn't get the humor in our cooking our Thanksgiving turkey today becuase we are broke still didn't get the humor in our decision to cook ham for Thanksgiving so that we can have all the favorite traditional dishes-greens,sweet potatoes,rolls,cranberries, scalloped potatoes in honor of the ham,desserts-cherry pie, chocolate pie, pumpkin pie and pickled things. At any rate Judy offered her turkey but I said that we don't want two turkeys in one week, that I am just grateful for the frozen turkey that has been there for about three weeks.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Saturday 11/21/09
UMHH! Reading at FDL "Pull Up A Chair" without my beloved Christ Hardin Smith who has had to retire due to Lupus(?)and a new child, still I love the talk of food and cooking and traditions,etc. ths time about everyone going to grandma's house and "feeling" that I didn't have a grandma. I had Aunt Hazel,Aunt Cecil and Aunt Ukidene and they all lived in Oklahoma and there was always a coldness there that I now know was because my mother conceived a child and gave birth in 1943 and the child was given up for adoption and this was all kept from my father who would have understood ironically.Thsi all came out in about 1993 when the child now a man finally was able to track Mama down. I believe that he thought he would embarrass her but we are not that kind of family.
At any rate the talk of families getting together hurt today. Amy is going to Arthur's family, Barbara is gone to New Mexico and Judy is going to her family in Santa Cruz and so we will have a small family dinner with way too much food which we will eat all week until we grow weary of warming up gravy and green beans and at last the carcass is boiled into broth for something later.
I have family in Pennsylvania,a son and his wife and their two wonderful boys. I hardly know them and have never had Thanksgiving or Christmas with them. I left my son and daughter to be raised by their father's family and I went on off into the wilderness. The British call women like that bolters and say that nothing can be done with them-the Princess Diana's mother was considered a bolter. She turned to religion in her maturity-I am more fortunate in that I have had grandchildren to care for and a daughter to worry about and a sister to care for and a living to make.
I am sad right now wishing that I could be preparing for a crowd but I will insist that we put up the big table in the living room and get out all the fancy dishes and set a proper table and light candles and give thanks for what we have and all that we have received. We will put on pretty clothes for the dinner and share washing the dishes later and eat too much dessert.
I have a new cranberry recipe although my favorite remains the cranberry chutney recipe from back in 2005-Judy and I ended up Christmas dinner just sitting there eating the chutney. I love cranberries and they are verboten now in these days of cumadin but I will eat them Thanksgiving-not as much as I want but just enough to be Thanksgiving.
I have been thinking of my parents and how hard their lives were and the sacrifice the family made to get out of Moscow,KS. WHEW!! we were almost destroyed by that but here we are. My parents were very successful in Denver where their work ethic and humility was acknowledged and no one knew about Dorothy Mae's unwed motherhood and so could not scorn my troubled father behind his back.My father was so supportive of women,loved them, always referred to his mother who had only one leg due to the rickets from her childhood supposedly brought on by the starvation her family endured when her father left the family to fend for themselves while he went to Scotland to receive the 32nd Degree of Masons. Her family name was Suggs. My father had a lifelong fear of mystics because of this story and was always nervous when the mystical streak showed up in me along with the fragile emotional make-up.
At any rate the talk of families getting together hurt today. Amy is going to Arthur's family, Barbara is gone to New Mexico and Judy is going to her family in Santa Cruz and so we will have a small family dinner with way too much food which we will eat all week until we grow weary of warming up gravy and green beans and at last the carcass is boiled into broth for something later.
I have family in Pennsylvania,a son and his wife and their two wonderful boys. I hardly know them and have never had Thanksgiving or Christmas with them. I left my son and daughter to be raised by their father's family and I went on off into the wilderness. The British call women like that bolters and say that nothing can be done with them-the Princess Diana's mother was considered a bolter. She turned to religion in her maturity-I am more fortunate in that I have had grandchildren to care for and a daughter to worry about and a sister to care for and a living to make.
I am sad right now wishing that I could be preparing for a crowd but I will insist that we put up the big table in the living room and get out all the fancy dishes and set a proper table and light candles and give thanks for what we have and all that we have received. We will put on pretty clothes for the dinner and share washing the dishes later and eat too much dessert.
I have a new cranberry recipe although my favorite remains the cranberry chutney recipe from back in 2005-Judy and I ended up Christmas dinner just sitting there eating the chutney. I love cranberries and they are verboten now in these days of cumadin but I will eat them Thanksgiving-not as much as I want but just enough to be Thanksgiving.
I have been thinking of my parents and how hard their lives were and the sacrifice the family made to get out of Moscow,KS. WHEW!! we were almost destroyed by that but here we are. My parents were very successful in Denver where their work ethic and humility was acknowledged and no one knew about Dorothy Mae's unwed motherhood and so could not scorn my troubled father behind his back.My father was so supportive of women,loved them, always referred to his mother who had only one leg due to the rickets from her childhood supposedly brought on by the starvation her family endured when her father left the family to fend for themselves while he went to Scotland to receive the 32nd Degree of Masons. Her family name was Suggs. My father had a lifelong fear of mystics because of this story and was always nervous when the mystical streak showed up in me along with the fragile emotional make-up.
Friday, November 20, 2009
11/20/09
To see Tanouye today and this is the end of my time getting my hands and fingers repaired. Two surgeries for carpal tunnel and two for trigger release on the third and fourth fingers right hand. and a habit of vicodin for pain because I literally cannot use pain relievers-some cause trouble with cumadin and Tylenol cause bladder problems. This is also the end of the wonderful and unexpected bi-weekly checks received for 80% of my earnings-tax free and not counted against my pension/SSA income. I loved having enough $$ for everyone but explained from the beginning that they would end- I received three and used the money wisely with the exception of J.-I wanted to send her $$$ but the awful words from her dried up that generosity-she gave $300 once when I was so busted and I have never given it back. She said it was a gift but when she was recently so busted I wanted to return the money and then the storm of words condemning me and everyone in my life and all my friendships and I just quit.
QOP writes of wonderful undertakings in her community in Maine even though they voted down the opportunity to build affordable housing for the agricultural workers-racism at work here. the community afraid that all of Mexico will try to come live there. At any rate the artists and artisans and others are coming together to set up their own income producing cooperatives. This is thrilling to me-the expression of Jupiter/Chiron/Neptune working together to show a new way into the Aquarian age: how to make a living while everything is eventually done by computers and computerized machines.
I found this so exciting and wondered if we can''t get something going with the garden people. I know a woman on Oregon St who makes a raw sourkraut that she sells at Farmer's Market and at Berkeley Bowl. I don't know her details but she has been doing it for years now so something is working. I will say that the sour kraut is quite costly and I don't get it for that reason still I know that many people don't have the money restrictions that I have and I did but it a couple of times and the kraut is delicious.
QOP now QOW is able to make it because she lives in a mortgage free house and does most of her work herself and gets by on any art work she can sell. However with all the struggle her life is so wonderful that I dream of moving to Maine-impossible-this California woman has family obligations. I am NOT a single woman.
I must go to see the MD now. More later I hope-I can't always write when everyone is up-psychicly no room to let my imagination roam over my day and world.
QOP writes of wonderful undertakings in her community in Maine even though they voted down the opportunity to build affordable housing for the agricultural workers-racism at work here. the community afraid that all of Mexico will try to come live there. At any rate the artists and artisans and others are coming together to set up their own income producing cooperatives. This is thrilling to me-the expression of Jupiter/Chiron/Neptune working together to show a new way into the Aquarian age: how to make a living while everything is eventually done by computers and computerized machines.
I found this so exciting and wondered if we can''t get something going with the garden people. I know a woman on Oregon St who makes a raw sourkraut that she sells at Farmer's Market and at Berkeley Bowl. I don't know her details but she has been doing it for years now so something is working. I will say that the sour kraut is quite costly and I don't get it for that reason still I know that many people don't have the money restrictions that I have and I did but it a couple of times and the kraut is delicious.
QOP now QOW is able to make it because she lives in a mortgage free house and does most of her work herself and gets by on any art work she can sell. However with all the struggle her life is so wonderful that I dream of moving to Maine-impossible-this California woman has family obligations. I am NOT a single woman.
I must go to see the MD now. More later I hope-I can't always write when everyone is up-psychicly no room to let my imagination roam over my day and world.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Tuesday 11/17/09
S back to school and work today. I am hoping that eventually he can work at home with his writing and editing and the occasional student to tutor. I love when he is home as he was most of last week.
Quiet from J which is such a relief. I was shaking by the time I went to bed on Sunday but by then I had come to think of her as possessed and I did prayer work and visualizations and that seemed to help. I know that I was helped by the experience of turning everything over to a greater power and surrounding myself in clouds of gold and rose light. I slept peacefully.
I have well I got interrupted-oh! I remember-I can't figure out how to edit my posts here. I think that there must be a time limit on the posts at any rate it is embarrassing to find the errors and be unable to correct them. Of course that is as if there were hundreds of people waiting to read my daily musings.
Green Giant ad on TV makes it appear that the harvesting is simple and easy. Just happy days on the farm getting green beans to us so that we will be healthy and beautiful.
Everyone is pissed with Agassi over his new biography-seems that folks can't stand to hear about what it takes to be a champion nor do they want to know about the lop-sided development. I haven't read the book but I am startled by the critical reviews which seem to be saying well you got the golden cup so stop whining.
On TV also the never ending warning about obesity although one never hears any discussion of the factors that contribute to obesity. When I was working and eating a moderately healthy way I was hungry all the time until I weighed over 200 lbs and developed diabetes and heart complications. Home now for five months I am losing weight and the constant haunting hunger has moved away and on the days when I go back to the eating I can feel the weirdness and I can stop. I avoid factory made food-I cook our food and I choose good food to eat and to cook. I even have treats but rarely because I am not so ravenous driven "by constant cravings". At the end of my career I was driven reguarly to get candy and I could never get enough even when I knew that the high blood sugar was literally killing me.
I tried to go back to OA just as I tried to return to Christianity but I could not. I have discovered now that the "addiction" had to do with exhaustion and sadness. AND with the rotten food available to tired epople far from home with no time to cook and take a nap. I know that people in the world work harder but I am talking about a US citizen who is expected to be slim and pleasant and productive. I couldn't manage that. I could produce but it wasn't a pretty sight-my clients loved me though.
J calling me trailer trash and also cursing other people in my daily life. I was so hurt but then I thought "well why not take the trailer trash mother's side?"
I know the image J verbalized and why not "own" what of me is in that image. That trashy,vulgar woman is the one that got me where I am and this is okay with me. When I started out I absolutely did not know how to survive. Wayne took care of me and after that any man who came close had to take care of me.
I found it hard to learn how to take care of myself and Amy. I wasn't fair,I was duplicitous and a thief at times. I left a wide swathe as they say-those who loved me were squeezed and tormented. I learned to change but it took addiction and alcoholism and finally compulsive eating but I did/have learned to change and to let go.
This morning working in the kitchen to find a better place for the radio and preparing a snack I realized that I love the kitchen and I love cooking and I love the very modest improvements-two skillets and pans purchased at garage sales and Amazon.
So I say let me be trailer trash.let me be the scandal of all time-those facts are part of me AND they are not all there is in me nor is it all the is readily viewable but I learned to love poor people when I worked for 30 years serving "us". I learned that part of what has made life such a struggle for me is the poverty I entered in order to get away from Wayne,Lisa and Shawn. I did not know how to live on my own and I have never been popular with my peers so I had to beg and manipulate-I couldn't figure out what to do. I had no work habits,no work experience. I was lonely and afraid and stupid and I ran from that leaving the kids where I thought that they would be safe. I was right in that Shawn is successful although tormented. Lisa died of a broken heart I think. Wayne shut down. I survived although with serious health issues.
so I believe that is the trailer trash she referred to over and over.
Quiet from J which is such a relief. I was shaking by the time I went to bed on Sunday but by then I had come to think of her as possessed and I did prayer work and visualizations and that seemed to help. I know that I was helped by the experience of turning everything over to a greater power and surrounding myself in clouds of gold and rose light. I slept peacefully.
I have well I got interrupted-oh! I remember-I can't figure out how to edit my posts here. I think that there must be a time limit on the posts at any rate it is embarrassing to find the errors and be unable to correct them. Of course that is as if there were hundreds of people waiting to read my daily musings.
Green Giant ad on TV makes it appear that the harvesting is simple and easy. Just happy days on the farm getting green beans to us so that we will be healthy and beautiful.
Everyone is pissed with Agassi over his new biography-seems that folks can't stand to hear about what it takes to be a champion nor do they want to know about the lop-sided development. I haven't read the book but I am startled by the critical reviews which seem to be saying well you got the golden cup so stop whining.
On TV also the never ending warning about obesity although one never hears any discussion of the factors that contribute to obesity. When I was working and eating a moderately healthy way I was hungry all the time until I weighed over 200 lbs and developed diabetes and heart complications. Home now for five months I am losing weight and the constant haunting hunger has moved away and on the days when I go back to the eating I can feel the weirdness and I can stop. I avoid factory made food-I cook our food and I choose good food to eat and to cook. I even have treats but rarely because I am not so ravenous driven "by constant cravings". At the end of my career I was driven reguarly to get candy and I could never get enough even when I knew that the high blood sugar was literally killing me.
I tried to go back to OA just as I tried to return to Christianity but I could not. I have discovered now that the "addiction" had to do with exhaustion and sadness. AND with the rotten food available to tired epople far from home with no time to cook and take a nap. I know that people in the world work harder but I am talking about a US citizen who is expected to be slim and pleasant and productive. I couldn't manage that. I could produce but it wasn't a pretty sight-my clients loved me though.
J calling me trailer trash and also cursing other people in my daily life. I was so hurt but then I thought "well why not take the trailer trash mother's side?"
I know the image J verbalized and why not "own" what of me is in that image. That trashy,vulgar woman is the one that got me where I am and this is okay with me. When I started out I absolutely did not know how to survive. Wayne took care of me and after that any man who came close had to take care of me.
I found it hard to learn how to take care of myself and Amy. I wasn't fair,I was duplicitous and a thief at times. I left a wide swathe as they say-those who loved me were squeezed and tormented. I learned to change but it took addiction and alcoholism and finally compulsive eating but I did/have learned to change and to let go.
This morning working in the kitchen to find a better place for the radio and preparing a snack I realized that I love the kitchen and I love cooking and I love the very modest improvements-two skillets and pans purchased at garage sales and Amazon.
So I say let me be trailer trash.let me be the scandal of all time-those facts are part of me AND they are not all there is in me nor is it all the is readily viewable but I learned to love poor people when I worked for 30 years serving "us". I learned that part of what has made life such a struggle for me is the poverty I entered in order to get away from Wayne,Lisa and Shawn. I did not know how to live on my own and I have never been popular with my peers so I had to beg and manipulate-I couldn't figure out what to do. I had no work habits,no work experience. I was lonely and afraid and stupid and I ran from that leaving the kids where I thought that they would be safe. I was right in that Shawn is successful although tormented. Lisa died of a broken heart I think. Wayne shut down. I survived although with serious health issues.
so I believe that is the trailer trash she referred to over and over.
Monday, November 16, 2009
Monday 11/16/09 Steve's B/D
WOW New moon today at 11:13 AM here. Mars at 13 Leo Square Venus 13 Scorpio-this involves J and I with all our Leo and myself with the Scorpio and Taurus. How intense this has been with J even crazy. Last night as I was falling asleep I realized that no matter what she sayd I believe that she is possissed by a demon out to destroy me through her. I believe that she must be drinking because I can't imagine that the real J with the real ,full personality would fall into "hurling invective" like this monster has. I finally surrounded myself in gold light and prayed and also strengthened myself with pink light and fell asleep to not such happy dreams but woke up to peace on the email board and a just saner feeling.
So grateful for the years of study and love and searching for spiritual understanding. I was finally able to use the skills I learned and deal with what was actually a crisis with honor and depth and seriousness. I will no longer accept her invitation to hell-will delete any further emails sent from that monster but will not condemn J to hell.
The Mars Venus transit kicking my butt. Sorry that I didn't look up the planets earlier. In political astrology the big thing is the ?Saturn in Libra square Pluto in Capricorn with everyone wondering what it will bring but no one knows.
Buffy's dementia is really a challenge for me right now. I feel like screaming everytime she says "beautiful day!!" or if it is foggy "it sure is overcast today!!". I keep acting as if nothing has changed and of course "things" have changed. I just try to sit her in front of the TV and keep her happy that way. Well she is back and so I will close for now and go do dishes and distract myself with activity. I really am having a hard time copping right now.
So grateful for the years of study and love and searching for spiritual understanding. I was finally able to use the skills I learned and deal with what was actually a crisis with honor and depth and seriousness. I will no longer accept her invitation to hell-will delete any further emails sent from that monster but will not condemn J to hell.
The Mars Venus transit kicking my butt. Sorry that I didn't look up the planets earlier. In political astrology the big thing is the ?Saturn in Libra square Pluto in Capricorn with everyone wondering what it will bring but no one knows.
Buffy's dementia is really a challenge for me right now. I feel like screaming everytime she says "beautiful day!!" or if it is foggy "it sure is overcast today!!". I keep acting as if nothing has changed and of course "things" have changed. I just try to sit her in front of the TV and keep her happy that way. Well she is back and so I will close for now and go do dishes and distract myself with activity. I really am having a hard time copping right now.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Sunday 11/15/2009
Well!! Hello Saturn square Pluto. J has gone completely off her rocker. She has been hating on me for weeks now after months of renewed friendship. she is bringing up stuff from our 20's!! and hurling them at me as if that were just weeks ago rather than 30+ going on 40 years ago. I remember when she shifted and started on the trailer trash,bad mother stuff and when I objected she went totally off her rocker. Either some medication is reacting badly with her system or she has had a psychotic break.
We went to the Miwok village yesterday at Pt Reyes. I wanted to stay and sleep in one of the teepees and do a sweat in one of the round houses. The garden was wonderful even in the late part of the year. the wood strawberries had a few leaves. I thought how thrilling those little sweet berries must have been once they were in season and grown.
Our senior cat Bebe has turned into a sweet loving cat with the new babies and with us. We are amazed since she was always so harsh and unfriendly to almost everyone and did not tolerate other cats. Now she wants to be a baby herself even when takes care of the little ones-she licks them and nips them and sleeps with them.
Yesterday was so beautiful-relaxing and inspiring. I really don't rememberwhen Steve and I were out last. We even had lunch at Pt Reyes Station. We had a soup that I am going to attempt to duplicate-a non-dairy cauliflower soup. Thge soup was yellow-orange and I thought that the chef had used pumpkin or winter squash but the waitress said no the color is from tumeric. I was right on my other guesses-onion,garlic,celery and cauliflower all sauted with olive oil. Yumhhh we all loved it. We were shocked by the expence of taking three people out for lunch but that is the way things are now and it was so worth it to us. We atill feel the warmth of the wonderful field trip this morning. That actually lifted our spirits and that is no cliche-we both feel the difference.
Looked up J's planets on a whim well no whim since I am an astrologer and she is attacking me these days. Venus in Cancer square Neptune in Libra natally. Obviously getting hit hard by Saurn in Libra and Pluto in Capricorn-perhaps one of the drugs she is using for her health issues is causing the trouble but I do know that she is in for some awful trouble. Hating on me will only worsen her condition. OOOH!! Pluto sq Chiron and Saturn conjunct Chiron-deep sorrow and regret there perhaps too much to face alone. Whatever is going on I won't be able to help although I did start praying for her yesterday and will continue to do so when she comes to mind.
Today is Steve's party: vegie chili and yellow cake with fudge frosting. A few of our friends are coming over and the menu is easy on me and very popular.
Dreamed of Wayne Parker last night who left without saying goodbye. I was sad and troubled in my dream. Still working out my years working in CCC Social Services and those years of service. Of course I would need to such a huge hunk of my life. I am so grateful for that and for the friends from that era.
I am looking forward to going to the store this morning and getting all the items needed for the party and then the cooking and baking.
We went to the Miwok village yesterday at Pt Reyes. I wanted to stay and sleep in one of the teepees and do a sweat in one of the round houses. The garden was wonderful even in the late part of the year. the wood strawberries had a few leaves. I thought how thrilling those little sweet berries must have been once they were in season and grown.
Our senior cat Bebe has turned into a sweet loving cat with the new babies and with us. We are amazed since she was always so harsh and unfriendly to almost everyone and did not tolerate other cats. Now she wants to be a baby herself even when takes care of the little ones-she licks them and nips them and sleeps with them.
Yesterday was so beautiful-relaxing and inspiring. I really don't rememberwhen Steve and I were out last. We even had lunch at Pt Reyes Station. We had a soup that I am going to attempt to duplicate-a non-dairy cauliflower soup. Thge soup was yellow-orange and I thought that the chef had used pumpkin or winter squash but the waitress said no the color is from tumeric. I was right on my other guesses-onion,garlic,celery and cauliflower all sauted with olive oil. Yumhhh we all loved it. We were shocked by the expence of taking three people out for lunch but that is the way things are now and it was so worth it to us. We atill feel the warmth of the wonderful field trip this morning. That actually lifted our spirits and that is no cliche-we both feel the difference.
Looked up J's planets on a whim well no whim since I am an astrologer and she is attacking me these days. Venus in Cancer square Neptune in Libra natally. Obviously getting hit hard by Saurn in Libra and Pluto in Capricorn-perhaps one of the drugs she is using for her health issues is causing the trouble but I do know that she is in for some awful trouble. Hating on me will only worsen her condition. OOOH!! Pluto sq Chiron and Saturn conjunct Chiron-deep sorrow and regret there perhaps too much to face alone. Whatever is going on I won't be able to help although I did start praying for her yesterday and will continue to do so when she comes to mind.
Today is Steve's party: vegie chili and yellow cake with fudge frosting. A few of our friends are coming over and the menu is easy on me and very popular.
Dreamed of Wayne Parker last night who left without saying goodbye. I was sad and troubled in my dream. Still working out my years working in CCC Social Services and those years of service. Of course I would need to such a huge hunk of my life. I am so grateful for that and for the friends from that era.
I am looking forward to going to the store this morning and getting all the items needed for the party and then the cooking and baking.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Friday 11/13/09
Off to court with Barbara for her son Aaron: six years in jail and no trial but now her we go. Will need to do his chart but don't want to do it if what I fear is there. I wish that he could just walk away but even the plea deal they offered of two felonies and time served was taken back so they want to prosecute this man for what his original attorney said was in the end a
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Wednesday 11/11/2009
So Happy Birthday Shawn. Today is Veteran's Day. I was thinking that I am settleing into age: I KNOW that we all die and I didn't know that earlier.
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
I know that making my own soap
Woke up missing Joyce but knowing that I can not return to that old rut of trusting her and confiding in her and accepting her occasional meanness. I think that she returned to drinking and that is when her personality twists into sociopathic cruelty and her insults are so virulent that I just have to walk away.This last time I saw the faulty logic,formed in the 70's, that I just have all my family around to keep me from being alone I realized that that attack is just like the one from the 90's when she attacked me for going back to work for welfare because such jobs are a trap but now whe wishes that she had my pension another trap but so welcome in our 60's when others see us as "dead wood" that needs pruning.So.... yes I do have family around and they do keep me from being alone AND I have grandchildren who were barely raised due to their mothers drug use and ghetto living which I was absolutely powerless to affect except for having the kids at my house, providing food and clothing and providing all the love I had at my disposal-believe me I was starting to get very tired there in my 50's. Now my grandson is on drugs to control his acting out, his outrage over his family situation and my granddaughter spends her time stoned on marijuana so afraid to step out into the world that she is simply not doing it. She has a best friend who is much more positive and I am hoping that my granddaughter can benefit from this friendship as I did with my friends from the Laney days. I suggested yesterday that Courtney seek out some counseling and will return to that: there is a program in Berkeley to help kids get out into the world and I will direct her back there today.
So now the people caught in Iran on the border are being charged with espionage which of course is what they were doing. I mean why would well-to-do middle class people decide to visit the Iran-Iraq border? Harsh, inhospitable terrain? Even if they are rock climbers mountan climbers why go to that sensitive war torn ground? Weird so I have always assumed that they were spys. I am praying that some arragement can be achieved to save Iran face and get the US citizens home.
A big rig fell off the Bay Bridge early in the morning and traffic is backed up miserabley today. That bridge has had so much trouble-there should be a public safety program of TV,radio,etc explaining the changes and warning especially the veteran driver's who have the old bridge path in their muscles and this change is major and dangerous. I have only driven it once and I was surprised at HOW much the drive is changed. I am really surprised that the safety of the drive wasn't given greater consideration and if absolutely necessary to go that way then public notice and instruction would have been helpful for the community/public.
Cleaning up after the weekend and two weeks down due to flu/etc. getting wash and floors and catboxes (what?? Should I write Boxi to indicate duplicates or catboxs even though I say catbox-es?).
I wish that I could make my own castile soap but the necessity of lye frightens me. I am convinced that I need to eliminate all chemical cleaners (yes! i know that making my own castile soap is a chemical process but it is one done with ingrediants ritght from the earth-I recognize their origins-we have similar origins-i understand. the chemicals produced in labratories are not like me and I reject them physically-with allergies and other sicknesses.
Mars transiting Leo and Venus in Scorpio are lighting up my personal life and making me vulnerable to pain and judgement although I believe i will be recognized as a grandmother trying to take care of children and it is necessary for me to set limits which I don't like doing but must this time acknowledge my vulnerability to judgements of others.
So now the people caught in Iran on the border are being charged with espionage which of course is what they were doing. I mean why would well-to-do middle class people decide to visit the Iran-Iraq border? Harsh, inhospitable terrain? Even if they are rock climbers mountan climbers why go to that sensitive war torn ground? Weird so I have always assumed that they were spys. I am praying that some arragement can be achieved to save Iran face and get the US citizens home.
A big rig fell off the Bay Bridge early in the morning and traffic is backed up miserabley today. That bridge has had so much trouble-there should be a public safety program of TV,radio,etc explaining the changes and warning especially the veteran driver's who have the old bridge path in their muscles and this change is major and dangerous. I have only driven it once and I was surprised at HOW much the drive is changed. I am really surprised that the safety of the drive wasn't given greater consideration and if absolutely necessary to go that way then public notice and instruction would have been helpful for the community/public.
Cleaning up after the weekend and two weeks down due to flu/etc. getting wash and floors and catboxes (what?? Should I write Boxi to indicate duplicates or catboxs even though I say catbox-es?).
I wish that I could make my own castile soap but the necessity of lye frightens me. I am convinced that I need to eliminate all chemical cleaners (yes! i know that making my own castile soap is a chemical process but it is one done with ingrediants ritght from the earth-I recognize their origins-we have similar origins-i understand. the chemicals produced in labratories are not like me and I reject them physically-with allergies and other sicknesses.
Mars transiting Leo and Venus in Scorpio are lighting up my personal life and making me vulnerable to pain and judgement although I believe i will be recognized as a grandmother trying to take care of children and it is necessary for me to set limits which I don't like doing but must this time acknowledge my vulnerability to judgements of others.
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Thursday 11/5/2009
So yesterday I went to Kaiser with my sister for her to see a neurologist re: possible brain tumor,etc. The good doctor said no doubt early Alzheimer's. Even though I suspected this I have been weepy since then-this is an epidemic nearly everyone I know has some connection either family or friends brought down. My sister is young, 61, or so it would seem to me, to be coming down with the disease.
NO DESIRE TO WRITE NOW: GOING TO THE STORE.
NO DESIRE TO WRITE NOW: GOING TO THE STORE.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Wednesday 11/4/2009
WOW 10 days later and I am beginning to return to normal. I have been dreaming of the days when good health and strong energy are taken for granted. I tried to write but just could not; just rambling about the guilt accumulated in youth-that has to go.
one of the witch''s site that I love is working their way through "The Artist's Way" and even though I came in late I have ordered the book.
Several times in this time of sickness I have come across the idea that we must come to know ourselves as we really are and that we demand too much from our souls in terms of perfection. I take this that god is talking to me as I have prayed for guidance wondering where to turn. "Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism"is important and reading some of the Catholic monks can help.
My daughter talked yesterday of the anger she feels because she was robbed of her last two highschool years-this is the first honesty I have heard from her in years. I am sure this is because she is not using at all right now under the influence of her dear partner/friend, Arthur. They have been friends for years from high school.
I think her father and John will look down on her because of the race thing but i don't. I have been so healed in that area because my beloved Happa grandson eats and thinks black even though he looks like a beautiful Polynesian. I love the honesty with which Arthur lives and has brought Amy into.
So two governor's races went to the Republicns but two important congressional races went to the Dems. The one in New York was so important because Palin and Limbaugh and thier kind put a lot of money into that race.
The three kitties are in a pile cleaning each other and preparing for nap. They are expensive,etc. but when I see them in a pile I am so galad that they are here and not in a pile in some dirty,cold, scary garage. We can begin to use Advantage on them-will call the vet to get advice.
one of the witch''s site that I love is working their way through "The Artist's Way" and even though I came in late I have ordered the book.
Several times in this time of sickness I have come across the idea that we must come to know ourselves as we really are and that we demand too much from our souls in terms of perfection. I take this that god is talking to me as I have prayed for guidance wondering where to turn. "Cutting Through Spiritual Materialism"is important and reading some of the Catholic monks can help.
My daughter talked yesterday of the anger she feels because she was robbed of her last two highschool years-this is the first honesty I have heard from her in years. I am sure this is because she is not using at all right now under the influence of her dear partner/friend, Arthur. They have been friends for years from high school.
I think her father and John will look down on her because of the race thing but i don't. I have been so healed in that area because my beloved Happa grandson eats and thinks black even though he looks like a beautiful Polynesian. I love the honesty with which Arthur lives and has brought Amy into.
So two governor's races went to the Republicns but two important congressional races went to the Dems. The one in New York was so important because Palin and Limbaugh and thier kind put a lot of money into that race.
The three kitties are in a pile cleaning each other and preparing for nap. They are expensive,etc. but when I see them in a pile I am so galad that they are here and not in a pile in some dirty,cold, scary garage. We can begin to use Advantage on them-will call the vet to get advice.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
10/31/2009
Sitting in the backwards consciousness brought on by this wicked flu but nevertheless: left Wayne, Lisa and Shawn 12/26/1967 around 8 in the evening. Looking at the chart I would advise the young person to not run to stay and figure out what is wrong and if things could be made better but that would have required a maturity that I simply did not have and for which I had to go out hunting which is what Idid-stealing education and philosophy and insight where ever I found it. I stole livelihood from Gerald and then kicked him out,supported myself as a welfare mother and impoverished student and got a job and never quit blaming myself for my sins against the Mother. I never worried too much about God the Father who was never very good to me but God the Mother could have/would helped
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Thursday 10/29/2009
Welcome Saturn to Libra: let us pray that some real lawmaking gets doen in the nest 2+ years. Saturn in Libra exalted-the perfect match of thinking and justice.
My mother and all of my friends born in 1953 have Saturn in Libra. Love these folk because they are fair if a little stuck-up because they "get it" that they have the best understanding of the situation.
I have had the flu-kick in the ass sick in bed flu. Horrible depression to go along: I always get depressed when I have the flu or cold seems to me that depression is part of the attack from the godless little creatures we call viruses. I remember reading about them in Biology 1 and commenting that I now understood evil-these little fuckers dtotally live on other people's work just floating along in the Universe looking for some healthy energetic creative productive being to land on and suck that Light one down to a quivering doubting little heap.
QOP engaging in political astrology so much now and I miss her. She was the only real connection I have made on the internet except for Jude Cowell. I think I know how she feels-the Dems are such sell outs will not fight for anyone and the one who seemed to be fighting is a bloated millionaire, Grayson, who just can't be serious and talk as if he is a grown-up.
I am lonely for the connection I felt earlier and I suppose now I will need to write here until I am good at saying what is on my mind and somehow draw those I admire and get along with to my site.
I miss Joyce but realize that relationship there is simply impossibe: always holding my breath waiting for her to start on "ol grandma in her rocking chair" and dissing me because Steve is young and all my grandkids are aroound and as she said "that's why you have your NasCar loving redneck sister around." I think more even than the insults it was that dig about my sister who is disabled has been for years and has no one but me that finally absolutely tore it for me. And for that matter for anyone else in my life who might look down on me for what I attempt for family. I would ask anyone "And how many people of the 7+billion on the planet know you? And of them how many love you and will give you shelter?" Yes!! I thought so. So why not start now to mend things with your family if you can and begin now to build something together if for no other reason than that "darkening of the light".
Joyce is a drunk and drunks will sooner or later choose their poison over anything unless they enter wholeheartedly into treatment and go through a spiritual renewal. Sadlky part oif the spiritual renewal may mean facing the fact that most people do not like us,at least that was part of what happened for me. I had to rrealize that there is a coarseness in me ,a harshness that msot find off putting. Wish that was not so but there we are.
My mother and all of my friends born in 1953 have Saturn in Libra. Love these folk because they are fair if a little stuck-up because they "get it" that they have the best understanding of the situation.
I have had the flu-kick in the ass sick in bed flu. Horrible depression to go along: I always get depressed when I have the flu or cold seems to me that depression is part of the attack from the godless little creatures we call viruses. I remember reading about them in Biology 1 and commenting that I now understood evil-these little fuckers dtotally live on other people's work just floating along in the Universe looking for some healthy energetic creative productive being to land on and suck that Light one down to a quivering doubting little heap.
QOP engaging in political astrology so much now and I miss her. She was the only real connection I have made on the internet except for Jude Cowell. I think I know how she feels-the Dems are such sell outs will not fight for anyone and the one who seemed to be fighting is a bloated millionaire, Grayson, who just can't be serious and talk as if he is a grown-up.
I am lonely for the connection I felt earlier and I suppose now I will need to write here until I am good at saying what is on my mind and somehow draw those I admire and get along with to my site.
I miss Joyce but realize that relationship there is simply impossibe: always holding my breath waiting for her to start on "ol grandma in her rocking chair" and dissing me because Steve is young and all my grandkids are aroound and as she said "that's why you have your NasCar loving redneck sister around." I think more even than the insults it was that dig about my sister who is disabled has been for years and has no one but me that finally absolutely tore it for me. And for that matter for anyone else in my life who might look down on me for what I attempt for family. I would ask anyone "And how many people of the 7+billion on the planet know you? And of them how many love you and will give you shelter?" Yes!! I thought so. So why not start now to mend things with your family if you can and begin now to build something together if for no other reason than that "darkening of the light".
Joyce is a drunk and drunks will sooner or later choose their poison over anything unless they enter wholeheartedly into treatment and go through a spiritual renewal. Sadlky part oif the spiritual renewal may mean facing the fact that most people do not like us,at least that was part of what happened for me. I had to rrealize that there is a coarseness in me ,a harshness that msot find off putting. Wish that was not so but there we are.
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
10/20/09-an aside about my relationship to money
(just this week did I finally "get" that "it" HAS NEVER BEEN AN ISSUE OF NOT HAVING MONEY BUT OF BEING UNABLE TO "FEED" THE HUNGER THAT ARISES FROM ENVY AND JEALOUSY. Well thank god this is simply my story what a narcissitic rant there but I am so excited to finally realize that I always have had the money but just couldn't realize it. I believed the stories about how poor I was because of..........
Tuesday 10/20/2009
So what I was trying to say yesterday is that I believe Joyce has started drinking again nad part of her drinking is meaness. This time when whe sarted on me and and the family: I didn't graduate from high school (ignore my A average at Laney and Lone Mountain), my daughter didn't either but yes she did while working as a waitress in order to have some $$$ since my wages as a welfare worker only covered the basics. Then now my grand daughter isn't graduating but yes she will get a piece of paper so that she can go on to school at City College in Berkeley and learn things she never heard of and my grand daughter is refined and gentle and beautiful even is she weighs more than is currently approved.
At any rate Joyce simply kept up the attack,it started by comparing me to her sister Jean and when I objected the war was on. I can't keep up with this and told her not to write and I feel such a loss. We had a wonderful time as long tome friends after her collapse and the County Social Worker enterd in and got her in a good place and Social Security and food stamps and the County payed her rent for three months and got her good medical suppport (she was hospitalized nine days for what is probably pancreatitis,etc). But I did hear the meaness creeping back in-seeing April again who is successful in the way that Joyce wanted but for which she never had the focus-she blames her mother for not supporting her in the middle-class way of her friends.
Joyce married a young, middle-class boy as he went off to Berkeley (UC),she was pregnant. their baby was gorn with severe deformities, the intestines had developed on the outside and the baby lived a few days and then died. Now those babies are routinely saved but not in 1966 or whatever. I still hang the painting,tempura, of Joyce and her child, a true Madonna and child, in my bedroom. I feel blessed by the presence of the painting and Joyce didnot. At any rate back to myself and my unfolding relationship to Joyce. Joyce married "up" even received a wedding present for Lionel Pauling,the vitamin C guy. She has always been refined and even showing some 11th house energy although her chart is not highlighted in that way but she has innate good taste and artisitc energy and people of the middle-class, the bourgeouis have been drawn to her. But like myself she always needed money and would end up with complications around money in these relationships ( I learned finally in the "80's in a relationship with two different "millionaires" that many folk get wealthy due to an inordinate love of money and they only let go of it when they want to-in other words in my estemation the truly wealthy are the stingiest of anyone and that quality of loving money is how they grew wealthy. That was hard for me to "get".
Jeez!! I just want to write about myself when ever I think of Joyce-real shadow stuff here. I am tired now more later.
At any rate Joyce simply kept up the attack,it started by comparing me to her sister Jean and when I objected the war was on. I can't keep up with this and told her not to write and I feel such a loss. We had a wonderful time as long tome friends after her collapse and the County Social Worker enterd in and got her in a good place and Social Security and food stamps and the County payed her rent for three months and got her good medical suppport (she was hospitalized nine days for what is probably pancreatitis,etc). But I did hear the meaness creeping back in-seeing April again who is successful in the way that Joyce wanted but for which she never had the focus-she blames her mother for not supporting her in the middle-class way of her friends.
Joyce married a young, middle-class boy as he went off to Berkeley (UC),she was pregnant. their baby was gorn with severe deformities, the intestines had developed on the outside and the baby lived a few days and then died. Now those babies are routinely saved but not in 1966 or whatever. I still hang the painting,tempura, of Joyce and her child, a true Madonna and child, in my bedroom. I feel blessed by the presence of the painting and Joyce didnot. At any rate back to myself and my unfolding relationship to Joyce. Joyce married "up" even received a wedding present for Lionel Pauling,the vitamin C guy. She has always been refined and even showing some 11th house energy although her chart is not highlighted in that way but she has innate good taste and artisitc energy and people of the middle-class, the bourgeouis have been drawn to her. But like myself she always needed money and would end up with complications around money in these relationships ( I learned finally in the "80's in a relationship with two different "millionaires" that many folk get wealthy due to an inordinate love of money and they only let go of it when they want to-in other words in my estemation the truly wealthy are the stingiest of anyone and that quality of loving money is how they grew wealthy. That was hard for me to "get".
Jeez!! I just want to write about myself when ever I think of Joyce-real shadow stuff here. I am tired now more later.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Monday 10/19/2009
The last days of Libra and I hear rain dripping outside. No storm but water from the heavens and the leaves are wet and brown and yellow and red.
J of her rocker again can only imagine that she grew so horribly lonely that she hit the booze again and here it comes. I imagine her evil cruel bitterness is something like what drove everyone out of Brautigan's life so that he was dead for sometime before anyone knew it. I wonder if her early life with her mother and father were so full of anger and pain that she has never been able to recover.
I also wonder if stories of family and friends eating,talking even with pain and fear,etc set her off.
J of her rocker again can only imagine that she grew so horribly lonely that she hit the booze again and here it comes. I imagine her evil cruel bitterness is something like what drove everyone out of Brautigan's life so that he was dead for sometime before anyone knew it. I wonder if her early life with her mother and father were so full of anger and pain that she has never been able to recover.
I also wonder if stories of family and friends eating,talking even with pain and fear,etc set her off.
Friday, October 16, 2009
10/16/2009 FRIDAY
I do like to read when the typing is all in capitals and that certainly covers up the gaps in my grammar but the capitals in this type is so broad that it appears as though I am reading emergancy instructions. Not pleasant so here I go weaknesses and all.
I have stopped writing here because I realize that others can read this too so if I am to write everyday as I love to I need to discipline myself to objective themes even if perhaps the inspiration may be deeply personal. Sun trined by transitting Saturn as it moves into Libra isof huge import Sun trined by transitting Saturn as it moves into Libra isof huge import for the world. Libra-Libra is ruled by Venus and Saturn is exalted in Libra and Mars is debilitated here. I "know" that I have been dreaming of this-trouble in the office, someone is sick and this impacts us all-"he" is charming and attracting but still the work must get done-"offuce: is the 6th ghouse- the house of the job as versus the careerfor the world. Libra-Libra is ruled by Venus and Saturn is exalted in Libra and Mars is debilitated here. I "know" that I have been dreaming of this-trouble in the office, someone is sick and this impacts us all-"he" is charming and attracting but still the work must get done-"offuce: is the 6th ghouse- the house of the job as versus the career-sick one of the players-look up transits. Well after a small interuption-I looked up my transits wondering why I wasd reaming so strongly about the 6th house,etc-wow.
More later nut Mars conjunct Lunar South Node.
I have stopped writing here because I realize that others can read this too so if I am to write everyday as I love to I need to discipline myself to objective themes even if perhaps the inspiration may be deeply personal. Sun trined by transitting Saturn as it moves into Libra isof huge import Sun trined by transitting Saturn as it moves into Libra isof huge import for the world. Libra-Libra is ruled by Venus and Saturn is exalted in Libra and Mars is debilitated here. I "know" that I have been dreaming of this-trouble in the office, someone is sick and this impacts us all-"he" is charming and attracting but still the work must get done-"offuce: is the 6th ghouse- the house of the job as versus the careerfor the world. Libra-Libra is ruled by Venus and Saturn is exalted in Libra and Mars is debilitated here. I "know" that I have been dreaming of this-trouble in the office, someone is sick and this impacts us all-"he" is charming and attracting but still the work must get done-"offuce: is the 6th ghouse- the house of the job as versus the career-sick one of the players-look up transits. Well after a small interuption-I looked up my transits wondering why I wasd reaming so strongly about the 6th house,etc-wow.
More later nut Mars conjunct Lunar South Node.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
